Flower123

I haven't seen my son in months and now he is in jail.
Multiple charges I'm sure.
In order to work and maintain my relationships I put him out of my mind.

Lately I feel like I am drowning in guilt...going back in time and thinking I could have done things differently.

I won't accept his calls, part of me is thinking this is the way I can make the pain go away.

Undaunted

This is my first post. Please forgive me...

While my ASD was out using, I did not hear from her for 4 months. I received a call from her begging to come home. I told her NO. She has been sober for 10 months.

I can't tell you all the feelings I went through and felt. Your feelings are normal. Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to express your thoughts. Do not hold this inside. Others are here. We have walked this very path.

Continue to seek another hand.

Codimum

I’m sorry to hear your pain. We mothers have to learn a new way of mothering our adult addicted children. Tough love and saying no are hard ways but we have no choice. I’m sure you’ve said yes many times and it hasn’t helped either of you.

Stay strong!

Seren

Oh Flower

I am just so sorry to hear about your son. And yes, I think many of us can relate to the fact that we just can't think or worry to allow our addict children to take up any more "head space". I've never mentioned this here before, but when my stepson was using crack and being jailed every other month (it seemed) for bad check charges--it affected and almost derailed my work toward my degree.

I finally decided, after a curt meeting with my advisor, that I could not let his addiction and behavior ruin what I had worked so hard for. I still get to have a life in spite of what he is doing!!

I love that young man. I tell him when I can. I let him live his life. I have some semblance of peace.

Hang in there!!

Bute

Detachment must be one of the most difficult things to do - and yet, we have no option, if we want to survive the madness that is addiction.
It broke my heart, and it was hard dealing with the emotions that came with it. As time went, it did become easier.
I told my son that I loved him, but that I would not watch him self destruct, as he was taking me down with him. I couldn't let that happen. So, despite the voice inside my head called mum, I stood my ground.
Life became better for me, and also for him. There's no guarantees with this nightmare, but one thing I did discover is, that no matter if I sacrificed myself to the gods, to stop him drinking and drugging - it would male no difference.

Much love, and strength to you, Flower.
Bute x

Muunray

I've done the same Flower. My daughter has been on the street a couple of weeks maybe now. Every time she contacts me is asking me for money. Today I told her sounds like things aren't going well and maybe she needs help. She said never mind forget it. Later I saw she was online and said hi to her and that I loved her and she said she loved me. Just that little bit I have to be thankful for. Pretty soon her phone will be out of service and I will miss that. Stay strong Flower!

Michellewilkes

When addiction grabs a child it chokes the parent. I also know the life draining squeeze of its grip. My son is 23 and we have been dealing with his addiction on and off for around 7 yrs. I’ve never felt so incapable and helpless, so sad, so lonely. And so very afraid. Addiction has pummeled our family. For years it has been slamming doors, raised voices and endless sleepless nights. I believe for most of our sons and daughters; they began using trying to fill some hollow space in their center. And while trying to fill that space became the addicts. It’s leaves us altered. You want to love your child without helping the addict. I have struggled to recognize the difference helping and enabling. It’s so incredibly painful to witness the deeply ingrained patterns of addicted thinking.

I have learned that letting go does not mean giving up. I have learned that he will continue to manipulate me as long as I allow it. Thru my Nar-Anon group I have learned to detach from the chaos. So the last time he got arrested I did not bail him out...I would not take his calls. Leaving him there was to show him he had to face the consequences of HIS choices; mainly the drugs. Not taking the calls was because I could NOT stay strong. He has been in treatment for the last month; and will be getting on a plane tomorrow to go to sober living in Newport Beach California. Huge step for him. But he knows he can’t come back right now (to Alabama) because he will use by sundown. I don’t ever want him to come back here; not to stay. He has an opportunity to change his life; there is nothing here to come back to except the same ole dumbass group of friends that are doing absolutely nothing with their lives.

There ARE treatment places that absolutely do work; but the addict has to want the change. Is he happy to be going so far from home? Of course not. But home is his “safe place” and he will go right back to using...we’ve been down this road before. And this trip to CA is not at all because we have money....we can barely make it from payday to payday. Our insurance is covering a lot...so far I’ve only had to pay for plane tickets. The places that truly want to help the addict are not asking for thousands of dollars upfront. He was in a sober living place closer to home a couple of years ago that charged 3x a month what he will be paying in CA.

Just don’t give up. Guilt is one of the things I continue to deal with. But I have to have faith in my “higher power”....otherwise all of this hell would have already killed me. There are so many people on this site going thru the exact same thing; and they are always here to listen and give great advice. Reach out to groups/meetings in your local area. Pray. And give yourself a break. The bond of motherhood is a m!&$@~#%*€•!. It DOES get easier...easier to stop beating yourself up and feeling so guilty.

Once upon a time I was just a regular mom stubbing thru parenthood like everyone else. Then I had to figure out how to be the mom of an addict. Hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Pray.

Anaya

Another mom joining in to add my support and prayers for you and your son.

These two paragraphs from Michellewilkes stood out to me -- well said and straight from the heart (