gemini7

Hi all. I've posted here a few times already and you can go look at my previous posts if you are interested at all in the back story. I want to first thank everyone who has taken time to respond to my prior posts. You have no idea how it helps me to not feel so alone.

How do you stop worrying about them? Like if they're dead or not, etc? To my knowledge, I never saw my ex high. Or least acting the way I was told he was acting Monday night when he decided to get high after only being out of prison not even a full 3 days.

He was described as running around in the woods in his neighborhood like a crazy person and that people were scared and talking about calling the cops on him. I never saw him like that and never heard details of how he acted while high. It's been haunting me.

His mom has not heard from him since Tuesday, when he came back home for a short time to bathe and change, then he was gone again. I want to stop worrying about him and feel guilty if I don't. Is that crazy? It feels crazy. I'm so very drained and want to move on, but I keep feeling afraid I'm gonna get a call from his mom that something has happened to him. I know I can't control it. I'm just saying how I feel.

Any advice? Thank you.

atalose

Worrying does not change a thing. Worry is like a rocking chair it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere. It robs you of happiness today, it takes away your inner peace today and it is giving the addict total control of your emotions. It’s like an obsession, much like drugs are his obsession, worrying about him is your obsession.

Get busy with your life, do something to focus your mind in a more self-productive manner. Exercise, take a class, read a book (not about alcoholism).
Make some positive changes in your life today like maybe stop talking to his family who seem to share info about him with you that keeps you attached to the drama.

gemini7

Hi atalose-Thank you for your response. I've been thinking a lot about the contact I have with his family. I'm so close to them, esp his mom. I decided yesterday not to call and check on her (she was in a car accident the week my ex got out of prison, so I genuinely want to know how she is, and also how she is doing about her son...just being honest), but she called me.

I feel bad if I don't answer her calls, but I haven't called his sisters lately and again, I didn't call his mom yesterday. She is hurting so badly. Both physically from the car accident, and now this. And it makes me even more angry with my ex that he's not there for her (or his nephew who was also injured in the wreck). She always tells me "well I just wanted to check on you to see if you're ok. If you need to talk just call me". But I actually think she needs to talk. My ex's siblings are over it. They're hurt too, of course, but I don't think they want to talk to her about it(I can't say that for all of them, but def a few), so I'm someone she can talk to.

But I honestly want to distance myself for my own sanity. Sigh.

Maudcat

Hi, gemini.
Welcome.
I think your ex’s sibs don’t want to talk about him with his mom because they are, as you say, over it.
One could also say they are defining their boundaries with their mom and ex.
Which is a great idea, btw.
How to that?. Remember that no one causes the addiction, no one can control it, and no one can cure it.
Your ex’s actions are his decisions, his choices.
I don’t know what his mom wants to talk about, but I’m guessing it’s some type of justifying why he is the way he is.
Just keep pulling the discussion back to his choices, his actions.
Over time, you will be able to pull away.
It’s a process.
Good luck.

atalose

I understand and it is hard detaching from the family especially when you feel close to them. My ex’s mother used to say to me, let’s not allow his behavior to come in between our friendship. But the fact was it was not my ex but the friendship that was keeping me to close to that “fire”. And that “fire” burned me more than once and I was not going to heal by sitting near it, if you know what I mean.

This is how we get ourselves into emotional turmoil, thinking we know what someone else may be thinking/feeling and needing. She put the ball into your court by saying if you need to talk just call me. And right now you don’t need to talk to her, you need to distance and heal yourself. Maybe one day down the road you can call her to talk but that day is not today, probably not tomorrow or even next week.

I remember when I would think I knew what his mother was thinking/feeling/needing and I found myself using any and all excuses to make contact with her. It was her bday, I saw one of her friends passed away then it was Thanksgiving, then Christmas and of course I needed to wish her a Happy New Year. And yes in all of those conversations I would ask how he was and then find myself all upset from hearing he was not doing good or hearing he was doing ok. I was keeping myself emotionally attached and that was not good for me.

gemini7

Maudcat-Hi. Thank you for the welcome and the encouragement.

No, his mom is def not justifying his actions at all. She told me that even though she loves her son, she knows I deserve better and I need to move on and be with someone who will treat me right. We had all hoped he was going to stay clean (if he ever really was) b/c supposedly he was in a drug program the last 2 years of his 4 year prison sentence.

I don't know if that was even true now. Who knows? But when he first started trying to contact me she wouldn't even give him my info. Lol. So that shows you that she was looking out for me. She knows he's not a bad person, just like I do, but that he was prob not going to stay on the straight and narrow like he promised.

atalose-I see you understand exactly how I feel.. You are speaking what I feel and experience. His mom is so sad that he is back out there and she's so disappointed in him that he hurt me again. But she warned me. I chose to believe the best and that was just dumb on my part.

Are you able to private message me? I know I can't initiate a private message because I haven't posted enough yet apparently. I wish they didn't have that rule. Anyway, thank you.

hopeful4

My advise is not to communicate with his family either. I would explain in a very nice way that for your own well being you have to be no contact.

No New Contact = No New Hurts

gemini7

hopeful4-I just messaged his mom today telling her that I love her and am thinking of her, but that I need time to heal. I told her always know I'm thinking of her and she wrote back 'I feel the same and love you much'. So, I will now not contact her for a min. It def was a lot talking to her every day, sometimes more than once a day. I feel for her, but I have to heal also. It makes me feel bad, but I don't know what else to do.

atalose

His mom understands and I think that was a big step for you to take for yourself and your healing.

I know, it's not easy.

Troubledone

Sometimes I think my worry is a way to try to get control of the uncontrollable. By ruminating in my mind, over and over, I keep seeking a solution that isn't there because I am trying to control the uncontrollable. I don't know if that is true for you in this situation.

If it is, I have found that if I can step back and just watch myself worry and ruminate - without judging myself for doing it - and if I'm lucky, somewhere in there I develop some compassion for myself - working so very hard to change something that can't be changed... that sometimes I am able to be kind to myself and let it go. Let it go (even for a little while ) and rest in the assurance that my HP has a plan, even if I can't see it.

Wishing you the peace that comes from accepting yourself (and your worry) without judgement.

gemini7

I def believe if I can look at myself in a more compassionate way, that it would help the healing process.

Thank you so much.