Emotional control
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
Emotional control
Hi - I’m new to this site, and the world of recovery. I’ve been dating an amazing man for about 5 months. He’s been sober for 7+ years and has been very open about his addiction with me since the first day I met him. He’s able to be around alcohol and still abstain, but we try and do things that do not involve alcohol.
My question is more about his emotional availability. He is open about most things in his life except his feelings about me and being in a committed relationship. I’ve been told that people in recovery keep tight control on their emotions to protect themselves and as to not lose control of their feelings. That keeping someone they care about at arms length is ensure they don’t compromise their control.
I’ve tried to talk to him about it in the last few weeks and he shuts down. Im confident he cares about me. Unfortunately, and fortunately, I’m in love with him, and could use some insight into if this emotional control is normal.
Thank you!
My question is more about his emotional availability. He is open about most things in his life except his feelings about me and being in a committed relationship. I’ve been told that people in recovery keep tight control on their emotions to protect themselves and as to not lose control of their feelings. That keeping someone they care about at arms length is ensure they don’t compromise their control.
I’ve tried to talk to him about it in the last few weeks and he shuts down. Im confident he cares about me. Unfortunately, and fortunately, I’m in love with him, and could use some insight into if this emotional control is normal.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
hi iamlegendary and welcome!
Yes, it's pretty much par for the course.
The question is, can you be comfortable with that? While, ideally, he will open up and express his feelings and discuss all and sundry with you at some point - that chances of that happening magically are pretty much nil.
If you think about how hard it is to change yourself, for instance if you decided you weren't going to express your feelings anymore, how much change and willpower would that take and would you be able to do that, realistically, without help?
Anyway, that's my opinion.
SR has a wealth of information and i'm posting a link below to one of the areas in the "stickies" section (found at the top of the F&F forum) that you might find helpful.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Yes, it's pretty much par for the course.
The question is, can you be comfortable with that? While, ideally, he will open up and express his feelings and discuss all and sundry with you at some point - that chances of that happening magically are pretty much nil.
If you think about how hard it is to change yourself, for instance if you decided you weren't going to express your feelings anymore, how much change and willpower would that take and would you be able to do that, realistically, without help?
Anyway, that's my opinion.
SR has a wealth of information and i'm posting a link below to one of the areas in the "stickies" section (found at the top of the F&F forum) that you might find helpful.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I am Legendary....Welcome!
Yes...do read the articles in the link that Trailmix gave you...there are over 100...;
that should answer a lot of your questions....
5months of dating.....that is still "early attraction" stage of a relationship. Typically, at this stage, things go pretty smoothly, and with little or no conflicts. Each is still the apple of each other's eyes...(bonding hormones and all of that)….
However, if at this early stage, there is a major area of mismatch...such as emotional unavailability --or, too much urgency to seal the deal and declare life-long commitment.....I think that is a red flag that the relationship may have issues that go deep enough to reconsider.....
20 weeks is too short of a time to get to really know a person, deeply...so, if there are also areas of disappointment at this early stage...there will certainly be much more to come , later, after the initial euphoria wears off...(it always does)…..
In my life experience....if you cannot accept and live with a man, happily, just as he is when you meet him....then he is not for you....because you can't change a person to suit you...it will always backfire, down the road.....
If a person is seven years into recovery with alcoholism....then, what you see is pretty much what you are going to get....
I seems like you are presuming his emotional makeup is due to being in recovery.....and, yes, a person could be all over the place with their emotions in early recovery....the first 2-3-4-5 yrs. But, if they are working a program of recovery, they should have pretty much leveled out and stabilized after a few years....
If they are sober for 7 years and are not working a program and doing the 12 steps....they can still be presumed to be who they are.....
Either way...he is who he is......
Yes...do read the articles in the link that Trailmix gave you...there are over 100...;
that should answer a lot of your questions....
5months of dating.....that is still "early attraction" stage of a relationship. Typically, at this stage, things go pretty smoothly, and with little or no conflicts. Each is still the apple of each other's eyes...(bonding hormones and all of that)….
However, if at this early stage, there is a major area of mismatch...such as emotional unavailability --or, too much urgency to seal the deal and declare life-long commitment.....I think that is a red flag that the relationship may have issues that go deep enough to reconsider.....
20 weeks is too short of a time to get to really know a person, deeply...so, if there are also areas of disappointment at this early stage...there will certainly be much more to come , later, after the initial euphoria wears off...(it always does)…..
In my life experience....if you cannot accept and live with a man, happily, just as he is when you meet him....then he is not for you....because you can't change a person to suit you...it will always backfire, down the road.....
If a person is seven years into recovery with alcoholism....then, what you see is pretty much what you are going to get....
I seems like you are presuming his emotional makeup is due to being in recovery.....and, yes, a person could be all over the place with their emotions in early recovery....the first 2-3-4-5 yrs. But, if they are working a program of recovery, they should have pretty much leveled out and stabilized after a few years....
If they are sober for 7 years and are not working a program and doing the 12 steps....they can still be presumed to be who they are.....
Either way...he is who he is......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i agree with dandy (and who wouldn't???) that by 7 years of anything, what you see is what you get.
and if a man don't wanna talk or share their feelings, it ain't gonna happen. you get what you get.
it's only been five months and love or not, if what you WANT with him is not what you HAVE, then you are probably in for frustration, unmet expectations, resentments and anger.
and if a man don't wanna talk or share their feelings, it ain't gonna happen. you get what you get.
it's only been five months and love or not, if what you WANT with him is not what you HAVE, then you are probably in for frustration, unmet expectations, resentments and anger.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You don't have to be an addict/alcoholic to have problems with intimacy, I saw that with members of my family and none of them are alcoholics. That's just how some people are hard wired.
The question: is this a problem for you? Does it make you hurt and/or angry?
Can you accept it and love him for who he is?
The question: is this a problem for you? Does it make you hurt and/or angry?
Can you accept it and love him for who he is?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
Thank you very much for your perspective. Understanding that at this point his emotional availability has nothing to do with his sobriety is what I was looking for. What I’m getting is him, the real deal, and understanding that makes all the difference with the decisions I need to make now. Thank you again!
Originally Posted by dandylion 
I am Legendary....Welcome!
Yes...do read the articles in the link that Trailmix gave you...there are over 100...;
that should answer a lot of your questions....
5months of dating.....that is still "early attraction" stage of a relationship. Typically, at this stage, things go pretty smoothly, and with little or no conflicts. Each is still the apple of each other's eyes...(bonding hormones and all of that)….
However, if at this early stage, there is a major area of mismatch...such as emotional unavailability --or, too much urgency to seal the deal and declare life-long commitment.....I think that is a red flag that the relationship may have issues that go deep enough to reconsider.....
20 weeks is too short of a time to get to really know a person, deeply...so, if there are also areas of disappointment at this early stage...there will certainly be much more to come , later, after the initial euphoria wears off...(it always does)…..
In my life experience....if you cannot accept and live with a man, happily, just as he is when you meet him....then he is not for you....because you can't change a person to suit you...it will always backfire, down the road.....
If a person is seven years into recovery with alcoholism....then, what you see is pretty much what you are going to get....
I seems like you are presuming his emotional makeup is due to being in recovery.....and, yes, a person could be all over the place with their emotions in early recovery....the first 2-3-4-5 yrs. But, if they are working a program of recovery, they should have pretty much leveled out and stabilized after a few years....
If they are sober for 7 years and are not working a program and doing the 12 steps....they can still be presumed to be who they are.....
Either way...he is who he is......
Yes...do read the articles in the link that Trailmix gave you...there are over 100...;
that should answer a lot of your questions....
5months of dating.....that is still "early attraction" stage of a relationship. Typically, at this stage, things go pretty smoothly, and with little or no conflicts. Each is still the apple of each other's eyes...(bonding hormones and all of that)….
However, if at this early stage, there is a major area of mismatch...such as emotional unavailability --or, too much urgency to seal the deal and declare life-long commitment.....I think that is a red flag that the relationship may have issues that go deep enough to reconsider.....
20 weeks is too short of a time to get to really know a person, deeply...so, if there are also areas of disappointment at this early stage...there will certainly be much more to come , later, after the initial euphoria wears off...(it always does)…..
In my life experience....if you cannot accept and live with a man, happily, just as he is when you meet him....then he is not for you....because you can't change a person to suit you...it will always backfire, down the road.....
If a person is seven years into recovery with alcoholism....then, what you see is pretty much what you are going to get....
I seems like you are presuming his emotional makeup is due to being in recovery.....and, yes, a person could be all over the place with their emotions in early recovery....the first 2-3-4-5 yrs. But, if they are working a program of recovery, they should have pretty much leveled out and stabilized after a few years....
If they are sober for 7 years and are not working a program and doing the 12 steps....they can still be presumed to be who they are.....
Either way...he is who he is......
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
So I just want to give my two cents, having escaped a relationship with someone, whom I have learned, has had periods of sobriety and never disclosed he was an alcoholic--until it was apparent to me: (1) They fall off the wagon. (2) Control can lead to abuse (abuse is all about power and control). Please don't be me. Think carefully here. If he has issues with control and intimacy, that's who he is--sober or an active alcoholic. If I ever meet someone (and I'm not looking and can't imagine being in a relationship after what I have just survived), and that person tells me they have ever had a drinking problem, even if they have been sober for 50 years, I will run as fast as these legs can carry me in the opposite direction. I'm worth more than that.
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