He is at it again...Need Advice Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
He is at it again...Need Advice Please
My STBAXH is at it again. Last week he sent me a text stating that he was suppose to get my boys for my youngest birthday. Nowhere does it state on our current mediation agreement anything about birthdays.
I turned off my cell for about 24 hours. I turned it on about an hour ago. I received a text from him saying
"I want to take a trip with the boys on Saturday like we agreed....I got two....I want to let you know that's what I want to do with them. Let me know what time I can bring them back."
Backstory:
We went to trial for our divorce back in April. We came to an agreement with everything such as assets and kids. Before trial we agreed he would get two trips a year, time for those days are 8am-7pm. No overnights at all. Plus all the stipulations I added such as no alcohol 12 hours before, during, no alcohol on premises, alcohol testing etc. We are now waiting for my lawyer to type everything up. We both review it, both sign it, judge to sign it and court clerk to process it so we are not divorced yet. There is no current court-order (which would be divorce decree) set yet with updated agreement.
We have been following our mediation agreement from last year because that is the only thing valid at this point which is signed by judge and processed by court. Which states he has visitations from 9am-2pm on 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends. A holiday schedule as well. This weekend is his weekend with them.
He once again has came out of the blue with him now thinking that he can take my boys on trips yet. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I told him after trial that we still have to stick to mediation agreement until judge signs updated agreement.
It made me sick to my stomach reading his text. I have implied limited contact via text only. In the back of my mind, I'm telling myself I should have never agreed to letting him take them out of town even for the day but I'm trying to be reasonable. I immediately began to cry when I read his text because I just don't understand why he is trying to cause problems or make waves. I do worry that he will try to take my boys out of town on Saturday and not return them. He is still very active in his alcoholism. I'm 99.9% sure when he sent me this text he was already under the influence.
Advice on how to respond to his text would be appreciated.
I turned off my cell for about 24 hours. I turned it on about an hour ago. I received a text from him saying
"I want to take a trip with the boys on Saturday like we agreed....I got two....I want to let you know that's what I want to do with them. Let me know what time I can bring them back."
Backstory:
We went to trial for our divorce back in April. We came to an agreement with everything such as assets and kids. Before trial we agreed he would get two trips a year, time for those days are 8am-7pm. No overnights at all. Plus all the stipulations I added such as no alcohol 12 hours before, during, no alcohol on premises, alcohol testing etc. We are now waiting for my lawyer to type everything up. We both review it, both sign it, judge to sign it and court clerk to process it so we are not divorced yet. There is no current court-order (which would be divorce decree) set yet with updated agreement.
We have been following our mediation agreement from last year because that is the only thing valid at this point which is signed by judge and processed by court. Which states he has visitations from 9am-2pm on 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends. A holiday schedule as well. This weekend is his weekend with them.
He once again has came out of the blue with him now thinking that he can take my boys on trips yet. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I told him after trial that we still have to stick to mediation agreement until judge signs updated agreement.
It made me sick to my stomach reading his text. I have implied limited contact via text only. In the back of my mind, I'm telling myself I should have never agreed to letting him take them out of town even for the day but I'm trying to be reasonable. I immediately began to cry when I read his text because I just don't understand why he is trying to cause problems or make waves. I do worry that he will try to take my boys out of town on Saturday and not return them. He is still very active in his alcoholism. I'm 99.9% sure when he sent me this text he was already under the influence.
Advice on how to respond to his text would be appreciated.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi mamabear! Although I have no experience from which I can share, just reading what you wrote, the only enforceable agreement is the one currently in place.
In that agreement, he in no way is allowed to take the boys for a weekend yet.
If it were me (and take that with a grain of salt), I think I would just say that until the new agreement is in place, I am sticking to the current agreement. I'm sorry, you can't take the boys yet.
This must be so stressful, and I am sorry!! Breathe...you've got this!
In that agreement, he in no way is allowed to take the boys for a weekend yet.
If it were me (and take that with a grain of salt), I think I would just say that until the new agreement is in place, I am sticking to the current agreement. I'm sorry, you can't take the boys yet.
This must be so stressful, and I am sorry!! Breathe...you've got this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Seren 
Hi mamabear! Although I have no experience from which I can share, just reading what you wrote, the only enforceable agreement is the one currently in place.
In that agreement, he in no way is allowed to take the boys for a weekend yet.
If it were me (and take that with a grain of salt), I think I would just say that until the new agreement is in place, I am sticking to the current agreement. I'm sorry, you can't take the boys yet.
This must be so stressful, and I am sorry!! Breathe...you've got this!
In that agreement, he in no way is allowed to take the boys for a weekend yet.
If it were me (and take that with a grain of salt), I think I would just say that until the new agreement is in place, I am sticking to the current agreement. I'm sorry, you can't take the boys yet.
This must be so stressful, and I am sorry!! Breathe...you've got this!
I want to reply:
"There is no court-order set in place for updated agreement yet. I will be there to pick up boys at 2pm Saturday and Sunday."
I hate this. I don't want to make things worse but he has to learn there are guidelines to follow. I'm so nervous for Saturday now. I've been doing very well having little to no contact with him but he has to always try to draw me into a conversation with him. I'm now super worried for my boys who knows what condition he has been in lately. From what I can tell his alcoholism is getting progressively worse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Seren
mamabear 
Others will be along soon who can speak from their own custody experiences. Believe me, you are not alone in this experience
Others will be along soon who can speak from their own custody experiences. Believe me, you are not alone in this experience
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mamabear….giving in to a person like him is what makes things even worse.....having firm and unyielding boundaries is the only thing that can give you any "control" in the situation.
I like the statement you want to send. Short and to the point.
He sounds like a real mess...and, I think that you can expect him to push...push...push...until he gets what he wants....
the only response to that is brickwall strength boundaries....
Why not call your lawyer and find out what to do if he should take the boys out of town or n ot return them...…(call the police?)…..
I am not a lawyer and don't want to give you any specific advice....but, I think you should have a plan....with some teeth in it.....
It sounds like you have, almost, ptsd type reaction to him, from your fear of being unable to deal with him....do you have a therapist that you can call when this kind of thing happens? You sure do need someone....
I like the statement you want to send. Short and to the point.
He sounds like a real mess...and, I think that you can expect him to push...push...push...until he gets what he wants....
the only response to that is brickwall strength boundaries....
Why not call your lawyer and find out what to do if he should take the boys out of town or n ot return them...…(call the police?)…..
I am not a lawyer and don't want to give you any specific advice....but, I think you should have a plan....with some teeth in it.....
It sounds like you have, almost, ptsd type reaction to him, from your fear of being unable to deal with him....do you have a therapist that you can call when this kind of thing happens? You sure do need someone....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear….giving in to a person like him is what makes things even worse.....having firm and unyielding boundaries is the only thing that can give you any "control" in the situation.
I like the statement you want to send. Short and to the point.
He sounds like a real mess...and, I think that you can expect him to push...push...push...until he gets what he wants....
the only response to that is brickwall strength boundaries....
Why not call your lawyer and find out what to do if he should take the boys out of town or n ot return them...…(call the police?)…..
I am not a lawyer and don't want to give you any specific advice....but, I think you should have a plan....with some teeth in it.....
It sounds like you have, almost, ptsd type reaction to him, from your fear of being unable to deal with him....do you have a therapist that you can call when this kind of thing happens? You sure do need someone....
I like the statement you want to send. Short and to the point.
He sounds like a real mess...and, I think that you can expect him to push...push...push...until he gets what he wants....
the only response to that is brickwall strength boundaries....
Why not call your lawyer and find out what to do if he should take the boys out of town or n ot return them...…(call the police?)…..
I am not a lawyer and don't want to give you any specific advice....but, I think you should have a plan....with some teeth in it.....
It sounds like you have, almost, ptsd type reaction to him, from your fear of being unable to deal with him....do you have a therapist that you can call when this kind of thing happens? You sure do need someone....
I have been seeing the same therapist for the last few years. There is a program at my work where I get 6 free sessions a year. I have already used up my 6 this year.
I do agree I have PTSD. I've noticed that as well that when he tries to contact me regarding kids I reactive very emptional. I sometimes need to get the tears out of the way then refocus on how to approach the situation correctly.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mamabear...I am not saying that you actually HAVE ptsd….as in DSM Five criteria...I am just saying that you have extreme anxiety, by your description.... and, that is a horrible situation to be in....
You could probably get some free or very low cost counseling through your local domestic violence organization or a free support group, through them....you sound like someone who has suffered emotional abuse...which can leave scars as much as being hit.....there are many kinds of abuse....
there is also alanon which is also a support group.....
don't go without support because you believe that there is none...…
There are many techniques that can help anxiety...like meditation...and guided imagery, as well as maybe, some kinds of temporary medication from your family doctor or a psychiatrist...…
Many people on this forum could share with you what has helped them with their anxiety.....just need to make a thread to ask.....
You could probably get some free or very low cost counseling through your local domestic violence organization or a free support group, through them....you sound like someone who has suffered emotional abuse...which can leave scars as much as being hit.....there are many kinds of abuse....
there is also alanon which is also a support group.....
don't go without support because you believe that there is none...…
There are many techniques that can help anxiety...like meditation...and guided imagery, as well as maybe, some kinds of temporary medication from your family doctor or a psychiatrist...…
Many people on this forum could share with you what has helped them with their anxiety.....just need to make a thread to ask.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
his initial text asked what time to bring the boys back. why not just say 2pm?? i understand not trusting him farther than you can throw him, but did he REALLY suggest anything sinister here? he wants to do something with his kids on saturday..........and wants to know what time to return them. try being direct, answer the question asked, and not look for hidden ulterior motives......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear...I am not saying that you actually HAVE ptsd….as in DSM Five criteria...I am just saying that you have extreme anxiety, by your description.... and, that is a horrible situation to be in....
You could probably get some free or very low cost counseling through your local domestic violence organization or a free support group, through them....you sound like someone who has suffered emotional abuse...which can leave scars as much as being hit.....there are many kinds of abuse....
there is also alanon which is also a support group.....
don't go without support because you believe that there is none...…
There are many techniques that can help anxiety...like meditation...and guided imagery, as well as maybe, some kinds of temporary medication from your family doctor or a psychiatrist...…
Many people on this forum could share with you what has helped them with their anxiety.....just need to make a thread to ask.....
You could probably get some free or very low cost counseling through your local domestic violence organization or a free support group, through them....you sound like someone who has suffered emotional abuse...which can leave scars as much as being hit.....there are many kinds of abuse....
there is also alanon which is also a support group.....
don't go without support because you believe that there is none...…
There are many techniques that can help anxiety...like meditation...and guided imagery, as well as maybe, some kinds of temporary medication from your family doctor or a psychiatrist...…
Many people on this forum could share with you what has helped them with their anxiety.....just need to make a thread to ask.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
his initial text asked what time to bring the boys back. why not just say 2pm?? i understand not trusting him farther than you can throw him, but did he REALLY suggest anything sinister here? he wants to do something with his kids on saturday..........and wants to know what time to return them. try being direct, answer the question asked, and not look for hidden ulterior motives......
That is a good idea to just answer the pick up time. However, I know he will come back with but "I get to take them on a trip twice a year." Then I will have to come back with "its not a court-order yet."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by CCL
I think you should bring your lawyer up to speed and ask them. Crap like this can turn into a real ugly habit real fast if you don't nip it early.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Originally Posted by mamabear26
Honestly, I'm not at all happy with my lawyer. Everytime I try to explain what's going on he cuts me off. He really doesn't provide me with any help at all. Especially on how to properly protect my children through this divorce. The stipulations were added because I requested them. Not because he advised me on them.
I can't remember, have you contacted a domestic abuse organization in your area? I ask because they may be able to refer you to a lawyer with more experience in these types of cases.
You need as many people in your support group as you can muster and your lawyer should be close to the top of the list, not someone you have to drag along.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, when you said "We are now waiting for my lawyer to type everything up" and mentioned you have been in trial in April I was thinking - how long does that take!
I can't remember, have you contacted a domestic abuse organization in your area? I ask because they may be able to refer you to a lawyer with more experience in these types of cases.
You need as many people in your support group as you can muster and your lawyer should be close to the top of the list, not someone you have to drag along.
I can't remember, have you contacted a domestic abuse organization in your area? I ask because they may be able to refer you to a lawyer with more experience in these types of cases.
You need as many people in your support group as you can muster and your lawyer should be close to the top of the list, not someone you have to drag along.
As for getting a new lawyer at this point. I think it might be more of a hassle. I would then have to go back to court as to get a new lawyer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
****Update****
I sent my X a text saying "Final judgement order has not been signed and processed by court. Therefore, there is no court-order with updated agreement. I will be there to pick up boys at 2pm on Saturday and Sunday."
He then responded: "Have you asked to see when paperwork will be done?"
I responded "I don't know"
This is the same man who didn't want to turn in paperwork for a year regarding our divorce and suddenly he is so interested into when the paperwork will be done.
As part of our divorce agreement. He will not help pay any legal fees so basically I am paying for this divorce by myself. I borrowed money from my grandmother to pay my lawyer a $5000 retainer fee because I heard he was one of the best. I haven't had a pleasant experience with him. My mom has helped me pay $2000 and I have maxed out my credit card of $2000 from all paperwork processed up to this point. I still have an outstanding bill of $600 which I have been trying to pay off. I cant even imagine when paper work for divorce settlement is done it will be another at least $1000 added which I don't have. I'm stressed on another level.
He continues to drive a knife in my back. He lied, cheated, neglected(s) kids, still continues to abuse alcohol but expects to get everything he wants handed to him. His text was just a way to get my attention because he knows damn well that he hasn't received anything from my lawyer or court about our divorce settlement. Its all a game for him.
I sent my X a text saying "Final judgement order has not been signed and processed by court. Therefore, there is no court-order with updated agreement. I will be there to pick up boys at 2pm on Saturday and Sunday."
He then responded: "Have you asked to see when paperwork will be done?"
I responded "I don't know"
This is the same man who didn't want to turn in paperwork for a year regarding our divorce and suddenly he is so interested into when the paperwork will be done.
As part of our divorce agreement. He will not help pay any legal fees so basically I am paying for this divorce by myself. I borrowed money from my grandmother to pay my lawyer a $5000 retainer fee because I heard he was one of the best. I haven't had a pleasant experience with him. My mom has helped me pay $2000 and I have maxed out my credit card of $2000 from all paperwork processed up to this point. I still have an outstanding bill of $600 which I have been trying to pay off. I cant even imagine when paper work for divorce settlement is done it will be another at least $1000 added which I don't have. I'm stressed on another level.
He continues to drive a knife in my back. He lied, cheated, neglected(s) kids, still continues to abuse alcohol but expects to get everything he wants handed to him. His text was just a way to get my attention because he knows damn well that he hasn't received anything from my lawyer or court about our divorce settlement. Its all a game for him.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mamabear…...if the domestic abuse organization gave you "great resources".....then, I think that it would be a good idea to utilize some of them...especially, if it is counseling and a support group...…
I get it that he is a pain in your back....alcoholic and worse....but, your fear and dread of him...especially, the fear of using boundaries with teeth.....is providing a fertile soil for him to practice his narcissistic sounding machinations......and reinforcing your already high anxiety.....
You need more face to face continuous support....this crap is too hard to face alone....
Yoga is fine...nothing wrong with yoga...but, it doesn't sound like yoga is doing the whole trick...….
You might want to check out Ross Rosenberg's presentations on YouTube about narcissism and co-dependents....(he includes alcoholism behaviors in the narcissism)…….
I get it that he is a pain in your back....alcoholic and worse....but, your fear and dread of him...especially, the fear of using boundaries with teeth.....is providing a fertile soil for him to practice his narcissistic sounding machinations......and reinforcing your already high anxiety.....
You need more face to face continuous support....this crap is too hard to face alone....
Yoga is fine...nothing wrong with yoga...but, it doesn't sound like yoga is doing the whole trick...….
You might want to check out Ross Rosenberg's presentations on YouTube about narcissism and co-dependents....(he includes alcoholism behaviors in the narcissism)…….
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear…...if the domestic abuse organization gave you "great resources".....then, I think that it would be a good idea to utilize some of them...especially, if it is counseling and a support group...…
I get it that he is a pain in your back....alcoholic and worse....but, your fear and dread of him...especially, the fear of using boundaries with teeth.....is providing a fertile soil for him to practice his narcissistic sounding machinations......and reinforcing your already high anxiety.....
You need more face to face continuous support....this crap is too hard to face alone....
Yoga is fine...nothing wrong with yoga...but, it doesn't sound like yoga is doing the whole trick...….
You might want to check out Ross Rosenberg's presentations on YouTube about narcissism and co-dependents....(he includes alcoholism behaviors in the narcissism)…….
I get it that he is a pain in your back....alcoholic and worse....but, your fear and dread of him...especially, the fear of using boundaries with teeth.....is providing a fertile soil for him to practice his narcissistic sounding machinations......and reinforcing your already high anxiety.....
You need more face to face continuous support....this crap is too hard to face alone....
Yoga is fine...nothing wrong with yoga...but, it doesn't sound like yoga is doing the whole trick...….
You might want to check out Ross Rosenberg's presentations on YouTube about narcissism and co-dependents....(he includes alcoholism behaviors in the narcissism)…….
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
