The toxic MIL (AHB mother)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 21
The toxic MIL (AHB mother)
Hi all ,
I am new to this journey and glad I have found this forum as one of the many resources/tools to use for my own codependent recovery.
Quick overview, was in a almost 6 year long relationship with my AHBF and have a child together. During the course of the 6 years I have dealt with emotional abuse, extreme manipulation/guilt, etc. So I am here to learn how to help MYSELF for once.
Anyway, my question here is HOW do you go about dealing with the toxic families of the alcoholic? You know, the ones who started the cycle with your significant other. Toxic, emotionally abusive, manipulative people who one day are nice and next day rip you to shreds?
Well throughout our relationship her son could do NO wrong. Everytime I reached out because he came home drunk, treating me bad, yelling in front of our child, she would always coddle and console him... I was the controlling one ….. 0.o
Fast forward to me leaving the relationship... Not once , ONCE did she reach out and ask how her grandchild (whom she loves so much) was doing and if she needed anything, let alone me. In fact, she stole from me, beraded me, and clung to her sons side and embraced his ****** behavior. All of them did.
Now that he and I are trying to reconcile... he is in rehab right now, she has sort of reached out... kind of... not in the way a normal person would, but in more of a "thank you for helping him" "I am not sure I am very comfortable with the facility he is at" , blah blah victim this victim that …
I am kind hearted by nature despite anything that has ever been done to me and I nthat way I disrespect myself by making sure others feel good even though they don't deserve it.
Tips / Advice / suggestions?
As per the advice of some members from my previous post I just purchased the Codependent No More book this afternoon =)
Thanks all xo
I am new to this journey and glad I have found this forum as one of the many resources/tools to use for my own codependent recovery.
Quick overview, was in a almost 6 year long relationship with my AHBF and have a child together. During the course of the 6 years I have dealt with emotional abuse, extreme manipulation/guilt, etc. So I am here to learn how to help MYSELF for once.
Anyway, my question here is HOW do you go about dealing with the toxic families of the alcoholic? You know, the ones who started the cycle with your significant other. Toxic, emotionally abusive, manipulative people who one day are nice and next day rip you to shreds?
Well throughout our relationship her son could do NO wrong. Everytime I reached out because he came home drunk, treating me bad, yelling in front of our child, she would always coddle and console him... I was the controlling one ….. 0.o
Fast forward to me leaving the relationship... Not once , ONCE did she reach out and ask how her grandchild (whom she loves so much) was doing and if she needed anything, let alone me. In fact, she stole from me, beraded me, and clung to her sons side and embraced his ****** behavior. All of them did.
Now that he and I are trying to reconcile... he is in rehab right now, she has sort of reached out... kind of... not in the way a normal person would, but in more of a "thank you for helping him" "I am not sure I am very comfortable with the facility he is at" , blah blah victim this victim that …
I am kind hearted by nature despite anything that has ever been done to me and I nthat way I disrespect myself by making sure others feel good even though they don't deserve it.
Tips / Advice / suggestions?
As per the advice of some members from my previous post I just purchased the Codependent No More book this afternoon =)
Thanks all xo
Last edited by gnc13; 08-16-2018 at 12:44 PM. Reason: alcoholic boyfriend*
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'd keep it simple. only respond when you feel there is a need or a need to know, but never because you feel pressured or obligated. you also get to control how you information, and how long you engage in a phone call.
while not taking her side, it is perfectly natural for a parent to side with their own child. it may be skewed by dysfunction, but it's what moms do. that she somehow sees you as the enemy is part of the dysfunctional loyalty.
meanwhile, are you sure this reconciliation with a "formerly" abusive active addict ex is in your best interests? if he is in rehab, he is just at the starting gate and has a long long way to go before you will see if he intends to maintain recovery, or just use as a ploy.
while not taking her side, it is perfectly natural for a parent to side with their own child. it may be skewed by dysfunction, but it's what moms do. that she somehow sees you as the enemy is part of the dysfunctional loyalty.
meanwhile, are you sure this reconciliation with a "formerly" abusive active addict ex is in your best interests? if he is in rehab, he is just at the starting gate and has a long long way to go before you will see if he intends to maintain recovery, or just use as a ploy.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, gnc.
Welcome to SR.
You will find lots of support here.
I guess that I would try to keep things as neutral as possible and not engage in anything that is going to turn into the bat to hit you with.
She says she isn’t sure about the facility he’s in, you say uh huh and proceed.
We don’t have to go to every fight to which we are invited.
It’s a tough one, I know.
But I have found the best way to deal with toxic or manipulative people, for me, is to become a bland, smiling wall.
It drives them crazy.
Peace.
Welcome to SR.
You will find lots of support here.
I guess that I would try to keep things as neutral as possible and not engage in anything that is going to turn into the bat to hit you with.
She says she isn’t sure about the facility he’s in, you say uh huh and proceed.
We don’t have to go to every fight to which we are invited.
It’s a tough one, I know.
But I have found the best way to deal with toxic or manipulative people, for me, is to become a bland, smiling wall.
It drives them crazy.
Peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gnc….Soooo.....in your other, current thread you said that you "can't go through this again"......and, here...you say that you are trying to reconcile with him.....
Have you really decided that you are staying with him....?
Have you really decided that you are staying with him....?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 21
Hey dandylion, sorry for being confusing, what I meant in the other thread was “ I can’t go through this again” waswhen I did get back together with him the behavior continued so that’s when the ultimatum came and he went to rehab.
We have been back together for over a month but the behavior was the same despite his promises (of course) now that he is in rehab I thought things would be easier as he would be working on himself but it’s proving to be just as difficult .
We have been back together for over a month but the behavior was the same despite his promises (of course) now that he is in rehab I thought things would be easier as he would be working on himself but it’s proving to be just as difficult .
Originally Posted by dandylion 
gnc….Soooo.....in your other, current thread you said that you "can't go through this again"......and, here...you say that you are trying to reconcile with him.....
Have you really decided that you are staying with him....?
Have you really decided that you are staying with him....?
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 61
Stay as far away from his mom as you can, for the mental and emotional safety and well being of you and your child. My mil is the same. Her poor son can do no wrong, nothing is ever his fault, he is not an alcoholic to her, he just has a tiny little drinking problem sometimes. He’s just perfect, she loves that he has a ****** job, she thinks it’s just great. She offers him the highest over the top praise for every trivial thing he does. She smothers her children, she manipulated her son into her emotional spouse and treats her daughter like an incompetent who was only created to give her more children, grandchildren, who she jumps in and takes control over four nights a week, sorry, got off on a tangent of my own here...
When one of my husbands cousins was going through a nasty divorce with his wife... the precious son who could also do no wrong, was addicted to pills. The wife wanted out, and unfortunately it got really nasty between them. The entire family, literally including aunts, uncles, extended cousins, etc. turned on her. At that point I realized in a family like this, the married in ones will always be outsiders. No matter how many family functions you attend or how passive and nice you are. You’ve already seen your mil not care about you. My advice is to distance yourself from her as much as you are able to. And especially protect your child from her so they do not grow up to think that her behavior is normal or okay. When you do have to interact, be civil up to a point, or that will be thrown back in your face every chance she gets.
One time when my husband was in the hospital, unrelated to booze, I called her, bawling, and she had nothing to say. Not even a hang in there or thank you for getting him to the hospital in time, or do you need anything, no support whatsoever.
Anyways... after how she acted that night, in addition to how they treated the ex cousin in law? (Who is now a good friend) I decided to distance myself. I’ve deleted myself from group texts that involve her, I hide most of my Facebook posts from her. When she calls I usually don’t answer as she just wants to talk about herself and her husbandson or how unfair her daughter is to her. End of ranting! Sorry.
Whole thing summed up in one sentence: distance yourself and your child from mil as much as you can!
When one of my husbands cousins was going through a nasty divorce with his wife... the precious son who could also do no wrong, was addicted to pills. The wife wanted out, and unfortunately it got really nasty between them. The entire family, literally including aunts, uncles, extended cousins, etc. turned on her. At that point I realized in a family like this, the married in ones will always be outsiders. No matter how many family functions you attend or how passive and nice you are. You’ve already seen your mil not care about you. My advice is to distance yourself from her as much as you are able to. And especially protect your child from her so they do not grow up to think that her behavior is normal or okay. When you do have to interact, be civil up to a point, or that will be thrown back in your face every chance she gets.
One time when my husband was in the hospital, unrelated to booze, I called her, bawling, and she had nothing to say. Not even a hang in there or thank you for getting him to the hospital in time, or do you need anything, no support whatsoever.
Anyways... after how she acted that night, in addition to how they treated the ex cousin in law? (Who is now a good friend) I decided to distance myself. I’ve deleted myself from group texts that involve her, I hide most of my Facebook posts from her. When she calls I usually don’t answer as she just wants to talk about herself and her husbandson or how unfair her daughter is to her. End of ranting! Sorry.
Whole thing summed up in one sentence: distance yourself and your child from mil as much as you can!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
I have experience in dealing with enabling in-laws. My XMIL is similar to what you described in your MIL. I have learned that no matter how much I try to get her and the rest of his immediate family to see his drinking problem and to help. I find that I just waste precious time and energy in doing something positive for myself and my kids.
I've gave up on having contact with any of them. Fast forward to we are going through a divorce and I now have no contact with anyone in his immediate family/household (he lives with his mom). I want to stop being an enabler while they would like to continue so there is no sense is compromising or dealing with them any longer. At the end of the day, the only relationship/communication that's important to have is between you and your BF because of your child. There is no need to have direct communication with his family especially if they will not support him being sober. I hope things get better for you ((Hugs))
I've gave up on having contact with any of them. Fast forward to we are going through a divorce and I now have no contact with anyone in his immediate family/household (he lives with his mom). I want to stop being an enabler while they would like to continue so there is no sense is compromising or dealing with them any longer. At the end of the day, the only relationship/communication that's important to have is between you and your BF because of your child. There is no need to have direct communication with his family especially if they will not support him being sober. I hope things get better for you ((Hugs))
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