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Big party... starting to freak out!!

Old 07-23-2018, 11:26 AM
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Big party... starting to freak out!!

In a few weeks, my hubby and I are hosting a party to celebrate a big milestone. This party has been planned for over 6 months (prior to me becoming sober) and ďsave the dateĒ went out over 3 months ago. We are expecting close to 100 people.

We have had parties like this before so I know what to expect. Thankfully, we have an intricate party planned with multiple activities that I am in charge of. With that, I know I will be busy with my hosting duties for about 6 hours.

After the activities, the ďNormiesĒ typically leave and that is where my concern lies. My hard partying friends stick around into the wee hours and the serious drinking starts.

Iíve already told my husband that I need an escape plan and have started to generate some ideas. I think itís totally ok to run out for a coffee or a snack or really just to leave the house to catch my breath, even though Iím the host.

He doesnít really understand and thinks I either need to muscle through it or divulge to everybody that Iím an alcoholic. Iím not on board with either of these ideas. I think muscling through is too tempting for me to drink and I donít think have conversations about alcoholism with drunk people is beneficial.

Iím feeling more stressed every day and feel like Iím going to be one uptight, grumpy host by the day of the party.
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Old 07-23-2018, 11:30 AM
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I think your idea to leave during the "hard drinking" portion of the party is a good one. Another possibility is to ask everyone to leave after the activities are done. They can take their hard drinking to someone else's house or a bar just as easily as they can do it at your house. Do you really want that kind of activity happening in your home now that you don't drink?

As far as your husband, it's very difficult ( if not impossible ) to explain addiction to those around us. We barely understand it ourselves. You are under no obligation to tell anyone about your drinking/not drinking - that's a personal decision you've made ( and a good one at that ) and you owe no one an explanation.
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Old 07-23-2018, 11:32 AM
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I would feel the same as you, I wouldn't enjoy time with the hardcore drunks after the normies go home.

I think an escape plan is a great idea or maybe a "migraine" could suddenly appear and you would have to excuse yourself to go to bed!
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Old 07-23-2018, 11:35 AM
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Both of Scott's suggestion are great.

It's not unusual that your husband doesn't understand. It's hard for others to understand how difficult this is for us. This is a time when you need to do what you know is right.
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Old 07-23-2018, 11:42 AM
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Is there anyone close to you- another woman- who could be a kind of asst hostess? Someone like a wingman! Who knows what is going on and can take over whatever is going on with the party for time you need a break? I would have my mom, Godmother or close friend be hat kind of support.
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Old 07-23-2018, 11:57 AM
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That's a tough one. On the other hand it sounds like you may just be able to to make an excuse, not feeling well, and leave when the hardcore drinking starts. Unlikely anyone drinking hardcore would give too much of a thought to that.

I remember you posting previously about your husband's thinking re: sharing the fact that you are an alcoholic. That bothers me. Is it a threat? If it's not a threat why in the world would he think it's a good idea? Sure, might be great for you to say that you don't drinking anymore, doing it for health reasons and feel great etc - but what in the world can be gained by telling your social circle that info? Close friends and family, sure I guess - even that, whose business is it?
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Old 07-23-2018, 12:28 PM
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here's a thought......unless all hard partying guests are overnighting at your home, should any of them leave your residence driving drunk and have an accident OR WORSE, you would be liable. perhaps it's time for new traditions, the one where we put safety first and not let people get rip snorting drunk at our home then hit the roads....................?
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Old 07-23-2018, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
here's a thought......unless all hard partying guests are overnighting at your home, should any of them leave your residence driving drunk and have an accident OR WORSE, you would be liable. perhaps it's time for new traditions, the one where we put safety first and not let people get rip snorting drunk at our home then hit the roads....................?
Thatís a great point. Unfortunately for me (fortunately for their safety) we will be hosting several couples overnight. The ones who are not staying use a ride share service (Uber, lyft)
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Old 07-23-2018, 12:43 PM
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Freaking out is a response an emotional experience wrapped around our thinking.

I don't think we can necessarily just stop our emotional responses , too ingrained , too automatic. Which is at least one of , if not the reason why our emotional responses aren't terribly good guides for action.

We can , however, change our 'thinking' eg looking at an issue from a different angle or perspective, change the framing , add new information and sometimes find some information that belongs in the frame that just didn't make the cut the first time.

You said the party was planned prior to you becoming sober, I doubt that ( my framing here) . Sober is the natural state of being, the party wasn't planned before say kindergarten, yeah ?

The party was planned before you stopped drinking, before you decided to be a nondrinker . Well ,okay, granted, but does/will that change your decision? , do you want it to ?

Freaking out happens, can't be avoided, unlike drinking ( definitely avoidable ) , but freaking out can be a little miss placed or directed at the wrong thing or fit into a better framing , yeah ?

Sure an event like that can bring with it being 'tempted' ( an emotional response,btw) but so what , being tempted or not being tempted isn't what makes us nondrinkers, our decisions are .

Don't freak out because you're freaking out , breath you got this
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Old 07-23-2018, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post

I remember you posting previously about your husband's thinking re: sharing the fact that you are an alcoholic. That bothers me. Is it a threat? If it's not a threat why in the world would he think it's a good idea? Sure, might be great for you to say that you don't drinking anymore, doing it for health reasons and feel great etc - but what in the world can be gained by telling your social circle that info? Close friends and family, sure I guess - even that, whose business is it?
Yes, my husband is quite the over sharer. He always has been and I donít think Iíll ever be able to change that about him. I always have considered it is due to his own social anxiety and his lack of social awareness/boundaries. I donít think his intent is malicious, just strongly misguided. When heís sober I can get him to understand my perspective but when heís drunk itís a whole different story.

We have a family member who has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness and we were asked to just keep it between us. The family member only told a few close family members, not even the entire immediate family. My husband has since informed everyone-all while heís been drinking-to include my small children.

Maddening as heck, completely misguided, but unable to be corrected.
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Old 07-23-2018, 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by dwtbd View Post

You said the party was planned prior to you becoming sober, I doubt that ( my framing here) . Sober is the natural state of being, the party wasn't planned before say kindergarten, yeah ?

The party was planned before you stopped drinking, before you decided to be a nondrinker . Well ,okay, granted, but does/will that change your decision? , do you want it to ?

Freaking out happens, can't be avoided, unlike drinking ( definitely avoidable ) , but freaking out can be a little miss placed or directed at the wrong thing or fit into a better framing , yeah ?

Sure an event like that can bring with it being 'tempted' ( an emotional response,btw) but so what , being tempted or not being tempted isn't what makes us nondrinkers, our decisions are .

Don't freak out because you're freaking out , breath you got this
I like your perspective! This is definitely an emotional response to the party. I tend to overthink situations and get myself worked up before the situation even occurs. I still think itís safer to have an escape plan. Thank you!

And I have no desire to change my mind about being a non drinker. I donít ever want to go back to that!
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Old 07-23-2018, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
I think your idea to leave during the "hard drinking" portion of the party is a good one. Another possibility is to ask everyone to leave after the activities are done. They can take their hard drinking to someone else's house or a bar just as easily as they can do it at your house. Do you really want that kind of activity happening in your home now that you don't drink?

As far as your husband, it's very difficult ( if not impossible ) to explain addiction to those around us. We barely understand it ourselves. You are under no obligation to tell anyone about your drinking/not drinking - that's a personal decision you've made ( and a good one at that ) and you owe no one an explanation.
Thanks Scott. My husband would never allow me to be rude enough to ask people to leave!! He has very strong opinions on what it means to be social. Misguided, but strong opinions. I really donít want to have ďthat kind of partyĒ but there is no changing this one. We are quite popular for hosting ďthat kind of partyĒ. I was able to convince hubby to cancel our holiday party this year, much to his dismay and our friends, but I donít care about their feelings.
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Old 07-23-2018, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12 View Post
I would feel the same as you, I wouldn't enjoy time with the hardcore drunks after the normies go home.

I think an escape plan is a great idea or maybe a "migraine" could suddenly appear and you would have to excuse yourself to go to bed!
I do get migraines so that could be a very handy excuse!!
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Old 07-23-2018, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
Is there anyone close to you- another woman- who could be a kind of asst hostess? Someone like a wingman! Who knows what is going on and can take over whatever is going on with the party for time you need a break? I would have my mom, Godmother or close friend be hat kind of support.
I do have a friend that will help but she is one of my heavy drinking friends. She will do anything I ask but itís hard to be with her socially because we were great drinking buddies.
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Old 07-23-2018, 01:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Both of Scott's suggestion are great.

It's not unusual that your husband doesn't understand. It's hard for others to understand how difficult this is for us. This is a time when you need to do what you know is right.
I know itís hard for him to understand. I grew up with an alcoholic parent who quit drinking when I was 7 and joined AA. I remember going to some meetings with my parent, listening to the friend group talk about addiction, alcohol, etc and still didnít ďget itĒ until I started my own journey...30+ years later. I still donít even entirely ďget itĒ but I do understand that I cannot make anyone else understand or change their ways.
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Old 07-23-2018, 01:12 PM
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I think going forward and since your husband sounds problematic, you could just leave the parties to him.

Take a weekend at the beach instead.

Yeah I know that sounds like WW3, but why is what he wants more important than what you want?

As far as this upcoming party, I don't see why you can't excuse yourself up to your room at any time after the, "activities." Leave the drinkers to fend for themselves - your husband can be in charge of drinking activities. If he's not willing to accept that kind of solution then your problem is a lot bigger than you not drinking.

FWIW, I don't care if people know I used to drink too much and I've quit. They'll think what they want, regardless of the spin I might try to put on it.
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Old 07-23-2018, 01:16 PM
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I had to do my brother's 40th recently. A whole day session in the pub with family, friends, everyone drinking.

A really long meditation before hand help me a lot, and I also had a couple of self-care days leading up to it. Not letting stress creep in and doing tons of walking. I know that might be harder for you as it's your party but try and factor in some of that stuff into the run up, as it will help you manage this from a place of calm.

I also concentrated on how awful everyone looked once they's had a few drinks. They started to look distorted and we speaking utter rubbish. That helped me tap into some grateful thinking. A safety/exit strategy also sounds like a good plan. Try not to worry too much in the run up......you can do this!
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Old 07-23-2018, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Atlast9999 View Post
Yes, my husband is quite the over sharer. He always has been and I donít think Iíll ever be able to change that about him. I always have considered it is due to his own social anxiety and his lack of social awareness/boundaries. I donít think his intent is malicious, just strongly misguided. When heís sober I can get him to understand my perspective but when heís drunk itís a whole different story.

We have a family member who has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness and we were asked to just keep it between us. The family member only told a few close family members, not even the entire immediate family. My husband has since informed everyone-all while heís been drinking-to include my small children.

Maddening as heck, completely misguided, but unable to be corrected.
I have a family member exactly like that - he's well-meaning, loving etc but just has very very different boundaries than most of us.

That said I just want to re-emphasize to you that just because your man has that perspective on the world does not mean that you have to. I know you said that you aren't on board with telling everyone you are an alcoholic so you aren't looking for advice. I just want to tell you that I completely agree with the fruitlessness of that move.

It's also a reason I hate the term itself - alcoholic.
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Old 07-23-2018, 01:40 PM
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re term
Yeah , I don't drink, I refuse to be one, I'm just a common teetotaler
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Old 07-25-2018, 04:35 AM
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I sometimes plan something for the next day after a do that "there's no way I want to be hungover for". Usually something early so drinking would be a massively bad idea.
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