clarity888

My AH is doing intensive outpatient rehab all week (is in second week) and works days. Today (Friday), I woke up with my son to find AH had taken the day off to spend time with son. My plans were to take son to his daily camp so I could get time in library to prep for board exam.

I told AH I understand he's not seen son much at all this week, but that not talking to me about today's change of plans means that I am stuck here monitoring what they do, and am unable to focus on what I have to focus on. He says "I have not had a beer in 14 days and don't want to, we were just going to run errands and spend some time together". I told him I do understand that, but that he's been wasted in the recent past (amazingly, unbeknownst to me) while watching him while I was in school. I told him I am ultimately accountable for son.

Would you give him the benefit of the doubt, here? I feel like a bad person, whatever I do...I do believe he is sober today, though.

honeypig

Benefit of the doubt about what? Not drinking? Isn't the point of not drinking to act in a responsible, adult manner?

Did he do that by unilaterally changing HIS plans, leaving you in the lurch w/YOUR plans?

I don't see much of a benefit of the doubt situation here at all, clarity--acting like a self-centered asshat is acting like a self-centered asshat, be it a drunken one or a sober one...

And by the way, "sober today" means very little in terms of actual recovery--yes, it's good that he's sober, recovery has to START there, but you can see for yourself that simply not drinking has not magically turned him into someone who is considerate of others and makes great decisions...

trailmix

No, I wouldn't.

Honeypig really covered it but I'm sorry you find yourself in this position today. With the stress of study and this on top of it, it's got to be hard.

Hope you can find a few minutes to yourself to try to relax and refocus.

I hope you won't feel like a "bad person" when you've had more time to consider what went on here. I completely get where you are coming from and those feelings are hard to dismiss but worth dismissing. You had a plan for your day that was/is important. Everything is in place and he strolls in to it with total disregard.

For that you feel like a bad person. Actions, what are his actions. Not what he is saying, what he is doing. What he is doing is as Honeypig described.

He's basically disregarding your boundary with absolutely zero consultation.

I hope your day goes well regardless of his plans.

dandylion

clarity888......what's done is already done. I would say that the important thing is to learn from it....
Good communication is the biggest word in a marital relationship....
Did you two discuss your plans with each other, last night...? I think in a marriage...and especially, with kids....you have to talk every single day, about what is coming tomorrow.
Nobody is a mind reader.
I don't know what it has been like, before, but, you may have to establish new ways of being....with each other.
Early recovery is a time of great change for both partners...if the relationship is to make it.....

clarity888

I had a nice long reply and somehow it was deleted. But you are all correct this is a boundary issue that I had to reiterate to him. And I had to reiterate why (since you've lied in the recent past to me/hidden how drunk you were when I left you alone with DS, you can't change your plans last minute to be alone with DS and expect me to just disappear to do what I have to do AND feel content with it). Why should I trust you? Thanks for the input. Yes, as parents communication is key here, because he def. no longer gets to parent like he used to and expect me to just think "oh yeah that's A-okay now that you're sober, uh-huh, I believe you".

dandylion

clarity....make sure t hat you are logged in before you start typing a response.....otherwise, you will lose it...
I learned this the hard way!
Also, do you know where the "Thanks" button is...on the lower right hand corner....
Do you know how to read your or anyone else's old threads? Go to their name in the left hand side of their post.....and click on it. From the drop-down menu...select previous threads.....
It takes a while to be able to use the forum...lol.....
Do you know where our library of articles is, in the stickies? (Classic Readings)….

clarity888

Thanks dandylion...I was logged in, but sometimes you know how you hit some weird combo of keys and stuff vanishes? Or is that just me that accomplishes that one? Ha! Anyway...thanks for that info.!

dandylion

clarity...been there and done that.....my dog will tell you about my bad language.....