First post: Day 9
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 278
First post: Day 9
Well, this is a hard post to write. First time I've ever come clean about any of this.
Everyone's got a story, right? Mine is pretty typical. I'm blessed in some ways: good job, good marriage, good family (at least they try to be). And a nice cat, although he's 18 and slowing down.
I haven't lost much due to alcoholism except time and brain cells, and far too much of each, but my drinking did put everything at risk. So it was time to quit.
It got to the point of daily drinking maybe 10 years ago. I can literally count only three infinitesimally short periods of abstinence in about the last decade: once for 4 days when my (non-alcoholic) significant other moved in with me, once for a week when I went on vacation to a country where alcohol is hard to come by, and once for just one day (!) after an unusually bad hangover. That's it. All totaled, less than 14 abstinent days in the last ten years.
Not for lack of trying, mind you. I was pretty clear-eyed about needing to change. But I couldn’t swing it. I woke up every day on Day 1, but drank again come evening time. Making it Day 0 again, I guess. Day zero. Sounds like a metaphor. I got zero accomplished, felt zero pride, I thought my life was adding up to zero.
My pattern lately was this: aforementioned significant other would fall asleep on the couch at about 9:00 pm, and that would signify the beginning of my binge time. I'd have some 6-8 oz of vodka all at once, diluted with just enough tonic to make it minimally palatable, then about an hour later, repeat. And sometimes repeat again. Maybe a beer or two to sip on in the meantime. Sometimes repeat that as well.
After that, it was time to go to bed, which of course I often didn't remember. I used to quiz myself the next morning: what was the last thing you saw on TV? How did the movie end? What did significant other and I talk about before falling asleep? More zeros: zero recollection of the final events of the night before. And zero pretentions that this was healthy or sustainable.
And yes, of course that scared me, but it didn’t scare me enough to stop drinking.
A big change happened in the last six months, when I (predictably?) started drinking during the daytime on weekends. That led to me being completely useless at work on Monday, but somehow I got away with it. I eventually started having withdrawal symptoms from my weekend drinking that sometimes continued into Wednesday. It was bad.
I wasn't in denial about this being a problem; I knew it was. But I wasn't ready to change.
A few months ago I read the Rational Recovery book and started noticing my addictive voice and all the reasons it gave me to continue drinking. I was not in denial. I just wasn't ready to quit, I think because I was still working under two faulty assumptions:
1. I couldn't withstand the cravings if I stopped; and
2. I couldn't be happy after work (or on weekends) without the mellowing of an alcohol buzz.
Then something changed, 9 days ago. It finally hit me that cravings wouldn't kill me, and that non-alcoholics have plenty of pleasure and enjoyment in life without being drunk. So it seemed I could too. Maybe.
So I made a plan and I quit.
I cleaned the house from top to bottom and threw out all the bottles, including the hidden ones. I came up with a strategy for managing people (especially drinking friends and hardcore enablers), and for managing situations (meaning: APE, for Avoid, Plan, and Enjoy; avoid the situation if it's too risky, plan for it if the risk is manageable, and enjoy yourself sober if you go).
I wrote up a list of healthy and/or fun distractions, and I reminded myself that I have hobbies. I identified emotional supports (what brings me joy? to whom can I turn if I'm in distress?). I wrote down my personal core values and decided to honor them in my work, leisure, and relationships.
I made sure my expectations were clear-eyed: Neither the universe, nor any person, owes me anything merely because I stopped drinking. And also this: stopping drinking doesn't mean that every day will be good; it only means that every day will be sober.
And to conclude this overly long post, let me just say that the last 9 days have been really good. I had trouble sleeping on the nights of Days 1 and 2, but now things are okay. I have cravings, but they don’t last long. I miss being buzzed, but I know that being buzzed leads to being drunk, and being drink leads to worse (“play the tape forward”), and I just don’t want to go there anymore. I made it through the long days of the weekend, staying busy and riding out the cravings. I feel good.
And I’m happy to join the SR community. Thanks everyone.
Everyone's got a story, right? Mine is pretty typical. I'm blessed in some ways: good job, good marriage, good family (at least they try to be). And a nice cat, although he's 18 and slowing down.
I haven't lost much due to alcoholism except time and brain cells, and far too much of each, but my drinking did put everything at risk. So it was time to quit.
It got to the point of daily drinking maybe 10 years ago. I can literally count only three infinitesimally short periods of abstinence in about the last decade: once for 4 days when my (non-alcoholic) significant other moved in with me, once for a week when I went on vacation to a country where alcohol is hard to come by, and once for just one day (!) after an unusually bad hangover. That's it. All totaled, less than 14 abstinent days in the last ten years.
Not for lack of trying, mind you. I was pretty clear-eyed about needing to change. But I couldn’t swing it. I woke up every day on Day 1, but drank again come evening time. Making it Day 0 again, I guess. Day zero. Sounds like a metaphor. I got zero accomplished, felt zero pride, I thought my life was adding up to zero.
My pattern lately was this: aforementioned significant other would fall asleep on the couch at about 9:00 pm, and that would signify the beginning of my binge time. I'd have some 6-8 oz of vodka all at once, diluted with just enough tonic to make it minimally palatable, then about an hour later, repeat. And sometimes repeat again. Maybe a beer or two to sip on in the meantime. Sometimes repeat that as well.
After that, it was time to go to bed, which of course I often didn't remember. I used to quiz myself the next morning: what was the last thing you saw on TV? How did the movie end? What did significant other and I talk about before falling asleep? More zeros: zero recollection of the final events of the night before. And zero pretentions that this was healthy or sustainable.
And yes, of course that scared me, but it didn’t scare me enough to stop drinking.
A big change happened in the last six months, when I (predictably?) started drinking during the daytime on weekends. That led to me being completely useless at work on Monday, but somehow I got away with it. I eventually started having withdrawal symptoms from my weekend drinking that sometimes continued into Wednesday. It was bad.
I wasn't in denial about this being a problem; I knew it was. But I wasn't ready to change.
A few months ago I read the Rational Recovery book and started noticing my addictive voice and all the reasons it gave me to continue drinking. I was not in denial. I just wasn't ready to quit, I think because I was still working under two faulty assumptions:
1. I couldn't withstand the cravings if I stopped; and
2. I couldn't be happy after work (or on weekends) without the mellowing of an alcohol buzz.
Then something changed, 9 days ago. It finally hit me that cravings wouldn't kill me, and that non-alcoholics have plenty of pleasure and enjoyment in life without being drunk. So it seemed I could too. Maybe.
So I made a plan and I quit.
I cleaned the house from top to bottom and threw out all the bottles, including the hidden ones. I came up with a strategy for managing people (especially drinking friends and hardcore enablers), and for managing situations (meaning: APE, for Avoid, Plan, and Enjoy; avoid the situation if it's too risky, plan for it if the risk is manageable, and enjoy yourself sober if you go).
I wrote up a list of healthy and/or fun distractions, and I reminded myself that I have hobbies. I identified emotional supports (what brings me joy? to whom can I turn if I'm in distress?). I wrote down my personal core values and decided to honor them in my work, leisure, and relationships.
I made sure my expectations were clear-eyed: Neither the universe, nor any person, owes me anything merely because I stopped drinking. And also this: stopping drinking doesn't mean that every day will be good; it only means that every day will be sober.
And to conclude this overly long post, let me just say that the last 9 days have been really good. I had trouble sleeping on the nights of Days 1 and 2, but now things are okay. I have cravings, but they don’t last long. I miss being buzzed, but I know that being buzzed leads to being drunk, and being drink leads to worse (“play the tape forward”), and I just don’t want to go there anymore. I made it through the long days of the weekend, staying busy and riding out the cravings. I feel good.
And I’m happy to join the SR community. Thanks everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Great first post and excellent, well-thought-out work.
We have very similar drinking patterns, though perhaps I let mine run longer than you did yours. The hiding, the sneaking and the way the drinking then bled into all the other areas of my life. Rational Recovery was key for me, though it took years for me to finally implement.
Welcome to SR and keep us updated.
We have very similar drinking patterns, though perhaps I let mine run longer than you did yours. The hiding, the sneaking and the way the drinking then bled into all the other areas of my life. Rational Recovery was key for me, though it took years for me to finally implement.
Welcome to SR and keep us updated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 296
Welcome Radix. It sounds like you have done some serious research and put some great work into your plan. Having a solid plan is a huge deal and a huge step towards sobriety. Congratulations on 9 days.
The only advice I will offer is to be ready to reevaluate and fine tune your plan as needed. As you progress you may need to make some changes here and there. This does not mean that you or your plan are faulty, it is just you growing in sobriety.
Congratulations and welcome. It is wonderful to have you here.
The only advice I will offer is to be ready to reevaluate and fine tune your plan as needed. As you progress you may need to make some changes here and there. This does not mean that you or your plan are faulty, it is just you growing in sobriety.
Congratulations and welcome. It is wonderful to have you here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
An amazing post! Congratulations on 9 days sober. To have a plan or programme is essential, sounds as though you’ve a good one there. Have you identified your triggers and what you are going to do when they hit? X
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 278
Thanks so much, everyone.
Yes... One example of a trigger for me is salty snacks. I got rid of all the bottles, but I couldn't bring myself to get rid of all the food. So for the last week, I've been replacing bubbly alcoholic beverages with sparking water. It's working well. I've had about 12 big bottles so far, lol.
Another trigger is being home alone, especially on the weekends. So I've tried to be out more, taking advantage of what the city has to offer.
I hear the AV talking, but I've taken up "reframing" as a sport. AV says "you can have a drink, nobody would know." I say back: I'm being sober for me, and I would know.
Originally Posted by blueberry2015 
Have you identified your triggers and what you are going to do when they hit?
Another trigger is being home alone, especially on the weekends. So I've tried to be out more, taking advantage of what the city has to offer.
I hear the AV talking, but I've taken up "reframing" as a sport. AV says "you can have a drink, nobody would know." I say back: I'm being sober for me, and I would know.
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