Michellewilkes

Just found this forum today. Searching google and other places for any thing I can read to try to get answers/advice from other parents dealing with an addicted child. My 23 yr old son has been in and out of treatment places; we have spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to help him; and it is worse now than it has ever been. My life is completely out of control!! My every waking moment is thinking about something to do with him and his addiction. He was just arrested two days ago, on Monday, possession. The difference this time is that I have decided I am not bailing him out of jail and the guilt is literally killing me!! I know that by now he is going thru withdrawals and he is getting desperate to get out!! He was arrested back in March...and when I bailed him out that time he literally cussed me out ALL the way home. I told him then that if it happened again I would NOT get him out. I have tried everything over the years!! We even had the real "intervention" like you see on tv....hired a true real life interventionist...he went to treatment...and was using 3 days after he got home. So...since nothing I have ever done has worked I decided to allow him to sit in jail...face his consequences...and realize that I am truly tired of "fixing" everything for him. I recently started going to a local Nar-Anon class for support...It has helped to have someone to talk to...but the lump I have had in my throat since his arrest on Monday...yeah...nothing is helping with that. I am so very scared he will get hurt in jail. Please someone give me some advice!!

elissa1962

Hi, your post connected with me. My daughter is an addict, so I know the panic and frustration you are feeling. I'm sure somebody else will tell you to post this in the friends and family section. It has a lot of smart people who know exactly what you are dealing with. My daughter has never gotten herself arrested, she's very lucky. But I told her if she did, do not call me because I won't be coming or hiring any lawyers. I know how much rehabs cost and we have done that too with the same results you have had. As they say in Naranon, sometimes doing nothing is doing something, also, let go or be dragged is another good one. My advice is get yourself to a meeting where you can meet other people who know what you are going through. I know how hard it is to let go, but believe me, its the only way to save your sanity. Let him sit there in withdrawal. Let him think where his life is getting him. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Post in the friends and family section. You will get a lot of good advice there. Hang in there!

Anna

Hi, I'm very sorry for your situation, but it's good that your son is safe in jail.

I'm glad that you are getting support for yourself at Nar-Anon.

You might like to check out our Friends & Families Forum:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/

FreeOwl

I've watched a friend of mine put his parents through this same thing for years.

It's been going on for decades.

They kept trying to "save" him.

They spent all their money. They ran out of any way to really help.

But still they'd come 'rescue' him from his circumstances.

He's finally wound himself up in a situation they won't be able to help him escape. He's going to prison. Prison might be what actually saves him.

It's been painful to watch his family continue to suffer. They wouldn't listen to me when I told them to let him bear his consequences. Let him face whatever circumstances his addiction created. ONLY let him know he's loved and when he gets help and recovers, they're there for him in support for his recovery.

I even allowed myself to get emotionally consumed at times. Got too tied up in his story myself here and there and had to reset, step back, establish boundaries.

As a parent of 4 kids (one of whom has begun experimenting with drugs and exhibiting addictive tendencies already at 17) - I understand the fundamental drive to help, support, save..... I understand the heart-wrenching awfulness.....

As a man in recovery from drugs and alcohol - a son who was saved and bailed out more times than I should have been - I can tell you definitively the best way to serve your child is to let him face his music.

He is 23 years old. He is an adult. He has made choices. Those choices have consequence.

Addiction will take him as far as he wants to bear it.... he will only change when the fear of changing becomes less than the pain of remaining the same.

You need to step back, take a breath, take care of yourself and disconnect.

Gottalife

I am in almost th reverse position. I was the son. Sobered up when I was 22 years old. The people that helped me the most were those that refused to help me out, or tolerate my intolerable behaviour. It was a lonely road in the end, but if they had kept bailing me out I would have kept drinking.

My mother has had all the intervention and treatment deals going. Still refuses to sober up. Nothing more I can do.

I also have a son who is in a kind of no mans land. I worry about drink and drugs, I believe it is undermining his life, but it is not obvious like it was with me. So far just a minor problem that he is happy to live with is how I would put it. Just the thought that he may have to go through what I went through really scares me though.

I would suggest Alanon. You really do have to take care of yourself. My dad got very ill as a result of my drinking, then he had to put up with mum.

Rar

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I think you're doing the right thing, but I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I agree with Elissa when she says, "Sometimes doing nothing, is doing something". Hang in there.

jhonnyspa

like the other members state it is best for your son to Firstly, accept he has an addiction and after that, it is up to him if he wants to seek recovery or not.You can bring a horse to water but not make him drink, I do not think jail will make him sober up permanently unless he wants it for himself.

least

You may feel badly about it, but not bailing him out is the best thing you can do for him. Let him face the consequences of his actions.

Ladysadie

Some great advice here, hope it gets you some relief of the angst you are feeling.

Several resources you might also visit:

PALgroup.org (parents of addicted loved ones)

Loving your child through addiction (google for their address)

Parents of Prisoners (also google)

Mandy73

Im so sorry that you are going through this. I have a 24 year old son with mental health issues as well as addiction. He was in rehab and then came home and used and ended up committed to the mental hospital. He has been there for a few weeks now. He is being released for the weekend and then returned to the addictions unit on Monday.
Its been awful so I can only imagine your fear for your being in jail. Im so sorry from one Mom to another that you are goung through this. It has been so hard I really get it. I really admire that you have been able to stand firm. Its not easy to do. Hang in there and know you arent alone! Praying both our sons get the help they need.

Ladysadie

Michelle - this article might be help you, some good info. Sending you fellowship of someone who has been where you are, it's a gnarly path but you can be armed with information to help you stay the course and be supportive in a loving way for your son. I always thought the "tough love" was hardest on the parent. It sucks.

Parent of drug addict help: Top 10 truths to help parents

thomas11

I'm sorry for your situation and I don't know if my comment will help. I was destitute in my late 20's and my parents threw me a lifeline. I took it and never looked back. I went from no job, no car, no place to live, nothing to good job, insurance, house, college degree etc...

My point is that you can only try to help so much, if it is not accepted there is not much to do.

FreedomCA

I have one of those sets of parents who, like you, always bailed me out of difficult circumstances. Lost my wallet drunk at concert, they went and found it for me. Got robbed when I was drunk, they made all the phone calls while I was withdrawing to get everything replaced. Drunk in no man’s land, they came and found me and gave me ride home. Here is the thing though. Witnessing all of this and seeing how much they loved me always made me want to try that much harder to stay sober and not have problems and drama. A lot of people in the mental health and addiction field will say my parents were enabling me and should not have been. But what I’m saying is: who knows? Maybe I would not be alive today or not be where I am had they not helped me. Just sharing my perspective and expressing my gratitude for my parents “enabling”, “rescuing” and “bailing” me out. 😊😊😁. And I am sober today.

Michellewilkes

Thanks so much for all the comments and awesome advice from my earlier message!!! It truly helps....mainly to know I am not alone. I know that making my son sit in jail instead of bailing him out is not a cure. I don’t believe jail is the answer he needs. I am simply trying to make him realize that his addiction has consumed my entire life long enough. He needs to face the music for his actions. He called earlier today and cussed my husband because we have not bailed him out yet. So that shows me he is still all about “self”. Never mind we spent $300 today getting his car out of impound...a car that WE make the payments on because ALL of his money goes to drugs!! Never mind I literally just got done paying off the bond from his arrest from March. If we get him out he will literally be out before dark to get more drugs. Hopefully after a couple of weeks in jail it will start to sink in that he needs to make changes in his life. Thanks again to everyone that replied. You all have no idea how MUCH it all helped. God Bless

teatreeoil007

Maybe while he's in jail he can at last realize just how his addiction has gotten him there and sit with that for the time being; in other words, face the music. You are doing the right thing Michelle...but I know it must be very very hard...a mother's heart has a 'silver string' that attaches itself to their children starting when they are in the womb and that "silver string" stays put for life. So, your heart gets tugged on pretty significantly when your child does things that are unhealthy and destructive and scary.

We are here for you no matter what. From one mom to another, sending you a big hug. Take good care of yourself....you are worth it.

totfit

If your son drinks like I did, he is safer in jail than out and about. He is certainly no more likely to get hurt in jail. I hope I don't have to make those tough choices down the road, but it is possible. I do know that following through on what we say is important. You told him you would not bail him out again after his last behavior and that was a just thing to say and following through I would think the proper thing. It is not your behavior that is in question, nor should be in question. I have not "yet" been in your position. You have nothing to feel guilty about, but I am sure it hurts and is not easy. I wish both of you the best.