XAH is spiraling
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
XAH is spiraling
I wrote a similarly titled note over a year ago. I thought AH was spiraling then but now it seems much worse. He was involved in a very scary accident the other day. Alcohol not proven a factor at this time, pending blood work, but man was it a f*cked up series of events and really bad decisions that could have very scarily gone a very different direction. He is ok for now.
Typically after a big drinking event he would experience remorse, regret, depression. There appear to be none of that this time. Just anger directed towards me. He has yet to even discuss this accident with me, claiming it is none of my business despite sharing kid custody.
He seems to have his new GF stroking his ego and enabling his effed up thought processes to minimize this event as much as possible. Where I used to still be able to have heart to hearts with him, there is none of that now. He won’t even talk to me.
I didn’t give the kids back without his family agreeing to supervise. Here are some of his thoughts on the matter:
“I was forced to endure a situation that was somewhat less than pleasant. The driving force for my continued determination to make it to another day was knowing that i needed to be there for my children and knowing that I'd have a chance to share another day with them. Your selfish actions in this case are not shielding or protecting them, but a calculated move on your part to cause as much distress to me as you are able to.”
“i went out in my own free time and was involved in a horrible accident. That is absolutely not a choice I would have made if it were my time with the boys, and has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with my parenting time with them either. What I choose to do on my own free time is quite frankly none of your concern and has no bearing or impact on me as a father.”
I’ve already filed for a change of custody and am working with my lawyer.
How should I be handling this man?? It’s so hard to watch him in such a bad place.
Typically after a big drinking event he would experience remorse, regret, depression. There appear to be none of that this time. Just anger directed towards me. He has yet to even discuss this accident with me, claiming it is none of my business despite sharing kid custody.
He seems to have his new GF stroking his ego and enabling his effed up thought processes to minimize this event as much as possible. Where I used to still be able to have heart to hearts with him, there is none of that now. He won’t even talk to me.
I didn’t give the kids back without his family agreeing to supervise. Here are some of his thoughts on the matter:
“I was forced to endure a situation that was somewhat less than pleasant. The driving force for my continued determination to make it to another day was knowing that i needed to be there for my children and knowing that I'd have a chance to share another day with them. Your selfish actions in this case are not shielding or protecting them, but a calculated move on your part to cause as much distress to me as you are able to.”
“i went out in my own free time and was involved in a horrible accident. That is absolutely not a choice I would have made if it were my time with the boys, and has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with my parenting time with them either. What I choose to do on my own free time is quite frankly none of your concern and has no bearing or impact on me as a father.”
I’ve already filed for a change of custody and am working with my lawyer.
How should I be handling this man?? It’s so hard to watch him in such a bad place.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Batchel!
I'm sorry he's so angry, but that has been his way for a while now it seems, is that right?
He does state one thing accurately. What he does on his own time is not your business now.
That said, this accident is significant, and I'm happy that the children were not with him. It will be interesting to see what the results of his blood alcohol test reveal. That your attorney will be able to use in your change of custody case.
I'm sorry he's so angry, but that has been his way for a while now it seems, is that right?
He does state one thing accurately. What he does on his own time is not your business now.
That said, this accident is significant, and I'm happy that the children were not with him. It will be interesting to see what the results of his blood alcohol test reveal. That your attorney will be able to use in your change of custody case.
Last edited by Seren; 09-10-2018 at 02:52 AM. Reason: Can't spell today :)
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Batchel, He is a mess. I will tell you this... Once you start down the road of custody and or taking more away from him, GO FULL SPEED AHEAD. I know when I did it, I did not stop. I did not waver. I passed GO!
I find it hard to believe that his choices when the kids are not there, don't affect them when they are. I feel like this has a ripple affect on the kids and they are going to start to feel it. My granddaughter's father is a heroin addict. He says he wasn't using around her but it's ok for him to maintain without getting sick in another room of the house? I don't think so because she is there with you while you are using. I think your best option is to seek 100% custody of the children, get court ordered mandatory supervised visits that he needs to set up and possibly a breathalyzer on the day of visits and go from there. If he blows positive, visit is terminated before it even starts.
I don't know how your courts work in your state but in my state and county, I was very pleased to see how they are working through this heroin epidemic while still trying to keep families intact.
I find it hard to believe that his choices when the kids are not there, don't affect them when they are. I feel like this has a ripple affect on the kids and they are going to start to feel it. My granddaughter's father is a heroin addict. He says he wasn't using around her but it's ok for him to maintain without getting sick in another room of the house? I don't think so because she is there with you while you are using. I think your best option is to seek 100% custody of the children, get court ordered mandatory supervised visits that he needs to set up and possibly a breathalyzer on the day of visits and go from there. If he blows positive, visit is terminated before it even starts.
I don't know how your courts work in your state but in my state and county, I was very pleased to see how they are working through this heroin epidemic while still trying to keep families intact.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
How should I be handling this man?
You can’t . Stay the course , and allow your attorney to handle this matter.
The heart to heart conversations the two of you used to share , well, currently that is not an available option. He is not being honest with himself, so to think he will come clean with you, is a far stretch. He refuses to accept responsibility for his actions, and continues to lie in attempt to have his cake and eat it too.
As you stated, the new gf is his current enabler. Your listening ear is currently not needed. The good news, you can concentrate on building a healthy new life for you and your kids.
There is zero benefit for him to admit his wrong doing and accept responsibility, and since we know how very selfish, selfish , selfish active alcoholics are, all you can do is continue to make decisions based on FACTS.
Keep taking care of you, you kids need one sane parent.
You can’t . Stay the course , and allow your attorney to handle this matter.
The heart to heart conversations the two of you used to share , well, currently that is not an available option. He is not being honest with himself, so to think he will come clean with you, is a far stretch. He refuses to accept responsibility for his actions, and continues to lie in attempt to have his cake and eat it too.
As you stated, the new gf is his current enabler. Your listening ear is currently not needed. The good news, you can concentrate on building a healthy new life for you and your kids.
There is zero benefit for him to admit his wrong doing and accept responsibility, and since we know how very selfish, selfish , selfish active alcoholics are, all you can do is continue to make decisions based on FACTS.
Keep taking care of you, you kids need one sane parent.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I know when my XAH became involved with someone else (his now wife), his attitude changed 100%. He became much more abrasive and aggressive to say the least. That being said, it was to be expected in my mind. That is what an addict is always looking for, an enabler.
Turn this over to your attorney (make sure your attorney understands addiction), and do what you can to protect your kids. That's all you can do.
Big hugs.
Turn this over to your attorney (make sure your attorney understands addiction), and do what you can to protect your kids. That's all you can do.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What atalose just said!
I had to basically stop speaking to my XAH all together. I only speak to him via text (documentation). And I have made it clear, if he is going to speak about anything other than constructive communication about our children, I will not deal with him at all. I just don't respond. It works. It took a while, but it is working.
I had to basically stop speaking to my XAH all together. I only speak to him via text (documentation). And I have made it clear, if he is going to speak about anything other than constructive communication about our children, I will not deal with him at all. I just don't respond. It works. It took a while, but it is working.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I don't know if your XAH's responses are anything like the responses my AXH gave/gives, but when he refused to discuss an accident with me, it was precisely because alcohol was a factor. I'm glad that it sounds like getting the results from blood work will be an option for your attorney.
IMO, his statement sounds like he's trying to guilt you into thinking your actions are making him consider suicide. And that's just pure manure. Don't take his lashing out to heart. You aren't doing *this* to cause him distress. You're looking at the whole parenting situation with your children's best interests at heart. He is looking at it with his own desires being more important.
Keep on putting your kids first. Hopefully your attorney understands addictions and will listen when you explain why the custody changes are important for their safety and emotional-well being.
The driving force for my continued determination to make it to another day was knowing that i needed to be there for my children and knowing that I'd have a chance to share another day with them.
Keep on putting your kids first. Hopefully your attorney understands addictions and will listen when you explain why the custody changes are important for their safety and emotional-well being.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Same thing happened to me. My X and I use to be able to have heart to heart convos. That all went away once I called him out trying to play both fields with me and this new woman he has been seeing. He is now very aggressive and rude to me. I had to stop all verbal communication with him. It has helped me so much. Everything through text for documentation.
Do what you need to do to protect your kids. He is obviously not in his right mind. Ignore the quacking.
Do what you need to do to protect your kids. He is obviously not in his right mind. Ignore the quacking.
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