100 Days Sober - First Public Post
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 9
100 Days Sober - First Public Post
I have been sober for 100 days. I was a secret drinker, because I am problem drinker, and I knew it all along. I didn't drink to socialize, I drank to get drunk and forget the sadness in my life, and I found myself in a vicious trap and even more miserable than I was before. I seem to have built a life around buying alcohol, always making sure I had enough hidden vodka, getting it into the house, watching weather reports to make sure I had enough to ride out winter storms, or even a light dusting of snow, hiding empties, getting rid of empties on garbage pick up day. I lost myself, and even though I have been sober for 100 days, I still have not come close to the person I was before I went down this path. My only withdrawals were some sweating, weepy periods, and some heart palpitations, which I haven't had in over a week. I did not suffer from arrests, job loss or any serious health problems (I just had a physical). I had even stopped having serious hangovers, but I had a serious drinking problem, one I hid from my husband and family (to a certain extent). I drank 3-4 fifths of vodka a week and I had been doing this on and off for about 15 years. 15 LOST years. I started cutting myself off from friends and socializing. Now I barely see anyone outside of my husband of nearly 40 years. I did start having blackouts though and I so wanted out of this trap. I searched everywhere on the internet, including coming to this website many, many times. I read memoirs of those who had stopped and maintained their sobriety. How did I stop? Not through AA or even binge watching “Intervention” on YouTube or A&E. I did it with the help of God. I didn't like the concept of a “higher power”. I was raised in a strict Christian home, so I returned to the God of my upbringing. That doesn't mean I don't respect AA or other organizations that help people get and maintain sobriety, because I do, I *really* do. I don't even attend church, but I pray to God every minute of the day and thank Him for every minute I am sober, well aware I could easily go back to the darkness. I know right now there are others like me reading this website wanting the same thing I so desperately want too. I have set goals for myself, 1 week, 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, 90 days, and now 100 days. My next goal is 101 days. Thank you everyone for reading this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Congratulations! I can relate to your story. I always made sure I had vodka and I had my hiding places. I would wait until my husband went out of town and load them up and dispose of them at car washes or gas stations. It was a miserable existence. Glad you found your way out of it!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Welcome!
I remember how exhausting it was to plan to have enough alcohol, to get rid of the empties, plan when I could next drink - it was exhausting, and like you, I lost myself completely.
I'm glad you have decided to stop drinking and you've reached 100 days. Having goals is a great idea, too.
I remember how exhausting it was to plan to have enough alcohol, to get rid of the empties, plan when I could next drink - it was exhausting, and like you, I lost myself completely.
I'm glad you have decided to stop drinking and you've reached 100 days. Having goals is a great idea, too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 504
Oh the clanking of the bottles in the trash bag! If I had more than one bag of trash, I would try to make them both with equal amounts of bottles and be sure to buffer them so there wouldn't be any of that clanking. I've also dumped bottles and the market just before entering to just go in and buy another. Then I would do the 'fill the water bottle with vodka' thing. It's quit maddening. Congrats on your 100 days!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Sober,
I am religious but also analytical.
To me...there is no mystery...no steps...no miracle...other than God's grace.
Addiction is science. We addicts have permanently damaged our brains. We will crave for life.
Those of us that have drank long and hard enough have been kindled to the extent that the next relapse could cause us to fully go insane....institutionally.
Us type of drunks can't buy off on the fun of it all...the parties...the celebrations... etc.
We are humble tea totallers.
That is fine by me.
It took a long time to feel this good. I have never felt this good in my life.
I pray I never forget the hell I have endured to get here.
Sr saved my life.
Thanks.
I am religious but also analytical.
To me...there is no mystery...no steps...no miracle...other than God's grace.
Addiction is science. We addicts have permanently damaged our brains. We will crave for life.
Those of us that have drank long and hard enough have been kindled to the extent that the next relapse could cause us to fully go insane....institutionally.
Us type of drunks can't buy off on the fun of it all...the parties...the celebrations... etc.
We are humble tea totallers.
That is fine by me.
It took a long time to feel this good. I have never felt this good in my life.
I pray I never forget the hell I have endured to get here.
Sr saved my life.
Thanks.
Congrats! 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,597
What a great post, and congrats on 100 days. So much of what you wrote was similar to my experience...the secret drinking, the massive amounts of empties, the strategies to make sure that there was always booze at hand. It was a terrible, pathetic existence.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Beautiful post. I too, like many here, was a hidden drinker. Of course, my hiding would spill into the rest of my life. Much like your post I feel and lost many years to the alcohol. But the hope that you express in your post is palpable as well. Good for you for finally putting it down. Please check in again and let us know your plan and how it's going.
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