Mummyto2

Has affected her, heartbreaking to read but neccasary, I found cigarettes in her bedroom yesterday and went ballistic, handled it all wrong, this morning I woke up to a long letter she wrote, how she felt, how stressed at school she had been etc, I've written a letter back to her as she isn't a child to sit down and talk about her feelings, hopefully when she reads it she will understand a little more, god damn you alcohol I hate you with a passion

ChloeRose63

Glad you are taking her well-being seriously. Are you considering going to counceling together? Maybe it would help you understand eachother better before you begin to drift apart in your own privite worlds.

Dee74

I'm sorry Mummyto2- don't let her use your guilt to manipulate you tho ... 16yos can be evil geniuses

D

Mummyto2

I said in my letter I am sorry that she is my world, but as I have to take responsibility for my actions, she has to do the same and not use what I've done to justify what's she has done, therapy is not an option for her, she is very clever and personally I think she wrote the letter because I hid her phone as punishment for the cigarettes and if she can make me feel guilty she will get the phone back, my actions of staying sober will have more impact than me saying sorry all the time, thanks guys

Forward12

Are you still drinking? If so it does have a substantial impact on everyone around you, especially children.

Mummyto2

No I'm not drinking and yes alcohol has been destroying families for generations

Numblady

Sounds like you handled it like a pro. Love what you said about living sober having a greater impact than saying sorry. So true!

biminiblue

Sometimes being a Mom isn't easy. I don't know that for certain, but I've sure heard it enough - sometimes from my own mom.

I think you're doing great. Guilt is over-rated.

Have a good day, Mummy.

Mummyto2

Thank you everyone, I love my kids more than anything in the world, if I could turn the clock back I would in a heartbeat, but I can't, all I can do is make sure their future isn't destroyed by drink

entropy1964

Oh my goodness. I understand. As the mother of a 17 yr old trying to parent effectively while dealing with all the guilt that my addiction has caused can be very difficult. I have been sober a while but it doesn't matter....the damage is done. I don't know what the magic time period is....a decade maybe? Who knows.

I am grateful that my daughter doesn't 'throw' my addiction in my face. We have talked about it a lot, and it's impact on her. But lets face it, teenagers don't communicate the way adults do. So meeting her on her level is smart, the letter. I try to remember that her actions are separate from mine. If she is out of bounds we discuss that separately from anything else and I hold firm to that boundary.

One of the biggest gifts I can give her at this point is emotional maturity. Not something I've always been very good at modeling. It is fascinating to me that the person I love the most is the person I can resent the most. And that goes both ways. My daughter can anger me in ways no one else is capable. So I always hold my tongue....wait it out until I'm calm. I never react with her. Ever. And its the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm the adult, she's the kid. I keep it really simple too. NO is a complete sentence.

Anyway, you have my compassion because its really hard. And therapy? Not gonna happen. I suggest it but there isn't a chance she'd do it. And certainly not with me in the room! And we are really close I might add.

Stay sober and it will get easier for both of you. Well, wait, she's 13? It'll get easier in a few years. Hang in there.

Mummyto2

She is 16, and I can relate to everything you have said, thank you

lessgravity

Sucks, I feel for you. I imagine that cuts through like a knife. I remember, years ago, overhearing my son - he must have been 6 or 7 at the time - tell his babysitter that he hated wine. It came off like a throwaway child's comment, but I knew the pain and confusion that it came from.

Still took me years to finally put the poison away for good.

Here's to you using this for more leverage and fuel in your sobriety.

Good work dealing with it so far.

Mummyto2

Thank you, yes it does hurt but I can't use alcohol to block it out, I must face it this time head on before I screw my children's lives up, and they end up putting me into an early grave like many before me

entropy1964

Oh whoops. For some reason I thought I read 13. Sorry about that!

Well I think 16 is when things really started to get interesting with my daughter. The whole, growing up, letting go thing. What to call her on and what to let go. I mean, for sure she isn't doing as much as I did at her age but she's catching up. Ugh. Some of her friends mom's try to control the snot out of their kids and they just up their game....lie more, go behind their backs. Its a tough balancing act.

Right now my Princess is upstairs sleeping. Its so hard being the disciplinarian, especially given what I have put her though. So I pick and choose my battles.

I'm thinking by the time she's 25 she'll become somewhat less 'teenager-y'. God was I like this? Haha. Help.....

Lizajane

Mummyto2
Your response to her letter sounds right on. You are her mother and you may owe apologies for past behavior but you are correct that your future sobriety is more important than any apology. I suggest that you have a discussion with her about boundaries during future disagreements and arguments that you may have. Tell her you are open to having discussions with her about how her drinking has effected her and your alcoholism. At the same time, you are not open to her adding that to any current arguments or disciplinary matters your past behavior. Just as she can expect that you will not throw out all the past mistakes and poor behaviors she has exhibited, you do not want her throwing those things at you. These are separate matters and she should not be allowed to use them as weapons when she has made mistakes and you are doing what a mother is expected to do.

Mummyto2

Thank you

Mango212

Alateen and Alanon are both good places for teens her age who've been around alcoholism. No shame in this for the alcoholic or the family members. This is a disease that affects us in many ways. Recovery is possible and happens every day, in big ways and little ones.

Dee74

that was me - no idea where I got 13 from
Soz!

D

AnvilheadII

and not use what I've done to justify what's she has done

let's not forget....she is a child and doesn't have any skills to navigate the turbulent waters of living with an alcoholic parent. she has no training, no counseling, only what her mere 16 years of life on this planet give her. so she's trying out smoking cigarettes......

she made the effort to share how she feels, how upset and confused and scared she is, due to a parents behavior. for a child that doesn't "talk" about her feelings much, it sounds like she did pretty darn well at putting them to paper.

sure it hurts to get a gut punch of reality.....but please don't anyone put blame on the child? or say it was a manipulative tactic to get her phone back? and personally I think she wrote the letter because I hid her phone as punishment for the cigarettes and if she can make me feel guilty she will get the phone back,

children of alcoholics do the best they can to survive the upheaval of an unpredictable parent, or parents, the person or person that they rely upon completely for their very survival. god bless her for taking the time to express herself.

Mummyto2

I would never blame my children for my mistakes, she is a very intelligent child, and of course like many teenagers she is curious about cigarettes etc, she seems a lot happier now she has got everything off her chest,.