Lightbulb moments for me, and he won't do the work.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Lightbulb moments for me, and he won't do the work.
The past month or so I've been quiet here on SR. I've been busy doing a lot of introspection, and though it has been painful, I've made a lot of progress....
-I know what "my part" means! I thought it meant "what I did to mess things up and I was supposed to figure out how I was at fault." Its a much kinder way to ask yourself....where can I make improvements in that area of my life? Not berate yourself, not be angry at yourself, just be gentle and look within yourself.
-I also see many things I'd like to change about me to make myself feel better, to make ME happy. I have chosen a few to work on. Still working on not berating myself for feeling like such a messed up person. Progress, not perfection.
-I've been working hard at being positive. Finding a good for every bad. Saw a new therapist yesterday...he talked about his method of therapy and examples of self calming the ENTIRE session! I got in 9 sentences, I counted lol Oh well, there are other therapists, now I know what I don't want. He was awful!
Dandylion, my oldest daughter and my son-in-law want to buy the supplies I need to get a start making my herbal things! I'm excited! I have an excellent salve to heal burns/cuts I give to family and friends and they have always encouraged me to sell it. So sell it I will!
Its not all rainbows and unicorns. RAH still goes to meetings, just hit 7 months sober today, but stalled a few months ago on step 4. He has told me several times he needs to get back to step work, he needs to read his books, he needs to call his sponser. He needs, he's not. He's moody, depressed and and this past month I hear every little thing that he doesn't like about me, what I'm doing wrong etc. Fine, a few of those complaints are legitimate.
After several days of stewing in his chair, watching tv, he went so far to tell me he keeps trying to figure out the problem, and he sees I am the problem. NO! I admit my faults, but there's no way in he** he's laying this on me. This is his to own.
I told him last week its not fair to spew every little thing, it really upsets me, and from now on he can talk to me about the big issues, or nothing at all.
I feel like he's taking all his anger out on me. I'm hanging out in my room tonight taking a breather from seeing him. I will tell him tomorrow that I am working hard on myself, working harder on the PTSD, and its not fair or right that he's coasting along, not doing his work. We didn't ask for any of this crap, and we shouldn't have to continue to suffer because he won't do the work.
-I know what "my part" means! I thought it meant "what I did to mess things up and I was supposed to figure out how I was at fault." Its a much kinder way to ask yourself....where can I make improvements in that area of my life? Not berate yourself, not be angry at yourself, just be gentle and look within yourself.
-I also see many things I'd like to change about me to make myself feel better, to make ME happy. I have chosen a few to work on. Still working on not berating myself for feeling like such a messed up person. Progress, not perfection.
-I've been working hard at being positive. Finding a good for every bad. Saw a new therapist yesterday...he talked about his method of therapy and examples of self calming the ENTIRE session! I got in 9 sentences, I counted lol Oh well, there are other therapists, now I know what I don't want. He was awful!
Dandylion, my oldest daughter and my son-in-law want to buy the supplies I need to get a start making my herbal things! I'm excited! I have an excellent salve to heal burns/cuts I give to family and friends and they have always encouraged me to sell it. So sell it I will!
Its not all rainbows and unicorns. RAH still goes to meetings, just hit 7 months sober today, but stalled a few months ago on step 4. He has told me several times he needs to get back to step work, he needs to read his books, he needs to call his sponser. He needs, he's not. He's moody, depressed and and this past month I hear every little thing that he doesn't like about me, what I'm doing wrong etc. Fine, a few of those complaints are legitimate.
After several days of stewing in his chair, watching tv, he went so far to tell me he keeps trying to figure out the problem, and he sees I am the problem. NO! I admit my faults, but there's no way in he** he's laying this on me. This is his to own.
I told him last week its not fair to spew every little thing, it really upsets me, and from now on he can talk to me about the big issues, or nothing at all.
I feel like he's taking all his anger out on me. I'm hanging out in my room tonight taking a breather from seeing him. I will tell him tomorrow that I am working hard on myself, working harder on the PTSD, and its not fair or right that he's coasting along, not doing his work. We didn't ask for any of this crap, and we shouldn't have to continue to suffer because he won't do the work.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Wamama48 
After several days of stewing in his chair, watching tv, he went so far to tell me he keeps trying to figure out the problem, and he sees I am the problem. NO! I admit my faults, but there's no way in he** he's laying this on me. This is his to own.
I told him last week its not fair to spew every little thing, it really upsets me, and from now on he can talk to me about the big issues, or nothing at all.
I told him last week its not fair to spew every little thing, it really upsets me, and from now on he can talk to me about the big issues, or nothing at all.
I suppose in his grouchy mind you are the problem because if you didn't expect him to behave civilly , he wouldn't have a problem! Kind of like the saying about they don't have a problem with their drinking, you do.
I guess if he can't see what he is doing he thinks it just great?
Keep on keeping on, you are on the right track and I hope even amongst all the negatives you are feeling better, you sound strong.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
It sounds like things are coming around for you—and that is good for you! I’m also inspired by how you are standing up for yourself.
I don’t know where you are to sell your salve...I had a good friend who used to make “grandma’s salve” and it was amazing stuff. She left the Amish community, along with three of her brothers, and it was a recipe that was in the family. I know it had a lot of herbs in it— If I ever saw a product like grandma’s salve, I would buy it up in a minute!
Best to you.
I don’t know where you are to sell your salve...I had a good friend who used to make “grandma’s salve” and it was amazing stuff. She left the Amish community, along with three of her brothers, and it was a recipe that was in the family. I know it had a lot of herbs in it— If I ever saw a product like grandma’s salve, I would buy it up in a minute!
Best to you.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
You are doing really well!! Way to tackle your recovery!
You'll find that the longer & more steadfastly you walk your own path & start to really show signs of healing, the more obvious the chasm between you & others that aren't growing in the same fashion becomes.
You really start to speak different languages & see things in entirely different ways. Makes it very difficult to communicate - plus, when I'm focusing on positive & someone else is holding tightly to negative, we aren't connecting on a basic energetic level. We're vibrating at different frequencies & suddenly they start to judge me a lot for my changes & opinions. Oil & Water.
One of our biggest hurdles is that for years I've walked forward into recovery (well, I sort of run AT it, like the Warped Wall, lol!) while my husband has walked circles & relapsed over & over. I knew this & our therapist confirmed it - we've walked in opposite directions for so long now & she felt the distance was too much for her to counsel us through. She struggled to find resources/tools to help me since I've done so much, while he struggled to accept the most basic parts of therapy because he's so damn resistant to change & far less emotionally mature. His ego is far too wrapped up in the idea of giving up parts of himself that he couldn't always understand that he was actually holding himself back from all the new, amazing parts he'd gain from this kind of introspection. He can't stop interpreting recovery as "ways I'm not good enough naturally" instead of a roadmap to helping him find the best version of himself possible.
You'll find that the longer & more steadfastly you walk your own path & start to really show signs of healing, the more obvious the chasm between you & others that aren't growing in the same fashion becomes.
You really start to speak different languages & see things in entirely different ways. Makes it very difficult to communicate - plus, when I'm focusing on positive & someone else is holding tightly to negative, we aren't connecting on a basic energetic level. We're vibrating at different frequencies & suddenly they start to judge me a lot for my changes & opinions. Oil & Water.
One of our biggest hurdles is that for years I've walked forward into recovery (well, I sort of run AT it, like the Warped Wall, lol!) while my husband has walked circles & relapsed over & over. I knew this & our therapist confirmed it - we've walked in opposite directions for so long now & she felt the distance was too much for her to counsel us through. She struggled to find resources/tools to help me since I've done so much, while he struggled to accept the most basic parts of therapy because he's so damn resistant to change & far less emotionally mature. His ego is far too wrapped up in the idea of giving up parts of himself that he couldn't always understand that he was actually holding himself back from all the new, amazing parts he'd gain from this kind of introspection. He can't stop interpreting recovery as "ways I'm not good enough naturally" instead of a roadmap to helping him find the best version of himself possible.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
W,
Wow, do you sound like you are working a program. You are quoting what you are doing and that is part of it. You see that he is no longer working his program and he is not progressing. A program is not only about stopping the drinking, its the big package. If he stays stuck and you educate yourself and feel deserving of something better, he will be left behind. He will see you not engaging in is mess.
Only time will tell where you guys end up. I hope its together. But you have been living with an addict for way to long, and now if you are going to continue living with a dry drunk, nothing has changed. Get healthy my friend and things will fall into place the way they are supposed too!! Keep working your program!!
Wow, do you sound like you are working a program. You are quoting what you are doing and that is part of it. You see that he is no longer working his program and he is not progressing. A program is not only about stopping the drinking, its the big package. If he stays stuck and you educate yourself and feel deserving of something better, he will be left behind. He will see you not engaging in is mess.
Only time will tell where you guys end up. I hope its together. But you have been living with an addict for way to long, and now if you are going to continue living with a dry drunk, nothing has changed. Get healthy my friend and things will fall into place the way they are supposed too!! Keep working your program!!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
As I can't force someone else to change, I learned (One Day at a Time) to create new healing spaces for myself and kid. Eventually that led to seperate households. I didn't have to make any big decisions. Life simply kept working out as I put in the work and reset my inner compass towards self healing, protecting child in news ways and learning new life skills.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
"He can't stop interpreting recovery as "ways I'm not good enough naturally" instead of a roadmap to helping him find the best version of himself possible".
I can see how this prevents his progress, only because so many people (my AH and me, as well) have a hard time with the language about "defects of character". I am writing not to defend your AH, but to share that for me, some of the wording in AA/Al-Anon used to sound to me (years ago) like admitting I am a horrible person and counting all the ways that were true (LOL, yikes). Now I feel that "defects of character" are nothing to be afraid of; things like poor boundaries, not loving myself or knowing how to, and not knowing to ask for help from others. Today in a meeting, someone said they now substitute the word "love" for "will", where it says in Step 11 about praying/meditating about knowledge of God's will for us. Also, since s*&* hit the fan in my life, I've trusted God less. Awhile back, someone said in a meeting about "not giving up" that she simply could not muster any faith in a HP, years ago. And she said another member at the time told her that was okay, that she could borrow HER faith that it would get better...and that this helped her get past her depression. I am rambling now. I hope your AH can eventually find the value in the steps. I really appreciate what you said about your part not being what you did to mess things up, but what areas you can improve on. I struggle with a lot of guilt too. So thank you for that!
I can see how this prevents his progress, only because so many people (my AH and me, as well) have a hard time with the language about "defects of character". I am writing not to defend your AH, but to share that for me, some of the wording in AA/Al-Anon used to sound to me (years ago) like admitting I am a horrible person and counting all the ways that were true (LOL, yikes). Now I feel that "defects of character" are nothing to be afraid of; things like poor boundaries, not loving myself or knowing how to, and not knowing to ask for help from others. Today in a meeting, someone said they now substitute the word "love" for "will", where it says in Step 11 about praying/meditating about knowledge of God's will for us. Also, since s*&* hit the fan in my life, I've trusted God less. Awhile back, someone said in a meeting about "not giving up" that she simply could not muster any faith in a HP, years ago. And she said another member at the time told her that was okay, that she could borrow HER faith that it would get better...and that this helped her get past her depression. I am rambling now. I hope your AH can eventually find the value in the steps. I really appreciate what you said about your part not being what you did to mess things up, but what areas you can improve on. I struggle with a lot of guilt too. So thank you for that!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Clarity, you are so welcome. Thanks for helping me see the way he is thinking. More often that not I ask him what's going on, and he just looks and acts confused and says "I don't know". Like you mentioned about being a bad person, he's told me he doesn't deserve good things. You were also on the money with not asking others for help. He finds that impossible, he says the only one he can trust completely is himself. None of that can be used as an excuse, but putting it all together helps me be a little more understanding while still maintaining my progress and forward momentum. I've told him a temporary separation would be best for both of us. I won't be frustrated with his behaviour, he won't be frustrated with mine, and he won't feel pressured to maintain a relationship. I'm letting him off the hook. He won't do it. Thanks for sharing!
Originally Posted by clarity888
"He can't stop interpreting recovery as "ways I'm not good enough naturally" instead of a roadmap to helping him find the best version of himself possible".
I can see how this prevents his progress, only because so many people (my AH and me, as well) have a hard time with the language about "defects of character". I am writing not to defend your AH, but to share that for me, some of the wording in AA/Al-Anon used to sound to me (years ago) like admitting I am a horrible person and counting all the ways that were true (LOL, yikes). Now I feel that "defects of character" are nothing to be afraid of; things like poor boundaries, not loving myself or knowing how to, and not knowing to ask for help from others. Today in a meeting, someone said they now substitute the word "love" for "will", where it says in Step 11 about praying/meditating about knowledge of God's will for us. Also, since s*&* hit the fan in my life, I've trusted God less. Awhile back, someone said in a meeting about "not giving up" that she simply could not muster any faith in a HP, years ago. And she said another member at the time told her that was okay, that she could borrow HER faith that it would get better...and that this helped her get past her depression. I am rambling now. I hope your AH can eventually find the value in the steps. I really appreciate what you said about your part not being what you did to mess things up, but what areas you can improve on. I struggle with a lot of guilt too. So thank you for that!
I can see how this prevents his progress, only because so many people (my AH and me, as well) have a hard time with the language about "defects of character". I am writing not to defend your AH, but to share that for me, some of the wording in AA/Al-Anon used to sound to me (years ago) like admitting I am a horrible person and counting all the ways that were true (LOL, yikes). Now I feel that "defects of character" are nothing to be afraid of; things like poor boundaries, not loving myself or knowing how to, and not knowing to ask for help from others. Today in a meeting, someone said they now substitute the word "love" for "will", where it says in Step 11 about praying/meditating about knowledge of God's will for us. Also, since s*&* hit the fan in my life, I've trusted God less. Awhile back, someone said in a meeting about "not giving up" that she simply could not muster any faith in a HP, years ago. And she said another member at the time told her that was okay, that she could borrow HER faith that it would get better...and that this helped her get past her depression. I am rambling now. I hope your AH can eventually find the value in the steps. I really appreciate what you said about your part not being what you did to mess things up, but what areas you can improve on. I struggle with a lot of guilt too. So thank you for that!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I still hope we end up together too. If he's not working a program, its driving a huge wedge right between us. Eventually that wedge won't be able to be removed. And thanks for the encouragement!
Originally Posted by maia1234
W,
Wow, do you sound like you are working a program. You are quoting what you are doing and that is part of it. You see that he is no longer working his program and he is not progressing. A program is not only about stopping the drinking, its the big package. If he stays stuck and you educate yourself and feel deserving of something better, he will be left behind. He will see you not engaging in is mess.
Only time will tell where you guys end up. I hope its together. But you have been living with an addict for way to long, and now if you are going to continue living with a dry drunk, nothing has changed. Get healthy my friend and things will fall into place the way they are supposed too!! Keep working your program!!
Wow, do you sound like you are working a program. You are quoting what you are doing and that is part of it. You see that he is no longer working his program and he is not progressing. A program is not only about stopping the drinking, its the big package. If he stays stuck and you educate yourself and feel deserving of something better, he will be left behind. He will see you not engaging in is mess.
Only time will tell where you guys end up. I hope its together. But you have been living with an addict for way to long, and now if you are going to continue living with a dry drunk, nothing has changed. Get healthy my friend and things will fall into place the way they are supposed too!! Keep working your program!!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Thank you! You have a very insightful therapist. Yep, we are speaking different languages. Like when he was actively drinking, I can't make him see the hard work of change feels so good.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
You are doing really well!! Way to tackle your recovery!
You'll find that the longer & more steadfastly you walk your own path & start to really show signs of healing, the more obvious the chasm between you & others that aren't growing in the same fashion becomes.
You really start to speak different languages & see things in entirely different ways. Makes it very difficult to communicate - plus, when I'm focusing on positive & someone else is holding tightly to negative, we aren't connecting on a basic energetic level. We're vibrating at different frequencies & suddenly they start to judge me a lot for my changes & opinions. Oil & Water.
One of our biggest hurdles is that for years I've walked forward into recovery (well, I sort of run AT it, like the Warped Wall, lol!) while my husband has walked circles & relapsed over & over. I knew this & our therapist confirmed it - we've walked in opposite directions for so long now & she felt the distance was too much for her to counsel us through. She struggled to find resources/tools to help me since I've done so much, while he struggled to accept the most basic parts of therapy because he's so damn resistant to change & far less emotionally mature. His ego is far too wrapped up in the idea of giving up parts of himself that he couldn't always understand that he was actually holding himself back from all the new, amazing parts he'd gain from this kind of introspection. He can't stop interpreting recovery as "ways I'm not good enough naturally" instead of a roadmap to helping him find the best version of himself possible.
You'll find that the longer & more steadfastly you walk your own path & start to really show signs of healing, the more obvious the chasm between you & others that aren't growing in the same fashion becomes.
You really start to speak different languages & see things in entirely different ways. Makes it very difficult to communicate - plus, when I'm focusing on positive & someone else is holding tightly to negative, we aren't connecting on a basic energetic level. We're vibrating at different frequencies & suddenly they start to judge me a lot for my changes & opinions. Oil & Water.
One of our biggest hurdles is that for years I've walked forward into recovery (well, I sort of run AT it, like the Warped Wall, lol!) while my husband has walked circles & relapsed over & over. I knew this & our therapist confirmed it - we've walked in opposite directions for so long now & she felt the distance was too much for her to counsel us through. She struggled to find resources/tools to help me since I've done so much, while he struggled to accept the most basic parts of therapy because he's so damn resistant to change & far less emotionally mature. His ego is far too wrapped up in the idea of giving up parts of himself that he couldn't always understand that he was actually holding himself back from all the new, amazing parts he'd gain from this kind of introspection. He can't stop interpreting recovery as "ways I'm not good enough naturally" instead of a roadmap to helping him find the best version of himself possible.
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Wamama….when he says "I don't know".....I suspect that he really doesn't know. At 7months...which is a really great thing, in itself....the brain still isn't as healed as it will be...And....it is really terrifying to do deep self evaluation.....
If he has low self esteem and depression...I think it is safe to say that he brought a barrel of issues from his early life...before you even met him...
those issues don't jus magically go away....and, most everyone needs the guidance of therapy to face them.....
Good that he is still going to AA....
Perhaps he would be more willing to accept individual therapy with a male therapist (in addition to AA)…..
I don't see what it would hurt to encourage him to think about it...especially if he can see that it is driving a wedge.....
Some people are not good at verbalizing their feelings...maybe, never have, in their entire life! I think that lots of men are especially bad at this....as many young men are raised to keep their feelings inside.....
If he has low self esteem and depression...I think it is safe to say that he brought a barrel of issues from his early life...before you even met him...
those issues don't jus magically go away....and, most everyone needs the guidance of therapy to face them.....
Good that he is still going to AA....
Perhaps he would be more willing to accept individual therapy with a male therapist (in addition to AA)…..
I don't see what it would hurt to encourage him to think about it...especially if he can see that it is driving a wedge.....
Some people are not good at verbalizing their feelings...maybe, never have, in their entire life! I think that lots of men are especially bad at this....as many young men are raised to keep their feelings inside.....
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
You made me laugh Dandy. You guessed right...his problem exactly is he says something and it doesn't come out the way he means it. Then he can't get out what he means. He's always been that way as long as I've known him.
I did suggest he see his own therapist. He said his AA people are his therapist....but he's been telling me for weeks he's been questioning the validity of AA, and he's missed several meetings because of that. I'm so confused!
We talked, well argued, we can't talk anymore. He told me he's stuck on step 4 because, even though some of the resentments are his issues, most of the resentments he has are from me.
I'm not understanding where this comes from, because a few minutes before that he said he's noticed the good changes in me. But daily I hear how I did x,y and z, I don't do ____ or I did ____I can't win. Is there anything he even likes about me?
But, Ill keep working on me and try harder not to let this pull me down.
I did suggest he see his own therapist. He said his AA people are his therapist....but he's been telling me for weeks he's been questioning the validity of AA, and he's missed several meetings because of that. I'm so confused!
We talked, well argued, we can't talk anymore. He told me he's stuck on step 4 because, even though some of the resentments are his issues, most of the resentments he has are from me.
I'm not understanding where this comes from, because a few minutes before that he said he's noticed the good changes in me. But daily I hear how I did x,y and z, I don't do ____ or I did ____I can't win. Is there anything he even likes about me?
But, Ill keep working on me and try harder not to let this pull me down.
Originally Posted by dandylion
Wamama….when he says "I don't know".....I suspect that he really doesn't know. At 7months...which is a really great thing, in itself....the brain still isn't as healed as it will be...And....it is really terrifying to do deep self evaluation.....
If he has low self esteem and depression...I think it is safe to say that he brought a barrel of issues from his early life...before you even met him...
those issues don't jus magically go away....and, most everyone needs the guidance of therapy to face them.....
Good that he is still going to AA....
Perhaps he would be more willing to accept individual therapy with a male therapist (in addition to AA)…..
I don't see what it would hurt to encourage him to think about it...especially if he can see that it is driving a wedge.....
Some people are not good at verbalizing their feelings...maybe, never have, in their entire life! I think that lots of men are especially bad at this....as many young men are raised to keep their feelings inside.....
If he has low self esteem and depression...I think it is safe to say that he brought a barrel of issues from his early life...before you even met him...
those issues don't jus magically go away....and, most everyone needs the guidance of therapy to face them.....
Good that he is still going to AA....
Perhaps he would be more willing to accept individual therapy with a male therapist (in addition to AA)…..
I don't see what it would hurt to encourage him to think about it...especially if he can see that it is driving a wedge.....
Some people are not good at verbalizing their feelings...maybe, never have, in their entire life! I think that lots of men are especially bad at this....as many young men are raised to keep their feelings inside.....
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
His resentments are his resentments. Full stop.
They're not from you, you are not his problem, all of those thoughts are just obstacles he is throwing up so he doesn't have to examine himself. It's natural. It's not fair or right but it's what we do when we are sick and scared and our old ways of dealing with discomfort (for him, drinking) are no longer an option.
I'm not saying this so you can point this out to him of course, but to reinforce the fact that you already understand: you are NOT the exception to the three's C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. No matter how desperate he is to believe otherwise--or to get YOU to believe otherwise with him.
Let me say one more thing: the things he criticizes about you are the things he is insecure of in himself. I know it sounds like a joke, but this literally has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his sense of self (or lack thereof).
They're not from you, you are not his problem, all of those thoughts are just obstacles he is throwing up so he doesn't have to examine himself. It's natural. It's not fair or right but it's what we do when we are sick and scared and our old ways of dealing with discomfort (for him, drinking) are no longer an option.
I'm not saying this so you can point this out to him of course, but to reinforce the fact that you already understand: you are NOT the exception to the three's C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. No matter how desperate he is to believe otherwise--or to get YOU to believe otherwise with him.
Let me say one more thing: the things he criticizes about you are the things he is insecure of in himself. I know it sounds like a joke, but this literally has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his sense of self (or lack thereof).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Thank you. You sound like a mama bear defending her cub. I bet you've been through this before. 😉 You should be an attorney lol
I spent the the past week, and today at work, holding back tears. My fault or his, it hurts to be attacked by him. He (drunk or pickled) rarely argued with me, rarely said mean things. I'm not used to being treated this way by him.
We can't even have a basic conversation for 5 min without a misunderstanding by one of us, anger starts up, things start to get heated, we walk away. Rinse and repeat. Another 3-4 weeks before we can see a marriage counselor. He's always angry, I'm always hurt/crying. Things are getting volatile quickly, its an uneasy feeling. I feel it in my gut.
I spent the the past week, and today at work, holding back tears. My fault or his, it hurts to be attacked by him. He (drunk or pickled) rarely argued with me, rarely said mean things. I'm not used to being treated this way by him.
We can't even have a basic conversation for 5 min without a misunderstanding by one of us, anger starts up, things start to get heated, we walk away. Rinse and repeat. Another 3-4 weeks before we can see a marriage counselor. He's always angry, I'm always hurt/crying. Things are getting volatile quickly, its an uneasy feeling. I feel it in my gut.
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
His resentments are his resentments. Full stop.
They're not from you, you are not his problem, all of those thoughts are just obstacles he is throwing up so he doesn't have to examine himself. It's natural. It's not fair or right but it's what we do when we are sick and scared and our old ways of dealing with discomfort (for him, drinking) are no longer an option.
I'm not saying this so you can point this out to him of course, but to reinforce the fact that you already understand: you are NOT the exception to the three's C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. No matter how desperate he is to believe otherwise--or to get YOU to believe otherwise with him.
Let me say one more thing: the things he criticizes about you are the things he is insecure of in himself. I know it sounds like a joke, but this literally has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his sense of self (or lack thereof).
They're not from you, you are not his problem, all of those thoughts are just obstacles he is throwing up so he doesn't have to examine himself. It's natural. It's not fair or right but it's what we do when we are sick and scared and our old ways of dealing with discomfort (for him, drinking) are no longer an option.
I'm not saying this so you can point this out to him of course, but to reinforce the fact that you already understand: you are NOT the exception to the three's C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. No matter how desperate he is to believe otherwise--or to get YOU to believe otherwise with him.
Let me say one more thing: the things he criticizes about you are the things he is insecure of in himself. I know it sounds like a joke, but this literally has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his sense of self (or lack thereof).
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I'm not understanding where this comes from, because a few minutes before that he said he's noticed the good changes in me. But daily I hear how I did x,y and z, I don't do ____ or I did ____I can't win. Is there anything he even likes about me?
Maybe you just aren't that compatible now he is sober. He is blaming you for his problems and that is not recovery. My exah did this to me and it was only after we split up and I was totally out of his life he had to stop blaming me and start looking at himself. It took me a long time to work out that what I was trying to save wasn't worth the grief tho.
4 years on he is working a recovery, he is present for our sons and he is a different person. If I'd stayed with him he'd have still been the same resentful, nasty dry drunk.
Maybe you just aren't that compatible now he is sober. He is blaming you for his problems and that is not recovery. My exah did this to me and it was only after we split up and I was totally out of his life he had to stop blaming me and start looking at himself. It took me a long time to work out that what I was trying to save wasn't worth the grief tho.
4 years on he is working a recovery, he is present for our sons and he is a different person. If I'd stayed with him he'd have still been the same resentful, nasty dry drunk.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Wamama…..I am so glad that you are determined to follow your path toward healing...and, I am glad that you intend to sell your herbal products!
It must be very hard to contend with his current level of anger.....very wearing....
The fact that you are crying so much...demonstrates how much hurt you are contending with....
One thing that I note....that he is recently questioning the validity of AA and missing some meetings...after having been so enthusiastic about attendance....
makes me wonder if he is not blaming YOU for his having to give up the alcohol...maybe, not straight out...but, simmering inside. After all, we know that anyone who comes between the alcoholic and his/her drink...will be seen as the "enemy"...even if it is a loved one....
This is not uncommon....and, at 7 months...it may be that he is past the "Pink Cloud"...of early recovery....(the enthusiasm of early recovery)…..
I have heard AA members talking about this, before....
Even is this is the case...it is still his to deal with.....(back to the 3 Cs)….
It must be very hard to contend with his current level of anger.....very wearing....
The fact that you are crying so much...demonstrates how much hurt you are contending with....
One thing that I note....that he is recently questioning the validity of AA and missing some meetings...after having been so enthusiastic about attendance....
makes me wonder if he is not blaming YOU for his having to give up the alcohol...maybe, not straight out...but, simmering inside. After all, we know that anyone who comes between the alcoholic and his/her drink...will be seen as the "enemy"...even if it is a loved one....
This is not uncommon....and, at 7 months...it may be that he is past the "Pink Cloud"...of early recovery....(the enthusiasm of early recovery)…..
I have heard AA members talking about this, before....
Even is this is the case...it is still his to deal with.....(back to the 3 Cs)….
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
He has told me before that he is resentful towards me for "making" him quit. But, that he's glad he did and never wants to drink again. He still says he likes being sober, but it's much, much harder than he ever imagined.
My dad nd step mom are coming to visit today before they head back to Las Vegas. Its supposed to be a beautiful summer day and I want to enjoy it with the boys before fall, and the rain, rolls in next month.
I have allowed his alcoholism to take years from me, and the kids. I no longer wait to do family things with him because for the past few years, he's never in the mood to do anything but work. Nowadays, he's not in the mood for anything but watching tv.
So, he can sit around and be mad at me, at himself, at the air he breathes. I might still walk around trying not to cry, I will still be upset at the way things are going, but I'm not attending his invite to the argument. I'm going to enjoy what's left of the summer with the boys.
Today we're making a bucket list of summer things we want to do. I will have to prod the boys, they are not in the mood to do anything either. Its a crappy, depressing environment they've been forced to live in. But that doesn't mean we have to continue that way. We waded across the river the other day and had fun! It's hard when all I want to do is cry, but they need some brightness in their lives.
My dad nd step mom are coming to visit today before they head back to Las Vegas. Its supposed to be a beautiful summer day and I want to enjoy it with the boys before fall, and the rain, rolls in next month.
I have allowed his alcoholism to take years from me, and the kids. I no longer wait to do family things with him because for the past few years, he's never in the mood to do anything but work. Nowadays, he's not in the mood for anything but watching tv.
So, he can sit around and be mad at me, at himself, at the air he breathes. I might still walk around trying not to cry, I will still be upset at the way things are going, but I'm not attending his invite to the argument. I'm going to enjoy what's left of the summer with the boys.
Today we're making a bucket list of summer things we want to do. I will have to prod the boys, they are not in the mood to do anything either. Its a crappy, depressing environment they've been forced to live in. But that doesn't mean we have to continue that way. We waded across the river the other day and had fun! It's hard when all I want to do is cry, but they need some brightness in their lives.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Well I never even thought about that. I thought about the boys deserving happiness, but for myself it never crossed my mind. Hmmm, something to think on. I do a lot of thinking these days, I wonder if smoke will start coming out of my ears soon? Thanks Mango, I always enjoy your encouraging posts.
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