Not Sure What To Say To AH Parents
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 43
Not Sure What To Say To AH Parents
Yesterday AH told his parents that we were getting divorced. He said he told them that I was unhappy and wanted the divorce. This is true, but the reason I'm unhappy he left out for his benefit. His parents have no idea how much he drinks. Our whole marriage I have covered for him so nobody knew how bad it was. Now he makes it seem like on a whim I just want a divorce out of the blue. I really want to sit down with his mother and ask her to please let me know if she suspects him drinking when he has the boys. I want to do this for their benefit, but I worry that his parents will think I'm just trying to make myself look better. I know it's only a matter of time before he starts drinking while they are there. So far they haven't stayed the night with him at all in the last three weeks. They do go over there a couple of hours on his days off. I know his parents will snub me and won't have anything to do with me anymore. They are very well known, traditional, old money, orginal southern families in our area, and see divorce as a scandal no matter how bad the marriage . His mother stayed married to his dad under awful circumstances. I just hate for me to get the blame while he is seen as the victim.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I just hate for me to get the blame while he is seen as the victim.
But there is a REALITY. And you know the score and so does he. And how anyone else judges it is irrelevant.
I really want to sit down with his mother and ask her to please let me know if she suspects him drinking when he has the boys.
Two thumbs up on this one. And it shouldn't even be a question. You KNOW he drinks alcoholically. You know his Mom has strong muscles of denial. So it will be up to you to speak and act in accordance with the reality. "I'm worried about ExAH drinking when he is caring for the children and that is not a safe situation."
That is a non-judgmental factual statement.
The duty of sober adults is to protect the minor children not the adult alcoholic!
The early days of my separation and divorce really s*cked, they were often dark and confusing and overwhelming. Take your time, be gentle with yourself, better days are ahead.
(((((hugs)))))
Peace,
B.
But there is a REALITY. And you know the score and so does he. And how anyone else judges it is irrelevant.
I really want to sit down with his mother and ask her to please let me know if she suspects him drinking when he has the boys.
Two thumbs up on this one. And it shouldn't even be a question. You KNOW he drinks alcoholically. You know his Mom has strong muscles of denial. So it will be up to you to speak and act in accordance with the reality. "I'm worried about ExAH drinking when he is caring for the children and that is not a safe situation."
That is a non-judgmental factual statement.
The duty of sober adults is to protect the minor children not the adult alcoholic!
The early days of my separation and divorce really s*cked, they were often dark and confusing and overwhelming. Take your time, be gentle with yourself, better days are ahead.
(((((hugs)))))
Peace,
B.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
This is true, but the reason I'm unhappy he left out for his benefit.
He lies by omission. You can't trust him or his kin, who will probably defend and enable him.
I really want to sit down with his mother and ask her to please let me know if she suspects him drinking when he has the boys.
You should. Child safety first. You might have to find a way to sound as "neutral" and "business-like" (basically unemotional) as possible when you have this conversation.
I worry that his parents will think I'm just trying to make myself look better.
They will. They love their no-good, selfish, spoiled son.
His mother stayed married to his dad under awful circumstances.
Both of them will blame you for the divorce. They do not share your values. They probably have quite sexist values. You are best off gradually cutting off contact with them if possible (well, this is what I would try to do). But you do have kids, so they have a right to see grandma and grandpa. Your exMIL will really dislike you because of how sorry her son feels about himself post-separation and also because she might even feel jealous that you are leaving a toxic relationship while she has been trapped in one for years and years.
You can't do anything about this. You can only protect your kids as best you can. If that makes you the bad guy, well, those jerks can all have each other. Just make sure they don't put your kids in danger in any way.
I just hate for me to get the blame while he is seen as the victim.
This is why he probably drinks. No one makes him responsible for his actions. He probably has been blaming others for a long time and you're not the first. He sees himself as a victim... so he drinks. It's probable that his view of himself was encouraged by his upbringing and being the victim was somewhat rewarding to him... so he kept doing it. Not that I know him. I'm making assumptions here. Could be wrong. Don't trust his parents.
He lies by omission. You can't trust him or his kin, who will probably defend and enable him.
I really want to sit down with his mother and ask her to please let me know if she suspects him drinking when he has the boys.
You should. Child safety first. You might have to find a way to sound as "neutral" and "business-like" (basically unemotional) as possible when you have this conversation.
I worry that his parents will think I'm just trying to make myself look better.
They will. They love their no-good, selfish, spoiled son.
His mother stayed married to his dad under awful circumstances.
Both of them will blame you for the divorce. They do not share your values. They probably have quite sexist values. You are best off gradually cutting off contact with them if possible (well, this is what I would try to do). But you do have kids, so they have a right to see grandma and grandpa. Your exMIL will really dislike you because of how sorry her son feels about himself post-separation and also because she might even feel jealous that you are leaving a toxic relationship while she has been trapped in one for years and years.
You can't do anything about this. You can only protect your kids as best you can. If that makes you the bad guy, well, those jerks can all have each other. Just make sure they don't put your kids in danger in any way.
I just hate for me to get the blame while he is seen as the victim.
This is why he probably drinks. No one makes him responsible for his actions. He probably has been blaming others for a long time and you're not the first. He sees himself as a victim... so he drinks. It's probable that his view of himself was encouraged by his upbringing and being the victim was somewhat rewarding to him... so he kept doing it. Not that I know him. I'm making assumptions here. Could be wrong. Don't trust his parents.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
My ex's family knows now that he is an alcoholic. That has not stopped them from blaming me for our divorce.
That said, I have been able to communicate to at least my SIL about the safety of our kids. It works best when I say as little as possible, keep it 100% fact based, non-judgemental and ideally about me (which they can't argue) versus him. E.g. "I am very concerned" vs "he is drinking again."
I never try to put her in position to say whether she thinks he is or isn't drinking - or really anything that requires her response, although I have said I would answer any questions if she had them. I have given her info she would need to help watch out for them: "they will be with him over the long weekend."
And I have told her when he has put them in danger and what I intended to do about it. "The nanny reported that he drove the kids drunk tonight. She called me to tell me and ask me to pick them up, so I did. They are with me now, and he is aware. I will be contacting our mediator first thing tomorrow to determine a course of action. I will keep you posted." Etc.
Any time I have veered into discussion of him or his treatment it gets dicey fast. It has been best for my focus to be solely on my children and the bare minimum she should know about what's going on that puts her in position to care for them if need be.
That said, I have been able to communicate to at least my SIL about the safety of our kids. It works best when I say as little as possible, keep it 100% fact based, non-judgemental and ideally about me (which they can't argue) versus him. E.g. "I am very concerned" vs "he is drinking again."
I never try to put her in position to say whether she thinks he is or isn't drinking - or really anything that requires her response, although I have said I would answer any questions if she had them. I have given her info she would need to help watch out for them: "they will be with him over the long weekend."
And I have told her when he has put them in danger and what I intended to do about it. "The nanny reported that he drove the kids drunk tonight. She called me to tell me and ask me to pick them up, so I did. They are with me now, and he is aware. I will be contacting our mediator first thing tomorrow to determine a course of action. I will keep you posted." Etc.
Any time I have veered into discussion of him or his treatment it gets dicey fast. It has been best for my focus to be solely on my children and the bare minimum she should know about what's going on that puts her in position to care for them if need be.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I found that I simply could not have a relationship with my X's family. We are friendly, say hello when we see each other, etc. However, I don't speak to them about anything meaningful. They know who he is, I don't have to tell them.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Is there really anyone left in the country who thinks divorce is a scandal? Even the Queens' children have 3 out of 4 divorces and I'm sure your in-laws have lots of friends whose children have divorced.
There's no reason for you to explain anything, and they probably have a good idea anyway. Once you start justifying yourself it sounds defensive.
Co-parent has given excellent tips on sticking to the facts and keeping your language neutral when briefing your MIL on watching out for the children.
There's no reason for you to explain anything, and they probably have a good idea anyway. Once you start justifying yourself it sounds defensive.
Co-parent has given excellent tips on sticking to the facts and keeping your language neutral when briefing your MIL on watching out for the children.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
If you want your inlaws to help, approach them with humility and respect. Your inlaws are two adults who decided to continue to be married, no matter how it looked. It only mattered what they wanted to do.
Your boys are 50% of you. Your husband is 50% of your inlaws. Imagine that the tables were turned and your husband asked you for a divorce and then you had to explain the situation to your parents. Sometimes you keep things simple while you are still trying to figure things out yourself. Your husband will have to hit rockbottom before he will ever say to someone else that something did not work because of his drinking or other issues that he is responsible for.
Just keep it simple what you explain to them.
"I know that this divorce is not an easy thing for everyone involved. I am concerned about your son and his drinking, as well as the safety of our boys if he has been drinking."
Your boys are 50% of you. Your husband is 50% of your inlaws. Imagine that the tables were turned and your husband asked you for a divorce and then you had to explain the situation to your parents. Sometimes you keep things simple while you are still trying to figure things out yourself. Your husband will have to hit rockbottom before he will ever say to someone else that something did not work because of his drinking or other issues that he is responsible for.
Just keep it simple what you explain to them.
"I know that this divorce is not an easy thing for everyone involved. I am concerned about your son and his drinking, as well as the safety of our boys if he has been drinking."
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What I've learned is I'm powerless over people, places and things; if someone disapproves of me it's none of my business, they are entitled to their beliefs.
All I can do is the next right thing. I suggest letting go of the need to be right.
All I can do is the next right thing. I suggest letting go of the need to be right.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
A fact my friend (a child survivor of an alcoholic father) said was that no matter how close in-laws are during a marriage, it changes and not for the better when divorce comes in to play, especially if it's due to addiction.
The spouse of an addict wanting divorce is seen as someone abandoning their loved one in time of need. They haven't gone through the garbage we have and don't know(or even WANT to know) what hell it is to be married to an active addict.
When we throw in the towel, it then forces them into a couple of minor and unpleasant inconveniences:
1. explaining the divorce to others(other family members, close friends, coworkers, etc; and
2. they're now the ones that will now have to deal with their adult-child's addiction themselves.
There's just no getting around that, and like someone else already said, it's none of our business what others think about us.
It's sad but it becomes just another relationship that gets trashed by all those suffering from one addict's behavior...
The spouse of an addict wanting divorce is seen as someone abandoning their loved one in time of need. They haven't gone through the garbage we have and don't know(or even WANT to know) what hell it is to be married to an active addict.
When we throw in the towel, it then forces them into a couple of minor and unpleasant inconveniences:
1. explaining the divorce to others(other family members, close friends, coworkers, etc; and
2. they're now the ones that will now have to deal with their adult-child's addiction themselves.
There's just no getting around that, and like someone else already said, it's none of our business what others think about us.
It's sad but it becomes just another relationship that gets trashed by all those suffering from one addict's behavior...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
When I was with my AH, I used to beg his parents to see my point of view because I was the one living through hell. They had the comfortable life away from it all. They did not pay heed to anything. When I left, they of course took his side. But eventually my father in law had to quit his job and move to a different state to now be with their adult son. It cause them inconvenience. Now they are back to having to face reality and deal with it. I did not have kids. So your situation is different. Do what you need to do to protect your kids and let them deal with his addiction now. Their shield is gone. You do what you need to for yourself and your kids. Don't worry about what they think or say or tell people. They sowed the seeds now they have to water the plant.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
So sorry you are going through this but as others have said using all of your resources to protect the kids is paramount. Your most important act will be to bring the alcohol abuse to the attention of the court and ask for a sober alert device or other safeguards to protect the kids.
If there is a record of excessive alcohol purchases on credit cards or bar bills that can be documented or other evidence make sure to collect it. He will definitely deny his alcoholism and the fact that it was so hidden will not be helpful.
Have you consulted a lawyer yet?
I also agree that keeping sharing your concerns going forward with the inlaws is warranted but forget sharing history or getting into any details... it will come back to haunt you as they will be biased and he will certainly hear all about what they SAY you said!
If there is a record of excessive alcohol purchases on credit cards or bar bills that can be documented or other evidence make sure to collect it. He will definitely deny his alcoholism and the fact that it was so hidden will not be helpful.
Have you consulted a lawyer yet?
I also agree that keeping sharing your concerns going forward with the inlaws is warranted but forget sharing history or getting into any details... it will come back to haunt you as they will be biased and he will certainly hear all about what they SAY you said!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This, this, this! Bravo, great post! So very true!
Originally Posted by Spinner-007 
A fact my friend (a child survivor of an alcoholic father) said was that no matter how close in-laws are during a marriage, it changes and not for the better when divorce comes in to play, especially if it's due to addiction.
The spouse of an addict wanting divorce is seen as someone abandoning their loved one in time of need. They haven't gone through the garbage we have and don't know(or even WANT to know) what hell it is to be married to an active addict.
When we throw in the towel, it then forces them into a couple of minor and unpleasant inconveniences:
1. explaining the divorce to others(other family members, close friends, coworkers, etc; and
2. they're now the ones that will now have to deal with their adult-child's addiction themselves.
There's just no getting around that, and like someone else already said, it's none of our business what others think about us.
It's sad but it becomes just another relationship that gets trashed by all those suffering from one addict's behavior...
The spouse of an addict wanting divorce is seen as someone abandoning their loved one in time of need. They haven't gone through the garbage we have and don't know(or even WANT to know) what hell it is to be married to an active addict.
When we throw in the towel, it then forces them into a couple of minor and unpleasant inconveniences:
1. explaining the divorce to others(other family members, close friends, coworkers, etc; and
2. they're now the ones that will now have to deal with their adult-child's addiction themselves.
There's just no getting around that, and like someone else already said, it's none of our business what others think about us.
It's sad but it becomes just another relationship that gets trashed by all those suffering from one addict's behavior...
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