Pulaski

I have a question to which I think I know the answer but will ask anyway. A bit of background. My son has a long history of drug abuse; mostly benzos but also cocaine and heroin and anything else he could get. He also suffers from anxiety and depression. He has made repeated failed attempts to stop taking drugs. He has also gone through repeated periods of denial, even when confronted with physical evidence. He has ruined his life so far and is getting very close to ruining mine and his mother’s. There is also a child involved who will soon notice his dad is an addict (if not already). We are able to shield child to some extent because contact is supervised by us (via court order) and so there is also no child safety issue. This is long overdue but we are at the point where we have had enough and for our own sakes and that of the child we are considering ending our co-dependence. If we do that he will lose access to his child. it is possible our son will then kill himself, either deliberately and suddenly (as he has threatened to do) or (probably more likely) via excessive drug consumption. Of course it’s also possible it will tip him over the other way and he’ll quit.

The question – is there any chance that his historic drug taking/mental health problems/lack of sleep could cause symptoms that look exactly (and I mean exactly) like he is taking drugs – slurring, mode changes, lack of co-ordination, rambling, etc. Or am I clutching at straws (again)? I have seen him normal and he is really different. He is adamant he isn’t using (but has been before and proved wrong). I want to be sure before I take what will be a drastic step. Note – I am not asking whether I should stop enabling a drug addict – I know the answer to that already.

thanks

pdm22

doggonecarl

Using looks like using. Recovery looks like recovery. Trust your gut.

Could you make visitation contingent on his passing a drug test?

OpheliaKatz

Hi. Welcome to SR. I have to say that it's impossible to know what is causing what. I think that the drug use makes the mental health issue worse. Unfortunately this is a case where he needs help for both of these things, but he needs to be sober before he can work on his mental health. I was in a similar situation to you -- the addict in my life also had mental health problems and was also threatening suicide/had attempted to suicide via drugs.

No matter what happens, if you stop enabling him you will be doing the right thing because there will be a chance that he will decide to change. But you have no control over this -- he might decide not to stop, he might decide to end his life. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you (and him). I agree with doggonecarl.

atalose

I agree, using looks like using and recovery looks likes recovery and from what you describe it appears it’s still the same old history but with a loud voice of denial telling himself and trying to convince you he is not using.

Not sure if you and your wife have gotten any counseling, therapy or help to help you address this hideous disease of addiction but I would highly recommend that. I would also recommend talking with an attorney on what your rights as grandparents and visits with your grandchild could be as well . I think continuing to have a relationship with your grandchild is going to depend a lot on what kind of a relationship you have with the child’s mother.

I know you want to end your co-dependence to your son’s addiction but it’s usually not just as simple as kicking them out of your home. This is why outside help for you both will be so important.

Pulaski

What I thought. I've seen him in recovery and I've seen him using and deep down I know what I'm seeing now.

We get on OK with child's mother and she has always said we can have access no matter what. I am familiar with the legal process (and willing to use it) if need be.

Drugs testing. He said he'll do it but is making excuses why he might not pass (medication, benzos still in system, etc.). Worth a thought though.

I'm going to talk to his counsellor (we have permission) and say what he says. He has been offered in patient rehab (9-5 six days/week for 7 weeks) but doesn't want to do it. He says it's because he'll lose his job, which is probably true. I suspect it's because he'll be tested daily and doesn't want to quit. I have the financial means to support him through rehab (which would be a minor addition to what he's cost us already). The rehab itself is free, provided by the NHS.

Thanks for all the replies.

Troubledone

First, I would like to encourage you to end codependency - not for or against your loved one, but because codependency in any circumstance is not the best option.

I had the very same question about my niece who I recently had to have committed (I was successful and now she is in forced treatment).

In the end I realized that it did not matter if it was mental illness, drugs or some other reason or a combination. The idea of setting reasonable adult boundaries and protecting children from adults who are out of control is always the right thing to do.

And - I came to realize that my addict was killing herself slowly -- so the status quo was a certain death. However, if I stopped enabling and paid attention to what my HP was asking me to do, there might be some hope. A question would be - will it get better under the current circumstances and if the answer is no - what is your solution?

These situations are very sticky - and I found that building a case for commitment by calling police for a "health and welfare" check or the local mobile psych unit whenever behavior got erratic, created enough history that when she landed in the hospital trying to steal a car on meth - I was able to get authorities to have her committed while she was confined for observation.

Your situation might not be as extreme - but you may want to access local NAMI (National Alliance for Mentally Ill) and other resources to find out what you can do besides codependency.

Prayers to find your way out of this labyrinth.

Troubledone

Oh - and by the way - my addict was using drugs and they were making her mental illness worse - and she went from simple ADHD to full blown BiPolar I disorder - so better to assume they are using, because in dual diagnosis cases, one leads to the other. So, maybe ask yourself - does it matter which came first, the chicken or the egg... what is the situation asking of you now?

Pulaski

Well I was right. Yet another crisis over the past few days - lost job, overdose, police, hospital, the usual. I should not have doubted myself but it's hard not to cling on to faint hopes.

I had really thought/hoped it was different this time as for the first time he admitted the extent of his problem and expressed a wish to change. He was also clean for about 6 weeks. He has said this last episode was a 'stupid mistake'. We have now told him we will not enable him to have access to his child unless he can demonstrate he is drug-free. And we mean it. I'd rather child had no father than one who is a practising addict (we could still get access as grandparents). I think he will have noticed there was none of the usual arguments and emotion this time; we were very calm and direct.

What next? He has got himself on to an outpatient rehab program (7 weeks, 9-6, 6 days per week) in 2 weeks time. He'll be tested regularly and kicked out if positive. He's also had to write quite a detailed account of his habit to get on the program which I've seen and that's both revealing and non-retractable.

This time I've really, really had enough. I don't want drugs in my and my family's life any more. And if my son is using then I don't want him either. I think there is a much less than evens chance this will end well so I'm prepared for the worst but still hoping.

hopeful4

I think that prepare for the worst but hope and pray for the best is always the safe bet when dealing with any addict.

I am sorry he relapsed, but am so happy that you are there for your grandchild and standing firm in your boundaries.

Huge hugs.

atalose

I am sorry that you doubted yourself and that he relapsed. One think that was very hard for me to learn was in trusting myself and my feelings. Your body doesn’t lie to you, always remember that.

I think you are making some very hard but well needed decisions for yourself and for your grandchild.

((hugs))