Did another wellness check (every week)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
Did another wellness check (every week)
As you all know, my AXBF gave up four weeks ago and has been binge drinking in his house with no heat. I drove by his house this morning and noticed his car was gone..This made me nervous, I know he drives drunk to the liquor store (four in his town). I was worried he may have gotten into an accident. When I called the police for the check up, of course they knew right away who I was talking about; he said "his cousin ordered a wellness check Monday and when we went over he yelled at us from the couch and refused to answer the door. We can go again today (Wednesday) but will probably not have any changes. I told him what concerned me was his car is gone,..He said "Oh we impounded his car because the registration was up four months ago, we have it." I have to say that made me feel good, now he can't be driving and possibly hurt someone. There is no way he sobered up enough to go to the DMV and now his phone is shut off too so he can't even call an uber or a cab. About an hour later they called me, they said the door was open, they went in and he was not home...No idea where he could be. I am scared, I hope he is okay but I can't even understand where he would be. I need to talk about this, I don't really have anyone to talk to about it because everyone keeps telling me to just give up on him. I have given up, we haven't talked in four weeks but I do care about him. Thank you all for listening.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
I would imagine the only reason he would leave his house right now is to find more alcohol. Is the liquor store within walking distance? Does he have friends who would come pick him up? I know you are worried, but there isn't a whole lot you can do right now. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Yes, how far is the liquor store from his place? If he's walking it could be a good while?
What's the weather like there?
What's the weather like there?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
You can tell by your post that you care about him, but I wouldn't call the police again. They have your number, if needed.
He is in the exact place that he wants to be...at home in a cold house drinking.
I dealt with a similar situation last year with an AF. It's not fun, but for my own sanity, I had to drop the rope.
Good luck to you.
He is in the exact place that he wants to be...at home in a cold house drinking.
I dealt with a similar situation last year with an AF. It's not fun, but for my own sanity, I had to drop the rope.
Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Lost - to look at it objectively - most likely he was walking to the liquor store when he was out. If he's dressed for it, that weather is not dangerous. I lived in NY for over 40 years in those cold winters. I had warm coats, boots, gloves etc. and walked to and from school up until high school.
It's good he's out and walking, that by itself is healthy.
It's good he has no car. He can't hurt himself or others driving drunk.
If he acts erratically or say, even passes out in a public place he may end up in a hospital. That's also good.
Eventually he'll run out of money and then be in more trouble. Maybe it'll take that level to cause him to seek help.
I don't mean to minimize your worry. He's not safe or healthy, for sure, being drunk all the time whether he's inside or outside. If he's determined to drink himself to death that is very sad but it's his choice to make.
There are long-term sober alcoholics who sunk to terrible levels: sick, injured, mentally unbalanced, living on the streets, rejected by everyone. Read some of the recovery stories on SR. Sometimes, somehow, they do pull themselves up and become sober.
Please take good care of yourself and don't feel guilty. There really isn't anything you can do except pray.
It's good he's out and walking, that by itself is healthy.
It's good he has no car. He can't hurt himself or others driving drunk.
If he acts erratically or say, even passes out in a public place he may end up in a hospital. That's also good.
Eventually he'll run out of money and then be in more trouble. Maybe it'll take that level to cause him to seek help.
I don't mean to minimize your worry. He's not safe or healthy, for sure, being drunk all the time whether he's inside or outside. If he's determined to drink himself to death that is very sad but it's his choice to make.
There are long-term sober alcoholics who sunk to terrible levels: sick, injured, mentally unbalanced, living on the streets, rejected by everyone. Read some of the recovery stories on SR. Sometimes, somehow, they do pull themselves up and become sober.
Please take good care of yourself and don't feel guilty. There really isn't anything you can do except pray.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, I completely agree with 53500. LostinJersey, you can step off this merry go round at any time and be free.
It (he) is not your responsibility and you're only making yourself miserable by trying to be his Higher Power and trying to help control his outcome.
Let go and let God. It's the best thing - it's the only thing that makes sense - for both of you.
It (he) is not your responsibility and you're only making yourself miserable by trying to be his Higher Power and trying to help control his outcome.
Let go and let God. It's the best thing - it's the only thing that makes sense - for both of you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s very obvious that you care deeply for him and when we care about someone worry often comes with it. And just because we are no longer with them physically doesn’t mean that caring and worry just shuts itself off. No, that worry needs some help getting into a healthy perspective and out of the obsession and making ourselves sick with it.
Addicts are extremely resourceful when it comes to feeding their addiction, they always seem to find a way. They find money, transportation, other people who might have liquor, etc. etc. It’s easy to make new friends who can provide him an avenue to liquor and the screaming and acting out part comes when they can no longer provide him with what he wants.
I did notice you mentioned that he has no one and that his family and friends have detached from his alcoholic behaviors. So I am guessing that you believe you have to be his “only” only one that cares, only one that worries, only one who checks up on him, only one who goes looking for him. Sadly when we hold that kind of thinking we might as well walk into a jail cell pull the door closed and toss away the key.
His cousin called for a welfare check so he does have others and you can free yourself from thinking you are his “only”. It’s okay to still love and care about people we can no longer have in our lives.
Addicts are extremely resourceful when it comes to feeding their addiction, they always seem to find a way. They find money, transportation, other people who might have liquor, etc. etc. It’s easy to make new friends who can provide him an avenue to liquor and the screaming and acting out part comes when they can no longer provide him with what he wants.
I did notice you mentioned that he has no one and that his family and friends have detached from his alcoholic behaviors. So I am guessing that you believe you have to be his “only” only one that cares, only one that worries, only one who checks up on him, only one who goes looking for him. Sadly when we hold that kind of thinking we might as well walk into a jail cell pull the door closed and toss away the key.
His cousin called for a welfare check so he does have others and you can free yourself from thinking you are his “only”. It’s okay to still love and care about people we can no longer have in our lives.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
In Alanon I learned I'm powerless over people, places and things. There is nothing you can say or do that will affect his life and if he wants to drink himself to death he'll do it. I'm sorry this is so upsetting -- and it's normal to worry about those we love -- but a better bet would be Alanon. Big hug.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
I am so sorry you are going through this. I could have written your tortured post word for word when I first broke off with my XABF. Right down to the wellness checks, and the driving past his house.
I don't mean this to sound callous, but is there any way you can drive a different route for a while? Is there someone you can call when you feel the urge to check on him?
You are still suffering from withdrawal (from the alcoholic) which is painful as hell. You need support and lots of it. For me, Alanon, visiting this site often, and individual therapy were the keys to my recovery.
Do keep posting! The folks here really know their stuff.
Best to you
SQ
I don't mean this to sound callous, but is there any way you can drive a different route for a while? Is there someone you can call when you feel the urge to check on him?
You are still suffering from withdrawal (from the alcoholic) which is painful as hell. You need support and lots of it. For me, Alanon, visiting this site often, and individual therapy were the keys to my recovery.
Do keep posting! The folks here really know their stuff.
Best to you
SQ
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by atalose
Addicts are extremely resourceful when it comes to feeding their addiction, they always seem to find a way. They find money, transportation, other people who might have liquor, etc. etc. It’s easy to make new friends who can provide him an avenue to liquor and the screaming and acting out part comes when they can no longer provide him with what he wants.
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