mads512

Hi all, this is my first time posting. I've been with my partner for 12 years, he is a functioning alcoholic. I have thought for a long time that maybe it's my fault the way he is, blaming, name calling etc etc. I realise reading a lot of the posts on here that it isn't.
Things have become so bad lately, well it's never been a normal relationship. Luckily we don't have children together and I have my own house so it's easy to escape when things are bad.
I guess my question is, why do I always feel the need to keep going back to him . I often wonder if we become addicted to them in some way. I adore him but am so worn out that it's always my fault and how he shouts me down if I ever try to talk to him about things. Apologies if this is in the wrong forum.

Katiekate

Hi Mads and welcome to the forum. I am sorry, I know how difficult it is. I think there is an element of being addicted to our A's , I know that I was. I get that you are tired of it, I got tired of it too and did it for far to long. It is good that you have your own place and no children with him. You can end the pain, it will be hard to do but in the end you will most likely feel much better, I am at least 4 years out now and my life is so much better .

. Hope you stick around and get some support. Katie

trailmix

Hi mads, glad you found SR and you are certainly in the right place!

Sure, some relationships can be "addictive" but it's hard to say, maybe you are just comfortable? Maybe you have isolated yourself somewhat and friends and family have dropped by the wayside as you focus on putting out the fires?

Thing is, why do you want to be around someone who shouts you down and blames you for everything? That's abuse and certainly dysfunctional.

You mention you adore him, what do you adore about him?

Having a relationship where you need to escape seems really tough?

CarryOn

We use the three c’s in regards to the alcoholism, but I think it applies to abusive behavior too...
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

I think many of us understand how you feel and how hard it is to stay away. Alanon helps, reading & posting here does too. Take care of yourself, put yourself first, and seek to understand why you accept this treatment so you can begin healing yourself. Everything else will come as it’s meant to.

dandylion

mads512....don't be so quick to assume that you are "addicted". You have been in an abusive relationship...even if you have never thought of it in those terms. Even if you have never been physically hit....there are several types of abuse...all of which leave scars, on the inside. You may be suffering from emotional and psychological abuse. There is, also something called "traumatic bonding".....
Abuse, of any kind, can do a job on your self-esteem and self-confidence and ability to recognize an deal with your own feelings...or be unable to even think clearly and trust y our own choices...…

Dealing with these effects requires a specialized kind of help. While alanon is great...for abuse, an experienced abuse counselor is usually recommended, in addition....
You can call your local domestic abuse center, and they will give you the recommendation on specially qualified persons or, even, offer you counseling and support groups at their organization.
These people exist only to help, and they deal with this stuff, every day. They are very understanding and definitely not judgemental. Totally confidential.

I hope that you will not deny yourself the support and help that you need.....
Every one deserves somebody that has their back....somebody that is "on your side".....
It is so wrong what he has been doing to you...and, it is not your fault that he behaves that way toward you....Nobody deserves to be treated this way....

A book that I think would be very good for you to read, right now, is the following.....
"Why does He Do That?"...by Lundy Bancroft....
You can get it on amazon.com, very cheaply, if you get a used copy.
This book comes highly recommended on this forum....and I expect that a lot of it will resonate with you.....


I hope that you will hang around and keep reading/studying and posting!

mads512

I think I've known for sometime now that I need to seek some kind of support for myself. He has been extremely violent towards me but not over the last 3 years. It's strange saying this but the verbal abuse is harder to take, I have no confidence and self esteem is at its lowest. Everything I do or say is wrong. He just says that I push all the wrong buttons, so I stay quiet, then he gets angry saying I'm miserable. Vicious circle.

I do have abandonment issues from my childhood but am fully aware that this is abuse.

I do love him, I just hate who he is when he's drunk, which is all of the time when he's not working lately.
He has always provided for his children, who are now grown, he's been good to my children too. Which is probably why I stay as I still see occasionally the man he once was.
He refuses to seek help and I know I can't do it for him. I have tried in the past finding his local support group etc but with no success.

Now I need to focus on myself, which is why I'm here, I felt better just reading the replies from you all , I haven't been listened to or understood in a long time.

Today I am going to take up some of your suggestions, starting with local support groups.

Thanks guys and hope your all doing well. 😊

trailmix

I'm glad you are going to look for a support group, I hope there is Al-Anon in your area or even a support group for abused women.

I was in a violent relationship once. Eventually the violence stopped (I don't even remember why that came about, I think I finally stood up for myself).

I found that at that point violence wasn't actually necessary. Arguments would escalate to a point that I knew when to shut-up / back off. I didn't need to be hit, I was on auto-pilot to know when that point had been reached and I didn't cross it anymore.

Not saying that is the case with you but perhaps you can relate?

I argued for years. Funny thing was, after getting out of that relationship I find i'm not actually an arguer lol. I mean if a person really wants to argue with me I guess i'll give it a go, but I don't yell (well rarely) and I don't enjoy arguing. It was just an interesting discovery after so many years of doing it.

Absolutely agree with you that emotional abuse is so much harder to deal with than physical abuse. With a slap you know what's coming, it's there and it's real, you both know, ultimately, who is in the wrong and it heals, eventually. With emotional abuse it can stay with you for much longer and is much harder to heal. Of course physical abuse is also emotional abuse, I think that the fact that the "encounter" ends with there being an obvious person in the wrong somehow makes it easier? Also you usually get an apology (geez that sounds sad).

Did the person I was in the relationship have a bunch of good qualities. Absolutely!! Could be kind and caring and actually really liked me. Kind and caring to other people too. Responsible, always had a job and was a hard worker (not an alcoholic).

I trust you know this is absolutely not true. No one pushes "all the wrong buttons". It's just an excuse for poor behavior. You deserve so much better.

Now that you have found SR I hope you will keep posting. We understand what you are going through and that can be a great thing, even if you just want to vent!

NYCDoglvr

For the same reason I kept drinking even though the results were disastrous. By keeping my focus on alcohol and not being present for my life I avoided the underlying pain and fear plaguing me throughout life. It was only when I put down alcohol 26 years ago could I grow and mature as a person. And when I had a codependent relationship the focus -- obsession -- was on someone else so I didn't have to deal with my own issues.