myluckyday

After 4 months of sobriety I foolishly talked myself into believing that I can handle moderation. I truly believed I could because after 4 months of abstaining, I was thinking of booze less and less. So that evil bastard convinced me that I really don't care about alcohol, therefore it will be easy to moderate. So on August 31st, I had that first drink. Only one. I was convinced that I could do this because I only had one and that was fine. I went a week without having another. Then I decided I could drink only on weekends and just a splash of vodka in the glass. Then the splash became a little larger, then it became filling half the glass. Then I told myself I can drink on wednesdays also because it's mid week and you need to get over that hump. Then I convinced myself that I could drink every night on my vacation. Well that vacation never ended. I'm back to drinking the large bottle of booze in a week. My liver was in so much pain last night I couldn't sleep. Here we are on Mother's day and I'm thinking I'm going to wind up dead and my kids will be heartbroken. What will they do? I even think about my dog who is soooooo attached to me. What would she do? Who will take care of my hubs who has early onset Alzheimer's? I don't even want to be writing this right now, because I feel if I put this out there to you all, I'm committed and I feel like what if I want to drink later tonight? I need to be held accountable but I don't know how to do that. I'm a closet drinker. I drink at night when everyone is in bed. No one knows that I have a drinking problem. I've never caused a scene or had any issues with others. I work, exercise, go to school, volunteer and function like anyone else. I never drink and drive. Like I said, I drink in secret when no one is around late at night, then go to bed. I did this last time without anyone knowing what I was going through and it was difficult, but for many reasons people can not know that I have this problem. I chose today to start my journey again because #1 It's mother's day and I need to be here for my kids and #2 It's my sister's birthday today and she died of alcoholism. I'm hoping she will give me guidance or a kick in the ass from the other side. I got to 4 months last time! That was 4 months of overcoming obstacles and I freaking threw it all away! I'm so pissed at myself right now.

soberista

Hello and welcome MLD. So you know you can do it you just need a better plan for when youre through the initial stages..maybe AA meetings? Ive been sober since the 4th January and remain mindful every day that i cannot moderate and i play the tape through...one glass? Leads to two and then the bottle...then another bottle and a hangover and a wasted day and so on. You will get lots and lots of suppoet here for when those times come. Jump on board the sober bus. All the best. Xx

catinsocks84

That voice that says it's okay, you can handle it, it will be better this time, it will be different - that voice will come back again and again. We can't stop it from visiting, but we can try and stop it from settling down, from making us believe it.

I'm on day 7 this time round, and the voice has made little squeaks and I know it will be back, this coming week or the next, speaking louder and more clearly, saying it will be okay, just one more time. And I keep believing it, without believing it at all.

Do you know what your triggers are and how to avoid them?

Keep coming back, being held accountable is a good thing and you'll get a lot of support here.

Dee74

Welcoem back myluckyday
What you've described is familiar to many of us...It's a descent back into madness that starts innocuously enough with one drink.

Do you have any ideas on what you might do differently this time?
D

least

Welcome back! I hope this time you can achieve lasting sobriety.

myluckyday

I don't have any ideas of how I will do this again other than sheer willpower and the love of my kids. I was just washing dishes a little while ago and it hit me like a truck, I can't drink tonight! I feel so sad, bored and completely lost. I know this will fade as I've been through this before, but it sucks. I know tomorrow I'll get up and feel proud of myself and so happy. I know tomorrow afternoon it will hit me again. The, "I can't drink tonight" thought. It's that initial thought every late afternoon that devastates me and makes me question how I can go on. It makes me feel that there is no fun left because I put so much stock into booze that nothing can be fun or worth anything without it. I need to put my focus on something else.

lessgravity

I hear you and understand but also wanted to highlight what is obviously part of what must be driving you to get sober. I'm sober today again, because again today I was able to be present for and with my son.

Stay strong. This will be worth it for all of us.

Verdantia

Welcome back, myluckyday. Good on you for day 1. I drank after prolonged sobriety--15 years for me. I got complacent and started with just a sip once in a while, much like you described--in 3 years it turned into drinking around the clock. It took me a long time to get back to sobriety but now I have 29 months.
Joining the Class of May would be a good idea. Stick around here and post often--lean on the support of all the good people here. Wishing you the best.