I feel like I am losing my wife
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 2
I feel like I am losing my wife
My wife has been in aa for about 5 months now. She is doing very well with her recovery. She never hit rock bottom she simply wanted to make a change in her life and wanted to be there for our two kids. I have completely supported her in her efforts. I leave work early twice a week so that she can go to meetings and she is meeting with her sponsor 1-2 times a week outside of meetings.
My problem is the conventions with the dances and the barbeques that she is choosing to go to rather than spend time with the family. these are things that we are not invited to. I see her so little these days and I miss my wife. I am trying to be supportive but the social things outside of meetings make me feel insecure. It doesn't help that we have only been sexual twice in the 5 months that she has been in recovery.
I feel like I am losing my wife whom i love deeply. I love my family and I really do not want to give it up. I came from divorced parents and I don't want to do that to my kids either.I was willing to love my wife drunk or sober with sober being the obviously better option. But now I am being cut out of her life and I am sad and scared.
My problem is the conventions with the dances and the barbeques that she is choosing to go to rather than spend time with the family. these are things that we are not invited to. I see her so little these days and I miss my wife. I am trying to be supportive but the social things outside of meetings make me feel insecure. It doesn't help that we have only been sexual twice in the 5 months that she has been in recovery.
I feel like I am losing my wife whom i love deeply. I love my family and I really do not want to give it up. I came from divorced parents and I don't want to do that to my kids either.I was willing to love my wife drunk or sober with sober being the obviously better option. But now I am being cut out of her life and I am sad and scared.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by Losthubby 
My wife has been in aa for about 5 months now. She is doing very well with her recovery. She never hit rock bottom she simply wanted to make a change in her life and wanted to be there for our two kids. I have completely supported her in her efforts. I leave work early twice a week so that she can go to meetings and she is meeting with her sponsor 1-2 times a week outside of meetings.
My problem is the conventions with the dances and the barbeques that she is choosing to go to rather than spend time with the family. these are things that we are not invited to. I see her so little these days and I miss my wife. I am trying to be supportive but the social things outside of meetings make me feel insecure. It doesn't help that we have only been sexual twice in the 5 months that she has been in recovery.
I feel like I am losing my wife whom i love deeply. I love my family and I really do not want to give it up. I came from divorced parents and I don't want to do that to my kids either.I was willing to love my wife drunk or sober with sober being the obviously better option. But now I am being cut out of her life and I am sad and scared.
My problem is the conventions with the dances and the barbeques that she is choosing to go to rather than spend time with the family. these are things that we are not invited to. I see her so little these days and I miss my wife. I am trying to be supportive but the social things outside of meetings make me feel insecure. It doesn't help that we have only been sexual twice in the 5 months that she has been in recovery.
I feel like I am losing my wife whom i love deeply. I love my family and I really do not want to give it up. I came from divorced parents and I don't want to do that to my kids either.I was willing to love my wife drunk or sober with sober being the obviously better option. But now I am being cut out of her life and I am sad and scared.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear hubby
There are bound to be some big changes in your marriage, because your wife wont be the same. I am not saying that it will always be like it is now.
She is only 5 months into her recovery. She probably is REALLY dependent on the AA folks right now.
I would bet that there were some underlying problems in your marriage that were masked by her drinking. Now they can come to the surface.
What are you doing for YOU? You need a support group of your own.
There are bound to be some big changes in your marriage, because your wife wont be the same. I am not saying that it will always be like it is now.
She is only 5 months into her recovery. She probably is REALLY dependent on the AA folks right now.
I would bet that there were some underlying problems in your marriage that were masked by her drinking. Now they can come to the surface.
What are you doing for YOU? You need a support group of your own.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Welcome Losthubby. I'm glad I you found us and hope we can be helpful.
My qualifier (qualifier means the addict with whom I was involved) never sought recovery so I have never been in your position. I have heard from others here that the first year of sobriety is hell for the entire family.
Peace to you.
My qualifier (qualifier means the addict with whom I was involved) never sought recovery so I have never been in your position. I have heard from others here that the first year of sobriety is hell for the entire family.
Peace to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 2
I haven't done anything for me. I work or take care of the kids and do everything I can to make sure my wife can take care of herself. I would much rather spend time making sure that our family is strong than spending time on me. Not that I have time right now to spend on me anyway between work the kids and my wife's recovery. I guess I'm just reaching out to see if this gets better or if I should accept that I have two choices to live a life in the shadows while my wife does things with aa people or do the one thing I told myself I would never do and get a divorce. Is there any hope for a life that resembles a healthy marriage? We don't talk much right now as anytime I say anything negative im not being supportive of her recovery and I want to be supportive.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sometimes in early recovery you see this a lot, a need for a support system that is not necessarily your family. They need people around them who get what they are going through.
Give her the space she needs, even though it's time.
Welcome to SR, this is a place of great support.
Give her the space she needs, even though it's time.
Welcome to SR, this is a place of great support.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
I would much rather spend time making sure that our family is strong than spending time on me.
Often we spouses aren't able to see where we need work or help because all of our energy has been focused on the alcoholic, but work and help for ourselves is also very important and necessary for our own healing.
Coming here is a great start.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
It's so great that you are supportive of your wife's recovery, and it gets my hackles up a little that she says you aren't being supportive of it if you bring anything up.
I do think it's so SO important that you get support for yourself. Maybe you can put it that way to her. "I need support also, and I would like us to work together so that I also can get some time for counseling and Alanon meetings."
And maybe some joint counseling after you build up a little support for yourself?
Shes not the only one that needs, or deserves support!
One person can't make sure your family is strong alone. You just can't...and trying for so long takes it's toll on ANYONE. Time together and a renewed sense of bonding might come after a lot of hard work for you both! It's like building a house from the ground up - 2 happy, healthy people is the way to make a rock solid foundation, ya know?
And FWIW....a year is kind of the vague give or take marker for recovering alcoholics to kind of 'plane out ' - emotionally, with sobriety, etc. And dare I say....partners of alcoholics in recovery might take a bout a year to get the whole 'focus on myself and my own happiness' thing figured out as well.
My best to you and ((HUGS))) also. It's some painful stuff.
I do think it's so SO important that you get support for yourself. Maybe you can put it that way to her. "I need support also, and I would like us to work together so that I also can get some time for counseling and Alanon meetings."
And maybe some joint counseling after you build up a little support for yourself?
Shes not the only one that needs, or deserves support!
I would much rather spend time making sure that our family is strong than spending time on me.
And FWIW....a year is kind of the vague give or take marker for recovering alcoholics to kind of 'plane out ' - emotionally, with sobriety, etc. And dare I say....partners of alcoholics in recovery might take a bout a year to get the whole 'focus on myself and my own happiness' thing figured out as well.
My best to you and ((HUGS))) also. It's some painful stuff.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
5 months with a SOBER wife and you are contemplating divorce.
that's what you wanted right, for her to get sober? possibly something you even prayed about? and with her AA meetings and other recovery related activities, she IS sober today?
drinking took a lot of time and thought and planning, probably a lot of covering up, lying, feeling unwell, not being present. when people recover from addiction, there are going to be changes. changes in what they think about life, what they want from life, and how they go about assuring that they maintain sobriety. sobriety doesn't just happen by magic. and there are NO guarantees that sobriety will last. however engaging in a recovery program on a regular basis goes a long way to promoting lifelong abstinence.
that's what you wanted right, for her to get sober? possibly something you even prayed about? and with her AA meetings and other recovery related activities, she IS sober today?
drinking took a lot of time and thought and planning, probably a lot of covering up, lying, feeling unwell, not being present. when people recover from addiction, there are going to be changes. changes in what they think about life, what they want from life, and how they go about assuring that they maintain sobriety. sobriety doesn't just happen by magic. and there are NO guarantees that sobriety will last. however engaging in a recovery program on a regular basis goes a long way to promoting lifelong abstinence.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
For what it's worth, family is allowed/invited to AA events like bbqs and social gatherings, and even Open AA meetings...not sure why you wouldn't be included but maybe give it a little time. The first year sober is really tough, regardless of whether or not the family is solid to begin with.
I agree that you need your own support and that Al Anon is the best place for you to understand the 12 Step model and how to care for yourself while your wife works on her alcoholism. The dynamic in your family has changed. She's not wanting to be the invalid any more. That throws a wrench into who you were, as well. I'm sure you spent a lot of your time worrying and taking care of things and now all that is upended.
Take care of you. You deserve it!
I agree that you need your own support and that Al Anon is the best place for you to understand the 12 Step model and how to care for yourself while your wife works on her alcoholism. The dynamic in your family has changed. She's not wanting to be the invalid any more. That throws a wrench into who you were, as well. I'm sure you spent a lot of your time worrying and taking care of things and now all that is upended.
Take care of you. You deserve it!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here.
My experience:
Alanon is a safe environment for me to see how I've been affected by this Family Disease of Alcoholism. I continually gain insight, strength, acceptance of myself and others, and many life skills I didn't realize could be learned. These things are quite beneficial to me, my marriage and our children.
Before I was able to go to Alanon for myself, I went to learn to be a better parent for my children.
Sponsorship is a great resource in Alanon, just as it is in AA.
My experience:
Alanon is a safe environment for me to see how I've been affected by this Family Disease of Alcoholism. I continually gain insight, strength, acceptance of myself and others, and many life skills I didn't realize could be learned. These things are quite beneficial to me, my marriage and our children.
Before I was able to go to Alanon for myself, I went to learn to be a better parent for my children.
Sponsorship is a great resource in Alanon, just as it is in AA.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
https://al-anon.org
Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics, whether they are drinking or in recovery.
Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics, whether they are drinking or in recovery.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by Losthubby
I haven't done anything for me. I work or take care of the kids and do everything I can to make sure my wife can take care of herself. I would much rather spend time making sure that our family is strong than spending time on me. Not that I have time right now to spend on me anyway between work the kids and my wife's recovery. .
As far as not having time due to your wife's recovery...well her recovery is her responsibility not yours. Alcoholism is a family disease and the entire family needs help and recovery otherwise the system will stay broken....Alanon is one good way to start your healing and recovery but there are other resources such as therapy etc. I can't emphasize enough that if I hadn't recovered myself I would not be where I am now (I am happy now - life has ups and downs of course but I'm better equipped to deal with those now), my XRAH did recover but we discovered as we recovered that we weren't right for each other, his alcoholism and my codependency were masking our true selves - we were just very different people. However that said I waited more than a year to make the decision that we would not get back together ever (I moved out before he sought recovery - actually before he even considered recovery - which was in retrospect one of my best decisions because the space gave me perspective).
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
I've never known an alcoholic who was actually in recovery so my experience there is limited.
Addiction is selfish and this is selfish. You are right to be unhappy with this, in my opinion. You are either a couple or you are not. Now, she may decide you are not but you absolutely will get no where with any of this until you talk to her.
She might not like your "negative" talk but you might want to approach it as wanting to have a talk about all of this and set a time to sit down to do this.
If she will not, there is nothing you can do about that. You can't force a person to listen. What you can do is decide what YOU are going to do. Whether that means separation for a time or divorce or sticking it out is up to you but that's your choice.
Have you attended Al-Anon at all?
Addiction is selfish and this is selfish. You are right to be unhappy with this, in my opinion. You are either a couple or you are not. Now, she may decide you are not but you absolutely will get no where with any of this until you talk to her.
She might not like your "negative" talk but you might want to approach it as wanting to have a talk about all of this and set a time to sit down to do this.
If she will not, there is nothing you can do about that. You can't force a person to listen. What you can do is decide what YOU are going to do. Whether that means separation for a time or divorce or sticking it out is up to you but that's your choice.
Have you attended Al-Anon at all?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
its not uncommon for a person to go gungho in AA in early recovery. this is where a great sponsor steps into help. not only with the steps, but going INTO the big book and showing what THE program says about what the alcoholic should be doing inside their own family.
Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.
the importance of balance is something sponsors can miss when helping a sponsee.
theres a whole lot going on with your wife right now, but that doesnt give her a free pass to abandon the family.
repairing the family should come before conventions and AA BBQ's
when THE program is worked as written and a sponsor teaches it as written, the sponsee becomes dependant on a HP not of this world.
being dependant on people in AA is a recipe for disaster at any length of recovery time.
we are just imperfect humans.
Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.
the importance of balance is something sponsors can miss when helping a sponsee.
theres a whole lot going on with your wife right now, but that doesnt give her a free pass to abandon the family.
repairing the family should come before conventions and AA BBQ's
when THE program is worked as written and a sponsor teaches it as written, the sponsee becomes dependant on a HP not of this world.
being dependant on people in AA is a recipe for disaster at any length of recovery time.
we are just imperfect humans.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Glad you found us hubby - you'll find tons of experience & support on these boards.
My 1st question to you is what was life like for you & the kids BEFORE she quit?
My 2nd question - what are your expectations about recovery & what are you basing that on? Do you have any history with addiction/alcoholism?
From your post, it seems as though you went from managing life around her addiction to doing the exact same dance around her recovery. So, while things have changed quite a bit for her, they are still relatively the same for you, right? 5 months is still fairly early in this process but also plenty far into it to start making some adjustments like a better balance of personal time for you to work through your side of things.
My 1st question to you is what was life like for you & the kids BEFORE she quit?
My 2nd question - what are your expectations about recovery & what are you basing that on? Do you have any history with addiction/alcoholism?
From your post, it seems as though you went from managing life around her addiction to doing the exact same dance around her recovery. So, while things have changed quite a bit for her, they are still relatively the same for you, right? 5 months is still fairly early in this process but also plenty far into it to start making some adjustments like a better balance of personal time for you to work through your side of things.
Originally Posted by TropicalWinter
You working on yourself while she does the same is the best way to work on having a strong family.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
From your post, it seems as though you went from managing life around her addiction to doing the exact same dance around her recovery. So, while things have changed quite a bit for her, they are still relatively the same for you, right? 5 months is still fairly early in this process but also plenty far into it to start making some adjustments like a better balance of personal time for you to work through your side of things.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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firesprite brings up a point and something ya posted is concerning:
.
do everything I can to make sure my wife can take care of herself.
shes an adult and has to learn how to take care of herself.
Not that I have time right now to spend on me anyway between work the kids and my wife's recovery.
your wifes recovery is her responsibility.
something truly not right here. it reads extremely codependent.
on this:
We don't talk much right now as anytime I say anything negative im not being supportive of her recovery and I want to be supportive
voicing your concerns has NOTHING to do with being supportive of her recovery.
.
do everything I can to make sure my wife can take care of herself.
shes an adult and has to learn how to take care of herself.
Not that I have time right now to spend on me anyway between work the kids and my wife's recovery.
your wifes recovery is her responsibility.
something truly not right here. it reads extremely codependent.
on this:
We don't talk much right now as anytime I say anything negative im not being supportive of her recovery and I want to be supportive
voicing your concerns has NOTHING to do with being supportive of her recovery.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by tomsteve
We don't talk much right now as anytime I say anything negative im not being supportive of her recovery and I want to be supportive
voicing your concerns has NOTHING to do with being supportive of her recovery.
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