Atlast9999

I’ve posted before about my husband and his alcoholic drinking. I’ve read often on the friends and family forum and am trying to follow some of the advice I’ve read there: disengage, not be codependent, not enable, etc.

Friday- hubby needed to “relax” and got drunk, alone, in the garage before pulling me into the garage for a “talk” - aka his rant about how my sobriety is ruining his life and he’s bored and we have no time together, blah, blah, blah.

Saturday morning- hubby and I plan our day. Work together on our huge community events we are committed to and watch a movie in the evening.

Saturday: Noon. Hubby starts drinking. I try to put a movie on for the kids - get accused of sabotaging our movie time. Hubby calls drinking buddies who all come over at 2 and stay all.night.long. Our friends were commenting about how over the top he was. I got yelled at for “not being social” when I went inside to feed the kids. Yelled at when he was fighting with my 11 year old for no reason (I intervened on that one). And yelled at when I put myself, and kids, in our rooms at 8:30 to relax and watch movies.

I did not engage with him at all on Saturday.

This morning, I expressed how I felt and how he ruined our day. I have now spent four hours prepping our event - because it is due and has to get done. His response was a typical alcoholic response: it’s all my fault, he needed to blow off steam, it’s not his fault the friends stayed late, we have plenty of time to prep today after he finished his plans (we don’t), and it’s doubly my fault because his life is too boring now that i don’t drink...

I told him he can do whatever he wants but that I’m not attending his parties, not waiting to co-plan with him around his drinking events, and not accepting my sobriety as his excuse.

I’m just so frustrated. I can see the road we are headed down and it’s not pretty...in fact I’m sure it will be very bumpy.

Thanks for reading this. Anyone have any sage advice?

AnvilheadII

I told him he can do whatever he wants but that I’m not attending his parties, not waiting to co-plan with him around his drinking events, and not accepting my sobriety as his excuse.

this ^^^^! exactly this. leave him to it. by not planning with him, you will have no expectations that will be met with disappointment and frustration.

it won't fix everything, but it will make it easier to live around him. and start to figure out what to do next.

DarklingSong

I think you handled all of it superbly. I definitely would draw the line at the verbal abuse.

Gabe1980

I think you handled this really well too. Hats off to you, because that is a really difficult situation to be in. All you can do is set your own boundaries and don't let his drinking undermine where you are and what you want to achieve.

I get where you are coming from. My husband is a serious binge drinker and we don't do anything together because I won't drink with him and he won't drink less to make time for me. I do feel boring sometimes, but I know what he is doing is not fun. Love to you xx

Atlast9999

Thanks Gabe. Do you ever think that you two just won’t work out? I don’t know how long I can do this...

Atlast9999

Thanks Anvil and DarklingSong and Gabe,

I feel validated that I did the right thing. His alcoholism actually fuels my sobriety...I never want to be like him again!

Maudcat

Kudos, Atlast.
I know marriage, esp. with kids, is complicated and it isn’t always easy or possible to walk away.
That being said, I strongly recommend that anyone living with an alcohol addicted spouse devise an exit plan.
The plan may not take place tomorrow, next year or five years from now, but have a plan.

lessgravity

Like the others have commented, impressed by your sober and reasons Waze in dealing with what sounds like a very difficult situation. Good for you for using his selfish and alcoholic ways to motivate your sobriety. The sounds like a very different approach from the last time you posted. I'm impressed and I'm sending you good thoughts and strength. I hope that somehow he's able to see the error of his ways before he loses everything. But either way, you're taking care of yourself and, of course, your family. Nice work and thank you for posting.

Atlast9999

Thanks Maudcat. I’ve had a secret $ account for years so that’s the start of a plan. I’ve thought often of how I could leave, what it would look like. Perhaps time to develop those ideas into a more concrete plan. Thanks for the advice- I appreciate it.

Atlast9999

Thanks Less. I feel like I’m growing and changing everyday and reacting differently than before. Thanks for the good thoughts and strength - I can definitely use those!!

rayna87

My aunt went through a lot of similar things with my alcoholic uncle. He used to angrily say that my aunt would “see a beer can on the side of the road and assume it was his.” Which was his way of throwing the blame for anything and everything at her. And faulting her for eventually not trusting him. She went to a lot of al-anon meetings which helped her a lot. Thankfully my cousins were older than your kids, in their 20s when all this really hit the fan, but it still took a toll on everyone so I understand where you’re coming from. I would look into some al-anon or friends/family groups in your area. Like I said, it helped my aunt. She was able to explain a lot about my uncle to me because of it.