Shredder22

I havnt posted as I have been ashamed. The guy that helped me move has always had a thing for me. I only had 40 dollars to pay him and felt bad I slept with him. I thought since mothers day I have not seen the drunk I'm sure he has been humping around especially since others pointed out on here I'm a stalker and he wants nothing to do w me. I agree 110% I'm not upset I thought doing that would free my mind of the drunk it didn't. It went down Friday after a shower and yes I did protect myself I have been hypersomnia. Popping benadryl to sleep it away.

I did call new guy/ prior neighbor/ mover and was like I wasn't ready. He was really nice and said I can call him anytime we don't ever have to go down that path again. Since May we have been friends and I have cried so many times in front of him. He would come over help me clean, run errands, go to gym, and get me out of bed. It's my fault I insinuated it.

I don't want a relationship but I liked our friendship. I'm back at work this can't take me down. I can't be my own worst enemy. He even said block me, or change your number or I don't bother you if this is causing you so much pain. I'm not a bimbo I slipped up.
When I'm hypersomnia I send out vicious texts I hit the new guy with some mean stuff. My emotions are everywhere. I missed church today, gym, etc. Have to get it together.
Strong urge to break NC which I will not. I refuse to lose my power and dignity again. No peeking at social media, no nothing. The show must go on. I feel this could set me back to Florida. Only if I let it.

Last time was mothers day w drunk so I figured half of may, all of June, July, Aug, and almost half of September why not. The drunk doesn't want me and I certainly don't want to stalk him.

PLEASE if my post is bimbo like or you show tough love hit ignore. I understand tough love it has never worked on me since a child by my 2nd grade principal. I was honor roll, won spelling bees etc, and one day she scolded a child in front of my classmates. That child was me. I looked up to my principal always smiled at her. She was my hero. When she came in the classroom I smiled she said
Verbatim: wipe that smirk off your face.

I told her I respected her and was happy to see her. She yelled at me for over an hour in front of everyone. I cried and buried my head. 2 teachers called my mom immediately and told her your daughter was bullied. I left that school.

My sister drank draino when I was 7 and ended her life. My own family told a 7 year old the whole story. How can a 7 year old understand that.

I have trauma I'm looking for empathy if you have a good heart please respond. I want to keep my friends here. There's some background on me as why thing's hurt more than most and I'm very sensitive.
If you read this. Ty and blessings
Shredder

Glenjo99

Best way to get rid of shame is to shine some light on it, talk about it and it starts to disappear. It's a horrible thing shame, and keeps us feeling down, isolated and codependent. I would say you sound very human, show yourself some compassion, no one is perfect and we all do stuff that we regret and we will do it again. Just keep on keeping on, shine some light on that shame!!

hopeful4

Everyone makes mistakes. Don't let it rule your life. Take the steps you had planned to take to get your life together. Chalk this up to a mistake made and move on with your life.

Atlast9999

Shredder,

I don’t read your post as you being a bimbo or anything shameful. I read it as a conflicted woman who is in pain right now.

I don’t see any reason for you to feel ashamed. Please treat yourself with kindness and be gentle to yourself. You deserve it.

FireSprite

Shredder, you are obviously hurting & in need of some intense healing. Glenjo was exactly right about shame though - the only way to work through it is to shine a light directly at it.

Posting on an open forum like this certainly opens you up for differing opinions but instead of saying this:

Just ignore those posters that offend you on YOUR side. Truth is that you cannot control the members or their responses to you & your version of tough love may be far different than someone else's. Take control on your side.

With all due respect I'm also going to suggest that some of the things you are struggling with go beyond the scope of what most members here at SR are capable of helping with. Please keep that in mind when you read your responses, ok? We're doing Our Best on daily basis too, ok?

Are you still seeing an individual therapist? Are you scheduled soon? This feels like one of those things you really need to bring up during those sessions.

Shredder22

My appt is Wednesday. I do agree with you that some of my trauma has nothing to do with the drunk but maybe it does as it set the trend for low self esteem, confidence, and low self worth causing me to become a code and date negative people. Just a thought. I'm heading to the gym. Ty for your response.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs if OK, Shredder. I certainly do not read bimbo in your post. I'm so sorry about that the principal treated you that way and for your sister's death and the weight your family placed on your shoulders at such a young age. Please take gentle care of yourself.

For NC with the ex, I found it helped me most to think of it in shorter increments. The idea of no contact EVER was impossible, but I could deal with not responding or reaching out to him for the next couple minutes, and then the next 5... 10... 15 minutes.