andbackagain

I don't know what to do ...

Three days ago I was putting my 4yo's clothes away and noticed her bank (which I have hidden in her dresser) was missing most of the money.

I'm still SO mad about it.

What am I supposed to do? Pretend that my a/a h didn't STEAL money from his 4 year old. Yes, I know -- it was probably no more than $30 dollars ... but I had hidden it for that reason specifically.... so while I was at work he went rummaging through her stuff to find money ... Since then i get more mad every time I look at him because he acts like nothing has happened.

What kind of life am I living where I need to hide a bank in a dresser drawer and find a new spot every night for my wallet? In order to be sure I have money to pay rent and food (luxuries, I know) I have to withdraw money from a joint acount and hide it in mine ... so I guess after I write that ... I'm just as bad at withholding the truth.

So ... what am I to do ? Do I ask him to pay back the money? Do I have a right to make a big deal out of what to most people is a small thing? Am I supposed to shut up? Am I being too controlling and am I at fault for hiding the things to begin with? Am I supposed to just leave it all out for him to take at will.

I'm sorry ... I need help! Advice! A bump on the head --anything.

Thanks. T

Karivan

Hi T. I'm not in your situation so I've never handled it but my first thought was to open a saving account for your daughter. You can show her the bank book and discuss it with her but you will be the only signer! At least he can't touch her money there.

It's sad that he would steal from his daughter but A's are completely and utterly selfish and only live for that next drink. He justified it to himself in some weird way...

Take care and keep posting...

andbackagain

.... for the suggestion Karivan ...

I appreciate your response.

ellima01

I'd be ticked too!!! Mine has done the same- once he took my checkbook out of my purse and wrote for cash and emptied MY account (his name wasn't even on it. And yes- he has taken my son's $ too- He thinks it's no big deal- I think it is a very big deal. I don;t know how much good it would do to approach him about it- might be worse on you than if you say nothing...

Rainy

when it comes to what keeps us fed and clothed and housed, you are not wrong to keep the $ from him.

I went thru the same when my H was using, he even pawned our belongings (small things that I wouldn't notice right away), when he couldn't find enough $. There is no rationale explanation b/c they are sick and selfish.

For me, I would tell mine that b/c he chose to steal from his kids, they got secured accounts instead, and I had to make mine almost impossible to access w/o photo ID--sad, but i wasn't going to lose everything.

Even after sobriety, we agreed on one year clean before we had a joint account -- trust is hard to rebuild and money is what keeps us and our kids alive.

dont question yourself on this one--you shouldn't leave it out in the open for him to freely take--he will take it all.

((hugs))

andbackagain

for the "tea and sympathy (empathy)" .

I still am mad about it ... and get frustrated that I have to hide it all .... and I'm mostly angry that he stole it from her.... then I get mad at myself because I have chosen to put up with it .... *sigh*

I've been in a financial pickle for the past year, and over the past summer have had times where I didn't have food for us both - i made sure she had even if I didn't, but I wouldn't take it from her bank ... it's not her fault that I've chose to live this way.

Am I weird or what ? I actually sit and daydream about what it would be like to live ALL by myself ... so what's keeping me from making the leap? dunno
I just don't get it. What am I thinking ?

Then as far as the stress to "race" to the joint account bank ... to withdraw all of the money before he gets it ... I have to wonder who am i hurting more.

I'm sorry ... I'm still whining about this all many days past where it was discovered.

Thanks for listening

t

JessicaNAJ

T - I don't think your whining. I've been there and it does suck. I hated what it was doing to my kids and to me. I too have hidden their banks so he wouldn't take their money and I've hidden mine. Don't blame yourself.... just work on making things right for you.

andbackagain

Thanks JessicaNAJ ... :>

SJW

Have you given serious thought to taking your child and living by yourselves away from him? Can you do it without his income? Even if you never actually do it, it might feel good to put a plan in place just in case it comes to that. Then you won't be facing a situation you'd never thought about before. Sometimes it just feels good knowing you could do it if you had to, then you don't feel so stuck in the situation you're in.

On the other hand, if you aren't financially able to survive without his income, hiding all your money is probably the only thing you can do. My husband handles our joint checking account, and I'm sure it is just because he doesn't want me to question him about how many checks are written out to "cash" or to the liquor store. I don't have to know the actual amount he spends, I see what the end result is. It's him that won't acknowledge what a negative role alcohol is playing in his life.

But I can't do a thing to change him. And you can't change your husband either. You can make whatever changes are necessary to keep you and your child safe. If that means hiding or transferring money into an account he can't access, then that's what you'll have to do.

I know what you mean about being mad at yourself for making the choice to stay. I've done the same thing. Have you had a chance to go to Al-Anon? You'll be supported and encouraged there. They will concentrate on YOU, not your husband. You can continue to let alcohol control his life AND yours, or you can choose to get on with your own life. You can do it!

SJW

andbackagain

Hi SJW.

I apologize ... my computer crashed and was in the shop -- that's the reason for how long it took to respond to your advice....

I've started to look into programs in the area which offer help for housing. I have my pets, who I am unwilling to part with so it may be a bit of a challenge ...

I'm at the point where I'd like to leave ... am seriously considering it ... but as sad as it sounds -- I haven't quite found the courage yet.

thanks.

t

myselfagain

why do you have to leave? Kick his a** out the door.
Possible?

MaryNwmn

That's easier said than done. I know I'm not ready for a step like that but I think about it. I know he wouldn't go --he's got no where to go anyhow. Unless there's something going on that you can call the cops about, there's really no way to make them leave. Or am I missing something?...