My fiancé has relapsed and has decided to leave..
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Join Date: May 2018
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My fiancé has relapsed and has decided to leave..
My fiancé has had problems with alcohol for a long time. We’ve been together 3 Years. He got sober when he finally started to see the damage the alcohol did to our relationship, he was sober 9 months. Last Monday he relapsed. He disappeared for 4 days, but came home and begged for us to fix it. That he loves me unconditionally. He is an amazing man who loves me. He is sweet and sensitive and would do anything for me...but he goes through these stages of withdrawing from our relationship. He got drunk while I was at work on Thursday and told me he doesn’t care about me anymore...while earlier in the day he was saying how happy he was we love each other and that “we can get through anything, we always do”. I come to find out he has been drinking everyday since he first relapsed last Monday. Now he packed a bag and left again...
This hurts so much that one day he adores me and wants a future with me and he kisses my forehead and says we’ll be okay, but than he turns into this different person who doesn’t want me anymore. I love him so much, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how I’ll afford our apartment and our bills alone either. I just want my best friend back, but he doesn’t even want to speak to me. I texted him that if it’s over it’s time to pack your things...but no answer.
This is so hard and I do not understand I hope that reaching out will help me in some way.
Thank you
This hurts so much that one day he adores me and wants a future with me and he kisses my forehead and says we’ll be okay, but than he turns into this different person who doesn’t want me anymore. I love him so much, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how I’ll afford our apartment and our bills alone either. I just want my best friend back, but he doesn’t even want to speak to me. I texted him that if it’s over it’s time to pack your things...but no answer.
This is so hard and I do not understand I hope that reaching out will help me in some way.
Thank you
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,061
So so glad you found us Happm05. Welcome to Soberrecovery.
Any of us here can attest that what you are experiencing is a hell on earth! The pain is excruciating.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself: eat right, exercise, and go easy on yourself. Also some folks find Alanon to be helpful and the book Codependent No More.
The pain will diminish with time and no contact but it will take time
Big hug to you.
Any of us here can attest that what you are experiencing is a hell on earth! The pain is excruciating.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself: eat right, exercise, and go easy on yourself. Also some folks find Alanon to be helpful and the book Codependent No More.
The pain will diminish with time and no contact but it will take time
Big hug to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,455
The most important thing I have learned about someone else's addiction is that, no matter how much personal it FEELS, it literally has nothing to do with me.
He is like a cyclone right now, spinning out of control and tearing up his life, and taking your life with it. But he is not drinking AT you. Of course that does not diminsh or invalidate the pain he is causing you, for which I am so very sorry. My hope for you is that you can find a way to detach from his behavior in order to look after yourself while he is caught in this whirlwind, and to limit the consequences his actions and choices have on your life. We are here to support you, and we totally get it.
He is like a cyclone right now, spinning out of control and tearing up his life, and taking your life with it. But he is not drinking AT you. Of course that does not diminsh or invalidate the pain he is causing you, for which I am so very sorry. My hope for you is that you can find a way to detach from his behavior in order to look after yourself while he is caught in this whirlwind, and to limit the consequences his actions and choices have on your life. We are here to support you, and we totally get it.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Before I found recovery, I didn't love myself enough to stop drinking, so naturally it resulted in subsequent destructive behavior. Even though I loved, I didn't know how to be in a healthy loving relationship because it had to start with me before I be in a healthy loving relationship with others. If I didn't know how to love myself, how could I possibly know how to love others. I had no experience. Recovery has made that possible and now I have experience.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,710
Hi Happm,
As sparklekitty said, this isn't personal. He is doing what addicts do and that's spending time with his DOC (drug of choice).
Have you done any research on addiction? There is a lot of information here at sober recovery. You might want to start with this:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
That push-pull is pretty normal in a relationship with an alcoholic, he is struggling between you and his first love, which is alcohol. That is, of course, very painful for you.
I hope you take time to read around the forums. "Knowledge is power" is said around here a lot. You do need to know what you are dealing with, especially since you intend or intended to marry this person.
As for the financial side, the apartment and bills, is it possible you can look for a less expensive place? Is it possible he will step up and take responsibility for his part of the rent until your lease is up?
As sparklekitty said, this isn't personal. He is doing what addicts do and that's spending time with his DOC (drug of choice).
Have you done any research on addiction? There is a lot of information here at sober recovery. You might want to start with this:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
That push-pull is pretty normal in a relationship with an alcoholic, he is struggling between you and his first love, which is alcohol. That is, of course, very painful for you.
I hope you take time to read around the forums. "Knowledge is power" is said around here a lot. You do need to know what you are dealing with, especially since you intend or intended to marry this person.
As for the financial side, the apartment and bills, is it possible you can look for a less expensive place? Is it possible he will step up and take responsibility for his part of the rent until your lease is up?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Relapse can do strange things to people. After 9 months Im sure there is a lot of guilt and shame. Not to mention if he has not come to a point of stopping this run, then pushing those he cares about away is a really common scenario I think.
My husband did that to me when he fell apart one time.
My guess is that he will come back around. This is part of the emotional rollercoaster that affects both people in the relationship. All I can really share is how I handled it. Try to stay emotionally calm, figure out how to manage day to day with the expenses and what has to be done. When I was able to talk to my husband I reinforced the support systems we had in place.... family, friends, therapists... and that this could just be a blip that was worked through.
But think about if its something that you want to go through. Its ok if you don't.
My husband did that to me when he fell apart one time.
My guess is that he will come back around. This is part of the emotional rollercoaster that affects both people in the relationship. All I can really share is how I handled it. Try to stay emotionally calm, figure out how to manage day to day with the expenses and what has to be done. When I was able to talk to my husband I reinforced the support systems we had in place.... family, friends, therapists... and that this could just be a blip that was worked through.
But think about if its something that you want to go through. Its ok if you don't.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
KittyCat3 said it.
I'm married to my AW, and we have 4 kids, and this life isn't something you would wish on anyone.
I know you're on the hurting side of this right now, and in a big way. And as with all extreme forms of emotions, it will subside(even if it seems like it's painfully slow to us...)
When (not if) it does, I pray that the realization that what KittyCat said comes to mind for you, and that you'll look at the next sunrise and welcome a future that's brighter than you ever imagined...
I'm married to my AW, and we have 4 kids, and this life isn't something you would wish on anyone.
I know you're on the hurting side of this right now, and in a big way. And as with all extreme forms of emotions, it will subside(even if it seems like it's painfully slow to us...)
When (not if) it does, I pray that the realization that what KittyCat said comes to mind for you, and that you'll look at the next sunrise and welcome a future that's brighter than you ever imagined...
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