Smarie78

While many of you know my story, and my eventual somewhat-victory of leaving the relationship with an alcoholic, I never truly went NC. I regret this. This is probably the best advice I never followed but was given by this community. The reason for it is because I still find myself impacted by him even if we no longer see eachother. We still talk and text often and I am sometimes overwhelmed by his words and still feel the familiar pull of sorts. You really can't do it half way to let it not effect you anymore. I really thought I could beat the age old wisdom of NC and have it both ways - leaving, but staying. Staying, but leaving. Because I struggle with issues of abandonment (me abandoning others), I thought I could pull it off.

He stayed sober since the double amputation he endured due to his drinking. He was sober for 9 months which is the longest stretch we've seen in years. Unfortunately even the surgery was not his bottom and he fell off again recently. If we did NC I wouldn't have to feel the familiar twinge of unease when he doesn't respond to see how he is doing. If we did NC I wouldn't have the mental enslavement of wondering how this time will end up. I could have had real peace just going about my life not knowing.

While this time is markedly different from others since I have been physically and romantically removed from him for quite some time, the lack of NC has still kept me involved in his story. While I am not panicking imagining him dead or ringing his phone off the hook to look for him, I still feel those familiar, albeit less so, moments of discomforting concern.

If you are leaving a relationship with an addict or in the midst of doing so, I couldn't agree more with the members of this board in saying you must go NO CONTACT. You can't do it half way just as the addict cannot keep booze in the house even if he isn't drinking (though I'm sure some long enough in their own recovery may be able to?).

I finally blocked his number today. I don't want to know how the chapter ends anymore for him. It is completely out of my control. And that I accept. I feel sad for him and anyone who cannot beat this disease. My heart goes out to them. It is wretched and while yes they can choose to go into remission at any time, I don't know that they all can ever reach it. Some people just don't. And not for being lazy or not trying. I truly believe some people just can't beat the beast for whatever reason.

humble1993

Yes, I agree the no contact does help. The other times I ended things with my ex and continued to talk to him but still felt that connected feeling because I chose to keep talking to him. It has been hard with the no contact this time but I believe it is best for the both of us.

Mango212

No one path. Maybe you needed the extra time. I certainly did. (((hugs)))

Kudos on blocking the number. One day at a time.

Mango212

Smarie,

How are you doing today?

Smarie78

Thank you Mango for the kind words. I am ok today. In terms of him and his whereabouts, what once took up 95% of my thoughts, now takes up maybe 20%. The physical distance from him has helped tremendously. I worry for him, but unlike in the past I am going about my life as normal. I say a prayer for him but then I detach. Where I must be more careful however is my own tendencies to numb with unhealthy habits. I feel a foray into that somewhat lately, so my best way of handling has been burying myself in work which has been incredibly easy to do given our very busy time of year at the office

Otherwise, thoroughly enjoying this change of season. It is unseasonably warm here in the Midwest but thankfully that will change in a couple of days and true Fall can be enjoyed.

I hope this day finds you well

Joyandhope

Thanks for sharing and for the advice. I can't even fathom how NC will even work when I leave so I will have to spend some time on here to read more and to get me prepared. It sounds like you are doing really well.

Bekindalways

Smarie, you have climbed mountains on this one. Congratulations lady. And I hope the blocked number takes you further into health.

Glenjo99

I think nc is so hard so your doing well. I can see the value in it two and half months on but still have hard days where I want to hear about him. Having Less days of this now.

Michsm

I never went no contact but spent about a month reading all of his nasty texts and not responding, which he finally stopped and havent heard from him in a month. Honestly, I never thought I could do this as I always thought I would be in some sort of contact with him. Definalty is the best thing, I am not holding on to that life any longer and so much happier. I do think about him sometimes but it is not the same as it was before, I am not longing for him.

I think what helped me the most was time and definalty my best friend, she was the biggest lifesaver by allowing me to call her at anytime and she was there to listen and offer great advice.

curiouskarma

I couldn’t agree more, no contact is so hard but so necessary. I feel codependence is truly an addiction to another person or people. I was reading a book about quitting smoking, where the author says “there is no such thing as just one cigarrette.” I feel the same concept applies here as well.... there is no such thing as just one text.... even the slightest contact keeps you on the hook. I’ve personally ended things with abf countless times, yet the urge is always there to reach out... to apologize for somethig I feel I did, or just see how he’s doing, make sure he’s okay...And then its back on the rollercoaster.

Eauchiche

Good for you, Smarie!!!
I had to have limited contact recently to finish up a divorce and remove some of my personal effects.
We had a few nice visits on the front porch drinking iced tea.
We are no contact again, just because that is NOW the path of least resistance. There seems to be no chemistry between us any more. That fork in the road happened a long time ago, and we are on different paths.