Guilty and devastated...how long will this last?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 1
Guilty and devastated...how long will this last?
Hi everyone,
I stumbled across this forum after trying to find help for my situation and was hoping to hear from others with similar experiences. When I first met my boyfriend, he was in recovery from alcohol use and had a year sober. Our relationship started out amazing, we had a lot in common and would have so much fun together. I felt like I could truly be myself around him and felt supported. Things started to change approximately two years into our relationship. He fell into a depressive episode and would sleep most of the day, only waking up to go to work. I encouraged him to seek help, found resources for him, and tried to take over more of the household responsibilities, thinking that he would be more likely to improve if he didn’t have added stress. However, things only got worse. He refused to seek treatment and became more and more depressed, so much so that he relapsed. He continued to drink and it got progressively worse to the point where I had to take him to the hospital because he was experiencing withdrawals from alcohol. Time and time again he told me he would get help, but he never took any steps. I decided it was the last straw after I learned that he was driving drunk daily. He packed up and moved out and I heard he has already gotten into a lot more trouble because of his drinking. I thought I would feel relief after he left, but I keep thinking of all the things that I could have done differently. I miss him and what could have been, though I know this is silly. I know I can’t control him, but I feel so guilty and devastated. It feels like I made the right decision sometimes, but other times my guilt and sadness have me feeling like I could have done something more or better for him.
I stumbled across this forum after trying to find help for my situation and was hoping to hear from others with similar experiences. When I first met my boyfriend, he was in recovery from alcohol use and had a year sober. Our relationship started out amazing, we had a lot in common and would have so much fun together. I felt like I could truly be myself around him and felt supported. Things started to change approximately two years into our relationship. He fell into a depressive episode and would sleep most of the day, only waking up to go to work. I encouraged him to seek help, found resources for him, and tried to take over more of the household responsibilities, thinking that he would be more likely to improve if he didn’t have added stress. However, things only got worse. He refused to seek treatment and became more and more depressed, so much so that he relapsed. He continued to drink and it got progressively worse to the point where I had to take him to the hospital because he was experiencing withdrawals from alcohol. Time and time again he told me he would get help, but he never took any steps. I decided it was the last straw after I learned that he was driving drunk daily. He packed up and moved out and I heard he has already gotten into a lot more trouble because of his drinking. I thought I would feel relief after he left, but I keep thinking of all the things that I could have done differently. I miss him and what could have been, though I know this is silly. I know I can’t control him, but I feel so guilty and devastated. It feels like I made the right decision sometimes, but other times my guilt and sadness have me feeling like I could have done something more or better for him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Its not silly at all to miss him! If we could turn our love off, many times I bet we would, esp in situations like these.
You are one brave, smart woman. I didn't get to where you are now, for many years. Almost two decades.
You absolutely did the right thing. We either abandon ship, or go down with it. You chose to live. Sadly, you can't help him. As one member on here wrote.....if you had the power to make him quit, he would be happy and healthy right now.
You are one brave, smart woman. I didn't get to where you are now, for many years. Almost two decades.
You absolutely did the right thing. We either abandon ship, or go down with it. You chose to live. Sadly, you can't help him. As one member on here wrote.....if you had the power to make him quit, he would be happy and healthy right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
You tried to help him, but right now he wants to drink more than not drink.
As an adult, he can make that choice if he wants.
(I did for years)
That's totally beyond your control, and you have no reason to feel guilty.
Please take care of you
As an adult, he can make that choice if he wants.
(I did for years)
That's totally beyond your control, and you have no reason to feel guilty.
Please take care of you
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome to SR, DanceDance!
Read around the forum and you'll see you're far from alone. There's lots of experience and information here to help you.
I'm in recovery myself and have had partners who continued to drink. It's heartbreaking, but there's nothing you can do to get someone to stop drinking when they don't want to. I've had to leave relationships and know the pain and guilt and wondering what I could have done better, but in my saner moments would realize that thinking wasn't correct.
All I could do was take care of myself--it really is like having to get off a sinking ship to save yourself.
Read around the forum and you'll see you're far from alone. There's lots of experience and information here to help you.
I'm in recovery myself and have had partners who continued to drink. It's heartbreaking, but there's nothing you can do to get someone to stop drinking when they don't want to. I've had to leave relationships and know the pain and guilt and wondering what I could have done better, but in my saner moments would realize that thinking wasn't correct.
All I could do was take care of myself--it really is like having to get off a sinking ship to save yourself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
