Cuckoo

So my daughter has started drinking wine of an evening. My partner blames my behaviour and of course he is right.
I am terrified that she will follow my path.
Please send me positive energy.....EVERYTHING has to change RIGHT NOW.
I love her too much to drag her down my disgusting path.
If this isnt my wake up call then I really dont know what else could be.
So here I am again declaring this Easter Saturday as my day 1.
Thanks for reading my problems.....again ☹

Dee74

Hi Cuckoo

This may sound a little cold but I hope you get where I'm coming from.

Not sure how old your daughter is or how much wine shes drinking , but don't bite off more than you can chew right now.

Get sober, stay that way - yes - do it for you....and then maybe down the road a little if needed you can help someone else get and stay sober too

Have you thought about the details of how you'll stay sober?

D

Cuckoo

Hi Dee. Shes coming up 18 and has an extremely bright future coming up....starting university this year.
She doesnt have huge amounts, just a glass here and there. But, thats how we all started isnt it.
I have decided not to turn it in to a big deal at this stage and try to lead by example.
I read SR all the time and am so inspired by all you guys who describe how good life is without alcohol.
A plan I have yet to figure out.
Woke up this morning with this resolution so havent had a chance to think on it properly but I am so iver it now.
C

Dustitoffman

Hi Cuckoo

As you have read on SR we go through a lot to get out of the addiction.
Why not use your concerns about your daughter's drinking as some extra motivation, keep a well laid out daily log of what you experience through the process of giving up and breaking from an addition.
This would be something to remind you when you get complacent in later sobriety and you could then chose if you want to share your experience detailed on paper with those close to you.
Hey it's just a thought😁
Good luck.

Dustitoffman

Hi Cuckoo

This post was edited due to being a copy of this one avove.

joandmelandhan

Cuckoo as a fellow mum your post spoke to me sweetheart.
It's so easy to over-analyse the behaviour and habits of our children for signs we've damaged them in some way.
The problem is that addiction just LOVES guilt. It was the guilt over this which paradoxically kept me drinking for years.
Dee is right (as always) the decision to fight for sobriety each and every day is a decision for YOU. This will enable you to be the mum you were meant to be and to support and be responsible for your daughter (even if she is a young woman now!).
It was a conscious decision I made to stop the "sorries" and the "promises" and to walk the walk of sobriety every day and let my actions as a sober woman and mum speak for themselves. YOU CAN DO THAT TOO.
I'm so happy you have chosen today to be your day 1. It is the absolute most important day. Fight for this day like never before. Get you head on the pillow sober tonight. Then you can get up tomorrow guilt-free and do the same thing again and again.....
I look forward to sharing this journey with you

Cuckoo

Thank you everyone. I am feeling positive at the moment.
Daughter is at home this evening. Planning on cooking a curry, watching a movie and going to bed sober.
Your supportive and encouraging comments have been most welcome and its great to know I am not alone.
C

Nonsensical

I used to think this way.
I'm fairly certain it's part of the reason I drank.
Exaggeration (EVERYTHING) and urgency (RIGHT NOW) produced unrealistic expectations and disappointing results.

But, you know what always seemed to change everything, right now?
Wine.

Some things needed to change.
Some changes take time.
Taking some deep breaths and thinking it through serve me very well these days.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

August252015

Hi Cuckoo -
My thoughts - I concur fully with Dee's comments above.

I'd add that my mom was terribly afraid that I would become an alcoholic like her- and I sure did. As of now, I'd characterize my younger brother still in the "heavy drinker" category. My parents spent a long time worrying, fretting and then being devastated by my potential then full blown alcoholism.

BUT they could not "stop it" nor prevent it - nor .... anything. I alone had to- as will your daughter, should she become an alcoholic.

Focusing on me, and now helping others by example (actively in the recovery group I lead, and just by how I do my best to behave) is my primary (possibly only) focus.

Best to you and your family.

PS
I'll also add a phrase from AA: "You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it."

Cuckoo

Hi August.
Just your words "should she become an alcoholic" make me feel sick.
Seeing someone else that I dont know commenting on my daughter and her future is very powerful. It has really brought me down to earth with a huge bump.....thank you.
C

D122y

Cuck,

Sorry for your daughter. I relate.

I see the addiction as almost immedieate w some. They get that buzz and...boom...it is over.

Uneducated active addicts see us in recovery as alkies. That label makes things right in their mind.

My Dad tried to quit drinking after a blackout a while back. He couldn't do it. He is back at it, moderating away. Two nights ago he drank nearly a pitcher of beer. Last night he started acting annoyed and needed a few to take the edge off. Today is the real party and i am expecting it will be anything can happen time.

The addiction is so strong.. it is blinding.

Addicts don't realize the way booze alters them. They also don't realize how strong the addiction is and how long it lasts...forever.

All we can do is warn them a few times then lead by example and get out of their way.

Stay clean.

Prayers.

Thanks.

Dee74

fear and guilt are two of the AVs favourite friends.
To be honest I didn't start with a glass here or there, I started drinking with the idea to get smashed - and I did when I first had the chance to drink without restraint.

I thought that was how everyone drank.

I found out thats not true and I hope its not true for your daughter.

The best thing you can do - for yourself, your partner and your daughter - is get into recovery and stay there

D

Cuckoo

I absolutely know that. Its the acting on it isnt it ?
All of you lovely people have made extremely valid points and I am taking it all on board. Thank you
C

entropy1964

Hi cuckoo

I'm a mom too....of a 17 yr old daughter. So I relate big time. My daughter has seen me really messed up. She's also seen me sober for long stretches. I've been a great parent and a horrid one. And oh my gosh she is a chip off the ole block. I have been 100 % open and honest with her. She knows the dangers, yet she has still tried booze. Amazing isn't it?

I lived in a bad situation as a child and had tried booze at the ripe old age of 9. I knew very early my father was a drunk, but it was not ok to talk about it. My Mom did tell me however that I was just like 'him' and would probably become 'one'. I think I was 8.

Anyway, I know there is little I can do. But I can stay sober. And I can be there for her. For me it isn't that she has tried booze that scares me. It's the way she thinks. Her ways of coping. Her ways of dealing with life on life's terms. That's the part I'm concerned about. But I can only guide her if I'm sober.

You can do this.

August252015

Cuckoo -
Glad I can help in some way. Here's another thought, kind of flipping my alcoholism.....to my mom's.

She started drinking alcoholically when I was 11, through most of my college with a sober stretch in my 20s til a relapse when I was 29. She is now sober (I'm 41 - interestingly, I quit at 39, and she started about that age, full blown by 42...).

FOR YEARS I begged her to stop. I grew up quite privileged and always told my parents I wish we had nothing if it meant a healthy mom.

No dice. Just like my parents couldn't stop me- no one, including two children she has always loved dearly even while in the worst of her drinking or my wonderful dad/her wonderful husband - I couldn't stop her.

Like others said, we have to focus on ourselves - and learn that we do not control, well, much of anything except whether we take that first drink. Most certainly not other people.

Not sure if you said, but are you working a recovery program? Lots of success stories around here to read over.

Best to you.

milly4me

When I read your first post, the EVERYTHING must change NOW hit me too.

No, EVERTHING doesn't have to change. Just one thing has to change. Tonight you need to go to bed completely sober. That's really the ONLY thing that matters today.

And you know what . . . if your daughter doesn't notice you went to bed sober . . . so what? If you go to bed sober every night, she's gonna start noticing.

Let that be the behavior she learns to emulate.

Cuckoo

Hi all. Just checking in to say curry is made, waiting for daughter to appear from her bedroom (sigh) and goung to watch some tv together. AV is quite noisy but I am trying to ignore it. Will be back with you all in the morning.
C

Cuckoo

We have been ploughing our way through Game of Thrones box set and finished series one. Last night my daughter suggested we watch another episode and I commented that once we had watched the first episode of series two we would be hooked again and have to watch the rest. She looked at me and said....'mum, we watched the first episode last night. Dont you remember?'
If that isnt absolutely disgusting I dont know what is. Shame on me 😔
I have to continue to stop this.

joandmelandhan

Shake off the shame Cuckoo and keep looking forward. I know its bloody difficult but its the only way.
I remember my eldest daughter wouldn't sit and watch movies with me for quite a while because they reminded her of me sneaking off to drink. *shudder*
Keep going and your new found sobriety will speak for itself

Cuckoo

Also I have been getting some minor stabbing pains in what feels like my bottom right side rib !! Thats starting to worry me as well.
The reasons for stopping are piling up.
C