Family members and lives destroyed with drugs and alcohol
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 92
Family members and lives destroyed with drugs and alcohol
I have been in recovery for 25 years with one terrible relapse after long term sobriety. I am now in my 8th year. Thank God for giving me another chance to live. I am 62 and my 2 college educated brothers, who have been drinking and drugging for over 40 years, are now in complete devastation and wreckage from the ravages of addiction and alcoholism. I have enlightened our mother on the fact that drug addiction and alcoholism is not the fault of the parent. It is a psychological disorder and a choice. I emailed her some good articles. She has been living under the burden of this misconception for decades. I think she has seen the light, and harsh as it may be, they should both be cut off. Period. They have destroyed themselves and the family with this. They are both abusive also. One of them tried to kill me once, and the other one, who is a lawyer who never practiced law or provided for his family, has been so verbally abusive that the power of his words were tantamount to wreckless endangerment, more than once. They are both able bodied men who have used and abused a family of women. The wreckage of their lives is huge and the "lawyer" has 2 forms of cancer as result of drugs and alcohol. They attitude of entitlement is mind boggling. They both think that our mother will carry them for the rest of their lives. They seem to think that family is carte blanche for all their abusive crap. They are toxic and unfortunately that is the the reality. My mother is wealthy, but it her decision and the only right thing to do is just cut them off. They will lose everything and are completely out of options. I am just standing by so that my elderly mother is not disrespected and/or manipulated by these two brothers. Unbelievable. Any feedback is appreciated.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
BriarSkye
It is always just so very hard to watch people we love hurt themselves - both those who suffer from addiction and those who suffer from codependency.
I don't know that I have "advice", but here are a few thoughts. I started out enabling my addicted niece 14 years ago. Somewhere along the line I realized she wasn't getting better and I was really sinking into insanity myself - I "hit bottom" myself.
Just like each person who struggles with addiction might have a different "bottom", so do us enablers. Some people don't hit bottom in this lifetime and die being codependent.
The only thing I can say is that those around me let me have my own consequences, but allowed this with love. Some challenged me to look at my addict in a different way, and to look at my own faults.
I discovered that I was so worried about my own comfort (not confronting my niece with boundaries, not willing to look at how bad it really was, etc.) that I made my life hell by trying to be "comfortable" (not ruffling any feathers).
Sadly, by the time it gets really bad, a codependent can be living in a really bad situation. Maybe let you mom know you care, and that if she ever wants to get out of that situation, there is help (Nar Anon meetings, therapy) to develop a plan for some solution.
But, just like someone who struggles with addiction - a person has to want it, make the decision and take action. No one can do it for anyone else.
Maybe invite her to post here (but don't tell her your forum name)?
Other than that, I think all we can do is our best and then let go and let God as they say. Serenity prayer and all that. Some things are just sad and as my sister said to me recently - there is no shortcut to victory.. one must walk the path.
Prayers that your mom and your brothers find a way.
It is always just so very hard to watch people we love hurt themselves - both those who suffer from addiction and those who suffer from codependency.
I don't know that I have "advice", but here are a few thoughts. I started out enabling my addicted niece 14 years ago. Somewhere along the line I realized she wasn't getting better and I was really sinking into insanity myself - I "hit bottom" myself.
Just like each person who struggles with addiction might have a different "bottom", so do us enablers. Some people don't hit bottom in this lifetime and die being codependent.
The only thing I can say is that those around me let me have my own consequences, but allowed this with love. Some challenged me to look at my addict in a different way, and to look at my own faults.
I discovered that I was so worried about my own comfort (not confronting my niece with boundaries, not willing to look at how bad it really was, etc.) that I made my life hell by trying to be "comfortable" (not ruffling any feathers).
Sadly, by the time it gets really bad, a codependent can be living in a really bad situation. Maybe let you mom know you care, and that if she ever wants to get out of that situation, there is help (Nar Anon meetings, therapy) to develop a plan for some solution.
But, just like someone who struggles with addiction - a person has to want it, make the decision and take action. No one can do it for anyone else.
Maybe invite her to post here (but don't tell her your forum name)?
Other than that, I think all we can do is our best and then let go and let God as they say. Serenity prayer and all that. Some things are just sad and as my sister said to me recently - there is no shortcut to victory.. one must walk the path.
Prayers that your mom and your brothers find a way.
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