imit

How do you keep from making the same mistakes? Why do you end up choosing the same people over and over and over again?

I was married for 25 to an alcoholic. Although he eventually quit drinking, the scars were too deep... and his sobriety was not enough to make up for his narcissism. Oh, and it didn't stop him from deciding to cheat on me.

The day i told him i wanted a divorce was a HUGE relief. I felt no sorrow, no pain, no doubt. It was right and I knew it at the core of my being.

But here's the thing. Since being divorced 2+ years ago, I have managed to repeat history. WHY would i do that? WHY would I continue to make bad choices? WHY wouldn't I just run?

So... Here's the question. What is it that attracts us to alcoholics? My first true love was an alcoholic, my husband of 25 years was an alcoholic, my most recent relationship... alcoholic.

Why? what is so broken in me that I gravitate toward people utterly unable to be in a relationship?

Have you had the same experience???

dandylion

imit.....In general, people tend to repeat t he same patterns, in life, unless they learn from their experience and do self examination ...and, develop more self awareness.....and, based on that...make a decision to change...…

There could be a multitude of reasons why your life is so linked with alcoholics...…
How can we answer that question for you....as we don't know much, at all, about your life and life history...…?

The following might be a place to begin understanding yourself....Therapy, reading and studying...learning everything you can about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....joining a support group like analon or similar group,,,,,,

You might read "Co-Dependent No More"....it is an easy read that will probably open your eyes, a lot....
I am giving you the following link to our more than 100 excellent articles, from our SR library on the subject. You can read and digest one every single day...lol.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading).

dandylion

imit.....I am dedicating my favorite song of liberation to you......I put it on your other thread,...but, I gifure this thread will get more attention....

https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...059e1f6d313ea1

dandylion

imit.....I really, really hope that you will stick around and read and learn and contribute your experience to others.....
Don't be a stranger...lol...….don't let ten years go by, again!!

hopeful4

I think the answer to this is that people don't take the time and effort to figure out their own end of things. People jump into relationships too fast after break ups without doing the hard work to figure out why they were in that toxic relationship to start. That normally takes counseling and time, and most are not willing to do so.

That is just my two cents of what I have seen. It's time to figure out YOU, so you can move forward eventually with the right person.

alwayscovering

I think it has to do with certain personality types as well. I am a "manager" I made it easy for my AH to be what he is. I do it all. I will do anything for my kids. I run the house and manage the bills and everyone's schedule. I like things to be organized and planned because clutter and chaos gives me anxiety. I think that's why I'm breaking down so much. The chaos from living with him in his current state is giving me a lot of anxiety so I'm going to al anon to try to learn to detach and hopefully allow me to make a decision on what to do with a clear head.

SmallButMighty

As I get farther away from my experience with my XAH I've gotten healthier in my own brain, heart and spirit. As a result of that personal growth, I have learned a lot about myself. I have done a lot of reflection on the generations of my family that came before me and realized I had been conditioned by a family culture of alcoholism and codependence. Unacceptable behavior was considered normal, what I grew up thinking of as normal was far, far from it. I carried that forward for decades...I even raised my own young children in that mess.

I don't blame my parents or grandparents... or great grandparents for the decisions I made... but my eyes have been opened wide to the spread of these family borne dysfunctions. In my case it runs several generations deep and it's only my generation that has started to change that cycle. I am not staying silent on the matter, some other members of my family don't stand for the dysfunction any longer either. Those of us who have "seen the light" have certainly been loud and clear with our children about not hiding facts. I hope we have broken the mold and that our now young adult children will not fall into the same traps that we and the generations before us did.

When we know better we do better.

Hugs

SparkleKitty

I kept trying to find the relationship that would fix me and make me whole. My mistake was holding onto the belief that that relationship had to be with someone other than myself.

trailmix

I have had that same experience but not with alcoholics.

I didn't really give it much thought, I had a couple of very long term relationships and I tended not to focus on what it was doing to me and more on the getting by.

Perhaps the most important thing is to stop. Just stop. Stop looking for relationships for a while. Look at the ones you have had, aside from the alcoholism, what are the other things they have in common? Looking at that is key I think to seeing what drives us. Are you the go-to person? The strong person? The organizer? Do you have it together are you cooking and cleaning and going to work are you responsible?

Do you tend to look after others rather than yourself. Something as (on the surface) innocent as not going to bed when you are tired to stay up and whatever (keep the alcoholic company, watch some TV you are not interested in, keep to his schedule etc).

On the surface that looks like being kind. In reality, repeated, you are putting someone's needs before your own. We all do this to some degree and if it's periodic it's not a bad thing, nothing wrong with being flexible and kind, in general. When you repeatedly do this - that's a problem!

Bernadette

Therapy has always helped me when I can't figure my own frustrating and self-defeating behavior out! I've been able to really change things about myself that were not serving my mental health or happiness. Not easy but worth it!

Peace,
B.

hopeful4

I agree with this! I have a take charge personality as well, am a great manager both at home and work. That meant I tried to "manage" my XAH, until I could not anymore and it made me a miserable person. I am so glad to have given that up! I have even let it go at work some as well, and it's a good thing! Classic enabler in remission right here!

imit

My answer would be yes to all of the above. I often find myself doing what other people want... caretaking... etc...

I know I need to work on me...... whatever that will mean.