Gabe1980

I'm freaking out a bit. I'm due to go to my first AA meeting tonight, in two hours. I went to find the hall and went back to work. I saw two clients that I work with standing outside the hall. I work in a family support service and I been working supporting them and their families. I suddenly felt very vulnerable. There are only 7000 folk on the group of islands I live on and it's impossible to be anonymous here. Totally impossible and I'm not sure I can do this unless I am confident that I am.

I'm thinking of going home and starting online AA meetings and getting an online sponsor.

I don't know if I'm just being a coward, if how I feel is legitimate or if online meetings are a good idea.

I want to be strong enought to say **** it - I just don't care but in relatity I do care and I think this could start making me really paranoid.

I'm just confused now. Thank you. Rachel xx

We are moving in March, back to an urban area. I think online might be ok until I am in a place that I can not have to feel like this.

Gabe1980

Ok - freaking out a bit less. I feel like I have a decent plan.
I've signed up for online meetings. There are also online sponsors but the wonderful Venuscat has offered to give me a little inital guidance with beginning the steps and I'll keep posting here and the 12-steps forum. I had worked my plan around regular meetings, so I am going to look at that again tonight to fit in with online meetings. I have a private room in the house to have everything set up. I also made contact with an AA chap here, who has offered to meet for a coffee, so I feel good about doing that.

Phew - this is really hard. Epecially because what I was doing wasn't working and I know my addiction will do everything it can to sabotage my efforts. It's hard to know what's legitimate thinking and what is just AV bs.

If I need more than this then I will get it. Rach xx

DarklingSong

I think its a really tough call Gabe. I am sure many will say it is AV keeping you away but I can only say I couldn't go to AA for the same reason. The circumstances of my life would mean it couldn't be anonymous. I would love to have gone this time to be honest. I think AA online is a great idea. I would love to know how you get on because I might try that too.
Best wishes,
Darkling Song

Gabe1980

Hey. Yeah - I know, I think I'll get a mixed response of anwers, which is fair enough, I'm having a conflicted repsonse in myself. For me, I want to be able to share my experiences and to be able to really be honest. I don't think that's doable in my current situation but I don't know for sure. I think a coffee and a chat with this chap might help.

I'll post later tonight about the online meeting. The folks on the site have been super helpful and I'm optimistic it might be just the thing for me to move forward.

biminiblue

What's also good is the online Recovery Speakers - tons of great "speeches" on various sites.

Here's one (I haven't tried it, just Googled)

https://www.recoveryaudio.org/

I know there are also a lot of AA speakers on YouTube.

courage2

In your particular position and for now, your course sounds legit to me -- it's all going to be a question of do you follow your plan to the hilt, and do you add to it when things get wobbly.

A recovery plan isn't judged on paper. It's a work in progress and a process of asking yourself every single day, "am I doing whatever it takes to stay sober?"

Stay close to SR, too -- there's always someone here.

thomas11

I don't blame you for wanting to preserve professional integrity. Do the online stuff until you move is an acceptable alternative in my opinion.

Gabe1980

Thanks Bim, I've got the next couple of days off so I'm going to really get stuck into all of this and set up a good routine for myself. The site I have found is this one

https://aachats.org/aa-meetings-online/

There is a meeting at 8pm, so I'm just trying to make sure I'm set up. Nice positive feelings of anticipation coming back now

Gabe1980

Thanks Courage2, I'm starting to really realise what the work means now, I think! I felt so awful earlier because I'd started to build everything around these meetings and committing to going. I'm hoping I get as much from the online meetings and I know working through the steps will be a daily commitment to work too....I need to do it.

If I want this enough I have to put the work in. There are no two ways about that. I've been messing about until now, that's why I can't stay sober.

Anna

Gabe, I think you are working to find the best path for you at this time. And, it sounds like you've come up with a good plan. I'm glad you're feeling good about your choice.

Gabe1980

Thanks Thomas. I feel better about having decided on an alternative and the online AA site looks really good. I still would prefer to meet live people but it will come..

Plenny

I think that it sounds like you’re doing smart things. I can tell you that I’ve told a few people in my very new home group where I work and it’s a bit of a small town and everyone loves my restaurant. I know I had good intentions but that feeling of losing a bit of anonymity is a bit uncomfortable. So I bet in your field it is really uncomfortable. As long as you are easing in and getting that support you need it’s totally ok to do it within the parameters which make you feel safe.

Gabe1980

Thanks Anna. It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster today but I'm feeling really positive again. I have good energy back!

Gabe1980

Thanks Plenny. I feel so much better just acknowledging that it is huge concern for me and that actually, it may well stop me from fully embracing the program. It really sucks, in lots of ways, but I'm trying to be grateful for every avenue of support I do have.....mainly all of you!!

I hope that sharing about your work is handled with care by the folks in your group. It's nice to know they love your food x

tomsteve

something to think about:
those 2 people are there to get help. they want anonymity,too, on that small island.

Gabe1980

I know, I've been thinking about it but I wouldn't be able to share with them there and then work with them too. It's hard and it sucks really. For me and for them. I know it would be really uncomfortable for them too. Thanks TS, I was hoping you'd give me a counter view x

biminiblue

The lack of anonymity was something that bothered me too.

Within three weeks of starting AA I had enough things happen regarding privacy/disclosure that I knew not to share very much of my story. I still have to live and work with people, and I felt very much like you do. Sharing in meetings can be as vague or as specific as I want. I kept it very "general." Personal and private stuff is best shared with a therapist or spiritual counselor, IMO.

My downstairs neighbor was in the dental field and she went to meetings 20 miles away. She wasn't secretive with people she knew in general, she just didn't want to see her patients at meetings. There are a lot of boundary issues with AA.

You can make the program work for you without meetings. I use a lot of their principles and just find fellowship elsewhere.

DarklingSong

Thanks for starting the discussion Gabe. I have really been grappling with this too. I am reading the big book and will check out the links suggested in the replies to you. I too still feel torn though because in this last year I have started to understand the power of the steps and imagine it would be really helpful.

Gabe1980

I hadn't even occurred to me that I might not have to share everything! I just assumed it was a full disclosure kind of thing. It's a lot to consider in a group of people you don't know yet. I need to think about that as maybe there is a way to be part of the group but keep boundaries with really personal disclosure.

I just had my first online meeting - really enjoyed it, I think that it may just be fine after all. Thanks for your input, as always Bim xx

Gabe1980

Hey DS. I'm starting to think the steps are completely transformative and the more I read the most excited (and slightly terrified I feel!) I think that is you have a sense of something spiritual a work in your own life and development then the steps make a lot of sense. Check out the AA chat room. I really enjoyed it tonight and we could maybe go through the process at the same time. There are lots of options. I didn't realise that. So don't think it can't be done if you can't attend meetings in person. Rach xx