The In Between
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
The In Between
I'm on the brink of two years away from alcohol, and facing a long weekend of working overtime. I'm a salary employee, so I'm not facing more money, but facing some real accomplishment when the weekend and next week are concluded. I'm a really lucky person in regards to my job in that what I do is something I really believe in, and while the pay is nice, and I like all people in this country do need to be paid for my labor, I don't do this particular work for the money it pays, but because I love the work I do and what I am doing.
I could have blown it. I was on course to do exactly that, about two years ago. My job requires unusual hours and while I don't have someone standing over me giving me orders, I do have responsibilities and am expected to accomplish a series of goals. If it can be done 9-5, 5 days a week, well, great. But the reality is, I will work some days from 1-10, others 7-12 and then 7-11, some days just a couple of hours, and then a Saturday. I make my own schedule to get my work done and it requires more than just going to an office, but site visits and out of office meetings.
This is a demanding requirement for an alcoholic. How can I drink myself to oblivion if I have to be working from 7-11 tonight? And then, have to be back at work at 8 AM for a meeting? At first, I would plan my drinking around what I knew I needed to do for work. But after awhile, I started to let work slide and just plan my work around my drinking.
I'll never forget the times in 2016 when I drank half a bottle of wine and then drove 15 miles in rush hour to do large group presentations. Not having to be up close, they couldn't smell me, I thought. It would give me a nice buzz for a little while and then I could be nicely on my way to stop somewhere on my way home for another glass or two, then go home to my box of wine that lived, always with another unopened box, in the pantry. No time to do post presentation paperwork, I'd earned this evening.
On another given day, I'd get a phone call, be on it for awhile, deflect the topic, make a few empty promises that I knew I'd not deliver on, then the stress of knowing that, along with the resentment of getting the call, would make me think it was time to hit that box again, just a little as long as it was after noon, full guns if it was after 5.
Every morning I woke up sick. I'd gag randomly as I drank my coffee. Sometimes my hands were unsteady. My digestive system was a wreck. I didn't recognize the person in my brain, but most of the time I didn't even know that I didn't recognize that person, because, of course, it was me. And looking in the mirror was something I needed to be in full on disassociation to do. I was a beautiful young woman, I'd even modeled some in my 20s, and the person in the mirror was a very bloated, exhausted, haggard middle aged woman with frayed hair and red eyes. My skin was ruddy and the circles under my eyes had made their own deep wrinkles extending down to my cheeks.
I didn't eat to fuel my body, I ate to make hangovers go away, or to prevent hangovers. Whereas I'd once been a health food nut, I was eating greasy, dense, fatty, refined carb meals at all hours. I'd wake up in the middle of the night sweating, stinking of alcohol, with crazed and delusional, paranoid, fearful thoughts racing through my head.
I'd initially come to this site in June of 2011, when I wrecked my car. It was unrelated to alcohol, but that was only a crapshoot. I could have and should have been drinking when that happened. The accident was my fault and thank god no one was hurt. The reason I joined here was because I'd been lurking for a couple of weeks, having come off of a period of being dry for a few weeks, and subsequently realizing I couldn't moderate. This was five years and some change before I finally successfully got sober. I'd only come back when I was not drinking. I never once drank and read here, it felt too much like I really had a problem when I did. I preferred to be immersed in denial instead.
All of this is to say, that our lives happen in the in between moments. We have a series of major events that certainly have definition - the day we are born, the day we get married, the day we get a raise, the day we buy a car, the day we crash the car, the day we get arrested, the day we get out of jail, on and on. But the days in between are the ones that shape those events, for the most part.
The day my dear love died was a day's event in my life I couldn't control, and was probably about the time I really started to drink alcoholically, back in 2002. The reason, however, that it was an event was because of the seven years prior, of knowing and loving him, all of those in between moments shared together. After grief, the healthy thing would have been to really honor that and get back to making my life an alive one. While I certainly did some good work getting past the grief, I also started drinking to escape the void in my heart. Which led to drinking to escape social anxiety, and drinking to escape work, drinking to escape the day, drinking to just get by. My life, over the years, was just put aside and my in between moments, for the most part, for about 15 years, were defined by drinking.
I spent a lot of time feeling very sorry for myself about what a bad lot I'd been handed. Even after I stopped drinking. I've read some of my posts from two years ago. Even while gushing about how great it was to be dry, I'd be talking about how stressful work was. I remember what that stress was. It was facing the consequences of what my alcoholism was doing to my work productivity and I was in full on resentment and denial about that. I didn't give you all half the story and really, it took a commitment to staying sober, which meant embracing gratitude and catching the feeling of resentment, for me to start to unpack how close I was to my life's possibilities being destroyed. I didn't really start doing that in full, regarding my resentment about my job, until after the first year. I'm really glad I didn't quit my job. I really understand why they say not to make any major changes in your life in the first year. Quitting my job would have been a mistake. It's now taken me two years but I'm getting on with atoning for the years of unreliability. I'm quite sure I'd have been fired, maybe even just a few months after my quit date, had I not become more reliable.
All the while, though, in those earlier days when I was still not completely figuring it out, I was starting to feel a lot better. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, much better than when I was drinking. This gave me new in between moments. I started to perform better at work. I started to get a bit healthier. I became a nicer person, bit by bit, to the people who I love and care for, and who love and care for me. After two years, I've gone from 207 pounds to 160 today. I just go ahead and call that 50
. I'm in the process of now, getting promoted. Seven months into recovery I found out I have a different father (I can't imagine how I'd have handled that drinking - it could have been a disaster for all, and believe me, I wanted to drink for a minute there). I have developed a really nice relationship with this new family and you won't be surprised to hear that they are, many of them, recovering alcoholics.
Waking early, feeling sleepy but not groggy, light but not lightheaded, grounded but not heavy, focused but not obsessed, has informed all of my in between moments of the last two years. Remembering what was, while not dwelling on it, and letting go, and forgiving myself, asking for forgiveness, and giving it to others, with no expectations of return, has made my life, by which I mean my in between moments, something more meaningful than I ever imagined. Really. Than I ever imagined. Being of service is something that makes me happy. Putting up with BS is something I just shake my head to and walk away from. Drama is just left over there - it's not mine. If it is, I very carefully examine it, patch it up, and move on.
Every day I'm stronger, for the most part. I'm grateful to learn from others. I learn a lot from coming here and reading, both what people who are long term in recovery, and from those who are still struggling to get sober. I think the day I don't, I will need to go on alert, because getting ahead of myself hasn't worked in the past. That is what being humble is, for me. It's not subservience or self loathing. It's seeing the light instead of the dark and finding the wisdom, in others or in myself, and being grateful for it.
So I'm off for my long weekend and week of doing work that is demanding and rewarding. In a couple of days I will suddenly remember that August 12th has arrived, and I will drink my special blueberry seltzer I've put in my office mini fridge for the occasion. I'm here, because I'm not there.
Getting sober saved my life. I'd be alive, physically, maybe, but my in between moments would be nothing like they are now. Now is much more alive. So, getting sober saved my life. This is long but I hope it speaks to someone. Make your in between moments count.
Love and Gratitude,
bexxed
I could have blown it. I was on course to do exactly that, about two years ago. My job requires unusual hours and while I don't have someone standing over me giving me orders, I do have responsibilities and am expected to accomplish a series of goals. If it can be done 9-5, 5 days a week, well, great. But the reality is, I will work some days from 1-10, others 7-12 and then 7-11, some days just a couple of hours, and then a Saturday. I make my own schedule to get my work done and it requires more than just going to an office, but site visits and out of office meetings.
This is a demanding requirement for an alcoholic. How can I drink myself to oblivion if I have to be working from 7-11 tonight? And then, have to be back at work at 8 AM for a meeting? At first, I would plan my drinking around what I knew I needed to do for work. But after awhile, I started to let work slide and just plan my work around my drinking.
I'll never forget the times in 2016 when I drank half a bottle of wine and then drove 15 miles in rush hour to do large group presentations. Not having to be up close, they couldn't smell me, I thought. It would give me a nice buzz for a little while and then I could be nicely on my way to stop somewhere on my way home for another glass or two, then go home to my box of wine that lived, always with another unopened box, in the pantry. No time to do post presentation paperwork, I'd earned this evening.
On another given day, I'd get a phone call, be on it for awhile, deflect the topic, make a few empty promises that I knew I'd not deliver on, then the stress of knowing that, along with the resentment of getting the call, would make me think it was time to hit that box again, just a little as long as it was after noon, full guns if it was after 5.
Every morning I woke up sick. I'd gag randomly as I drank my coffee. Sometimes my hands were unsteady. My digestive system was a wreck. I didn't recognize the person in my brain, but most of the time I didn't even know that I didn't recognize that person, because, of course, it was me. And looking in the mirror was something I needed to be in full on disassociation to do. I was a beautiful young woman, I'd even modeled some in my 20s, and the person in the mirror was a very bloated, exhausted, haggard middle aged woman with frayed hair and red eyes. My skin was ruddy and the circles under my eyes had made their own deep wrinkles extending down to my cheeks.
I didn't eat to fuel my body, I ate to make hangovers go away, or to prevent hangovers. Whereas I'd once been a health food nut, I was eating greasy, dense, fatty, refined carb meals at all hours. I'd wake up in the middle of the night sweating, stinking of alcohol, with crazed and delusional, paranoid, fearful thoughts racing through my head.
I'd initially come to this site in June of 2011, when I wrecked my car. It was unrelated to alcohol, but that was only a crapshoot. I could have and should have been drinking when that happened. The accident was my fault and thank god no one was hurt. The reason I joined here was because I'd been lurking for a couple of weeks, having come off of a period of being dry for a few weeks, and subsequently realizing I couldn't moderate. This was five years and some change before I finally successfully got sober. I'd only come back when I was not drinking. I never once drank and read here, it felt too much like I really had a problem when I did. I preferred to be immersed in denial instead.
All of this is to say, that our lives happen in the in between moments. We have a series of major events that certainly have definition - the day we are born, the day we get married, the day we get a raise, the day we buy a car, the day we crash the car, the day we get arrested, the day we get out of jail, on and on. But the days in between are the ones that shape those events, for the most part.
The day my dear love died was a day's event in my life I couldn't control, and was probably about the time I really started to drink alcoholically, back in 2002. The reason, however, that it was an event was because of the seven years prior, of knowing and loving him, all of those in between moments shared together. After grief, the healthy thing would have been to really honor that and get back to making my life an alive one. While I certainly did some good work getting past the grief, I also started drinking to escape the void in my heart. Which led to drinking to escape social anxiety, and drinking to escape work, drinking to escape the day, drinking to just get by. My life, over the years, was just put aside and my in between moments, for the most part, for about 15 years, were defined by drinking.
I spent a lot of time feeling very sorry for myself about what a bad lot I'd been handed. Even after I stopped drinking. I've read some of my posts from two years ago. Even while gushing about how great it was to be dry, I'd be talking about how stressful work was. I remember what that stress was. It was facing the consequences of what my alcoholism was doing to my work productivity and I was in full on resentment and denial about that. I didn't give you all half the story and really, it took a commitment to staying sober, which meant embracing gratitude and catching the feeling of resentment, for me to start to unpack how close I was to my life's possibilities being destroyed. I didn't really start doing that in full, regarding my resentment about my job, until after the first year. I'm really glad I didn't quit my job. I really understand why they say not to make any major changes in your life in the first year. Quitting my job would have been a mistake. It's now taken me two years but I'm getting on with atoning for the years of unreliability. I'm quite sure I'd have been fired, maybe even just a few months after my quit date, had I not become more reliable.
All the while, though, in those earlier days when I was still not completely figuring it out, I was starting to feel a lot better. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, much better than when I was drinking. This gave me new in between moments. I started to perform better at work. I started to get a bit healthier. I became a nicer person, bit by bit, to the people who I love and care for, and who love and care for me. After two years, I've gone from 207 pounds to 160 today. I just go ahead and call that 50
. I'm in the process of now, getting promoted. Seven months into recovery I found out I have a different father (I can't imagine how I'd have handled that drinking - it could have been a disaster for all, and believe me, I wanted to drink for a minute there). I have developed a really nice relationship with this new family and you won't be surprised to hear that they are, many of them, recovering alcoholics.Waking early, feeling sleepy but not groggy, light but not lightheaded, grounded but not heavy, focused but not obsessed, has informed all of my in between moments of the last two years. Remembering what was, while not dwelling on it, and letting go, and forgiving myself, asking for forgiveness, and giving it to others, with no expectations of return, has made my life, by which I mean my in between moments, something more meaningful than I ever imagined. Really. Than I ever imagined. Being of service is something that makes me happy. Putting up with BS is something I just shake my head to and walk away from. Drama is just left over there - it's not mine. If it is, I very carefully examine it, patch it up, and move on.
Every day I'm stronger, for the most part. I'm grateful to learn from others. I learn a lot from coming here and reading, both what people who are long term in recovery, and from those who are still struggling to get sober. I think the day I don't, I will need to go on alert, because getting ahead of myself hasn't worked in the past. That is what being humble is, for me. It's not subservience or self loathing. It's seeing the light instead of the dark and finding the wisdom, in others or in myself, and being grateful for it.
So I'm off for my long weekend and week of doing work that is demanding and rewarding. In a couple of days I will suddenly remember that August 12th has arrived, and I will drink my special blueberry seltzer I've put in my office mini fridge for the occasion. I'm here, because I'm not there.
Getting sober saved my life. I'd be alive, physically, maybe, but my in between moments would be nothing like they are now. Now is much more alive. So, getting sober saved my life. This is long but I hope it speaks to someone. Make your in between moments count.
Love and Gratitude,
bexxed
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 67
Can’t begin to tell you how moving that was. Thank you for sharing this! I’m on day 6 and slowly coming out of the fog. A post like this puts a little steel in my backbone and just keeps me going on the right path. Thank you 
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
"Waking early, feeling sleepy but not groggy, light but not lightheaded, grounded but not heavy, focused but not obsessed, has informed all of my in between moments of the last two years. Remembering what was, while not dwelling on it, and letting go, and forgiving myself, asking for forgiveness, and giving it to others, with no expectations of return, has made my life, by which I mean my in between moments, something more meaningful than I ever imagined. Really. Than I ever imagined. Being of service is something that makes me happy."
Everything you wrote really hit me in a wonderful way, but what I pulled out above? That is where the tears started.
Thank you, bexxed, for sharing this and congratulations on your 2 years.
Everything you wrote really hit me in a wonderful way, but what I pulled out above? That is where the tears started.
Thank you, bexxed, for sharing this and congratulations on your 2 years.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
a moving, emotional share that brought back for me many of my own experiences, fortune, struggles, shame, and ultimately - gratitude for my sobriety.
good for you, bexxed.... and thank you for sharing, for being here amongst us, for continuing to live in sobriety.
good for you, bexxed.... and thank you for sharing, for being here amongst us, for continuing to live in sobriety.
brilliant post
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing this.
This is my new favorite quote:
This is my new favorite quote:
Originally Posted by bexxed
I'm here, because I'm not there.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
You speak to where I've been only too recently. My work is extremely important to me too and I knew I was in real trouble when I started "planning my work around drinking."
100% of your post is moving; I've never printed a post before, but this is one I might just need to keep with me as it so accurately describes essentially what many of us have been through. The stories may be different, but in a way they are all the same.
100% of your post is moving; I've never printed a post before, but this is one I might just need to keep with me as it so accurately describes essentially what many of us have been through. The stories may be different, but in a way they are all the same.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Don't know what to say, bexxed. This resonated so deeply with me. The path to destruction at work, the fixation on drinking, and working this demanding job, but arranging it around the drinking ... all very familiar to me.
And with each month that passes, the accomplishment from work becomes somehow more real and something I can actually be proud of. I got so used to being a fake, even now sometimes I have to actively remember that I am a genuine contributor at work.
Such a moving post. I wish you all the best for the coming week and a bit.
And with each month that passes, the accomplishment from work becomes somehow more real and something I can actually be proud of. I got so used to being a fake, even now sometimes I have to actively remember that I am a genuine contributor at work.
Such a moving post. I wish you all the best for the coming week and a bit.
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