mamabear26

Hi everyone, today the boys went to visit with their father. Drop off and pick up went fine. However, when they came back home they told me that their Dad told them he plans on taking them to Dave n' Busters tomorrow. He currently has them from 9am-2pm. Dave n' Busters is about an hour away from my town. However, as part of our agreement "There can be no alcohol present around the children."

I am very worried because it is football season and that is the only reason why he is taking kids to Dave n' Buster so he can be at the bar watching the football game while they play. He and his brother (also an alcoholic) are suppose to be going. I am freaking out because I know what his intentions are but the problem is that our divorce isnt final yet and the stipulations arent effective. My obvious worries are that he and his brother both drink while there. Then are suppose drive 60 miles back home with my sons. God Forbid an accident occurs. I normally dont say anything to him about where he takes them unless I foresee a safety concern. So I texted him this "The boys mentioned that you plan on taking them to Dave n' Busters tomorrow. As part of our agreement the boys can't be present around alcohol." He hasnt responded. I now there isnt much that I can do since the stipulations arent signed by judge yet. But does anyone have a positive feedback on what else I can do?


He has until next week to sign the divorce papers if he doesnt then they will be forwarded to court without his signature since we already agreed in court. I feel helpless. I want to protect my kids. Ive known him and his brother for 14 years and I know how they both get while under the influence espeically in a bar type of atomsphere.

Sasha1972

I sympathize with your dilemma. In the absence of a court order, you can't prevent your ex from taking the kids to this place. Depending on how old the kids are, could you set up a check-in - tell ex that you are concerned because of the place and that you will be calling at [whatever time] to ensure that things are okay? You could call the kids if they're old enough, or call your ex (oh joy) if the kids are young.

Mango212

Is no alcohol present a part of your current agreement?

Pray. Follow. Seems like an old issue coming up in a new way. If kids are at his house, uncle is there and drinking, this provision is being ignored on a regular basis.

Maybe it's time to get open for more options. This is one of things the domestic violence help centers were able to help me, with being a sounding board with good questions and different views.

For tomorrow, perhaps a simple non-emotional text reminder of the rules is enough. Then again, would it be okay for the boys to go and work this all out afterwards? Sucks, I know. Again, all I know is pray, follow, great things get worked out in illogical ways.

If he takes them there, would he be drinking alcohol?

That would change everything, in the way of mamabear protective instincts coming into play. Trust your gut. Get angry. Get calmed down. Let God guide your responses and actions and trust whatever you do will work out.

mamabear26

My DS11 is not going on visit tomorrow. However, my DS7 will be going. I don't think my ex will answer my call if I tried to call him (which I never do). I think I may just have to send my DS7 with a cell phone tomorrow. Thank you for the idea.

mamabear26

No I don't have any stipulations currently on my mediation agreement. Im just waiting for the divorce to be final so i can help better protect my children. My boys often come back telling me their uncle is drinking when they are there as early as 9am. I sent him a text today just to remind him on what we agreed upon. He hasnt responded so very soon he will be in violation of the court order which would then effect his custody and parenting time. After living with him for a decade I would see him on football Sundays start drinking at 10am and not stop until 9pm. The last time my DS7 was visiting on a Sunday. He said his dad kept pouring alot of "soda" in his cup while watching the football game. I can only assume based off his history that I have witnessed that he will drink if he takes them.

dandylion

mamabear…..I can tell you what I would do...if I were you....and, I know that I am not you...lol.
I would go, myself, to said bar/restaurant.....with a book to read, or crossword puzzle, or knitting (something to wile the time)…..and, If you see him take so much as a drop of alcohol....I would drive the kids home, myself....

Hawkeye13

I'm with dandy on this one

mamabear26

I have thought about that doing that. He tried to call me while I was at church I didn't answer. Then I look at my phone after I got out of church and he texted me "Don't text me...if you aren't willing to talk about kids...ok..."

This is exactly the reason why I don't communicate with him verbally. He becomes aggressive and hostile. I'm only willing to communicate with him via text regarding kids.

Ladybird579

I'd go to and watch what goes on and drive him home but if that's not an option not I'd wouldn't let him go. I'd tell your lawyer why on Monday and keep him home.

trailmix

What choice do you have? It seems like until you have that judge's signature you don't have a legal leg to stand on, from what you describe.

You have this agreement which is completely unenforceable at this point from what I understand.

So, unfortunately until you get those papers in your hand I guess you just have to "play nice" and be proactive (which you are!). You are doing well under the circumstances mamabear.

SmallButMighty

This is just a question. I never had to deal with this kind of thing because my kids were older when XAH and I split.

My question is, if there is no actual legally enforceable order in place... do you even have to let the kids go with him at all?

mamabear26

Update:

I didn't let kids go with him. After trying to reason with him this through text. Explaining to him that I have concerns about kids being in a sports bar type of environment while they are with him. And that is why rules are set in place to protect them.

He texted me saying "they won't go then".

I texted him that DS7 needs to call me every hour while he is with him and if I didn't hear from him then I would go and pick him up. He agreed to it. So as I am putting DS7 in his car (my mother is standing behind me) he turns and says "We are still going out of town but to a different place" then I said "They can't be around alcohol and I need to know where he is going." He didn't went to tell me where so I told DS7 to get off of the car and brought him back inside. STBAXH left.

I had a feeling he was going to do that. Wait until he was able to get me in person to talk to me so nothing he said was documented.

He looked a bit hung over today. I can tell from his texts from last night he was drunk. The sentences didn't make sense. I am worried about my decision but I have a documented conversation of me trying to compromise about my safety concerns. I have never done this before, withheld a visit but I feel in my gut it was the right decision.

We are currently going off of an old mediation agreement where there is no stipulations. I have documented conversations, my mom as a witness and our family notes stating that he admits to alcohol abuse.

Mango212

I feel in my gut it was the right decision.

Mango212

How's your stress level now?

Trust in your gut. Trust your instincts. You're doing great.

mamabear26

My stress level is gone down. I cried it out. I feel horrible. I hated the way today went. I just don't understand why he doesn't try comply. I'm not saying that he couldn't take him anywhere but just as long there is no alcohol present.

mamabear26

Update: After talking to my mom, about 30 mins after STBAXH left. I texted him that DS7 can go with him but that he first needed to tell me where he was taking him and that I need to speak with DS7 every hour. I also told him that if I am given information that he was not honest about alcohol being present then moving forward I would ask for proof of no alcohol on the premise before I would release the boys. I sent this text around 10am. He never responded or tried to come back to pick up boys.

Mango212

(((hugs)))

The addiction takes priority. It's not personal. It's part of the disease.

Standing up for your children is beautiful. This wasn't something you did to hurt the alcoholic or your child. It was purely protective and the results showed it was needed.

Someone posted "when God takes someone out of your life, don't go running after them." I've had that urge, too, to try to smooth things over. It typically isn't needed. One day at a time.

mamabear26

Thank you Mango for your compassion. I appreciate you so much : )

Sasha1972

It sounds like you handled this really well. You gave him the option: kids or drinking - and he made his choice. It's a choice that really sucks, but it is his doing, not yours.

mamabear26

Thank you Sasha. It was a very stressful and emotionally draining day. I feel broken.