Friend has gone into recovery, I'm lost.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Friend has gone into recovery, I'm lost.
Hi. This is a long story, but I'd appreciate some feedback from people who can relatevor give me feedback. My best friend and I had been planning my coming to see him in the UK for the last few months. Since January we have planned it, talked on phone every day, texted and planned what we would do down to last detail, both really excited. He is an alcoholic, and had been sober for a few months, but I was very supportive with his recovery, supporting him attending his as meetings and other services he attended. Loved hearing about how he was doing. So June came and I went over to UK to visit him, he still lives at home with parents and they had just gone abroad for a holiday so he was free. He decided to start drinking from the moment I arrived and continued for the following 3/4 days. He also got hold of cocaine and took it. I tried to get him to contact his sponsor and other services but to no avail. In fact by the third day, he turned abusive on me. He said I was being miserable but I was actually just worn out with worry. He get supremely controlling, wanting to know how who I was texting, got abusive verbally, and paranoid beyond belief. It got to point where I felt he might get physically abusive so I left the house. He said if I left not to come back and our friendship was over, but I did anyway for everyone's sake. I stayed in a hotel that night. I texted him the next day to see if he was ok, and he told me not to message him again, that he had tried to commit suicide because I left and I had opened up a whole can of worms now. I tried to explain why I left so he rang me. He was still getting angry and told me it was my fault and I shouldn't have left. It ended by him telling me to go f%$k myself. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I returned home the next day got an early flight. His mum rang me and wanted to hear what happened from my side of story. I explained and she told me he has been admitted to rehab now for 28 days. That was 3 weeks ago. I have heard from her few days ago and she said he is doing really well and has decided to extend the stay in rehab to 6 weeks. I am so glad he is doing great and in the right place. The issue for me now is, I have never been in this situation before. He has his phone for a few hours in the evening apparently but I haven't heard from him. I know he has to focus on his recovery now, and is in the best place but I'm struggling to cope without our usual conversations, texts etc. I miss him so much, he used to ring 5 or 6 times a day and text a lot too. Then it was stopped dead once he went into rehab. Not only stopped dead but stopped after a traumic few days of him relapsing which was hard to watch. I have googled a lot in the last while, and have started to see that we may have been codependent in some ways but it was enjoyable, I liked hearing from him that much. Its something I'm looking at now through personal therapy and going to all anon. So I suppose I'm wondering, is this normal to be so devasted? The lack of contact, and being able to talk about what happened is so hard. Would he be advised not to contact me? I am one of His best friends, not a big drinker and really supportive to his recovery. I'm trying so hard to take a step back and be chilled but its so hard. Any advice please, should I message him and let him know I'm still here to support him or wait until he's out, or just wait to hear from him? All advice welcome, thanks in advance.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My advise is that you should not really put that much stock into anyone else, work on you! He is doing a good thing and not only will he need to focus on himself for now, but in the near future as well. Your own wellbeing and happiness cannot depend on another person.
While it's normal to miss him, you have to go on with your own life. As far as texting him, that is up to you. However, I would not pressure him to communicate on the same level he was before as that would be very unhealthy in a recovery setting.
Hugs to you. It's hard supporting someone you care about in recovery.
While it's normal to miss him, you have to go on with your own life. As far as texting him, that is up to you. However, I would not pressure him to communicate on the same level he was before as that would be very unhealthy in a recovery setting.
Hugs to you. It's hard supporting someone you care about in recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,005
Welcome to Soberrecovery Glenjo and so very sorry to hear the reason that brings you here.
"I liked hearing from him that much. Its something I'm looking at now through personal therapy and going to all anon. So I suppose I'm wondering, is this normal to be so devasted? The lack of contact, and being able to talk about what happened is so hard."
^^^^ This is absolutely normal for someone involved with an addict/alcoholic. We tend to base our lives on them and when we lose them we don't know what to do. At least that was me.
Congrats on seeking therapy and Alanon. Also you might look for the book, Codependent No More. It is a bit of a bible around here.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself and focus on your own side of the street. For codependents this is very hard to do.
Strength and Peace to you.
"I liked hearing from him that much. Its something I'm looking at now through personal therapy and going to all anon. So I suppose I'm wondering, is this normal to be so devasted? The lack of contact, and being able to talk about what happened is so hard."
^^^^ This is absolutely normal for someone involved with an addict/alcoholic. We tend to base our lives on them and when we lose them we don't know what to do. At least that was me.
Congrats on seeking therapy and Alanon. Also you might look for the book, Codependent No More. It is a bit of a bible around here.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself and focus on your own side of the street. For codependents this is very hard to do.
Strength and Peace to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Do not hold your breath if you think rehab will have sort of magical overnight result, and your friendship will be back on track. It appears your friend has serious life issues, recovery is an inside job. Results vary, depending on how committed he is to working his recovery program .
Try not to take it too personal if you do not receive an apology either, some have us have been waiting for years for a sincere acknowledgement of the wrong doing that the addict has cast upon our lives.
Perhaps the best thing you can currently do is to continue to educate yourself on the subject of addiction, there are many layers to this beast, and only thru knowledge can we understand what an addict is up against.
I wish your friend recovery, and I wish you peace.
Try not to take it too personal if you do not receive an apology either, some have us have been waiting for years for a sincere acknowledgement of the wrong doing that the addict has cast upon our lives.
Perhaps the best thing you can currently do is to continue to educate yourself on the subject of addiction, there are many layers to this beast, and only thru knowledge can we understand what an addict is up against.
I wish your friend recovery, and I wish you peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
Welcome to Soberrecovery Glenjo and so very sorry to hear the reason that brings you here.
"I liked hearing from him that much. Its something I'm looking at now through personal therapy and going to all anon. So I suppose I'm wondering, is this normal to be so devasted? The lack of contact, and being able to talk about what happened is so hard."
^^^^ This is absolutely normal for someone involved with an addict/alcoholic. We tend to base our lives on them and when we lose them we don't know what to do. At least that was me.
Congrats on seeking therapy and Alanon. Also you might look for the book, Codependent No More. It is a bit of a bible around here.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself and focus on your own side of the street. For codependents this is very hard to do.
Strength and Peace to you.
"I liked hearing from him that much. Its something I'm looking at now through personal therapy and going to all anon. So I suppose I'm wondering, is this normal to be so devasted? The lack of contact, and being able to talk about what happened is so hard."
^^^^ This is absolutely normal for someone involved with an addict/alcoholic. We tend to base our lives on them and when we lose them we don't know what to do. At least that was me.
Congrats on seeking therapy and Alanon. Also you might look for the book, Codependent No More. It is a bit of a bible around here.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself and focus on your own side of the street. For codependents this is very hard to do.
Strength and Peace to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by marie1960
Do not hold your breath if you think rehab will have sort of magical overnight result, and your friendship will be back on track. It appears your friend has serious life issues, recovery is an inside job. Results vary, depending on how committed he is to working his recovery program .
Try not to take it too personal if you do not receive an apology either, some have us have been waiting for years for a sincere acknowledgement of the wrong doing that the addict has cast upon our lives.
Perhaps the best thing you can currently do is to continue to educate yourself on the subject of addiction, there are many layers to this beast, and only thru knowledge can we understand what an addict is up against.
I wish your friend recovery, and I wish you peace.
Try not to take it too personal if you do not receive an apology either, some have us have been waiting for years for a sincere acknowledgement of the wrong doing that the addict has cast upon our lives.
Perhaps the best thing you can currently do is to continue to educate yourself on the subject of addiction, there are many layers to this beast, and only thru knowledge can we understand what an addict is up against.
I wish your friend recovery, and I wish you peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
[QUOTE=hopeful4;6944247]My advise is that you should not really put that much stock into anyone else, work on you! He is doing a good thing and not only will he need to focus on himself for now, but in the near future as well. Your own wellbeing and happiness cannot depend on another person.
While it's normal to miss him, you have to go on with your own life. As far as texting him, that is up to you. However, I would not pressure him to communicate on the same level he was before as that would be very unhealthy in a recovery setting.
Hugs to you. It's hard supporting someone you care about in recovery.[/QUOTE
It is very hard, and I appreciate your kind words.
While it's normal to miss him, you have to go on with your own life. As far as texting him, that is up to you. However, I would not pressure him to communicate on the same level he was before as that would be very unhealthy in a recovery setting.
Hugs to you. It's hard supporting someone you care about in recovery.[/QUOTE
It is very hard, and I appreciate your kind words.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
It's most important that you support yourself, Glenjo, during this time. For whatever reason, your friend has decided to not communicate with you, most likely because he is focused on recovery. Take care of you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
many times i've seen posts where one person refers to their "friend" but there are a lot more feelings that JUST friendship involved.
it's never good to let one person take up so much space in our life, to where we can't go a day without contact. and most days have contact all day long. that in and of itself sets up a dependence....a dependence on contact, on recognition, on feeling "wanted" over and over and over. we begin to CRAVE that repetitive acknowledgement and we might really only notice just how dependent we have become when the contact stops.
he is where he is and he did ask/state to not contact him. i'd respect that. let him be. and use the now free time to get back in touch with self, with your own needs, finding ways to self acknowledge.
it's never good to let one person take up so much space in our life, to where we can't go a day without contact. and most days have contact all day long. that in and of itself sets up a dependence....a dependence on contact, on recognition, on feeling "wanted" over and over and over. we begin to CRAVE that repetitive acknowledgement and we might really only notice just how dependent we have become when the contact stops.
he is where he is and he did ask/state to not contact him. i'd respect that. let him be. and use the now free time to get back in touch with self, with your own needs, finding ways to self acknowledge.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
many times i've seen posts where one person refers to their "friend" but there are a lot more feelings that JUST friendship involved.
it's never good to let one person take up so much space in our life, to where we can't go a day without contact. and most days have contact all day long. that in and of itself sets up a dependence....a dependence on contact, on recognition, on feeling "wanted" over and over and over. we begin to CRAVE that repetitive acknowledgement and we might really only notice just how dependent we have become when the contact stops.
he is where he is and he did ask/state to not contact him. i'd respect that. let him be. and use the now free time to get back in touch with self, with your own needs, finding ways to self acknowledge.
it's never good to let one person take up so much space in our life, to where we can't go a day without contact. and most days have contact all day long. that in and of itself sets up a dependence....a dependence on contact, on recognition, on feeling "wanted" over and over and over. we begin to CRAVE that repetitive acknowledgement and we might really only notice just how dependent we have become when the contact stops.
he is where he is and he did ask/state to not contact him. i'd respect that. let him be. and use the now free time to get back in touch with self, with your own needs, finding ways to self acknowledge.
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