Just broke up with my abf.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 5
Just broke up with my abf.
Hi all, first time posting here although I've been lurking for months.
I met my hf abf last summer after going through a bad breakup with my now ex partner who cheated on me the whole time we were together. I was looking for fun and casual dating and met him. He pulled me in with his kindness, generosity, intelligence and overall fun personality. It quickly became clear to me my new bf had an issue with alcohol and eventually that he was an alcoholic. We took a break for a month, but ultimately I kept seeing him because I liked him, he was fun, and I told myself it was not serious. And truthfully after being in such a toxic relationship with my ex he helped me with my sanity and I felt safe with him. But he did confide his issues eventually - he had gotten in trouble with a DUI (2nd within 10 years) and the day he was to enter a month long IP treatment program, he got another DUI. Ultimately he attended treatment. I visited him - all his close friends and family are in another state. He later had to go to jail for 2 months and I visited him then - at home as he was able to do work release as he owns his own business. Got whiskey plates and interlock device.
After he got back from treatment, I was visiting and he was already drinking on NYE - just a few days later. I was very clear at that point that I would not be around him when drinking and that I did not accept drinking and driving. Also that I wouldn't monitor him. Not my job. I have been seeing a therapist since last year due to the issues with my ex and he has helped me get to the point of being able figure out my boundaries and be able to communicate them.
Since NYE, bf has been sober when I am there. I was very hopeful he would be successful, even understanding I was going into a riskier relationship. And things have been great these past months. We had great plans for the summer and he's shown me new fun outdoor things I hadn't done before. I was excited for the relationship. There was one time he asked if he should get some champagne and I immediately was asking why, what was he thinking? I didn't understand why he would risk all his hard work. We didn't get it.
But in early June, something changed. He had a couple young guys (we are early 40s) over for a few weeks - he takes in "strays" if you will - and ended up hiring them even though he had no need or plan to hire. But seems like he started partying with them too. He also had a family tragedy occur during this time. I haven't seen him in almost two months. The communication went from talking multiple times a day to a once or twice a week if that. When I wanted to go see him (I usually see him every other weekend due to my schedule with kids and our distance apart) he asked me not to come - I was starting to feel like his place was my home away from home so all this was very hurtful.
Ultimately, for whatever reason - doesn't really matter although I believe his anxiety/stress got the best of him - I'm sure he's relapsing hard and doesn't want me to see him. He actually tried to get me to "understand and be patient" but wouldn't actually tell me anything that was going on. Very bad with communicating his issues and denying it's due to drinking. He said it's not just me he's withdrawing from but he'd send me pics of him doing fun things with these young guys. Without me. After two months of that, not seeing me, hardly talking to me or texting me, I had to break up with him over email.
I really had no choice. He gave me a 3 sentence response that he would reach out when things were settled. I'm both hoping he will and hoping he won't and understanding that might be never. Or at least a very long time.
It's all so painful. It's a 180. What happened to my fun, sweet guy who spoiled me and couldn't wait to see me? Who is now acting like a 20 year old frat boy. Ugh. So sad. What a waste of a life. I understand it's all up to him. I'm just very sad and hurt. At first, I had a bunch of excuses but the only thing that makes sense with the sudden change is he's drinking (and he's sent me photos with a beer or wine in hand but denying he "has drinking issues". ) Mainly, I worry he will die or will kill someone else. I know I still will, but hopefully it will lessen.
I just needed to get this out to those who have gone through this and understand. It's hard to tell my friends and family although I have confided in a couple close friends. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
This site, my therapist and reading a lot have all helped me a lot with having some boundaries in this relationship and keeping my sanity so thanks for being here!
I met my hf abf last summer after going through a bad breakup with my now ex partner who cheated on me the whole time we were together. I was looking for fun and casual dating and met him. He pulled me in with his kindness, generosity, intelligence and overall fun personality. It quickly became clear to me my new bf had an issue with alcohol and eventually that he was an alcoholic. We took a break for a month, but ultimately I kept seeing him because I liked him, he was fun, and I told myself it was not serious. And truthfully after being in such a toxic relationship with my ex he helped me with my sanity and I felt safe with him. But he did confide his issues eventually - he had gotten in trouble with a DUI (2nd within 10 years) and the day he was to enter a month long IP treatment program, he got another DUI. Ultimately he attended treatment. I visited him - all his close friends and family are in another state. He later had to go to jail for 2 months and I visited him then - at home as he was able to do work release as he owns his own business. Got whiskey plates and interlock device.
After he got back from treatment, I was visiting and he was already drinking on NYE - just a few days later. I was very clear at that point that I would not be around him when drinking and that I did not accept drinking and driving. Also that I wouldn't monitor him. Not my job. I have been seeing a therapist since last year due to the issues with my ex and he has helped me get to the point of being able figure out my boundaries and be able to communicate them.
Since NYE, bf has been sober when I am there. I was very hopeful he would be successful, even understanding I was going into a riskier relationship. And things have been great these past months. We had great plans for the summer and he's shown me new fun outdoor things I hadn't done before. I was excited for the relationship. There was one time he asked if he should get some champagne and I immediately was asking why, what was he thinking? I didn't understand why he would risk all his hard work. We didn't get it.
But in early June, something changed. He had a couple young guys (we are early 40s) over for a few weeks - he takes in "strays" if you will - and ended up hiring them even though he had no need or plan to hire. But seems like he started partying with them too. He also had a family tragedy occur during this time. I haven't seen him in almost two months. The communication went from talking multiple times a day to a once or twice a week if that. When I wanted to go see him (I usually see him every other weekend due to my schedule with kids and our distance apart) he asked me not to come - I was starting to feel like his place was my home away from home so all this was very hurtful.
Ultimately, for whatever reason - doesn't really matter although I believe his anxiety/stress got the best of him - I'm sure he's relapsing hard and doesn't want me to see him. He actually tried to get me to "understand and be patient" but wouldn't actually tell me anything that was going on. Very bad with communicating his issues and denying it's due to drinking. He said it's not just me he's withdrawing from but he'd send me pics of him doing fun things with these young guys. Without me. After two months of that, not seeing me, hardly talking to me or texting me, I had to break up with him over email.
I really had no choice. He gave me a 3 sentence response that he would reach out when things were settled. I'm both hoping he will and hoping he won't and understanding that might be never. Or at least a very long time.It's all so painful. It's a 180. What happened to my fun, sweet guy who spoiled me and couldn't wait to see me? Who is now acting like a 20 year old frat boy. Ugh. So sad. What a waste of a life. I understand it's all up to him. I'm just very sad and hurt. At first, I had a bunch of excuses but the only thing that makes sense with the sudden change is he's drinking (and he's sent me photos with a beer or wine in hand but denying he "has drinking issues". ) Mainly, I worry he will die or will kill someone else. I know I still will, but hopefully it will lessen.
I just needed to get this out to those who have gone through this and understand. It's hard to tell my friends and family although I have confided in a couple close friends. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
This site, my therapist and reading a lot have all helped me a lot with having some boundaries in this relationship and keeping my sanity so thanks for being here!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Riverbend.....Yes, I have suffered great heartbreak.....words can't describe how deep the pain went.....
But, I healed, after a time...and, later met the most wonderful person who became my husband.....
I am so grateful that the forces of the Universe cut me free from the one who hurt me.....
But, I healed, after a time...and, later met the most wonderful person who became my husband.....
I am so grateful that the forces of the Universe cut me free from the one who hurt me.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Riverbend.
Welcome
Very sorry for your sadness and pain.
I hope that in time your sadness will lessen and you will heal.
You did the right thing. He is not in a position to have a healthy relationship at this time.
Welcome
Very sorry for your sadness and pain.
I hope that in time your sadness will lessen and you will heal.
You did the right thing. He is not in a position to have a healthy relationship at this time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
How hurtful
He has done what they all do. Chosen beer over everything else. Over you.
You set boundaries and he can’t stick to them so he’s avoiding you.
Trust me...it’s better than the alternative of being stuck with it 24 x 7. That really can destroy your life.
He has done what they all do. Chosen beer over everything else. Over you.
You set boundaries and he can’t stick to them so he’s avoiding you.
Trust me...it’s better than the alternative of being stuck with it 24 x 7. That really can destroy your life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi and welcome to SR, glad you decided to post.
It's a terrible time, I know. I'm sure you are feeling very sad and as you said, what the heck happened.
You mention you have read around a lot here and the thing is, thankfully you have those boundaries! You were clear that you would not be around him if he was drinking, he has chosen to drink.
He's an alcoholic and you probably know that the drive to drink outweighs all other things. Sounds to me like he would probably like you in his life but knows that can't be with alcohol and he WANTS it and needs it.
It also sounds like he has some idea he can come walking back in when he has had enough of this particular party. I wouldn't wait for that, you deserve much better than that, i'm sure you already know that.
It's a terrible time, I know. I'm sure you are feeling very sad and as you said, what the heck happened.
You mention you have read around a lot here and the thing is, thankfully you have those boundaries! You were clear that you would not be around him if he was drinking, he has chosen to drink.
He's an alcoholic and you probably know that the drive to drink outweighs all other things. Sounds to me like he would probably like you in his life but knows that can't be with alcohol and he WANTS it and needs it.
It also sounds like he has some idea he can come walking back in when he has had enough of this particular party. I wouldn't wait for that, you deserve much better than that, i'm sure you already know that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 5
Thanks for al the support! I always want to see the good in people and give them a chance. And my boyfriend has so many good qualities - but they are all overshadowed by this disease. I was so hopeful but needed to get off this roller coaster. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What happened to my fun, sweet guy who spoiled me and couldn't wait to see me?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
RB,
Glad you finally posted. Yes, having any type of relationship with an addict is painful. Count your blessings that you haven't wasted 34 of your years with an addict as I did. It is not fun to love an addict.
I am sure you haven't heard the last from him. He will again, hit is rock bottom, and want you to save him again. What is your plan? Have you cut ties, email, phone, social media.
He will come calling, just have a plan in place. His addiction is a one man show. Let him figure out his problem. ((((((((hugs))))))))
Glad you finally posted. Yes, having any type of relationship with an addict is painful. Count your blessings that you haven't wasted 34 of your years with an addict as I did. It is not fun to love an addict.
I am sure you haven't heard the last from him. He will again, hit is rock bottom, and want you to save him again. What is your plan? Have you cut ties, email, phone, social media.
He will come calling, just have a plan in place. His addiction is a one man show. Let him figure out his problem. ((((((((hugs))))))))
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