Early recovery for me and AXBF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Early recovery for me and AXBF
Hello
Have posted about my XABF and his recovery, dating etc. I have not dated anyone else. I’m trying to just be. My X continues to express his desire to get back together. We speak. I saw him at the gym today - he did it on purpose.
I struggle to not let him back in at all. It seems like we have something of a friendship.
He’s at about 45 days and halfway through a 90:90. I see now that he’s stuck on trying to get me to do what he wants. I told him that today and apologized - said he’s just expressing himself but didn’t intend for me to feel uncomfortable.
Anyway, I have read many of the articles and stickies. Above is the main flaw I see. I truly believe he’s working the program as much as he knows how and as honestly as possible. His sponsor is great as is his sponsors sponsor. So when things are going well in a program like this, what happens that trips people up? Things like not going to meetings, therapy, sponsor would be obvious now. What are the more subtle things? I’m worried about my own complacency and I’m holding on to some distance.
Thank you.
2kind
Have posted about my XABF and his recovery, dating etc. I have not dated anyone else. I’m trying to just be. My X continues to express his desire to get back together. We speak. I saw him at the gym today - he did it on purpose.
I struggle to not let him back in at all. It seems like we have something of a friendship.
He’s at about 45 days and halfway through a 90:90. I see now that he’s stuck on trying to get me to do what he wants. I told him that today and apologized - said he’s just expressing himself but didn’t intend for me to feel uncomfortable.
Anyway, I have read many of the articles and stickies. Above is the main flaw I see. I truly believe he’s working the program as much as he knows how and as honestly as possible. His sponsor is great as is his sponsors sponsor. So when things are going well in a program like this, what happens that trips people up? Things like not going to meetings, therapy, sponsor would be obvious now. What are the more subtle things? I’m worried about my own complacency and I’m holding on to some distance.
Thank you.
2kind
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i suggest you worry less about what may or may not happen in HIS recovery.
perhaps you need to put more space between you and your EX? he can only "get" to you when you let him....and it sounds like you are letting him.
he is nowhere and i mean NO WHERE near ready to be considered dating or relationship material. he's been at this a little more than a month. as it is he is allowing his focus to be distracted by chasing after you. do him and you a favor, tell him NO and then shut down contact.
perhaps you need to put more space between you and your EX? he can only "get" to you when you let him....and it sounds like you are letting him.
he is nowhere and i mean NO WHERE near ready to be considered dating or relationship material. he's been at this a little more than a month. as it is he is allowing his focus to be distracted by chasing after you. do him and you a favor, tell him NO and then shut down contact.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
I've read stories of recovery and in almost all cases the initial time of rehab or AA or basically - stopping drinking - are a complete mish-mash of emotions.
So he stopped drinking 45 days ago? That is a drop in the bucket.
People just starting recovery also talk about how they can't sleep, one minute they are in a rage, later on they are crying. How they now have feelings they are supposed to deal with and how do you do that without a drink?
Actually reading around the newcomers forum and the alcoholism forum might help you understand that point of view - as a caution for you, there is a reason you left, that pretty much hasn't changed at this point.
This is all very fresh for you and you are probably pretty vulnerable. Take care of yourself.
So he stopped drinking 45 days ago? That is a drop in the bucket.
People just starting recovery also talk about how they can't sleep, one minute they are in a rage, later on they are crying. How they now have feelings they are supposed to deal with and how do you do that without a drink?
Actually reading around the newcomers forum and the alcoholism forum might help you understand that point of view - as a caution for you, there is a reason you left, that pretty much hasn't changed at this point.
This is all very fresh for you and you are probably pretty vulnerable. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If you really want some perspective on this situation for yourself, then give yourself some actual space and distance from him for, say, three months. And by that I mean no contact at all. You may be surprised by the clarity you can achieve about what you really want when you are not mired and enmeshed in the very situation you are trying to understand.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
This is your relationship and many here will tell you to cut him off, go no contact but I suggest getting into your own recovery program like al-anon and learn more about the disease of alcoholism.
Go from there and proceed with caution when told what to do, only you and your higher power can work that out.
Blessings
Go from there and proceed with caution when told what to do, only you and your higher power can work that out.
Blessings
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