New co-dependent
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 21
New co-dependent
Hi all, ( pretty long story, so if you stick with it, thank you so much)
Quick backstory; my alcoholic bf and I have been together almost 6 years and have a child together. Alcohol ruled our life for the duration of our relationship. He was always drinking and when he wasn't he was mean. Emotionally and mentally abusive. It took much strength to leave, but I did and worked on myself. That was over 9 months ago.
Fast forward to one month ago, after family court, after all the BS. he came back crying with the same promises as before; he loves us so much and doesn't want to be without his family. I am a believe of love and still love him. So we got back together. It moved at his pace as he wanted us together all the time again, etc. whereas I wanted to move slowly just to see where each other were and sort of start over.
The drinking was not gone, and the same behavior was still present, so the emotional whirlwind happened again. Emotions such as guilt, sadness, anger and disappointment.
I told him it was either rehab or I can't do this anymore. He has now been there for 12 days. There was a lot of apprehension on his end, he felt forced, etc. But since then he has sounded calmer, more at ease and more willing to change.
This is where it gets difficult, again, he asks me things that trigger my emotions ; can I leave after 3 weeks ? It's just repetitive and Im not learning anything new at this point, I can leave and work on things with you and be okay. I miss my family, I have so much to do at home, this place is a business, they care about money so of course they don't want me to leave early... and things like " when you come to visit can you bring my cell phone inside so I can text you and stuff at night and you can send pictures of the baby. When I say "no" he says " I didn't think it was a big deal to ask you to bring my phone in , but okay"
Guilt and manipulation, HOW DO YOU RESPOND?! And if he wants to leave early, HOW do you be supportive and loving without being enabling?! Does he come back and live with me, what does that all look like?
It's so overwhelming I just don't know where to turn. I have been going to Alanon for 2 weeks, also, so I am so new
Thank you in advance, sorry for the lengthy post.
Quick backstory; my alcoholic bf and I have been together almost 6 years and have a child together. Alcohol ruled our life for the duration of our relationship. He was always drinking and when he wasn't he was mean. Emotionally and mentally abusive. It took much strength to leave, but I did and worked on myself. That was over 9 months ago.
Fast forward to one month ago, after family court, after all the BS. he came back crying with the same promises as before; he loves us so much and doesn't want to be without his family. I am a believe of love and still love him. So we got back together. It moved at his pace as he wanted us together all the time again, etc. whereas I wanted to move slowly just to see where each other were and sort of start over.
The drinking was not gone, and the same behavior was still present, so the emotional whirlwind happened again. Emotions such as guilt, sadness, anger and disappointment.
I told him it was either rehab or I can't do this anymore. He has now been there for 12 days. There was a lot of apprehension on his end, he felt forced, etc. But since then he has sounded calmer, more at ease and more willing to change.
This is where it gets difficult, again, he asks me things that trigger my emotions ; can I leave after 3 weeks ? It's just repetitive and Im not learning anything new at this point, I can leave and work on things with you and be okay. I miss my family, I have so much to do at home, this place is a business, they care about money so of course they don't want me to leave early... and things like " when you come to visit can you bring my cell phone inside so I can text you and stuff at night and you can send pictures of the baby. When I say "no" he says " I didn't think it was a big deal to ask you to bring my phone in , but okay"
Guilt and manipulation, HOW DO YOU RESPOND?! And if he wants to leave early, HOW do you be supportive and loving without being enabling?! Does he come back and live with me, what does that all look like?
It's so overwhelming I just don't know where to turn. I have been going to Alanon for 2 weeks, also, so I am so new
Thank you in advance, sorry for the lengthy post.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
gnc13,
Same old song and dance:
"This rehab is not for me!" "I get it, I'm sober, I understand, I'm good now." "They just keep saying the same things over and over, it's a waste of my time, I can go to meetings once I'm out." "I have a sponsor I'm all set."
Quack Quack Quack. In my experience these phrases I've heard many times from my brothers are always, followed by a return to the bottle within weeks.
Alcoholics don't just get sober and then recover in the twinkle of an eye. It takes months and months of hard, yes repetitive, sometimes tedious, work on themselves, and they need support from professionals and other recovered alcoholics. Talk is just talk and promises mean nothing. Their actions tell the story, and a recovered alcoholic is a very different person in behavior than an active alcoholic, and it is recognizable.
The kind of support they need from family is more along the lines of support for when someone is sick. But the support the sick person needs to get better comes from following the advice of the addiction professionals and doing the actual work on themselves. When addiction is involved family members need to be well-educated about what is enabling behavior, and need their own support and discipline to not engage in those behaviors. It is really hard. AlAnon is a great start. So is the book "Codependent No More" byMelody Beattie - libraries usually have it.
The fact that he's asking you if he can leave is bizarre and shows that he thinks he can make his recovery/drinking a thing between the two of you, effectively deflecting responsibility from himself. I would just say, "To leave is your decision, not mine, I hope you talked to your counselor about it, and I would take their professional advice."
You can refuse to let him come live with you right away. That is fair. I am sure the rehab has a list of sober living facilities he could go to until he has several months of recovery under his belt and you SEE a real difference that YOU can live with.
You are a free human being. You only have to have people in your life that you choose to have in your life. You have a young child, and that is priority #1. Protect YOUR peace of mind!! Play the tape of his abusive behavior all the way through to the end when you feel wishy washy.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Peace,
B
Same old song and dance:
"This rehab is not for me!" "I get it, I'm sober, I understand, I'm good now." "They just keep saying the same things over and over, it's a waste of my time, I can go to meetings once I'm out." "I have a sponsor I'm all set."
Quack Quack Quack. In my experience these phrases I've heard many times from my brothers are always, followed by a return to the bottle within weeks.
Alcoholics don't just get sober and then recover in the twinkle of an eye. It takes months and months of hard, yes repetitive, sometimes tedious, work on themselves, and they need support from professionals and other recovered alcoholics. Talk is just talk and promises mean nothing. Their actions tell the story, and a recovered alcoholic is a very different person in behavior than an active alcoholic, and it is recognizable.
The kind of support they need from family is more along the lines of support for when someone is sick. But the support the sick person needs to get better comes from following the advice of the addiction professionals and doing the actual work on themselves. When addiction is involved family members need to be well-educated about what is enabling behavior, and need their own support and discipline to not engage in those behaviors. It is really hard. AlAnon is a great start. So is the book "Codependent No More" byMelody Beattie - libraries usually have it.
The fact that he's asking you if he can leave is bizarre and shows that he thinks he can make his recovery/drinking a thing between the two of you, effectively deflecting responsibility from himself. I would just say, "To leave is your decision, not mine, I hope you talked to your counselor about it, and I would take their professional advice."
You can refuse to let him come live with you right away. That is fair. I am sure the rehab has a list of sober living facilities he could go to until he has several months of recovery under his belt and you SEE a real difference that YOU can live with.
You are a free human being. You only have to have people in your life that you choose to have in your life. You have a young child, and that is priority #1. Protect YOUR peace of mind!! Play the tape of his abusive behavior all the way through to the end when you feel wishy washy.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
My suggestion is that you get the book " Codependent No More", by Melodie Beattie. That book changed my life and the lives of many other people here. Whether you choose to stay with your mate, or leave, this book would be a very valuable resource.
*hug*
*hug*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I told him it was either rehab or I can't do this anymore. He has now been there for 12 days
and he wants to leave. says there is nothing there for him to learn.
what does that tell you? that he is a prideful arrogant man who isn't willing to do the work. he has the chance of a lifetime right now, to be in a therapeutic setting and learn about his disease and how to deal with it going forward. how to BE a sober person.
you gave him an ultimatum.
he is trying to wiggle out of it and STILL get his way.
you have a child that needs security and stability. not having to learn to navigate the minefield of living with an active alcoholic.
your bf is a grown adult. let him deal with the consequences of his choices and actions. don't let him keep calling the shots.
and he wants to leave. says there is nothing there for him to learn.
what does that tell you? that he is a prideful arrogant man who isn't willing to do the work. he has the chance of a lifetime right now, to be in a therapeutic setting and learn about his disease and how to deal with it going forward. how to BE a sober person.
you gave him an ultimatum.
he is trying to wiggle out of it and STILL get his way.
you have a child that needs security and stability. not having to learn to navigate the minefield of living with an active alcoholic.
your bf is a grown adult. let him deal with the consequences of his choices and actions. don't let him keep calling the shots.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gnc….we have an extensive "library" of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. Over 100 articles....enough for you to read and digest one every singe day....lol....There is sooo much to know.
Knowledge is power.
I am giving you the following link to those articles....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
***Here is one of those articles that I think you should read--right now. I think it is a pretty good yardstick...…
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Knowledge is power.
I am giving you the following link to those articles....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
***Here is one of those articles that I think you should read--right now. I think it is a pretty good yardstick...…
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gnc…...as it stands, right now....it sounds like he is not ready to commit to lifelong abstainence…..as the others have said....there are a lot of red flags.
You said t hat you "can't do this anymore"....but, it sounds like you are having a hard time telling him "No"...and, sticking to it.....
If he returns, under this condition....I am afraid that you are getting ready to cut yourself another piece of the misery pie.....
The reality is...that...he isn't going to like hearing the word "no". Be prepared that he will push back, hard. He will make every promise...and push all of your hot buttons. He knows where your vulnerabilities are, and, he knows that they work--because they have always worked, before.....
It is going to come down to which you value more....keeping him happy with you...or your own happiness and peace of mind...your own mental health...and that of your child.....
It is important to keep your own welfare as the first priority....because he can't....If/when he goes back to that first drink....you will not be number one...the bottle is....This is the way it is with alcoholics.....
Bernadette got it right---it takes months to 2 or 3 years for the early recovery period...and lots...lots...of hard work. AA...a sponsor...working the steps...and, accepting that he cannot ever take a drink, again.....
I hope that you will read the articles that I gave you...because you are going to need to really understand how alcoholism works.....
It is a lot easier to tell him "no" before he gets his foot back in the door....than after the cycle starts, again....
Don't buy his excuses....e will probably try to lay the blame on you and put you on a guilt trip. Saying..."I can't do it without you"...."I need my family"...."don't turn your back on me, now!"
After all...isn't that what he said to you before the last time...and got you to capitulate...?
I suspect that he just went to rehab to get you off his back, and get back to the usual status quo. When a person gets help just to please someone else...it won't work.....It has to be because they want to be sober so bad that they will do anything...without whining and complaining...
I realize that this is probably the last thing that you want to hear...and, I take no pleasure I n saying it to you....but, my heart goes out to you...because I can "feel" that he calls the shots and you don't want to be the one to wear the "black hat".
You are going to have to be strong to stand up for yourself and your child.....
I hope that you will continue to post, here and keep on reading and learning....
You said t hat you "can't do this anymore"....but, it sounds like you are having a hard time telling him "No"...and, sticking to it.....
If he returns, under this condition....I am afraid that you are getting ready to cut yourself another piece of the misery pie.....
The reality is...that...he isn't going to like hearing the word "no". Be prepared that he will push back, hard. He will make every promise...and push all of your hot buttons. He knows where your vulnerabilities are, and, he knows that they work--because they have always worked, before.....
It is going to come down to which you value more....keeping him happy with you...or your own happiness and peace of mind...your own mental health...and that of your child.....
It is important to keep your own welfare as the first priority....because he can't....If/when he goes back to that first drink....you will not be number one...the bottle is....This is the way it is with alcoholics.....
Bernadette got it right---it takes months to 2 or 3 years for the early recovery period...and lots...lots...of hard work. AA...a sponsor...working the steps...and, accepting that he cannot ever take a drink, again.....
I hope that you will read the articles that I gave you...because you are going to need to really understand how alcoholism works.....
It is a lot easier to tell him "no" before he gets his foot back in the door....than after the cycle starts, again....
Don't buy his excuses....e will probably try to lay the blame on you and put you on a guilt trip. Saying..."I can't do it without you"...."I need my family"...."don't turn your back on me, now!"
After all...isn't that what he said to you before the last time...and got you to capitulate...?
I suspect that he just went to rehab to get you off his back, and get back to the usual status quo. When a person gets help just to please someone else...it won't work.....It has to be because they want to be sober so bad that they will do anything...without whining and complaining...
I realize that this is probably the last thing that you want to hear...and, I take no pleasure I n saying it to you....but, my heart goes out to you...because I can "feel" that he calls the shots and you don't want to be the one to wear the "black hat".
You are going to have to be strong to stand up for yourself and your child.....
I hope that you will continue to post, here and keep on reading and learning....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 21
You are so very helpful, thank you. I appreciate your advice and sharing the articles with me. There is SO much to learn here at times it gets overwhelming and seems too big so I back down a little. But you were a big help and those threads were VERY informative
I used a little of what I have learned last night when he called me on the phone. He jumped immediately to "do you promise to never leave me? You're going to be here forever, yo uwant to marry me right?"
All these things I DONT have answers to and in the past I would just say yes because I knew it would make him happy and avoid any kind of conflict/uncomfortable feelings. Not last night. Last night I said, I don't know what the future holds, I know this is going to be a long journey and we both have to work on our own side of the street before we can have the "happy ever after" Lets continue to go day by day and take small steps.
He was bothered by it ; worried by it. Constantly thinking I am going to leave, etc.
But I woke up this morning feeling just a little better than before, almost like my soul feels a little more liberated and a lot less drowned... if that makes sense
Thank you all so much. I hope to continue to receive advice and suggestions based on experience and knowledge from you all.
I used a little of what I have learned last night when he called me on the phone. He jumped immediately to "do you promise to never leave me? You're going to be here forever, yo uwant to marry me right?"
All these things I DONT have answers to and in the past I would just say yes because I knew it would make him happy and avoid any kind of conflict/uncomfortable feelings. Not last night. Last night I said, I don't know what the future holds, I know this is going to be a long journey and we both have to work on our own side of the street before we can have the "happy ever after" Lets continue to go day by day and take small steps.
He was bothered by it ; worried by it. Constantly thinking I am going to leave, etc.
But I woke up this morning feeling just a little better than before, almost like my soul feels a little more liberated and a lot less drowned... if that makes sense
Thank you all so much. I hope to continue to receive advice and suggestions based on experience and knowledge from you all.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
gnc…...as it stands, right now....it sounds like he is not ready to commit to lifelong abstainence…..as the others have said....there are a lot of red flags.
You said t hat you "can't do this anymore"....but, it sounds like you are having a hard time telling him "No"...and, sticking to it.....
If he returns, under this condition....I am afraid that you are getting ready to cut yourself another piece of the misery pie.....
The reality is...that...he isn't going to like hearing the word "no". Be prepared that he will push back, hard. He will make every promise...and push all of your hot buttons. He knows where your vulnerabilities are, and, he knows that they work--because they have always worked, before.....
It is going to come down to which you value more....keeping him happy with you...or your own happiness and peace of mind...your own mental health...and that of your child.....
It is important to keep your own welfare as the first priority....because he can't....If/when he goes back to that first drink....you will not be number one...the bottle is....This is the way it is with alcoholics.....
Bernadette got it right---it takes months to 2 or 3 years for the early recovery period...and lots...lots...of hard work. AA...a sponsor...working the steps...and, accepting that he cannot ever take a drink, again.....
I hope that you will read the articles that I gave you...because you are going to need to really understand how alcoholism works.....
It is a lot easier to tell him "no" before he gets his foot back in the door....than after the cycle starts, again....
Don't buy his excuses....e will probably try to lay the blame on you and put you on a guilt trip. Saying..."I can't do it without you"...."I need my family"...."don't turn your back on me, now!"
After all...isn't that what he said to you before the last time...and got you to capitulate...?
I suspect that he just went to rehab to get you off his back, and get back to the usual status quo. When a person gets help just to please someone else...it won't work.....It has to be because they want to be sober so bad that they will do anything...without whining and complaining...
I realize that this is probably the last thing that you want to hear...and, I take no pleasure I n saying it to you....but, my heart goes out to you...because I can "feel" that he calls the shots and you don't want to be the one to wear the "black hat".
You are going to have to be strong to stand up for yourself and your child.....
I hope that you will continue to post, here and keep on reading and learning....
You said t hat you "can't do this anymore"....but, it sounds like you are having a hard time telling him "No"...and, sticking to it.....
If he returns, under this condition....I am afraid that you are getting ready to cut yourself another piece of the misery pie.....
The reality is...that...he isn't going to like hearing the word "no". Be prepared that he will push back, hard. He will make every promise...and push all of your hot buttons. He knows where your vulnerabilities are, and, he knows that they work--because they have always worked, before.....
It is going to come down to which you value more....keeping him happy with you...or your own happiness and peace of mind...your own mental health...and that of your child.....
It is important to keep your own welfare as the first priority....because he can't....If/when he goes back to that first drink....you will not be number one...the bottle is....This is the way it is with alcoholics.....
Bernadette got it right---it takes months to 2 or 3 years for the early recovery period...and lots...lots...of hard work. AA...a sponsor...working the steps...and, accepting that he cannot ever take a drink, again.....
I hope that you will read the articles that I gave you...because you are going to need to really understand how alcoholism works.....
It is a lot easier to tell him "no" before he gets his foot back in the door....than after the cycle starts, again....
Don't buy his excuses....e will probably try to lay the blame on you and put you on a guilt trip. Saying..."I can't do it without you"...."I need my family"...."don't turn your back on me, now!"
After all...isn't that what he said to you before the last time...and got you to capitulate...?
I suspect that he just went to rehab to get you off his back, and get back to the usual status quo. When a person gets help just to please someone else...it won't work.....It has to be because they want to be sober so bad that they will do anything...without whining and complaining...
I realize that this is probably the last thing that you want to hear...and, I take no pleasure I n saying it to you....but, my heart goes out to you...because I can "feel" that he calls the shots and you don't want to be the one to wear the "black hat".
You are going to have to be strong to stand up for yourself and your child.....
I hope that you will continue to post, here and keep on reading and learning....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 21
Got a call from him this morning,
I NEED TO KNOW THAT WE ARE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND WHEN I GET OUT, WE AR BF AND GF NOW CORRECT? SO WHY CANT YOU ANSWER THAT ?! WHY CANT YOU JSUT MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND FEEL BETTER??
omg the stress. I am at work!
I don't KNOW . I know I love him, but I don't love the way I feel ..
His being worried about if we are together and what is going on outside here just shows that he isn't fully surrendered and giving it his all. Which SUCKS.
He just wants to get back to "his life" and SHOW me his changes, he says he needs the CHANCE to show me...
I NEED TO KNOW THAT WE ARE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND WHEN I GET OUT, WE AR BF AND GF NOW CORRECT? SO WHY CANT YOU ANSWER THAT ?! WHY CANT YOU JSUT MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND FEEL BETTER??
omg the stress. I am at work!
I don't KNOW . I know I love him, but I don't love the way I feel ..
His being worried about if we are together and what is going on outside here just shows that he isn't fully surrendered and giving it his all. Which SUCKS.
He just wants to get back to "his life" and SHOW me his changes, he says he needs the CHANCE to show me...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Please understand, the rehab will also push for this. They will do so because he is their patient and they are working for what is good for HIM, not you. You have to stay strong and advocate for yourself. If you need time, be strong enough to say so. This way, he can deal with that while he is there, and they can be the ones to support him through that.
Big hugs.
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by gnc13
I NEED TO KNOW THAT WE ARE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND WHEN I GET OUT, WE AR BF AND GF NOW CORRECT? SO WHY CANT YOU ANSWER THAT ?! WHY CANT YOU JSUT MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND FEEL BETTER??
......
He just wants to get back to "his life" and SHOW me his changes, he says he needs the CHANCE to show me...
......
He just wants to get back to "his life" and SHOW me his changes, he says he needs the CHANCE to show me...
Relationships are not supposed to be that one-sided unless one side is an infant.
YOUR feelings matter. I don't think he is capable of caring about that right now... but you are. You focus on YOU. It isn't your job to heal him, only he can do that.
If he really wants to get healthy he would work hard towards that whether or not you stayed together as a couple . YOU are not the key to his sobriety... don't let him convince you otherwise.
I know this is really hard stuff. I am sorry you are going through this chaotic experience. Wishing for you strength and clarity while you navigate this crapstorm.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by gnc13
Got a call from him this morning,
I NEED TO KNOW THAT WE ARE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND WHEN I GET OUT, WE AR BF AND GF NOW CORRECT? SO WHY CANT YOU ANSWER THAT ?! WHY CANT YOU JSUT MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND FEEL BETTER??
omg the stress. I am at work!
I don't KNOW . I know I love him, but I don't love the way I feel ..
His being worried about if we are together and what is going on outside here just shows that he isn't fully surrendered and giving it his all. Which SUCKS.
He just wants to get back to "his life" and SHOW me his changes, he says he needs the CHANCE to show me...
I NEED TO KNOW THAT WE ARE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND WHEN I GET OUT, WE AR BF AND GF NOW CORRECT? SO WHY CANT YOU ANSWER THAT ?! WHY CANT YOU JSUT MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND FEEL BETTER??
omg the stress. I am at work!
I don't KNOW . I know I love him, but I don't love the way I feel ..
His being worried about if we are together and what is going on outside here just shows that he isn't fully surrendered and giving it his all. Which SUCKS.
He just wants to get back to "his life" and SHOW me his changes, he says he needs the CHANCE to show me...
It was emotional for both of us. My husband went on a big bender right before he was set to leave for the rehab he decided to attend. He ended up getting in legal trouble and his parents rushed him into a rehab close to where we lived.
While on the family side it may seem like ok, go to rehab, surrender, do exactly what they say, don't complain, don't think about anything else going on in your life, blah blah. Didn't happen that way with my husband. He ended up in a rehab that wasn't good. He wanted to leave. Many people told me blah blah he isn't ready, he hasn't surrendered, he isn't desperate enough.
Addiction is a very complex illness that affects the brain, frontal lobe, affects how people make decisions, etc. 12 days in rehab, I would honestly expect your guy to be miserable, wanting to leave, and trying to think of life apart from what the focus is in there. In other words, this is kinda normal IMO. And also remember, MANY people attend multiple rehabs and try multiple treatments before they have success. (This is what the actual doctors say.. so I set my expectations to this and it was helpful).
I tried to be honest with my husband. So if you love your guy its ok to tell him that. If his alcohol use disorder is damaging your relationship then be honest about that. Be honest in saying the behaviors are unacceptable for you. I was honest in saying my husband needed help. I moved out of our home 2x due to his behaviors. I tried to be supportive of recovery, and to not demean him as a person. But the same time, just speak my own truth about my feelings and what I needed for myself.
Oh btw, my husband ended up ok. But it was a rollercoaster ride. If only we could see into the future, but we have to live our way into it. Take care of yourself, don't be afraid to turn your phone off if you need to.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gnc…...He is really pushing hard, and putting you on the spot....
I confess that I am still confused as to whether he was living with you, at the time of his going into the rehab...….I get the impression that you had left, and he went to rehab to get you back....? Am I correct in this, or not....? I have been thinking that this is the second time you left him, and he wants back in the h ouse…..
If you could clear this up, for me, I would be appreciative.....
I understand that you are at work, right now.....
Maybe, it would be best, for you, to turn all of this off...until you get home from work......
I confess that I am still confused as to whether he was living with you, at the time of his going into the rehab...….I get the impression that you had left, and he went to rehab to get you back....? Am I correct in this, or not....? I have been thinking that this is the second time you left him, and he wants back in the h ouse…..
If you could clear this up, for me, I would be appreciative.....
I understand that you are at work, right now.....
Maybe, it would be best, for you, to turn all of this off...until you get home from work......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by gnc13
He just wants to get back to "his life" and SHOW me his changes, he says he needs the CHANCE to show me...
He DOES NOT need YOU to recover.
And that includes your relationship, any kind of living situation, any promises or assurances of future status.
If he is convinced that his recovery in ANY WAY hinges on you, then you must considering stepping away for both his sake and yours.
It makes you not a person, but a reward. A thing. An unsustainable state of being. It tells you that you must do and be and act a particular way or he will fail. And in reality, nothing having to do with his recovery is anything but his responsibility.
Please do not allow him to persuade you otherwise.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Great comments and all I can add to this discussion is that when I was in rehab for my own alcoholism (a long time ago), the staff got after me for being way too focused on my boyfriend and what he was doing out there and not focused enough on my own self and the work I needed to be doing for my own recovery.
It got so bad that they were prepared to kick me out if I didn't change my priorities. With that ultimatum, I stopped contact until after I was out and settled in a halfway house. Eventually, as I became more stable, I came to my own conclusions that this relationship was not healthy and I was able to break it off.
With another alcoholic partner years later, after a few times back and forth with him, I realized how easily he could push my buttons and know exactly how to manipulate me. When I finally broke it off for good, going no contact was my best solution for preventing him from getting me back.
Is it possible to go no contact at least temporarily so you can each take care of yourselves? He needs all his time and energy to focus on the work he needs to be doing to get well and the same would be good for you. I don't see that you need to give him any reassurance or make promises. If he wants to get well bad enough, it will be no matter what.
It got so bad that they were prepared to kick me out if I didn't change my priorities. With that ultimatum, I stopped contact until after I was out and settled in a halfway house. Eventually, as I became more stable, I came to my own conclusions that this relationship was not healthy and I was able to break it off.
With another alcoholic partner years later, after a few times back and forth with him, I realized how easily he could push my buttons and know exactly how to manipulate me. When I finally broke it off for good, going no contact was my best solution for preventing him from getting me back.
Is it possible to go no contact at least temporarily so you can each take care of yourselves? He needs all his time and energy to focus on the work he needs to be doing to get well and the same would be good for you. I don't see that you need to give him any reassurance or make promises. If he wants to get well bad enough, it will be no matter what.
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gnc….there is an old saying..."When all else fails...try the Truth"...…
He is asking you for an answer....and, I can see that he deserves to know the truth...the reality of the situation (even though he doesn't like it)……
Reality is reality. It just is. It is not an option.
A tornado or a forest fire is a reality...whether people want it or not. The only option involved, is how one deals with it.....
How about writing the truth to him in a letter.....or sending it by e-mail...the real truth of the situation. Tell him exactly how you feel...without sugarcoating it......the same way you would tell us the truth or tell a counselor the truth.
I do think it is better to do that when he is still in rehab, if you choose to do so.
That way, they can support him, and help him deal with it.....
In the end, you can only deal with reality, anyway...and face the consequences in a way that has your own and your child's welfare as the guide.....
He is asking you for an answer....and, I can see that he deserves to know the truth...the reality of the situation (even though he doesn't like it)……
Reality is reality. It just is. It is not an option.
A tornado or a forest fire is a reality...whether people want it or not. The only option involved, is how one deals with it.....
How about writing the truth to him in a letter.....or sending it by e-mail...the real truth of the situation. Tell him exactly how you feel...without sugarcoating it......the same way you would tell us the truth or tell a counselor the truth.
I do think it is better to do that when he is still in rehab, if you choose to do so.
That way, they can support him, and help him deal with it.....
In the end, you can only deal with reality, anyway...and face the consequences in a way that has your own and your child's welfare as the guide.....
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
I see a whole lot of "ME, ME, ME", in his words. It's all about him. Typical.
Relationships are not supposed to be that one-sided unless one side is an infant.
YOUR feelings matter. I don't think he is capable of caring about that right now... but you are. You focus on YOU. It isn't your job to heal him, only he can do that.
If he really wants to get healthy he would work hard towards that whether or not you stayed together as a couple . YOU are not the key to his sobriety... don't let him convince you otherwise.
I know this is really hard stuff. I am sorry you are going through this chaotic experience. Wishing for you strength and clarity while you navigate this crapstorm.
Relationships are not supposed to be that one-sided unless one side is an infant.
YOUR feelings matter. I don't think he is capable of caring about that right now... but you are. You focus on YOU. It isn't your job to heal him, only he can do that.
If he really wants to get healthy he would work hard towards that whether or not you stayed together as a couple . YOU are not the key to his sobriety... don't let him convince you otherwise.
I know this is really hard stuff. I am sorry you are going through this chaotic experience. Wishing for you strength and clarity while you navigate this crapstorm.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by dandylion
gnc…...He is really pushing hard, and putting you on the spot....
I confess that I am still confused as to whether he was living with you, at the time of his going into the rehab...….I get the impression that you had left, and he went to rehab to get you back....? Am I correct in this, or not....? I have been thinking that this is the second time you left him, and he wants back in the h ouse…..
If you could clear this up, for me, I would be appreciative.....
I understand that you are at work, right now.....
Maybe, it would be best, for you, to turn all of this off...until you get home from work......
I confess that I am still confused as to whether he was living with you, at the time of his going into the rehab...….I get the impression that you had left, and he went to rehab to get you back....? Am I correct in this, or not....? I have been thinking that this is the second time you left him, and he wants back in the h ouse…..
If you could clear this up, for me, I would be appreciative.....
I understand that you are at work, right now.....
Maybe, it would be best, for you, to turn all of this off...until you get home from work......
So between the end of June and 8/3 there was guilt, manipulation, resentment (from him on to me) for me trying to move on with my life after leaving him... constantly bringing up who I had been with and how many times, and how many people. The final straw came when he threatened to kill himself and had a huge tantrum/explosion/anger fit while driving with myself and my daughter . I was afraid for our lives so it was then where I said I am done , AGAIN, either go to rehab or I can no longer try.
And that was the truth.. I went back because of promises (empty as usual and I should have known that) but I believed him. And I am again begin fed the same promises. Only this time he says "well have I ever gone to rehab before?!
I hope I was able to clear it up, thanks again.
Last edited by gnc13; 08-17-2018 at 11:20 AM. Reason: june* not july
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