The 64 Million Dollar Question
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Lancs, UK
Posts: 13
The 64 Million Dollar Question
Hi there
This is my third go at recovery (two were successful for a number of years) so not entirely a newbie but given how different it is this time I feel like it! So I have what may sound a stupid question, but its a very genuine one.
What (for you) made you drink when you knew how much damage it was doing and it was ruining your life. I ask as for me its either a crisis (I have had a lot of those lately) or perhaps more worryingly, this little voice inside my head that convinces me I am not really an alcoholic, I am over reacting about the past instances and that it will be different this time.
This little voice is new and was not there the first two occasions I attempted recovery, or at least it wasn't as noticeable. It freaks me out as I assure you I am an alcoholic and it will NOT be different this time..........or it might be but it will be worse than the time before.
So I guess I would like to know if other people have experienced this and if so how do you silence it?
TIA
EM xx
This is my third go at recovery (two were successful for a number of years) so not entirely a newbie but given how different it is this time I feel like it! So I have what may sound a stupid question, but its a very genuine one.
What (for you) made you drink when you knew how much damage it was doing and it was ruining your life. I ask as for me its either a crisis (I have had a lot of those lately) or perhaps more worryingly, this little voice inside my head that convinces me I am not really an alcoholic, I am over reacting about the past instances and that it will be different this time.
This little voice is new and was not there the first two occasions I attempted recovery, or at least it wasn't as noticeable. It freaks me out as I assure you I am an alcoholic and it will NOT be different this time..........or it might be but it will be worse than the time before.
So I guess I would like to know if other people have experienced this and if so how do you silence it?
TIA
EM xx
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Hillsboro Oregon
Posts: 154
Ellie May, I have only been sober since the beginning of May. I have been dealing and I am still dealing with that voice trying to convince me that it is ok to go ahead and drink. The best way I have found to quell the urges and the voice is to distract my self with anything I can think of other than what I am doing right then. Laundry, dishes, house work, walking, play an online game, coming here and posting, anything that will get your thoughts off where they are at that moment. But it does come down to what decision we are going to make. Stay strong and feel happy when it does go away (it will) or guilty and regretful when we decide to give in. I caved in once and it took me a week to get over it both physically and emotionally. I hope you find this helpful. Keep fighting the good fight.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
To strengthen my sobriety I practice gratitude every day. I find at least one thing/person/event I am thankful for. Usually more than one. It can be as small as a person smiling at you.
To be grateful is to be positive.
And positive thoughts drive out negative ones.
To be grateful is to be positive.
And positive thoughts drive out negative ones. 
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,937
I guard against becoming complacent. You know, thinking that I've been sober for a long time , and that maybe I can just have a beer or two again with dinner, like a normal adult.
I did that once and blew up 5 1/2 years of sobriety, and it took me a year of daily struggling to finally get sober again.
I'm coming up on 9 years now, and I guard against complacency. I'm too old to go through all of that again, and I might not make it back next time.
I did that once and blew up 5 1/2 years of sobriety, and it took me a year of daily struggling to finally get sober again.
I'm coming up on 9 years now, and I guard against complacency. I'm too old to go through all of that again, and I might not make it back next time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
A good question although not sure the answer other than I'm a true alcoholic. We drink despite the negative consequences. For me, the difference was that I had a worse than before medical event landing me in the intensive unit of the hospital with a brain injury. I had lost my marriage, lost my house, wrecked my car, and had a few different emergency room visits usually resulting in a few stitches. Something just clicked this time and I knew I was running out of luck. I knew in my heart that if I didn't quit drinking I would die in some stupid, avoidable way and that it would mean that my children wouldn't have a mother. I knew in my heart I had to quit drinking. I had finally accepted that I was an alcoholic and that my drinking would truly kill me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Ellie,
I quit trying to answer the “am I or not?” question because I realized I kept right on drinking while I pondered it. The truth was, what I labeled my drinking didn’t matter, my goal/objective when I drank was the important thing. I didn’t want a glass of wine, I wanted all of the wine. Who cares if I can drink like everyone else, I don’t want to. Even now, over a year without, there is no question in my mind that if I did drink my goal would still be the fuzzy escape that a bottle + brings. The days of enjoying a glass or two are so long gone it’s ridiculous.
I try not to trip myself on labels. “Problem drinker”, “alcoholic”, “rock bottom”, who cares. Every story I read here could be my own, so I choose to make a change. I learn from my mistakes, and the mistakes of others. Drinking did give an escape, but the consequences made it a short-term gain in exchange for long-term misery.
One trick I used was a journal. Inspirational thoughts, memories of consequences, anything and everything went into it. The deal is I have to read the whole thing if I consider a drink. I’ve not read it back through yet. It’s a painful reminder of what I’d be going back to, and the idea that it’s all downhill from where I was is sobering.
Best wishes,
-bora
I quit trying to answer the “am I or not?” question because I realized I kept right on drinking while I pondered it. The truth was, what I labeled my drinking didn’t matter, my goal/objective when I drank was the important thing. I didn’t want a glass of wine, I wanted all of the wine. Who cares if I can drink like everyone else, I don’t want to. Even now, over a year without, there is no question in my mind that if I did drink my goal would still be the fuzzy escape that a bottle + brings. The days of enjoying a glass or two are so long gone it’s ridiculous.
I try not to trip myself on labels. “Problem drinker”, “alcoholic”, “rock bottom”, who cares. Every story I read here could be my own, so I choose to make a change. I learn from my mistakes, and the mistakes of others. Drinking did give an escape, but the consequences made it a short-term gain in exchange for long-term misery.
One trick I used was a journal. Inspirational thoughts, memories of consequences, anything and everything went into it. The deal is I have to read the whole thing if I consider a drink. I’ve not read it back through yet. It’s a painful reminder of what I’d be going back to, and the idea that it’s all downhill from where I was is sobering.
Best wishes,
-bora
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,447
Hi EllieMay
I would feel like death and stop drinking - then a day or two later it was easy for me to think 'gee I feel great now - how bad could that last binge have been? I'll just be more careful in future..."
I went round and round like that for a decade or more.
Posting here everyday - not only posting about myself but posting to others as well - helped me see my story was their story too - I really was 'that bad' and this thing could kill me if I let it.
Posting to others helped me see I knew the right thing to do - but it was me who was stopping myself from really doing it.
SR gave me the courage to give not drinking - forever - a go
D
I would feel like death and stop drinking - then a day or two later it was easy for me to think 'gee I feel great now - how bad could that last binge have been? I'll just be more careful in future..."
I went round and round like that for a decade or more.
Posting here everyday - not only posting about myself but posting to others as well - helped me see my story was their story too - I really was 'that bad' and this thing could kill me if I let it.
Posting to others helped me see I knew the right thing to do - but it was me who was stopping myself from really doing it.
SR gave me the courage to give not drinking - forever - a go
D
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 95
AV= Addictive Voice It's your AV which is talking to you. It only wants to make you miserable and sick....don't listen to it. The more the sobriety you have the weaker the voice gets...but it takes time to shut it up!! Don't take the bait....the AV lies!
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
Originally Posted by Ellie May 1001 
Hi there
or perhaps more worryingly, this little voice inside my head that convinces me I am not really an alcoholic, I am over reacting about the past instances and that it will be different this time.
This little voice is new and was not there the first two occasions I attempted recovery, or at least it wasn't as noticeable.
or perhaps more worryingly, this little voice inside my head that convinces me I am not really an alcoholic, I am over reacting about the past instances and that it will be different this time.
This little voice is new and was not there the first two occasions I attempted recovery, or at least it wasn't as noticeable.
There were maybe one or two times that scared me to death about 6 months in to sobriety where I was offered wine and the little voice said immediately, "Hey no problem. You're fine. You can handle it." What scared me was that my big voice wasn't paying close attention, and didn't offer it's usual response for a couple of seconds. During that 2 second absence, I felt totally vulnerable, and a wave of fear traveled through me.
Ignore your little voice. If you want to be sober, why would you want to drink anyway? Logically, that would be totally counterproductive, and you don't have to be a Vulcan like Mr. Spock to understand that.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
Ellie May,
Just a comment on your thread title, "The 64 Million Dollar Question." I actually remember that quiz show on our family's black and white television when I was a little kid. You must be really old.
Oh wait! That was "The 64 Thousand Dollar Question." Yee Gads, I'm the one that's old!
Just a comment on your thread title, "The 64 Million Dollar Question." I actually remember that quiz show on our family's black and white television when I was a little kid. You must be really old.
Oh wait! That was "The 64 Thousand Dollar Question." Yee Gads, I'm the one that's old!
Last edited by DriGuy; 12-07-2018 at 06:06 PM. Reason: spelling
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by Ellie May 1001
...
What (for you) made you drink when you knew how much damage it was doing and it was ruining your life.....
xx
What (for you) made you drink when you knew how much damage it was doing and it was ruining your life.....
xx
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Lancs, UK
Posts: 13
Wow thanks for all the responses guys. I have to say I resonate with all of them apart from DriGuy's one about my age!! 
Never question a lady's age!!
All of these are really interesting and also very helpful. The only thing I would say DriGuy to the bit about why would I want to drink if I want to be sober is...................I have no idea! Right at this very moment its because I am only four days clear of the last binge so have that awful anxiety that withdrawal gives you which always makes me want to 'kick it down the line' again for a while, but as someone said above I too, know I am running out of chances to get hold of this as the next binge could well be my last. I will therefore have to ride it out.
Thanks again.
EM xx
Never question a lady's age!!All of these are really interesting and also very helpful. The only thing I would say DriGuy to the bit about why would I want to drink if I want to be sober is...................I have no idea! Right at this very moment its because I am only four days clear of the last binge so have that awful anxiety that withdrawal gives you which always makes me want to 'kick it down the line' again for a while, but as someone said above I too, know I am running out of chances to get hold of this as the next binge could well be my last. I will therefore have to ride it out.
Thanks again.
EM xx
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
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Hi EllieMay,
It’s a deep question and issue for me. I’m 23 months sober this time. I had several previous relapses. I have come close to relapsing a few times recently. I don’t like the term “alcoholic”. I think it is antiquated. The newer term “alcohol use/abuse disorder” resonates more with me and I’m definitely on the more problematic end of the spectrum. Either way, I’ve admitted I’m powerless over alcohol and I practice the twelve steps and do all the things that recovering “alcoholics” do.
Every relapse and close call with relapse has been “triggered” by circumstances in my life that I have no control over. Primarily this involves special needs parenting in my current situation combined with post traumatic stress having lost two siblings to suicide combined with my fears of the future about my child. It is very complicated. When something bad happens involving my child, I immediately think catastrophically about the future (because I’ve seen the worst case scenario multiple times in my life).
What has helped me is to immediately come here and check in with SR and post my thoughts. The thoughts and pictures I am trying to think in the moment are: I imagine waves crashing and clouds passing and I remind myself this moment will pass. All the bad feelings, the situation with my child, my urge to drink, etc. And it’s true- it always does pass. I remind myself to take everything one breath at a time, one day at a time and this helps me to not get so ahead of myself in the future. I remind myself that I am powerless over alcohol and there are many other things I am powerless over, but that I can choose my thoughts and actions. I have the power of choice. I can be proactive in my situation and I can get help for myself and my son when I need it.
I remind myself that no problem is ever made better by drinking. It’s always made worse. I remember how much better my life is now, how much better I look, feel and behave being sober.
It’s a deep question and issue for me. I’m 23 months sober this time. I had several previous relapses. I have come close to relapsing a few times recently. I don’t like the term “alcoholic”. I think it is antiquated. The newer term “alcohol use/abuse disorder” resonates more with me and I’m definitely on the more problematic end of the spectrum. Either way, I’ve admitted I’m powerless over alcohol and I practice the twelve steps and do all the things that recovering “alcoholics” do.
Every relapse and close call with relapse has been “triggered” by circumstances in my life that I have no control over. Primarily this involves special needs parenting in my current situation combined with post traumatic stress having lost two siblings to suicide combined with my fears of the future about my child. It is very complicated. When something bad happens involving my child, I immediately think catastrophically about the future (because I’ve seen the worst case scenario multiple times in my life).
What has helped me is to immediately come here and check in with SR and post my thoughts. The thoughts and pictures I am trying to think in the moment are: I imagine waves crashing and clouds passing and I remind myself this moment will pass. All the bad feelings, the situation with my child, my urge to drink, etc. And it’s true- it always does pass. I remind myself to take everything one breath at a time, one day at a time and this helps me to not get so ahead of myself in the future. I remind myself that I am powerless over alcohol and there are many other things I am powerless over, but that I can choose my thoughts and actions. I have the power of choice. I can be proactive in my situation and I can get help for myself and my son when I need it.
I remind myself that no problem is ever made better by drinking. It’s always made worse. I remember how much better my life is now, how much better I look, feel and behave being sober.
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Thread Starter
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Location: Lancs, UK
Posts: 13
Fearlessat50 - I am so sorry to hear of your circumstances and thank you so much for sharing that. I lost a sibling to suicide last year too. Life can be extremely brutal at times and that is certainly a time when I struggle, but I completely agree that giving into the temptation to 'check out' for a while has only ever made it much, much worse.
You are doing so incredibly well and I hope that I can be as strong as you too.
EM xx
You are doing so incredibly well and I hope that I can be as strong as you too.
EM xx
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 374
hey Ellie ...as well as checking in here 4 or 5 times a day ...I found reading people's memoirs helped me big time ..there's loads online I download on to my kindle .im almost a year sober an I still read at least one book a month I find they keep me grounded an remind me what alcohol really can do
(I also feel like I'm reading my own story )
check them out ...some fantastic reading out there
hugs
cara x
(I also feel like I'm reading my own story )
check them out ...some fantastic reading out there
hugs
cara x
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Hi EM,
I notice something interesting about you. You joined the SR forum a bit over 10 years ago and made one post. Then you went radio silent.
For.
10.
Years.
What inspired you to start posting here after all this time? Were you just a silent reader or did you put SR aside?
Regarding the issue you raised - The 64 Million Dollar Question:
"perhaps more worryingly, this little voice inside my head that convinces me I am not really an alcoholic"
I went through the "alcoholic" question when I first got back into recovery. An AA old timer kind of put it to rest by simply asking me if alcohol was currently having a positive or negative influence on my life. In his view the term "alcoholic" was irrelevant to the drink/don't drink decision. For me this sort of ended my internal debate. One does not need to be an "alcoholic" to benefit from sobriety.
Someone else summed it up a bit differently. This one just stuck in my head too. He said for him alcohol had three phases:
1 - Fun;
2 - Fun with Consequences;
3 - Consequences.
I notice something interesting about you. You joined the SR forum a bit over 10 years ago and made one post. Then you went radio silent.
For.
10.
Years.
What inspired you to start posting here after all this time? Were you just a silent reader or did you put SR aside?
Regarding the issue you raised - The 64 Million Dollar Question:
"perhaps more worryingly, this little voice inside my head that convinces me I am not really an alcoholic"
I went through the "alcoholic" question when I first got back into recovery. An AA old timer kind of put it to rest by simply asking me if alcohol was currently having a positive or negative influence on my life. In his view the term "alcoholic" was irrelevant to the drink/don't drink decision. For me this sort of ended my internal debate. One does not need to be an "alcoholic" to benefit from sobriety.
Someone else summed it up a bit differently. This one just stuck in my head too. He said for him alcohol had three phases:
1 - Fun;
2 - Fun with Consequences;
3 - Consequences.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by soberclover
A good question although not sure the answer other than I'm a true alcoholic. We drink despite the negative consequences. For me, the difference was that I had a worse than before medical event landing me in the intensive unit of the hospital with a brain injury. I had lost my marriage, lost my house, wrecked my car, and had a few different emergency room visits usually resulting in a few stitches. Something just clicked this time and I knew I was running out of luck. I knew in my heart that if I didn't quit drinking I would die in some stupid, avoidable way and that it would mean that my children wouldn't have a mother. I knew in my heart I had to quit drinking. I had finally accepted that I was an alcoholic and that my drinking would truly kill me.
I looked at the doctor that day and had NO ANSWER for him when he said "Why, August?"
Because I am an alcoholic. So i quit drinking and have created and work daily to maintain a life with a backdrop of recovery.
In toto it is beautiful - that gratitude part least and others always mention is essential - and then again, right NOW it is tough, in some significant emotional ways. Regardless, I don't drink..
I'm glad you have another chance - I know I don't have one in me so I hope you choose to make this your last start, ever.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Lancs, UK
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by AAPJ
Hi EM,
I notice something interesting about you. You joined the SR forum a bit over 10 years ago and made one post. Then you went radio silent.
For.
10.
Years.
What inspired you to start posting here after all this time? Were you just a silent reader or did you put SR aside?
I notice something interesting about you. You joined the SR forum a bit over 10 years ago and made one post. Then you went radio silent.
For.
10.
Years.
What inspired you to start posting here after all this time? Were you just a silent reader or did you put SR aside?
Attempt one was a good run - 6 years to be exact. Six bloody good years.......then came complacency and in turn attempt two.
Attempt two............... not so hot, more of a struggle couldn't find professional help in the area I was in then (the medical system is very different in the UK - its free and therefore what you get, depends on what's available where you live) but somehow managed to get sober again pretty much on my own. Then, well all hell broke loose which I will not bore you with but I suppose I thought things couldn't get any worse so I decided to get drunk. Just as a one off obviously.
That seem hysterical in its irony now as here I am on attempt 3 and it made NO DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER to the hell breaking loose of course, it just landed me back in the most trouble I have ever been in alcohol wise. Sigh.
So this time - I am getting professional help again (on a waiting list) but I am acutely aware that I need as much help and support as I can get, so I will find it wherever I can and try things that I thought weren't for me in the past, like the AA or group meetings, or internet forums. I will basically do anything and everything I can do to get back to sobriety.
I must say that thus far I have found this forum fabulous. Really helpful and I intend to sick around this time if you'll have me!
I like the book idea, I have noticed a few around actually. Perhaps this is where I have been going wrong all along. I think I have tried to almost not think about the subject or box it away as I find it so awful to think about, so I 'crack on' and focus on other things and try not to think about my alcohol problem. Maybe this is why I conveniently forget the carnage of the last binge and allow myself to be convinced that this time will be different................
Time for a reassessment I think.
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