Ddavy3

Hi, I'm am alcoholic who wants to stop drinking, I'm a functioning alcoholic who is on the verge of collapse!.I can see my rock bottom fast approaching, but I can't seem to stop the spiral down. I've spent over last 3 years without my wife knowing all of our savings on a bottle of whiskey a night, generally only a half a night so I can still work the following day, but it's got to the point I have a day off, while wife n kids are at work/school I'll get hammered during day. And just before they all get home, I'll go to bed and fake ya migraine. And if( no if but like today, no kids n wife) I've a day to myself I'll go buy a bottle, and drink, till I'm dick then drink again, and then before family get home I will fake illness to deflect any concern.
I can't continue like this, I'm gonna lose my wife of 14 years and my kids if I continue, but if I admit my problems to my wife I may still lose them. And if that happens I know for a fact I'll give up and lose myself in tbe bottle.
I stopped drinking 9 years ago, I came clean to my missus and went to AA and all was good for a while, I didn't drink, I lost weight, life was good. Then after approx 4 years I started drinking again, it started at a wedding, just a simple bucks fizz, but the buzz was real, and I missed it. Didn't drink again for a few months after that as I was scared, but the temptation, the urge, the hunger to drink again slowly became overwhelming.. I eventually gave in and bought a half bottle of whiskey, which I hid in my bag for a fortnight before I finally succumbed and had a small glass. Omg it felt like heaven, (while ignoring the fact that was the start of my world collapsing) only a small glass that night, and I slept like a baby, for the first time in ages.
Im on anti depression tablets now, yea I know alcohol doesn't help.
But the first thing I think about in the morning, is when and where I can get my fix without family knowing, and how much I can drink and still get thru the day at work.
Doesn't allways work.
Today my missus and kids went to sister in laws for a couple of days.
First thing I did was phone in sick, walk round d shop and buy a litre of whiskey, it's allways gone, and I want more!
I need help, I'm scared. I'm scared of drinking more, I'm scared of not drinking, I'm scared of being honest with wife, I'm scared of her leave, as I know I'll go Into freefall and drink my life away. I started running a year ago ish to try and help combat my depression, and it helped for a while, I entered races, ran half marathons etc, and the buzz was good but it wasn't a drunk buzz. No contest.
I'm a **** head who is on the verge of losing everything.
I've not contemplated suicide, but the thought of not waking up the following day is very very very appealing
Help please

bluedog97

Welcome Ddavy3. Like you, alcohol took most of us to the depths of dispair searching for the way up. I kept chasing that initial buzz as well - it’s the consequences that we can’t live with. It’s amazing how alcohol can compound about every problem that we’re facing, all the while we’re using it for escape and relief. It just makes everything worse!

Continue to read and post around SR. You’ll see a lot of familiar stories.

Stride34

That sounds pretty rough but the good thing is it doesn't sound like you suffered any major consequences yet. Still have your family ,job, health it sounds like. Might be a good time to quit while your still ahead?

Dee74

Hi and welcome Ddavy

I recommend you use this site daily or more than daily. Post for help and you'll get it

The support and understanding I received here helped me stop drinking and turn my life around.

I know we can help you too

is going back to AA an option ?

D

Gottalife

Go back to AA and this time work all 12 steps and get into all three sides of the circle triangle. Recovery Unity and Service.