Dear diary
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
Dear diary
I am sad today. I am struggling to let go of the anger towards the situation. Anger that I fight every single day to let go. I fight every single day to forget. I fight every single day to detach with love from a person I gave my heart to. I fight every single day to understand why someone I loved , wants to hurt me. I fight every single day to understand why he hated me and still wanted to marry me . I sit every night in my patio and stare out at the world and try to make sense of it all. The meaning of emotions. The essence of pain. The stabbing feeling I feel knowing that I loved a shadow . The sadness of ending a marriage . The pain of broken vows. The heartache of a broken dream. Someday maybe it will all make sense ... but then maybe that day will never arrive.
Love
Someone who prays very hard for this grief to end
Love
Someone who prays very hard for this grief to end
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
When we look at our obsession with the why's, the alcoholic and our losses, it can mimic that of the obsession alcoholics have for alcohol. There is relief and healing possible.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...life-free.html (The best things in life are free.)
What kind of plan do you have for recovery? What support do you have?
Grieving is on it's own timetable. Anger is often a part of grieving, or it could be something else. Once I started learning more about grieving and the importance of it, I stopped fighting it and learned new ways to move through it. Keep in mind the possibility of using prescription meds to help you through this. Speak up about what's going on inside when talking to doctors and therapists. You aren't alone. Many have been right there and made it through. ((((hugs))))
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...life-free.html (The best things in life are free.)
What kind of plan do you have for recovery? What support do you have?
Grieving is on it's own timetable. Anger is often a part of grieving, or it could be something else. Once I started learning more about grieving and the importance of it, I stopped fighting it and learned new ways to move through it. Keep in mind the possibility of using prescription meds to help you through this. Speak up about what's going on inside when talking to doctors and therapists. You aren't alone. Many have been right there and made it through. ((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Raindrops, I cried reading your post, I feel your pain here...
There is a wonderful book called 'The Women who run with the Wolves'...I started reading it a couple of years ago and found it so healing... It's a soul searching book that centers around the psyche of the female and how every resource we need is always inside us. Our inner 'wild woman'... I didn't read it all the way to the end because I started feeling strong and happy and so I put it aside... And then some months later I got into the most challenging relationship of my life, and now I'm experiencing this current heartbreak and learning all this new wisdom again... I think l'll start the book over and complete it this time.
Keep writing here raindrop, sending much love.
There is a wonderful book called 'The Women who run with the Wolves'...I started reading it a couple of years ago and found it so healing... It's a soul searching book that centers around the psyche of the female and how every resource we need is always inside us. Our inner 'wild woman'... I didn't read it all the way to the end because I started feeling strong and happy and so I put it aside... And then some months later I got into the most challenging relationship of my life, and now I'm experiencing this current heartbreak and learning all this new wisdom again... I think l'll start the book over and complete it this time.
Keep writing here raindrop, sending much love.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I remember that pain all too well, and I am sorry you are in the middle of it.
When I stopped fighting so hard to understand, and instead directed my energies towards accepting that it was what it was whether I understood it or not, I started to climb out of that well of pain. I started to be able to make choices that centered around what I needed and wanted and to look ahead instead of over my shoulder all the time.
When I stopped fighting so hard to understand, and instead directed my energies towards accepting that it was what it was whether I understood it or not, I started to climb out of that well of pain. I started to be able to make choices that centered around what I needed and wanted and to look ahead instead of over my shoulder all the time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Rd,
I agree with Sparklekitty, it is what it is. My 80 year old Dad always wanted to know why the computer locked up or why he couldn't figure something out and we re-booted and it worked. He needed that explanation.... sometimes there is no explanation of addiction, its just happens.
All of us on this forum are blessed having these feelings. We need to accept these feeling, own them and work through them. Its hard and it sucks!! I walked a way from a relationship of 34 years together. It was excruciating at times but I survived it and in time you will too.
Be kind to yourself, acceptance is the only way!!
I agree with Sparklekitty, it is what it is. My 80 year old Dad always wanted to know why the computer locked up or why he couldn't figure something out and we re-booted and it worked. He needed that explanation.... sometimes there is no explanation of addiction, its just happens.
All of us on this forum are blessed having these feelings. We need to accept these feeling, own them and work through them. Its hard and it sucks!! I walked a way from a relationship of 34 years together. It was excruciating at times but I survived it and in time you will too.
Be kind to yourself, acceptance is the only way!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
That's a lot of fighting, who are you fighting?
Sounds like you are fighting yourself. You actually hold the answers to all your questions, it's accepting the answers that might be hard for your for some reason?
There is no use fighting to forget, it's just not possible at this point. Forgetting is when we let go, you haven't let go (not a criticism, you just aren't there yet). So, fighting to forget is a waste of energy, it will happen naturally.
Detach with love? Have you detached yet with indifference or anger? Detaching with love might be something that comes along a little later, expecting to do that right now seems a bit premature.
People who can't love, can't accept love. Your intentions were honorable but people who don't love are not accepting your love. You were giving to someone who could not really receive it, maybe bits and pieces - not your "fault", just the way it appears to be. You are trying to apply logic to that which is illogical to you.
Unless you are a psychologist or psychiatrist, this one might be hard to wrap your head around. I don't know that he hated you but he is obviously not rational in the sense that we understand it.
He has problems, mental illness problems, now you could spend months or years researching and try to make some kind of diagnosis, which actually would be more helpful than trying to figure it out on your own. Again, you can't apply logic here. Mental illness is not logical.
Acceptance that you don't understand or start researching. Hoping to figure all this out on your own is not a fight worth fighting.
Sounds like you are fighting yourself. You actually hold the answers to all your questions, it's accepting the answers that might be hard for your for some reason?
There is no use fighting to forget, it's just not possible at this point. Forgetting is when we let go, you haven't let go (not a criticism, you just aren't there yet). So, fighting to forget is a waste of energy, it will happen naturally.
Detach with love? Have you detached yet with indifference or anger? Detaching with love might be something that comes along a little later, expecting to do that right now seems a bit premature.
I fight every single day to understand why someone I loved , wants to hurt me.
I fight every single day to understand why he hated me and still wanted to marry me .
He has problems, mental illness problems, now you could spend months or years researching and try to make some kind of diagnosis, which actually would be more helpful than trying to figure it out on your own. Again, you can't apply logic here. Mental illness is not logical.
Acceptance that you don't understand or start researching. Hoping to figure all this out on your own is not a fight worth fighting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by trailmix 
That's a lot of fighting, who are you fighting?
Sounds like you are fighting yourself. You actually hold the answers to all your questions, it's accepting the answers that might be hard for your for some reason?
There is no use fighting to forget, it's just not possible at this point. Forgetting is when we let go, you haven't let go (not a criticism, you just aren't there yet). So, fighting to forget is a waste of energy, it will happen naturally.
Detach with love? Have you detached yet with indifference or anger? Detaching with love might be something that comes along a little later, expecting to do that right now seems a bit premature.
People who can't love, can't accept love. Your intentions were honorable but people who don't love are not accepting your love. You were giving to someone who could not really receive it, maybe bits and pieces - not your "fault", just the way it appears to be. You are trying to apply logic to that which is illogical to you.
Unless you are a psychologist or psychiatrist, this one might be hard to wrap your head around. I don't know that he hated you but he is obviously not rational in the sense that we understand it.
He has problems, mental illness problems, now you could spend months or years researching and try to make some kind of diagnosis, which actually would be more helpful than trying to figure it out on your own. Again, you can't apply logic here. Mental illness is not logical.
Acceptance that you don't understand or start researching. Hoping to figure all this out on your own is not a fight worth fighting.
Sounds like you are fighting yourself. You actually hold the answers to all your questions, it's accepting the answers that might be hard for your for some reason?
There is no use fighting to forget, it's just not possible at this point. Forgetting is when we let go, you haven't let go (not a criticism, you just aren't there yet). So, fighting to forget is a waste of energy, it will happen naturally.
Detach with love? Have you detached yet with indifference or anger? Detaching with love might be something that comes along a little later, expecting to do that right now seems a bit premature.
People who can't love, can't accept love. Your intentions were honorable but people who don't love are not accepting your love. You were giving to someone who could not really receive it, maybe bits and pieces - not your "fault", just the way it appears to be. You are trying to apply logic to that which is illogical to you.
Unless you are a psychologist or psychiatrist, this one might be hard to wrap your head around. I don't know that he hated you but he is obviously not rational in the sense that we understand it.
He has problems, mental illness problems, now you could spend months or years researching and try to make some kind of diagnosis, which actually would be more helpful than trying to figure it out on your own. Again, you can't apply logic here. Mental illness is not logical.
Acceptance that you don't understand or start researching. Hoping to figure all this out on your own is not a fight worth fighting.
raindrops you are in mourning right now. It will last as long as it lasts embrace this time as well, there are gifts in the pain. You may never find a meaning or a reason and honestly even if there were a reason it would never be enough to justify what you have been through. On the other side of grief is acceptance and you are almost there. Grieving is forward movement you are doing great.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Raindrops, grief is like a dark, stinky, sad tunnel you have to walk though. The further you walk through the tunnel, you closer you get to seeing the light at the end. You can't go backwards, because there's a forest fire on the other side. You will get through this.
Grief is very individual. Grief has no timeline.
I was where you are a while back. I am almost out now. It took me a few months to get to the point where I detached with anger (believe me, I was VERY angry). I am slowly moving on to indifference (thank you trailmix, for that suggestion). I have not yet and may never detach with "love". I don't feel compelled to give him any more love, not even imaginary love in my imagination. Maybe I am still angry. I think anger is underrated. It can protect you if you let it.
How about detaching with (self) love? Detach because you need to love yourself.
I still have moments though. 99% of the time now, I don't regret leaving my ex and I think my life is better now, I am happier now. I only regret having lost all the years of my life to him. The other 1% of the time, I wish I could magically travel back to where I met him, and then when he asked me on a date, I would have told him that I was going to wash my hair that night and would be too busy to go out.
I only regret the loss of time in the past. If that is what you have to look forward to, I can tell you, it's not as bad as knowing your time is being wasted now. Your time is not being wasted now. You have to grieve. You must be kind to yourself. You are worth it.
Grief is very individual. Grief has no timeline.
I was where you are a while back. I am almost out now. It took me a few months to get to the point where I detached with anger (believe me, I was VERY angry). I am slowly moving on to indifference (thank you trailmix, for that suggestion). I have not yet and may never detach with "love". I don't feel compelled to give him any more love, not even imaginary love in my imagination. Maybe I am still angry. I think anger is underrated. It can protect you if you let it.
How about detaching with (self) love? Detach because you need to love yourself.
I still have moments though. 99% of the time now, I don't regret leaving my ex and I think my life is better now, I am happier now. I only regret having lost all the years of my life to him. The other 1% of the time, I wish I could magically travel back to where I met him, and then when he asked me on a date, I would have told him that I was going to wash my hair that night and would be too busy to go out.
I only regret the loss of time in the past. If that is what you have to look forward to, I can tell you, it's not as bad as knowing your time is being wasted now. Your time is not being wasted now. You have to grieve. You must be kind to yourself. You are worth it.
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