Barnabas

So these are perhaps random thoughts but I thought I would write here instead of doing what I did Sunday night: I had two more full days sober and the insomnia.......I just cannot sleep. So I got onto laptop and I ended up watching videos related to the Bali bombing 2002. Don't know how it popped into my head.

I wasn't in those two bars by chance the night of the bombings. After been in both every night for the previous two weeks (1 month in Bali)

Two things played on my mind on that night: Firstly I couldn't get my head around how by the weirdest chance, I wasn't in the bars. Secondly, the thought that I wished I had of been kept nagging away at me.

So something Sunday night/Monday.....I went missing for about 48 hours. I think it was early hours Wednesday morning on return. I turn into a zombie. So I put her through hell. The poor girl was crying in bed and she said she didn't know whether to hug me or punch me.

I appreciate her for caring so much and want to make it up to her for that.

What I learned: i didn't realise that I was on a selfish path. How is that possible? Well I was annoyed at her for telling me all of the time about how this was affecting her. I had stupid expectations: i expected her to say to me "oh how is this affecting you?" "tell me why are you doing this to yourself?" "what can we do to help you recover?"

What expectations huh. When my expectations were not met I felt sorry for myself and isolated and perhaps angry. As hard as this maybe to believe, I didn't realize I was feeling sorry for my self and probably using it as a justification to continue on the death wish spiral. I just thought I was a little blue.

Then I went out again Thursday morning early. 14-16 hours not sure. So lately I've been talking to good junkie female. There are two in this story one is bad junkie female 53 (managed to change number and avoid) The other is good junkie female 59 (both of these have partners in prison, there is nothing of that nature going on with either of them. I just managed to create a weird dynamic with the two and I could use in their houses)

Good junkie female I have been chatting profoundly with the last few weeks (note: she has given me nothing but good advice about quitting this shite and looking at my girls point of view) Unbelievably I've had some major breakthrough moments while chatting with her and her telling me about her family and her husband (She's loyal as hell, but wants a better life as it's the third time she's had to wait on him. totally crazy personality, but crazy about her husband.......her friends, mostly male and some female came and went to use, and they all spoke highly of him and her) Integrity and principles and honesty....but a junkie. I swear to god I wouldn't have believed it if I had not say actions and behaviors in action)

Anyway, there was a pact made. I would recovery my life and leave this **** (she said this to me.......you'll lose everything .......you need to get back to using at the weekends only and have some control........but not like an obligation...only if you feel like it.....but to do this you need to stop for a minimum of three months.......incidently enough her brother and law came in to night....I only saw him once before he asked the room if anybody had anything for a quick....I nodded and bad junkie female filled his pipe...he threw a little money down but I shrugged him away.....he came in tonight as he wanted to return the favor........not long out, dangerous hothead he's protective of good junkie female....like all her male friends......he gave me the same advice) I would have not intention of quitting and then trying to go every now and again. I want rid for ever.

But it got me thinking on the way back. I needed to talk about stuff and who did I have to talk about it. There are ten members of my family. I envisioned what it would be like to call one or three of them and say hey listen I really need somebody as I'm going threw a bit of a problem . Can you tell me if you would be willing or not? if not there is no problem.

I don't know. As a child I felt I could never depend on my mother and father as they always took the neighbour's or teacher's or police's side. I think I just wanted to be listened to and believed as a child. I wasn't so I just learned to keep things to myself and deal with problems alone. that just popped into my head, could be relevant.

Barnabas

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.,..and tumbleweed rolls by................................................ ..................the irony considering!!!

haha nevermind, says it all really.

I'm off the ferris wheel of addiction despite everything. I had a vision and saw it for it was, then I blinked and I was cured.

the fact that it's the first day of the month satisfies the obsessive part of my mind.

DOC? Cured. never to be repeated. Saw for what it is, visioned myself getting off the ferris wheel. Blinked. Goodbye.

Cigs? Cured. never to be repeated. Saw for what it is , visioned myself getting off the ferris wheel. Blinked. Goodbye.

Alcohol? 90% cured. Quit now and not drinking. Cognitive dissonance happening due to two conflicting ideas 1. The future drinking in moderation chip 2. The chip that says I just get addicted to the stuff. 100% cure would arrive when a paradigm shift leaves chip number 1 behind and fully embraces chip 2.

For now, abstinence and change habits to good and productive ones. If something is no longer serving me, it goes. Ruthless.

Good luck to you all

Berrybean

Ask for help with what?

And what have those two ladies got to do with it?

Sorry, it's been a long day, maybe I've missed something. Just didn't want to read and run.

Bb

Barnabas

it doesn't matter. Thanks anyway.