ulfr

is it bad that i feel suicidal and i want to do weed
i want to get high drink or cut **** myself up in some way
not going to AA not caling someone dont give a ****

husband pissed at me
better off not being in my head sleep will not help death wouldnt help
because i am going to hell according to my abusers
whats the point if am not flying high need a good reason to go to hell
just get high

Dee74

It's only been a few days since you changed your meds spiritualriver - maybe the things you're feeling right now are related to that?

I'm sorry your abusers are tormenting you in your head.

Do you have a Dr or nurse you can call for help?

did you get to that walking group yet or has it been too hard?

D

ulfr

yes i have started the walking group , i need to go back to AA again havent been for a few days speant the evening with friends from the church seeing people drunk and the fact am feeling like this for no reason

its my Borderline persnailty disorder that wants me dead

i have to go to bed now hopfully i feel better tomorrow i cant make a meeting until 1 pm there one first thing in the morning but i dont think my husband will take me to it its at 7 am i have an appointment at 9 am to 11 am
got the walking group tomorrow they want to go out on friday but its the pub and i said id go and there making me a vegan unicorn cake i cant say no ( its an early birthday cake my birthday isnt until 23 of dec my belly buttion birthday ) i can drink soda but id be temped

Ghostlight1

I know how you feel, Serenity.
My mental illness has been trying to kill me for the last thirty years. I won't let that ****** win though, and I won't let it make me get high or drink.

Fight. I have to fight. I can't let it win and it won't and I won't drink over it.
Do what you need to stay alive, and I'll do the same. Like it or not, we're in this together. We can and shall overcome.
Best to you.

Anna

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down and struggling so much.

I'm glad you're keeping up with the walking group and I hope it will help you to feel a bit better.

Gilmer

(((((SerenityRiver))))))

I am so glad you know that the voices pushing you toward death or self-harm are rooted in your BPD. No matter how insistently they plague you, you know they're lies.

It is very sweet that your walking group is making you that cake! There is no shame in giving people a heads up that you have recently given up drinking, and you really don't want to give in to the temptation. If they care enough to go out of their way to make you such a special birthday cake, they will surely care enough to encourage you to stay sober even though you all happen to be at the pub.

I will be praying for you, for your appointment, for the potential AA meeting, and for your time with the walking group.

(I also regularly pray for your husband. He seems like a genuinely fine guy).

Jules714

Keep venting!! So smart.
Someone else said it; fight. Give the meds time and fight like hell. You can.Walking, Meetings, cake?! Doing so good. Lol. Sending big hugs.
Jules

Zanna

Remember you can always call 111 - for advice - it doesn't have to be an emergency.
Hugs

ulfr

I cant sleep me and my husband keep fighting over what FAITH i am and the fact i cant sleep am meant just to lay there with racing thoughts in my head
av had enough of been treated like a child i cant work AA if i dont have a faith i can call my own and personal to me am i wrong ?

Dee74

I've never heard AA in the UK being big on anyone needing a Christian (or any other kind of) faith to join DreamCatcher1 ?

A HP is a God of your understanding.

If you reject the notion of a God then Goodness is a good substitute in this case.

D

Jules714

I have heard God in AA as "good orderly direction" or "group of drunks" Use the group for as long as you need. ​​​​​It is a God of your understanding. Not anyone else's notion of their God.
Jules

Guener

I don't think that it matters what faith one has, or none at all as defined by the word, in order to benefit from going to AA meetings. Attending AA meetings, for me over the course of about a year, created the first safe space for me to come to terms with my addiction. During that time I was able to learn a lot about what it means to find other recovering people who shared the same principle aim that I do -- to stop drinking. I was not pressured in my groups to do anything but was encouraged to keep coming back and to not drink. I share many of the same principles that AA endorses regarding how I conduct myself, and my faith or lack of it didn't prevent me from learning very valuable things about myself in the process. You can avail yourself of AA in a very positive way without figuring out answers to the "big questions" that some would have you believe are required.