Wastinglife

10 plus years of alcohol/substance abuse. Rehab, Therapy, AA, SR. Long-term sobriety eludes me. I have had stints of 6 months, 8 months, a few 30 day spells. I have great difficulty with impulse control even at age 41. A late ADHD diagnoses meant my brain is hard-wired llike that 8 year old boy who can't pay attention in class. I can be fine for months and then out of nowhere get an over-powering impulse that ruins it all. As an adult, impulsive decision-making has destroyed my life. There is no thought behind things I do. Rational thinking gets completely taken out of the picture when I get these urges. When sober, I have had success in resisting the urges but it is a battle that I constantly deal with. All it takes is a split-second and it's like the part of my brain responsible for rational thought shuts down and impulse takes over. Similar to the fight-flight response. Then the cycle starts again. Month long binges ensue. All because of that split-second decision I made a year ago.

During an active binge, I do not think rationally at all. It's just chaos. The fact that I am always one impulsive thought away from ruining sobriety at all times is why long-term sobriety seems unattainable. I am a ticking time-bomb.
Decision-making and impulse control unfortunately are the executive functions of the brain that every adult needs to live a normal life.

Hind-sight is 20/20 really is the phrase that describes how I function. A life like this devoid of any happiness.
.

least

You seem to be resigned to a grim fate. I hope you can find some peace of mind.

Dee74

Hi WL

I was around your age when I quit for good. I had no really confidence in my own ability to it but I had support here and I used it everyday.

I was also really wanting to quit.
I was at the point where no amount of change was out of the question.

I used to say no one understood me and my drinking cos no one else had cerebral palsy. That was a bit of a crock if I'm honest.

I know a lot of people here with ADHD -ppl with long term recovery.
Please don't let that diagnosis stand in your way.

Regardless of the ADHD its clear from the way you write and think that you're not an 8 year old boy anymore.

I hope you'll continue to look for ways to manage your ADHD condition.

Same goes with your alcoholism.

Make a plan for those moments when the madness comes upon you - like it does or did to all of us.

Reach out. Ask for help.

You're not a passive player here like a leaf being carried along in the gutter and you're not a victim - you can do this WL !

D

columbus

You write/express yourself very well.

I don't know anything about ADHD, but this thought occurred to me:

How about having visual reminders of the importance of sobriety/impulse control in various places in your house, car, etc., for those times when you find yourself acting against your best wishes? Perhaps something of great meaning hanging from your rear view mirror in car if you find yourself driving to the shop?

Anna

Wastinglife, you can recover. I'm sorry that you are dealing with ADHD and that it seems to sabotage your recovery, but don't give up. Are you getting treatment or therapy for your ADHD? I hope that you work on managing it as much as you can.

And try to add things to your life that bring you happiness or joy.

Wastinglife

I have received treatment for ADHD. The problem is that the medication is amphetamines. I have abused cocaine and ecstasy in the past and the ADHD meds mimick the effects of those drugs and use multiple doses to get a high. They work well in a single dose but I have great difficulty resisting the urge not to abuse them. My brain anticipates the feeling of being high on them. If I didn 't abuse narcotics in the past, I am sure I could take them as prescribed but unfortunately the memory of how those drugs made me feel never goes away. The fact that I missed a diagnosis in childhood means I turned to alcohol and drugs to self-medicate. My brain has probably been altered in that my reward system is too damaged to take the prescription drugs without abusing them. CBT is not effective as it should be.

Cosima11

I also abused adderall on and off for years.. It probably sped up the alcholism as it was to the point of "needing" a depressant to counteract the stimulants and then needing a stimulant to get out of bed the next day.

Quit the meds. They are legal cocaine (some say meth). Drinking was harder to stop but there's no way I could've done it while still on those.

Ghoster18

Hi your screen names negative I notice
Maybe consider sacredlife or a preciouslife!
I've had a chronic relapse history
Personality disorder and trauma diagnoses
But I gotta say when it comes down to my survival my recovery and my sanity the man in the mirror is in the driving seat!
You are your greatest asset you were CREATED with the AUTHORITY to overcome this problem.
Check your beliefs because they are the fuel upon which your life flows!
Self fulfilling prophecies!!
I have banned the words I CAN'T!!!
from my vocabulary they serve no positive purpose!
I CAN I WILL I AM STRONG I AM HEALTHY I AM A WINNER!!
I'm a sober winner I'm in recovery it's exciting!!
Try that labels of this diagnosis and that are rotten seeds that infiltrate our minds and hold us back
Drop every detrimental rock every label society pins on you look in the mirror shake your fist . It's game ON!!. Action action action.
Your intelligent articulate and worth it your not 8 years old!!
I SEE ME IN YOU THAT' S WHY I CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR THREAD I DONT AGREE WITH YOUR SCREEN NAME IT'S EXPRESSING DEFEAT!!
YOU NEED TO WIN THIS BATTLE!!
BEST TO YOU ITS A BEAUTIFUL LIFE DONT WASTE IT!
DROP KICK THE VICTIM HES NOT YOUR FRIEND!!
AND GO THRIVE BROTHER!!
G

Nonsensical

The alcoholic living in my head hid behind my ADHD for a while telling me I was too sick to get better.

Just another lie it was my mistake to believe.

When I stopped believing there was no way and started looking for a way, I found my way.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.