FireSprite

.... and how long have we been nagging YOU to change that??

CentralOhioDad

Let's see..... Oh yeah, 5 years and 10 months.

I'm dense

Mango212

Lol. Ahhh! The resistance that arises from nagging.

Acceptance. Of ourselves. Of others.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. All the steps we take are steps of our journey. It's important to honor and acknowledge them.

tomsteve

both sides of the fence here, my friend. completely understand. i went for some time just keeping my mouth shut because i couldnt say anything without it being criticism.
"that was an awesome breakfast. thank you for cooking it."
"you didnt say anything about dinner last night so that must have been crap."
wrong reply?
" i could have made better."
THEN the fight started.

dandylion

In every voluntary, intimate relationship, each person takes on a role.
Fitting together----hand in glove.

Ewwfiate

I had the same feelings during the first 6 or 7 months of my husband’s recovery. I started taking a few hours a week to do something just for me and it helped. I also am a parent so I know It can be a challenge to find time but made me feel more supportive of my husband for doing what he needed because I was doing something for myself. Every situation is different but with time we have become closer then before the sobriety. Good luck!

donewithhurting

I sent you a private message.

Ladysadie

I think that's why they say relationships are "work". I think it's about giving each other some space, so that there is the Me Time for the other to get some self care time, to have the break especially when there are young children in the picture. Some of us have never permitted ourselves (or our partners) to step away for the breather or break they need (Codie behavior). Coming back refreshed and with more trust that your partner understands we all need some Me Time is healthy.

CentralOhioDad

And in a relationship with an A, it's manipulator, and whipping boy. I don't think the hand in glove applies to relationships with A's. I think it's more hand up your a** while they pull the puppet strings.

CentralOhioDad

I encourage AW to go do things with friends - except she doesn't really have any!! She'd rather sit home and drink. And I can't do much for me because she doesn't do much around the house, and I can't go out with friends at night because she's at home drinking and then DS has no sober parent in the house.

Hawkeye13

So when are those papers getting served again COD?

Sounds untenable, and no environment for your son to learn about what relationships "should" be

Gentle nudge. . .

Yixi

Losth and CentralO,

Both of you have been carers for people battling addiction and being a carer is a hard habit to break - carers, quite often, because of their nature and their role can't allow themselves to enjoy "me" time. Often to the point of running them selves ragged in the process - even when the cared for is on the up. I'm delighted when SO's reach a turning point and want to get better. Now though - it's also YOUR turn to get grab a better life too. Holding a different opinion is really OK. If you're not abusing anyone else with that opinion then it's absolutely your RIGHT to have it. If you want to take your kids out and your OH chooses to be elsewhere, then so be it. If you choose to leave the kids with a sitter and go out and enjoy your free time alone, then good for you. Don't you deserve a life that you can enjoy too? I think that you do. Yix x

Yixi

CentralO - just read your last post. I don't mean to be harsh but it isn't your fault that your AW has no friends and prefers drink to sober time with you. It's hers. (I'm speaking as a recovering A here). If you have no family or friends that could help out with DS, do you know of any reputable sitters that may be able to take him once in a while?

DontRemember

That's not living. I figured out,once sober, what I didn't want my life to be with my exAgf. That was basically bars and watching her getting blacked out. She'd even go without me if I said I didn't feel like it..What a trip looking back on it all.

LH- your wife sounds like she's trading one addiction for another here. Booze for AA and I'd be insecure with that too. There's a lot of '13th' steppers in some rooms. I don't say that to worry you,but my exAw tried to get addicted to rehab like it was a vacation from responsibility or something. Never actually using it for it's purpose. I think normal people call that a vacation?

Ladybird579

I don't say that to worry you,but my exAw tried to get addicted to rehab like it was a vacation from responsibility or something. Never actually using it for it's purpose. I think normal people call that a vacation?

Ditto my exah. He has been in rehab as an inpatient constantly in the past 4 years. He gets fed and watered, a lovely room, his laundry done, room cleaned and goes on trips out and holidays with the rehab. Alcoholics are selfish drinking and selfish in recovery. Even tho my exah has never been sober he is worse as a person now then when he was falling down drunk.

atalose

Hi and welcome, as the loved ones of alcoholics I think our thinking is that once the booze is out of the picture and they are sober then everything is going to be pretty good. Our disappointment comes when we realize that somehow the alcohol and all things surrounding it like AA are still # 1 in their lives and we feel pushed aside again.

I think it’s important to learn as much as you can about alcoholism/recovery and what typical behaviors are like for both.

The one thing I did learn early on is that without them being sober nothing else is going to work out very well in their lives. She is in what they consider very early recovery and on one hand it’s great she is embracing it and emerging herself in it. On the other hand balancing all aspects of her life doesn’t seem to be figured out by her yet but will eventually come. I think an honesty discussion about how you feel would be beneficial to both. Try not to make her attempt at sobriety a completion between that and her love for you and her family.

Have you given any thought to al-anon for yourself?

dandylion

COD.....I get the imagery...but, one person can't pull the puppet strings, unless the other person stands still for them to do it.....
My first marriage was a great example of that.....lol....

Might I suggest that this might be time to put your problem solving skills to work......for example---since your situation is not changing....and, you feel very much like the "puppet"....I think that it might be time to consider a live in type of nanny. Companion for your son could be another word for it. At least, part time. This would solve many of your practical concerns. It would allow you more "fart time" from some of the household and childcare duties...as well as the fact that your son would love it....the extra attention....
College age, young adults are great for this....especially graduate students from the local colleges...Because it gives them extra income and they can study when the child is settled in bed, for the night. They can sleep over, and leave early in the morning. They could come at six and sleep over, the night.

I worked as a full time nanny, both of my last summers, in high school. It was great for the families...and, the kids loved having me as their companion.
When I was a single mother with teen agers, I did the same thing with my own kids....I had a graduate student come every school day from three until about seven...which allowed me to have adult supervision in the home and help with driving the k ids to soccer games, etc.....

If you are worried about expenses....consider that you can use the money that you would, otherwise, be spending on divorce proceedings.

Another consideration....If you were, say, a single parent....you would still have to find ways to cope with household duties, and child care....and, find some time for yourself. You will still need a responsible (sober) adult in the home, when you aren't there.
By the way...the nanny/companion can be either male or female.

I do think that isolating in the nest with your son...while your wife is passed out o n the kitchen counter, is going to grow old....or, at least, begin to morph into a very dysfunctional life style for your son....
It can cause your own social wings to atrophy, also.....

Aeryn

I'm a single parent to an almost 5 month old daughter so there is no second parent around (she was born via a surrogate). And I still find time for me. I have a great one day a week nanny so that gives me one day at work without her here so I get more done. Then I have friends who watch her once in a while so I get time for me. I've made time for dinner with friends twice so far and I have to say I came back refreshed and a better happier parent to little E. I also have some friends that even come by for an hour so I can do the taxes or shower etc.

There are a lot of nanny's who would let you take the kid to them as well instead of coming to the house.

If you want it bad enough you can make it happen.

I'd say the biggest thing for this is I do have to plan everything...as a single parent let's say I want to have dinner with friends I plan it and get care in advance. As for household chores well I learned as a single parent that the house does NOT have to look perfect! To be sane there are some things I let go and that's one of them. I also found a friend who for $40 doesn't mind coming and cleaning my house.

There are lots of friends and resources out there I just had to look.