How Do You Deal Wirh the Anger?
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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How Do You Deal Wirh the Anger?
Hi. I'm new here and posted not long ago about my ex, who just got out of prison last weekend (for stealing to get drugs, of course). The last time he and I broke up was in August of 2014, he was arrested in Oct of 2014 and served 4 years.
We had been together and broken up 2 times before that. Always b/c of him going back to drugs. He would stay clean a few months (looking back, prob not as long as I thought), then he would change, start picking fights, be an a$$hole and would never break up with me, but would make it to where I would break up with him b/c he was such an a$$. He would then never contact me after that. Never tried getting me back. Just would disappear from my life and do his thing, then later get arrested, go to prison for a year or whatever, get out and do the same thing again.
I tried getting back with him the last 2 times before this last time. In those times, the pain of being without him seemed much worse than the pain of being with him. You can see I def wasn't in the best place then. He would push me away and I would do all I could to get him to talk to me and make things the way they were before he started unraveling again. It never worked and I would hurt myself worse. It was horrible.
So when he went back to prison in 2014 I was done. I never wrote him in prison. I knew where he was, but never wrote and decided to put it behind me. I worked on myself (as I already have issues with depression and anxiety) and made great strides. Well he started contacting me last year and we started emailing and he would call. He was in a drug program and saying he was gonna stay clean and that he loved me so much and wanted to thank me for being so good to him and sticking by his side in the past and apologized for everything.
I told him I would not be back with him when he got out, but I would be his friend as long as he acted right. I said IF we were to ever get back together I needed to see real change, like at least a year, etc. Well he got out last weekend. I saw him Saturday and all of my good intentions went out of the window. I still loved him (never stopped, I met him when I was 16 and he was my first love. We lost contact for years and reconnected in 2013 and that's when the horrible cycle started) and have always been very attracted to him. We began acting like a couple immediately with the affection, etc.
He was staying with his mom (who had been in a car accident the week of him getting out and she's all banged up trying to heal, as well as his nephew who broke his hip and trying to heal also) and so everyone was glad he would be home to help them. Saturday went great, even though I had no peace about being back with him, but I still loved him. Sunday, they had a dinner for him and a bunch of people were coming through to see his mom and nephew as well as him, of course. It was a decent day, but I saw him going inside himself.
He seemed moody. He takes all kinds of meds for mood issues, etc. So it wasn't surprising. I leave that night and he calls me on my way home and tells me to call him when I get home to know I'm ok, then says "well no, I'll call you, I'm about to go to the store". I say "ok". He tells me he loves me, I tell him I love him too. That's the last time I heard from him. His sister calls me Monday night to tell me he was back out there. He had gotten high and was running around in the woods in their neighborhood like a crazy person. It devastated me.
I found out through his sister that he came back Tuesday and took a bath and was on the porch in the moment that she and I were on the phone (I didn't ask, she just told me). I was so relieved he was ok, then was so angry that evidently he had come down from his high but still wasn't contacting me. After all of the promises and even apologizing again when I saw him for how he did me in the past, he turned right around and did the exact same thing he did before, except this time with no warning. I am so angry! In the past I would have tried to call him, or driven to his mom's house to track him down when I knew he was there. But not this time. I not once have called to see if he's there and I didn't drive there when I knew he was there Tuesday. He has since left again and his mom has not heard from him. He pisses me off not being there to take care of her and his nephew too, like he should be.
I don't know what to do with all of this rage at the nerve of this person, but am also well aware he is an addict. But obviously so many addicts still contact their partners even in addiction. I don't want to be with him, but just knowing he cared at all would help. Just a note:he wasn't using me for anything. I have no money. He actually gave me money last weekend. So there's nothing he was getting from me except love.
We had been together and broken up 2 times before that. Always b/c of him going back to drugs. He would stay clean a few months (looking back, prob not as long as I thought), then he would change, start picking fights, be an a$$hole and would never break up with me, but would make it to where I would break up with him b/c he was such an a$$. He would then never contact me after that. Never tried getting me back. Just would disappear from my life and do his thing, then later get arrested, go to prison for a year or whatever, get out and do the same thing again.
I tried getting back with him the last 2 times before this last time. In those times, the pain of being without him seemed much worse than the pain of being with him. You can see I def wasn't in the best place then. He would push me away and I would do all I could to get him to talk to me and make things the way they were before he started unraveling again. It never worked and I would hurt myself worse. It was horrible.
So when he went back to prison in 2014 I was done. I never wrote him in prison. I knew where he was, but never wrote and decided to put it behind me. I worked on myself (as I already have issues with depression and anxiety) and made great strides. Well he started contacting me last year and we started emailing and he would call. He was in a drug program and saying he was gonna stay clean and that he loved me so much and wanted to thank me for being so good to him and sticking by his side in the past and apologized for everything.
I told him I would not be back with him when he got out, but I would be his friend as long as he acted right. I said IF we were to ever get back together I needed to see real change, like at least a year, etc. Well he got out last weekend. I saw him Saturday and all of my good intentions went out of the window. I still loved him (never stopped, I met him when I was 16 and he was my first love. We lost contact for years and reconnected in 2013 and that's when the horrible cycle started) and have always been very attracted to him. We began acting like a couple immediately with the affection, etc.
He was staying with his mom (who had been in a car accident the week of him getting out and she's all banged up trying to heal, as well as his nephew who broke his hip and trying to heal also) and so everyone was glad he would be home to help them. Saturday went great, even though I had no peace about being back with him, but I still loved him. Sunday, they had a dinner for him and a bunch of people were coming through to see his mom and nephew as well as him, of course. It was a decent day, but I saw him going inside himself.
He seemed moody. He takes all kinds of meds for mood issues, etc. So it wasn't surprising. I leave that night and he calls me on my way home and tells me to call him when I get home to know I'm ok, then says "well no, I'll call you, I'm about to go to the store". I say "ok". He tells me he loves me, I tell him I love him too. That's the last time I heard from him. His sister calls me Monday night to tell me he was back out there. He had gotten high and was running around in the woods in their neighborhood like a crazy person. It devastated me.
I found out through his sister that he came back Tuesday and took a bath and was on the porch in the moment that she and I were on the phone (I didn't ask, she just told me). I was so relieved he was ok, then was so angry that evidently he had come down from his high but still wasn't contacting me. After all of the promises and even apologizing again when I saw him for how he did me in the past, he turned right around and did the exact same thing he did before, except this time with no warning. I am so angry! In the past I would have tried to call him, or driven to his mom's house to track him down when I knew he was there. But not this time. I not once have called to see if he's there and I didn't drive there when I knew he was there Tuesday. He has since left again and his mom has not heard from him. He pisses me off not being there to take care of her and his nephew too, like he should be.
I don't know what to do with all of this rage at the nerve of this person, but am also well aware he is an addict. But obviously so many addicts still contact their partners even in addiction. I don't want to be with him, but just knowing he cared at all would help. Just a note:he wasn't using me for anything. I have no money. He actually gave me money last weekend. So there's nothing he was getting from me except love.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I don't know what to do with all of this rage at the nerve of this person, but am also well aware he is an addict. But obviously so many addicts still contact their partners even in addiction. I don't want to be with him, but just knowing he cared at all would help.
He has nothing to offer, it's time to make your break and move one, letting go of all contact with him because he WILL use you, addiction has no respect for anything.
Leaving now may hurt, staying will hurt more as you repeat the lesson over and over until you finally understand that you cannot save him, if love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
Let go of the anger and embrace a future free of addiction of any kind.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
You can also use that anger to propel you out of this situation.
As Ann mentioned, he is an addict looking for his DOC (drug of choice), nothing is as important as that.
He has shown you who he is. You will have to accept that, you cannot change him. I'm sure you discussed hopes and dreams with him at some point and while that might be what he wants that's not what he wants right now, what he wants is his drugs.
You can't date his potential. You didn't Cause this, Can't control it and absolutely cannot Cure it.
As Ann mentioned, he is an addict looking for his DOC (drug of choice), nothing is as important as that.
He has shown you who he is. You will have to accept that, you cannot change him. I'm sure you discussed hopes and dreams with him at some point and while that might be what he wants that's not what he wants right now, what he wants is his drugs.
You can't date his potential. You didn't Cause this, Can't control it and absolutely cannot Cure it.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 114
Ann-Thank you for your response. I have no choice but to let go. He's not contacting me at all. He never does. One thing I can say is he never tried to drag me through it with him while he's actively using. He just disappears from my life and leaves me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart...again. He's not coming back...so regardless, it's over.
trailmix-Thank you for your response. I do need to accept who he is. I feel I'm 98% there. The other 2% still thinks about who I know him to be when he's sober. But he's not sober. He's a drug addict who doesn't give a rat's a$$ about me or anyone else for that matter. I'm not going back to him. That's not the issue. The issue for me was just wishing he would at least try and contact me to say he's sorry or something, but I know that's irrational. Like I'm an intelligent woman and realize how ridiculous I sound a lot of times. Sigh.
trailmix-Thank you for your response. I do need to accept who he is. I feel I'm 98% there. The other 2% still thinks about who I know him to be when he's sober. But he's not sober. He's a drug addict who doesn't give a rat's a$$ about me or anyone else for that matter. I'm not going back to him. That's not the issue. The issue for me was just wishing he would at least try and contact me to say he's sorry or something, but I know that's irrational. Like I'm an intelligent woman and realize how ridiculous I sound a lot of times. Sigh.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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How do you deal with the anger?
Very carefully.
On its face, there's nothing wrong with being angry when it's justified. Anger is a normal emotion. People get into trouble when they allow their anger to influence their behavior and decisions. Some of the things I said to my AXGF back in the day where absolutely horrendous and indefensible. Even now, I think about it and I cringe. What saved me from going completely down the anger rabbit hole was understanding that acting out is a choice. It is a behavior. It does take practice to not do self defeating things when you're angry.
My advice is when you're in that place, accept it, sit with it as best you can, and decide not to act out when you're in that place.
Sorry you've had to come to us, but I'm happy you're here.
Very carefully.
On its face, there's nothing wrong with being angry when it's justified. Anger is a normal emotion. People get into trouble when they allow their anger to influence their behavior and decisions. Some of the things I said to my AXGF back in the day where absolutely horrendous and indefensible. Even now, I think about it and I cringe. What saved me from going completely down the anger rabbit hole was understanding that acting out is a choice. It is a behavior. It does take practice to not do self defeating things when you're angry.
My advice is when you're in that place, accept it, sit with it as best you can, and decide not to act out when you're in that place.
Sorry you've had to come to us, but I'm happy you're here.
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zoso77-Thank you so much for your response. I can thankfully say I haven't said anything to him I regret in the past. This past time, I didn't even have a chance. He disappeared from my life after 2 days after reuniting after 4 years. I don't think I would say anything crazy now either.
I've been working on shifting my focus back to myself and taking care of me, instead of what he did. I recognize he is sick, but he's still an ass for what he did. That's just how I feel. But he's gone now, and it's over. I am never going to give him another chance. I don't think I'd have an opportunity even if I was willing. He never contacts me after he leaves. He just leaves me. This past time was the only time he initiated contact after the break up, and that was a few years later from prison where he was supposedly clean.
His family and I both now believe he was prob using inside. Anyway, that's neither here nor there, I guess. I can def say I understand why you said some of the things you said to your ex. It's hard to not unleash on these people who cause you SO much pain and have no compassion or the capability to empathize with how you feel. I'm glad you were able to move on.
I've been working on shifting my focus back to myself and taking care of me, instead of what he did. I recognize he is sick, but he's still an ass for what he did. That's just how I feel. But he's gone now, and it's over. I am never going to give him another chance. I don't think I'd have an opportunity even if I was willing. He never contacts me after he leaves. He just leaves me. This past time was the only time he initiated contact after the break up, and that was a few years later from prison where he was supposedly clean.
His family and I both now believe he was prob using inside. Anyway, that's neither here nor there, I guess. I can def say I understand why you said some of the things you said to your ex. It's hard to not unleash on these people who cause you SO much pain and have no compassion or the capability to empathize with how you feel. I'm glad you were able to move on.
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Coming into this conversation a little late...
One thing that helped me was to realize that codependency is the "other" addiction. And that I am an addict.
So, my behavior is just as irrational as my addict's when she (my niece) is using or is not using but not really in active recovery.
There is a big difference between someone who is simply not using drugs at the current time and someone who is in active recovery (doing the 12 steps, getting their life together, etc.). The concept of "dry drunk" applies here - the same faulty thinking and relationship problems without the actual substance.. just as crazy making with our without the drugs.
So good for you that you are refocusing on you. Until you get to the core of your own "addiction" (codependency), it will be very hard for you to put your addict in the proper perspective. Anger is a wonderful sign that a boundary has been violated (either by the addict or by a person not having a good boundary to begin with). One good use of anger is to figure out what the boundary violation was and use the anger to reinforce the boundary.
I also saw a post here one time that really helped me... work your program the way you wished your addict worked theirs. It has made a big difference for me.
Wishing you a safe journey back to you.
One thing that helped me was to realize that codependency is the "other" addiction. And that I am an addict.
So, my behavior is just as irrational as my addict's when she (my niece) is using or is not using but not really in active recovery.
There is a big difference between someone who is simply not using drugs at the current time and someone who is in active recovery (doing the 12 steps, getting their life together, etc.). The concept of "dry drunk" applies here - the same faulty thinking and relationship problems without the actual substance.. just as crazy making with our without the drugs.
So good for you that you are refocusing on you. Until you get to the core of your own "addiction" (codependency), it will be very hard for you to put your addict in the proper perspective. Anger is a wonderful sign that a boundary has been violated (either by the addict or by a person not having a good boundary to begin with). One good use of anger is to figure out what the boundary violation was and use the anger to reinforce the boundary.
I also saw a post here one time that really helped me... work your program the way you wished your addict worked theirs. It has made a big difference for me.
Wishing you a safe journey back to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by Troubledone 
Coming into this conversation a little late...
One thing that helped me was to realize that codependency is the "other" addiction. And that I am an addict.
So, my behavior is just as irrational as my addict's when she (my niece) is using or is not using but not really in active recovery.
There is a big difference between someone who is simply not using drugs at the current time and someone who is in active recovery (doing the 12 steps, getting their life together, etc.). The concept of "dry drunk" applies here - the same faulty thinking and relationship problems without the actual substance.. just as crazy making with our without the drugs.
So good for you that you are refocusing on you. Until you get to the core of your own "addiction" (codependency), it will be very hard for you to put your addict in the proper perspective. Anger is a wonderful sign that a boundary has been violated (either by the addict or by a person not having a good boundary to begin with). One good use of anger is to figure out what the boundary violation was and use the anger to reinforce the boundary.
I also saw a post here one time that really helped me... work your program the way you wished your addict worked theirs. It has made a big difference for me.
Wishing you a safe journey back to you.
One thing that helped me was to realize that codependency is the "other" addiction. And that I am an addict.
So, my behavior is just as irrational as my addict's when she (my niece) is using or is not using but not really in active recovery.
There is a big difference between someone who is simply not using drugs at the current time and someone who is in active recovery (doing the 12 steps, getting their life together, etc.). The concept of "dry drunk" applies here - the same faulty thinking and relationship problems without the actual substance.. just as crazy making with our without the drugs.
So good for you that you are refocusing on you. Until you get to the core of your own "addiction" (codependency), it will be very hard for you to put your addict in the proper perspective. Anger is a wonderful sign that a boundary has been violated (either by the addict or by a person not having a good boundary to begin with). One good use of anger is to figure out what the boundary violation was and use the anger to reinforce the boundary.
I also saw a post here one time that really helped me... work your program the way you wished your addict worked theirs. It has made a big difference for me.
Wishing you a safe journey back to you.
I like what you mentioned about working on ourselves the way we wish the addict would work on themselves. I'm doing just that. He is no longer someone I want to be with and it's just that after knowing him since I was 16 (he was my first love and I'm 45 now), there's a lot of history to get past. I know I can do it. Thank you so much.
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