Day 11 - the come and go
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Day 11 - the come and go
Hosted a big family dinner at my place last night with my wife. Didn't drink. Went to gym early today. Didn't drink. Did laundry. Didn't drink. Going to spend the day outside with my son, Sunday paper, some football tossing, gorgeous day. Won't be drinking.
The pangs and the thoughts and urges and reminisces come and my Beast pipes up - remember me! This won't last!
But I'm not drinking anymore.
So I ride the waves and sometimes I feel emboldened by sobriety and sometimes I feel envious and cheated and angry.
Both thoughts pass though, like every thought passes. When I come out the other side, I'm still sober. Which is all that matters.
The pangs and the thoughts and urges and reminisces come and my Beast pipes up - remember me! This won't last!
But I'm not drinking anymore.
So I ride the waves and sometimes I feel emboldened by sobriety and sometimes I feel envious and cheated and angry.
Both thoughts pass though, like every thought passes. When I come out the other side, I'm still sober. Which is all that matters.
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AV snuck up on me twice nice and hard.
Went to a food festival with my son, gorgeous day, lots of day drinking, rose booths, IPAs all over the place.
Later I went into the laundromat and literally saw a couple folding laundry with a pint of vodka they were pouring into small cups for each other. They looked so happy. I thought how sweet it would be to get a shimmering, heavy buzz on and enjoy the late Sunday weather.
Didn't drink but heard my Beast calling loud and clear.
Went to a food festival with my son, gorgeous day, lots of day drinking, rose booths, IPAs all over the place.
Later I went into the laundromat and literally saw a couple folding laundry with a pint of vodka they were pouring into small cups for each other. They looked so happy. I thought how sweet it would be to get a shimmering, heavy buzz on and enjoy the late Sunday weather.
Didn't drink but heard my Beast calling loud and clear.
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You're sounding positive and strong, Less. Good for you ignoring your Beast, it's been talking to me today as well. Great weather, sunshine and shorts, warm deck, have my sprinklers going and yard mowed. Pretty hard to ignore that voice .... but today I shall give it my middle finger!
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Dee - Oh yes I know! Irrational Beast doesn't think about the fact that at 9:30 tonight I'll be sober, calm, reading, ready for the week instead of blinking away my drunkenness, knowing that I'll be up at 3am for hours in a state of brutalized anxiety. The Beast just sees that pint being shared, knows that sweet dull feeling can't be had any other way - and whispers thoughts of oblivion.
But, as Lady put it, it's the finger to the Beast today. Always.
But, as Lady put it, it's the finger to the Beast today. Always.
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You did great Less with the the dinner party last night and now these 2 events today. A lot to be hammered with so close together. I don't know why the Beast gets louder during nice weather for a lot of us. 
I get the oblivion part. I think most of us do.
I get the oblivion part. I think most of us do.
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I thought how sweet it would be to get a shimmering, heavy buzz on and enjoy the late Sunday weather.
in a laundromat.
i'm pretty sure that heavy buzz and enjoy don't go in the same sentence....?
in a laundromat.
i'm pretty sure that heavy buzz and enjoy don't go in the same sentence....?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
I thought how sweet it would be to get a shimmering, heavy buzz on and enjoy the late Sunday weather.
in a laundromat.
i'm pretty sure that heavy buzz and enjoy don't go in the same sentence....?
in a laundromat.
i'm pretty sure that heavy buzz and enjoy don't go in the same sentence....?
What a Beast it is.
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here's the thing....we are all gonna get thoughts now and then....THEM thoughts.....just yesterday while settling in for a nap, my mind went to little glass tubes and brillo......for absolutely NO reason.....my mind HAD been swirling around work stuff, so i pulled that back, no no it's the weekend, no work stuff - so the brain said, ok well then how about THIS???
as was mentioned on SR today, thoughts are really just a parade....something we watch pass by from the sidewalk. there might be marching bands, then floats, then horses, then another marching band....the trick is to just let the parade pass........we may be more sensitive to using thoughts, but if we pay attention, we have hundreds of thoughts each day. no one thought has any more impact if we don't give them any.
as was mentioned on SR today, thoughts are really just a parade....something we watch pass by from the sidewalk. there might be marching bands, then floats, then horses, then another marching band....the trick is to just let the parade pass........we may be more sensitive to using thoughts, but if we pay attention, we have hundreds of thoughts each day. no one thought has any more impact if we don't give them any.
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Hey, you know... my AV rages at good weather, "fun times," off times, events, etc..
Lately I've caught myself saying things like "this is exactly the type or time of day I would have drank before." Good weather is a big trigger for me, so is having a rock solid day at work. Kicking ass and being on top of things makes my ego flare and that's a sure fire gateway to my AV. I never drank when I was down - always when I was up.
I've been saying "this is exactly the type of day/ moment I would have drank" so often I've spotted a pattern and am starting to try to condition myself to think of it from a different perspective:
"this is exactly the good weather I would have crapped all over by getting drunk." Or, "this accomplishment at work is exactly the the opportunity I would have crapped all over by getting drunk and undermining it."
I'm realizing I was crapping all over anything in my life worth really enjoying. All the damn time. It always started innocently enough - but I guess we know where that ends up eh?
Not trying to hijack or make this about me. Just maybe sharing what I think I see as a common connection maybe?
I dunno... it's clear to me though that I'm going to have to recondition myself a bit to either replace or learn to enjoy things for what they are so that I can experience the fact that they really are better sober. Over time I have confidence that my brain will re-wire. Can't push that river over night I suppose. But then, that's why we have places like this isn't it?
Good to see you with momentum bud.
-B
Lately I've caught myself saying things like "this is exactly the type or time of day I would have drank before." Good weather is a big trigger for me, so is having a rock solid day at work. Kicking ass and being on top of things makes my ego flare and that's a sure fire gateway to my AV. I never drank when I was down - always when I was up.
I've been saying "this is exactly the type of day/ moment I would have drank" so often I've spotted a pattern and am starting to try to condition myself to think of it from a different perspective:
"this is exactly the good weather I would have crapped all over by getting drunk." Or, "this accomplishment at work is exactly the the opportunity I would have crapped all over by getting drunk and undermining it."
I'm realizing I was crapping all over anything in my life worth really enjoying. All the damn time. It always started innocently enough - but I guess we know where that ends up eh?
Not trying to hijack or make this about me. Just maybe sharing what I think I see as a common connection maybe?
I dunno... it's clear to me though that I'm going to have to recondition myself a bit to either replace or learn to enjoy things for what they are so that I can experience the fact that they really are better sober. Over time I have confidence that my brain will re-wire. Can't push that river over night I suppose. But then, that's why we have places like this isn't it?
Good to see you with momentum bud.
-B
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Originally Posted by Buckley3
Hey, you know... my AV rages at good weather, "fun times," off times, events, etc..
Lately I've caught myself saying things like "this is exactly the type or time of day I would have drank before." Good weather is a big trigger for me, so is having a rock solid day at work. Kicking ass and being on top of things makes my ego flare and that's a sure fire gateway to my AV. I never drank when I was down - always when I was up.
I've been saying "this is exactly the type of day/ moment I would have drank" so often I've spotted a pattern and am starting to try to condition myself to think of it from a different perspective:
"this is exactly the good weather I would have crapped all over by getting drunk." Or, "this accomplishment at work is exactly the the opportunity I would have crapped all over by getting drunk and undermining it."
I'm realizing I was crapping all over anything in my life worth really enjoying. All the damn time. It always started innocently enough - but I guess we know where that ends up eh?
Not trying to hijack or make this about me. Just maybe sharing what I think I see as a common connection maybe?
I dunno... it's clear to me though that I'm going to have to recondition myself a bit to either replace or learn to enjoy things for what they are so that I can experience the fact that they really are better sober. Over time I have confidence that my brain will re-wire. Can't push that river over night I suppose. But then, that's why we have places like this isn't it?
Good to see you with momentum bud.
-B
Lately I've caught myself saying things like "this is exactly the type or time of day I would have drank before." Good weather is a big trigger for me, so is having a rock solid day at work. Kicking ass and being on top of things makes my ego flare and that's a sure fire gateway to my AV. I never drank when I was down - always when I was up.
I've been saying "this is exactly the type of day/ moment I would have drank" so often I've spotted a pattern and am starting to try to condition myself to think of it from a different perspective:
"this is exactly the good weather I would have crapped all over by getting drunk." Or, "this accomplishment at work is exactly the the opportunity I would have crapped all over by getting drunk and undermining it."
I'm realizing I was crapping all over anything in my life worth really enjoying. All the damn time. It always started innocently enough - but I guess we know where that ends up eh?
Not trying to hijack or make this about me. Just maybe sharing what I think I see as a common connection maybe?
I dunno... it's clear to me though that I'm going to have to recondition myself a bit to either replace or learn to enjoy things for what they are so that I can experience the fact that they really are better sober. Over time I have confidence that my brain will re-wire. Can't push that river over night I suppose. But then, that's why we have places like this isn't it?
Good to see you with momentum bud.
-B
Trying to take an observers role these days, just watching my Beast call for the booze, deny it, see the frustration and self-pity come and go.
Simple as hunger sometimes. Tonight I was craving a big scoop of this espresso almond butter crap, I really wanted some. But I just said no and then didn't realize until 20 minutes later that the overwhelming urge to have some had already entirely passed through me. Yet earlier I was seized by it almost physically!
No real difference than surfing the urges to drink.
Life is so much better sober, even this early in the game.
Thanks to everyone. Staying strong and clean again tonight.
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My Beast hates me not drinking , always did.
For good, bad or indifferent I decided to kill, get rid of drunk/drinking Me, the me that more often than (most often) did Its bidding.
It hates being cut off from Its precious stuff and barks AV at me about missing out , about depriving myself of the buzz. The buzz was the reward I ate up for being a good provider servicing the raw desire . There is never a bottom to that desire , It can’t be filled , It is like the Terminator “that’s what It does, that’s All that it does”.
There may not be a bottom or end to the urge/desire , but there is a finite amount of life , mind , body and soul to use up in serving the Beast.
Mine still barks AV , always will , but there is no longer a Me that drinks , It is barking up the wrong tree so to speak.
IT can try and make Me pine after the buzz and oblivion but I decided I’ve paid enough, more than enough.
Once you decide , all the way down , you paid enough , you’ll hear IT pine but You won’t feel it.
Hoping you’ve made the decision and wishing it to be true is keeping the door open and a crack is all IT needs. Making a stand , taking a resolute course isn’t fighting for freedom , it’s giving it to yourself.
Hoping you ‘can beat this thing’ is a tacit acknowledgment that you may not , and It drools at the prospect.
For good, bad or indifferent I decided to kill, get rid of drunk/drinking Me, the me that more often than (most often) did Its bidding.
It hates being cut off from Its precious stuff and barks AV at me about missing out , about depriving myself of the buzz. The buzz was the reward I ate up for being a good provider servicing the raw desire . There is never a bottom to that desire , It can’t be filled , It is like the Terminator “that’s what It does, that’s All that it does”.
There may not be a bottom or end to the urge/desire , but there is a finite amount of life , mind , body and soul to use up in serving the Beast.
Mine still barks AV , always will , but there is no longer a Me that drinks , It is barking up the wrong tree so to speak.
IT can try and make Me pine after the buzz and oblivion but I decided I’ve paid enough, more than enough.
Once you decide , all the way down , you paid enough , you’ll hear IT pine but You won’t feel it.
Hoping you’ve made the decision and wishing it to be true is keeping the door open and a crack is all IT needs. Making a stand , taking a resolute course isn’t fighting for freedom , it’s giving it to yourself.
Hoping you ‘can beat this thing’ is a tacit acknowledgment that you may not , and It drools at the prospect.
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Early morning at the gym and lots of Beast chatter.
Last night talking with my wife about a weekend party we are hosting for a friend's engagement. A couple days ago I had mentioned that it was going to be odd being sober around these people - hard drinking, super social party people. My wife then said, "I'll be sober too" - she's pregnant - as if there was a comparison.
Then last night we were talking again about planning the party and I mentioned that I wasn't in the mood to talk plans - nothing to do with drinking. My wife said "You are upset because you aren't going to drink. This is going to be a long life..." or something along those lines. We went back and forth for a moment, I didn't really feel like engaging, and then the night ended.
I hear my Beast this morning seizing on that conversation in many ways. He is saying both "See, your wife doesn't want you to be totally abstinent - she wishes you could drink like a normal person! You shouldn't upset her! Just think, this gives you an excuse to drink..." and also "See, your wife doesn't understand your pain and how far down the rabbit hole you've already run! She doesn't know and can't relate - you and I are alone in this buddy! It's just us and the wine! Let's get a drink sometime, maybe not today sure, but let's drink in the future because we are in this together!"
Something of that sort.
Not drinking now. Just recognizing the Beast and his AV, now and always.
Last night talking with my wife about a weekend party we are hosting for a friend's engagement. A couple days ago I had mentioned that it was going to be odd being sober around these people - hard drinking, super social party people. My wife then said, "I'll be sober too" - she's pregnant - as if there was a comparison.
Then last night we were talking again about planning the party and I mentioned that I wasn't in the mood to talk plans - nothing to do with drinking. My wife said "You are upset because you aren't going to drink. This is going to be a long life..." or something along those lines. We went back and forth for a moment, I didn't really feel like engaging, and then the night ended.
I hear my Beast this morning seizing on that conversation in many ways. He is saying both "See, your wife doesn't want you to be totally abstinent - she wishes you could drink like a normal person! You shouldn't upset her! Just think, this gives you an excuse to drink..." and also "See, your wife doesn't understand your pain and how far down the rabbit hole you've already run! She doesn't know and can't relate - you and I are alone in this buddy! It's just us and the wine! Let's get a drink sometime, maybe not today sure, but let's drink in the future because we are in this together!"
Something of that sort.
Not drinking now. Just recognizing the Beast and his AV, now and always.
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Posts: 674
Originally Posted by lessgravity
Early morning at the gym and lots of Beast chatter.
Last night talking with my wife about a weekend party we are hosting for a friend's engagement. A couple days ago I had mentioned that it was going to be odd being sober around these people - hard drinking, super social party people. My wife then said, "I'll be sober too" - she's pregnant - as if there was a comparison.
Then last night we were talking again about planning the party and I mentioned that I wasn't in the mood to talk plans - nothing to do with drinking. My wife said "You are upset because you aren't going to drink. This is going to be a long life..." or something along those lines. We went back and forth for a moment, I didn't really feel like engaging, and then the night ended.
I hear my Beast this morning seizing on that conversation in many ways. He is saying both "See, your wife doesn't want you to be totally abstinent - she wishes you could drink like a normal person! You shouldn't upset her! Just think, this gives you an excuse to drink..." and also "See, your wife doesn't understand your pain and how far down the rabbit hole you've already run! She doesn't know and can't relate - you and I are alone in this buddy! It's just us and the wine! Let's get a drink sometime, maybe not today sure, but let's drink in the future because we are in this together!"
Something of that sort.
Not drinking now. Just recognizing the Beast and his AV, now and always.
Last night talking with my wife about a weekend party we are hosting for a friend's engagement. A couple days ago I had mentioned that it was going to be odd being sober around these people - hard drinking, super social party people. My wife then said, "I'll be sober too" - she's pregnant - as if there was a comparison.
Then last night we were talking again about planning the party and I mentioned that I wasn't in the mood to talk plans - nothing to do with drinking. My wife said "You are upset because you aren't going to drink. This is going to be a long life..." or something along those lines. We went back and forth for a moment, I didn't really feel like engaging, and then the night ended.
I hear my Beast this morning seizing on that conversation in many ways. He is saying both "See, your wife doesn't want you to be totally abstinent - she wishes you could drink like a normal person! You shouldn't upset her! Just think, this gives you an excuse to drink..." and also "See, your wife doesn't understand your pain and how far down the rabbit hole you've already run! She doesn't know and can't relate - you and I are alone in this buddy! It's just us and the wine! Let's get a drink sometime, maybe not today sure, but let's drink in the future because we are in this together!"
Something of that sort.
Not drinking now. Just recognizing the Beast and his AV, now and always.
I know that AA turns a lot of people off with the 'higher power' thing, and I admittedly struggle with that too - to the point it can become a distraction if I let it. That said, it really is more open and less preachy than I think people think it is. It also forces me to confront my ego and stop playing God and all-mighty Mr. Judgemental... parts of me that undoubtedly are driving forces of my alcoholism.
Either route seems to me quite valid in addressing some of the underlying issues - whether a person perceives them as spirtual issues or the neuroscience of brain plasticity & rewiring via behavior recognition & changing patterns of thought likely doesn't matter if it addresses the issue.
-B
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Originally Posted by Buckley3
I'm curious where your interest level is in a program such as AA or some sort of AVRT/ Rational Recovery derivative. Seems both are geared toward preventing the 'dry drunk' issues.
I know that AA turns a lot of people off with the 'higher power' thing, and I admittedly struggle with that too - to the point it can become a distraction if I let it. That said, it really is more open and less preachy than I think people think it is. It also forces me to confront my ego and stop playing God and all-mighty Mr. Judgemental... parts of me that undoubtedly are driving forces of my alcoholism.
Either route seems to me quite valid in addressing some of the underlying issues - whether a person perceives them as spirtual issues or the neuroscience of brain plasticity & rewiring via behavior recognition & changing patterns of thought likely doesn't matter if it addresses the issue.
-B
I know that AA turns a lot of people off with the 'higher power' thing, and I admittedly struggle with that too - to the point it can become a distraction if I let it. That said, it really is more open and less preachy than I think people think it is. It also forces me to confront my ego and stop playing God and all-mighty Mr. Judgemental... parts of me that undoubtedly are driving forces of my alcoholism.
Either route seems to me quite valid in addressing some of the underlying issues - whether a person perceives them as spirtual issues or the neuroscience of brain plasticity & rewiring via behavior recognition & changing patterns of thought likely doesn't matter if it addresses the issue.
-B
I'm rereading Rational Recovery now - read it many years ago. Taking my time with it, working through it. I like going to meetings though, here and there - at least ones that I find inspirational/reminders of why. I have a Sat morning one here in my city that is terrific.
But it's RR for me. Not that there needs to be just one solution.
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