Functioning-alcoholic boyfriend takes a turn for the worst...
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Join Date: May 2014
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Functioning-alcoholic boyfriend takes a turn for the worst...
I’m currently living with my partner of eight years, in his house. He quit his job almost four months ago and hasn’t really left the house much except for liquor store runs and the occasional times I ask him to go out with me. He hasn’t started searching for a job. I feel like his functional-alcoholic status is no longer functional.
My situation in the household is increasingly difficult. He’ll drink for a couple days in our common space—with out sleeping and then sleep-it-off for a couple days. He doesn’t see how this impacts my quality of life. I rarely bring it up, but when I do ask him about it he claims “I’m busting his balls” and says that he’s not the only problem in my life and I should quit acting like he is. Or sometimes he’ll point to my past bad decisions with alcohol. Sometimes I feel like I’m being gaslighted but other times I wonder if he’s right?
He’s drinking (LOTS of ) light beer & using marijuana. He doesn’t get wild, violent, or punch holes in the walls...but he is clearly self-medicating. He is very prone to rants & obsessive thoughts. He has admitted that his level of drinking is not sustainable and quit for about four days last month.
He seems totally oblivious when I explained I don’t feel like I should have to wake up before work and spend time with him when he is totally wasted. He has really cut me out of his life. It hurts.
He is very isolated. It’s hard for me to watch him slowly hurt himself. One time I came home and he was asleep on the couch and when I woke him up he spoke in complete jibberish—words and sentences that didn’t make sense. I was about to call 911 before he came around. I almost feel like I’m on death watch...waiting for a horrible ball to drop.
I have a chronic illness and in the past year I have found a great treatment that makes me feel like I can likely care for myself. So I am meeting with someone about renting a room tomorrow.
I am so heart-broken. He is my first boyfriend. I’ve never broken up with anyone before. I still want him to get better. I love him—or at least I know there are (or were) parts of him those I used to love. We have three pets that I love dearly but won’t be able to take with me. Big tears this week over my animals who have been constant companions when I was ill. I’m not sure how he’ll take the idea of me leaving. I’m scared for him and the pets.
I know I deserve the ability to pursue a life where I’m not scared of what I will find when I come home. I deserve a partner who cares if his actions are causing me pain. I deserve a partner who sees a future for himself.
My heart is breaking. Why can’t he just pick me over the beer?
My situation in the household is increasingly difficult. He’ll drink for a couple days in our common space—with out sleeping and then sleep-it-off for a couple days. He doesn’t see how this impacts my quality of life. I rarely bring it up, but when I do ask him about it he claims “I’m busting his balls” and says that he’s not the only problem in my life and I should quit acting like he is. Or sometimes he’ll point to my past bad decisions with alcohol. Sometimes I feel like I’m being gaslighted but other times I wonder if he’s right?
He’s drinking (LOTS of ) light beer & using marijuana. He doesn’t get wild, violent, or punch holes in the walls...but he is clearly self-medicating. He is very prone to rants & obsessive thoughts. He has admitted that his level of drinking is not sustainable and quit for about four days last month.
He seems totally oblivious when I explained I don’t feel like I should have to wake up before work and spend time with him when he is totally wasted. He has really cut me out of his life. It hurts.
He is very isolated. It’s hard for me to watch him slowly hurt himself. One time I came home and he was asleep on the couch and when I woke him up he spoke in complete jibberish—words and sentences that didn’t make sense. I was about to call 911 before he came around. I almost feel like I’m on death watch...waiting for a horrible ball to drop.
I have a chronic illness and in the past year I have found a great treatment that makes me feel like I can likely care for myself. So I am meeting with someone about renting a room tomorrow.
I am so heart-broken. He is my first boyfriend. I’ve never broken up with anyone before. I still want him to get better. I love him—or at least I know there are (or were) parts of him those I used to love. We have three pets that I love dearly but won’t be able to take with me. Big tears this week over my animals who have been constant companions when I was ill. I’m not sure how he’ll take the idea of me leaving. I’m scared for him and the pets.
I know I deserve the ability to pursue a life where I’m not scared of what I will find when I come home. I deserve a partner who cares if his actions are causing me pain. I deserve a partner who sees a future for himself.
My heart is breaking. Why can’t he just pick me over the beer?
Last edited by SunnyCityGirl; 03-19-2018 at 08:59 PM. Reason: Typo
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
It HURTS to know they are choosing beer over you. Something they waste money on, destroys their health, their relationships, their families and everyone who loves them. We see all of that crysyal clear, to them, its as clear as mud.
You are in the same boat as most people here, and not a one of us has the answer you're seeking. None of us could force our alcoholic to stop. We couldn't force them to see what they are doing. Nothing will stop them, no matter how much they love you. They will do that only when they are ready. Period, no ifs, ands or buts.
Alcohol changes their brains. Its like they are zombies, and the alcohol is in control of them, not themselves. I've been on SR two months, several hours a day, researching, reading, asking questions, researching and reading more. The more you learn, the better you will be able to make sense out of all the nonsense. It will help you immensely!
Someone posted this today, a scan of a normal brain, and the brain of an alcoholic. Its eye opening...,https://abuse-drug.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/alcohol-brain-normal-vs-alcoholic-2.jpg
You are in the same boat as most people here, and not a one of us has the answer you're seeking. None of us could force our alcoholic to stop. We couldn't force them to see what they are doing. Nothing will stop them, no matter how much they love you. They will do that only when they are ready. Period, no ifs, ands or buts.
Alcohol changes their brains. Its like they are zombies, and the alcohol is in control of them, not themselves. I've been on SR two months, several hours a day, researching, reading, asking questions, researching and reading more. The more you learn, the better you will be able to make sense out of all the nonsense. It will help you immensely!
Someone posted this today, a scan of a normal brain, and the brain of an alcoholic. Its eye opening...,https://abuse-drug.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/alcohol-brain-normal-vs-alcoholic-2.jpg
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi SunnyCity,
Sorry for what brings you here.
As the others mentioned, you really do have to look out for yourself, especially with a chronic condition and it sounds like you are planning on doing just that.
Unfortunately this is going to hurt. It won't be easy to break up but on the other hand you have decided you can't go on like this and that is a rational decision.
Perhaps it will be the wake up call he needs to seek treatment, but maybe it won't. He needs to make that decision for himself.
Have you read around the forums a bit? There is a wealth of information here, including the stickies section at the top of this forum. It might help you to understand more about alcoholism and that you certainly didn't cause this and of course, can't cure it.
You sound very grounded, which is great. Although you are leaving him, he isn't going anywhere, it is not like you will never see him again (if you want to). Just might be a good idea to limit all contact until he has several months of sobriety.
On an up-note, really glad to hear you have found a treatment!
Sorry for what brings you here.
As the others mentioned, you really do have to look out for yourself, especially with a chronic condition and it sounds like you are planning on doing just that.
Unfortunately this is going to hurt. It won't be easy to break up but on the other hand you have decided you can't go on like this and that is a rational decision.
Perhaps it will be the wake up call he needs to seek treatment, but maybe it won't. He needs to make that decision for himself.
Have you read around the forums a bit? There is a wealth of information here, including the stickies section at the top of this forum. It might help you to understand more about alcoholism and that you certainly didn't cause this and of course, can't cure it.
You sound very grounded, which is great. Although you are leaving him, he isn't going anywhere, it is not like you will never see him again (if you want to). Just might be a good idea to limit all contact until he has several months of sobriety.
On an up-note, really glad to hear you have found a treatment!
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