idontgetit508

Hi,
If i am posting in the wrong place I apologize. Today is my 1 year anniversary with my ABF. We met last year around this time and I noticed the frequent drinking I thought it was a summer thing. Boy....was i wrong.....Trying to keep it short and sweet he is the kindest, charming, handsome, would do anything for me man before he drinks.

However, there are 3 phases to his drinking:
Phase 1: just a few drinks: happy, quiet still, he said alcohol helps his ADHD so he will start cleaning my house top to bottom, let me rest, and phase 1 is ok.
Phase 2: crying, sobbing, im hugging him, he has a child that he has a tough time getting to see a lot of past issues with the mother of his child. Crying out for his daughter. Me hugging him and crying with him.
Phase 3 Trigger Alert: verbal calling me awful things, threatening to call my boss as I'm pretty he says is because I screw the bosses to get jobs. Taking there business cards as I'm in sales and have to report to my managerthreatening to call them, saying I have been intimate with his friends. I could go on.
The next morning he wakes up and is like good morning beautiful no idea this has happened. Last week it got particulary bad I did not want police at my apt as I have ptsd from the police he started phase 3 so i called an uber immediately it cost me 110.00 but i got him out.

I changed my # but was still so worried about him so I would call private I would cry, look crazy, ask him if he will please get help. The response is always "I;m not an alcoholic." Last night was the worst ever I called and his dad picked up he was drunk the apple does not fall far from the tree he said you know what's up with you throwing my first born out your house last week at 1 am. Are you cheating on him? I just cried and choked and sobbed and wheezed and the father was very mean. I called his mom and she was like listen I just yelled at my husband. You have to realize my son is in denial and it's everyone else's fault. I told her I hit bottom and i feel very sad, provoked, and anxiety ridden. She was like that's what alcoholics do don't let him win. We are doing our best this is the worst it's ever been.

Today I felt awful and must have called 35 times i cant sleep, im in flight or fight, worried about him, worried is it over, worried does the family hate me. I am addicted to saving my ABF and coming to his rescue. I still love him I'm in denial now I look crazy for calling a million times and texts with the please don't leave me. I do see a therapist I quit my job last week my boss served in the military and yelled at me often, drank alcohol on the job, and mimicked my bf, everything I did was always wrong and I held in for 5 months at this job while dating the ABF in sales as well faking happy. Thank god I have people in the industry I'm in that believe in me and an ex boss whom I consider a father figure who last year around this time I said to him if you get a call in the middle of the night that we have relations please disregard it and I apologize to your wife if that happens. He was not even mad he was like " You have to go, it's only going to get worse. I called out alot with this boss and he always would text, call, send letters Are you ok? A letter popped up in the mail severdal days ago and said the door is always open. I pray for you daily. I'm so happy the door is open and I escaped my boss from hell who treated me like an inmate.
I want to be happy my mind is consumed with worry and keeps reliving the father of the ABF yelling at me anymore. This whole year has triggered my ptsd I don't know how I'm still standing. Why am I worried about him? Do alcoholics give the silent treatment? What do I do? I lost myself

Dee74

I'm sorry for what brings you here idontgetit508, but this is a place of great support and healing.

A lot of us can identify with becoming addicted to people or relationships that bring us pain and yet unable to let go.

I hope you'll tread and post here as much as you need to.
There are many many people here who've been where you are, who've left alcoholic and/or codependent relationships and who have gone on not only to survive but thrive

D

Leelee168

Hi idon'tgetit,

What is most telling to me in your situation is that he denies he is an alcoholic; you will not change his mind. You cannot make him better. He is the only one who can make that choice and he has made his decision.

Alcoholics will do whatever they need to do in order to treat themselves and their delusions. It's not the person you remember doing these things--it's the addiction that does the talking for them.

You are a good person to want to help him and to see the "nice" version of him. Please do yourself a favor and let him go. This story has only one ending because his behavior is progressive and it will get worse. Trust me on that one

It seems to me like this relationship is costing you a lot: You're stressed, you're not sleeping, you're crying. Give yourself a break and walk away. Find a new job and start over. The only place this person will take you is down.

I wish you all the best.

trailmix

Hi idontget it.

My suggestion is to STOP. I say this for you, not for him or his family or anyone else.

That fight or flight mode you are in is a direct result of dealing with this man. The uncertainty leaves you sitting on the edge of your seat. It will pass but you have to let it. Practice deep breathing, if meditation is something you do then do that. A nice bath, a comfort food, watching mindless tv.

Then get to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as possible. That face to face support will help to lift you up.

Stop calling, texting, emailing. Delete your FB and other social media accounts or at the very least block him so that you can't follow him.

Get off the roller-coaster. You are not helping him. More importantly you are not helping yourself.

Some perspective:

This is not any kind of normal, sane, behaviour. This should have to running away to safety.

Personally I would never speak to this person again. First born. cheating? How old is this person, 10? He lacks any kind of sane reasoning, stay far far away.

Don't worry about your ABF, he was drinking and doing fine all along, take care of yourself instead.

Do you have any friends or family you can call and talk to?

idontgetit508

Hi,

Wow thanks for the responses. I appreciate it. He is 35 and Native American not that means anything. His entire family says it's predisposed in our blood. I have been hearing this for a year okay depression is pre-disposed in my genetics but I get out and fight every day like I'm losing.

I'm 1 day no contact he did text my mom " Tell her I'm sick and need a break but i love her and I have a bad sore throat." All my social media is gone, i believe that job i quit was a blessing as that boss was very harsh, cruel, and mean to me, with vodka in his fridge and told me he made a promise to his wife to stop breaking things. They are both last week's trash my boss and my EX AB. This isnt my first time at the rodeo with dating alcoholics I'm to smart for this. Im 34.
My supports are my therapist, myself, and my old boss. I was assaulated by an officer in 15. He just took a plea. It's been a long hard three years for myself but I took down a dirty cop, stood up to a mean drunk boss, and I have no girlfriends as after my assault I was told this was a blessing from my higher power as I can sue the police. Nobody said are you ok? Everybody was like congrats you got a lawsuit on your hands and are coming into some serious $. 3 years later I see not a penny. The ex ABF would say you probably wanted him i don't believe your story. This is crazy town. I want my life back today! Leave him alone correct forever he is super ill?
Thank you for responding everyone out there. Sorry if i triggered anyone. Real survivors stand up!!!! We can do this!

trailmix

Wow Idontgetit, you have been through a very rough time. It is time to look after yourself. That's great that you have gone no contact. Would be a good idea to ask your Mom to block him as well.

You asked:

Yes. This possessiveness he has, accusing you of sleeping with every man on the planet, that's abuse. He obviously has many problems, alcohol included.

Also, there may be a pre-disposition in anyone's family line for addiction. It's not an excuse, it's just a fact. Anyone can choose recovery at any time. He is obviously not ready for that and even if he chose it today it is a life long commitment and he obviously needs help in other ways.

I hope you take time away from all this madness for yourself. You deserve better.

There are some great threads here at SR you might find helpful and interesting, perhaps some of the stickies here in the friends and family forum, in particular these ones:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

idontgetit508

Trailmix ty so much sometimes you need tough love and straight facts. Between you and seeing you and my therapist I'm all set. It's time for the focus to be on me. Yes, i blocked him on my mom's home. I'm back with my healthy boss. Thank you everyone obviously im sure i'll have love addiction set backs but thats not the goal here. I'm staying the course. Enough with the abuse.............i had enough!!!!! I thank you all for responding. im running!!!!!!!!!!!!! I pray for all of us!!!!!!! Be well

Bekindalways

Holy moly you have had quite the week.

So so glad you found us and super sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

About that relationship addiction . . . yep that is understood in these parts. Please dust off a chair and have a seat.