2kind4me

Hello all
I’m new to this forum and very grateful for it. I posted recently about accepting my bf back after breaking up with him. He is sober for about 3 weeks-going to counseling and several meetings per week. He is acknowledging challenges of being near liquor stores that he used in the past and encountering alcohol unexpectedly. We don’t live together so I can’t be 100% sure that he’s sober. I only know that he’s saying the right things.
I’m not happy. I do love this man - he’s a good guy minus alcoholism. This is just not what I want for my life but I can’t move. I started dating him 5 years ago after a divorce. I hoped for another chance and having a real loving relationship but this isn’t it. Is it common to just feel powerless and trapped in the relationship? I’m a smart, successful woman and can’t help questioning all of that in light of my immobility.
Thanks for listening.

AnvilheadII

five years is a good chunk of time to invest in a relationship.....and it can take time to fully disentangle oneself. one thing that does help is that you do NOT live together.....so you already have "space" - use that to your advantage.....

2kind4me

Yes very true!! Grateful for that. He knows I’m taking space too... maybe I can just increase that little by little

Bekindalways

Welcome 2kind4me. I am glad you found us and hope we can be of support.

My qualifier was also a wonderful person. He had many many talents.

I had to leave him many times before I finally learned/accepted both how hard leaving was going to be as well as how important it was for me to get gone.

Gather every type of support you can and take good care of yourself.

dandylion

2Kind.....now would be a good time to begin reading from our extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones....there are a lot of them...enough to read one every single day......
Here is the link to that site in the "stickies".....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

alanon could help you with beginning to detach from him.......
I think that actual acceptance of the reality of the situation is the big pill to swallow.....it can be a struggle for some....but, don't give up on yourself and you will get there!!

2kind4me

Thank you. It definitely helps to know that this situation is challenging for many who face it. I tend to see myself as weak and feel the judgment of my family and friends who see me go back and forth. I will read the articles. Thank you again

Maudcat

Hi, 2kind..
Welcome.
Nothing needs to happen this minute, but it sounds like you are ready to make a change.
Change can be scary.
Life with someone addicted to alcohol is just a hard way to go.
You don’t live together, you’re not married, so you are in a good place to sever ties if that is what you ultimately want to do.
Along with the library of articles that Dandy sent, may I recommend Al-Anon?
Meetings could help give you perspective.
Good luck.

ThomPom

"I’m not happy. I do love this man - he’s a good guy minus alcoholism."

well, now he is in early sobriety..... please, just for clarification, what exactly is your problem with the situation, is it you don't trust him to stay sober / recover, or, is it the pressure of f&f, or is it that he comes across in early sobriety like a different type of guy, or, is it the struggle that has taken a toll on the relationship, or. have you developed a codependant behavior that you dislike about yourself....?

I am asking because clarifing your troubles might be important for making the right decisions.

2kind4me

Thank you for your thoughtful questions. I agree that they are relevant. He hid the extent of his drinking for multiple years. He never got drunk and caused an incident calling attention to his issue. I “caught” him because we were away with our kids and found a bottle of vodka hidden. I decided to taste a bottle of soda jn the car and it was mostly vodka. I’m concerned that if he relapses, I’ll never know. Apparently he drinks to maintain some low level of intoxication all of the time. Only now that I see him sober, do I have some idea of the behaviors that resulted from drinking. So that’s the main issue; however, I am also concerned about my codependency and the extent to which I turned my head before and now want to be reassured all of the time that he’s getting help.
I love him very much and he’s a good man. It’s a rock and a hard place.

honeypig

2kind, I could have written this myself. I felt like such an idiot and beat myself up for so long about it--how on earth could I have missed the fact that XAH was drinking alcoholically for pretty much the entire 19 years of our marriage? When I realized, as you also have, that he probably hadn't had a blood alcohol level of 0 in YEARS, I finally eased up on myself. How on earth could I expect to recognize sober vs intoxicated when I hadn't even SEEN him truly sober in forever?

And I shared your concerns about not being able to recognize a relapse. (In my case, as it turned out, there was never a relapse b/c he never stopped drinking for more than a day or two at a time, based on what he later told me.)

XAH was also a good man who I loved very much. He has done many kind and thoughtful things for me over the years. I can't walk into any room of my house w/o seeing work that he/we did and remembering that man. Then I remind myself that he coexisted w/the man who lied to me about virtually everything (drinking-related or not) for 19 years and spent a really significant portion of our savings (w/o my knowledge or consent) to fund his cigarette and alcohol addictions.

In the end, I decided I couldn't risk losing any more in the event he got in an accident while drunk and killed or crippled someone--what if we were sued? I couldn't risk him burning down the house w/a cigarette while drunk. And I couldn't risk my newfound sanity by breathing in alcoholic dishonesty every day.

SmallButMighty

Why can't you move? What reasons stand in your way of moving apart from this person?

I also loved my AXH very much. I could have written the same post above that Honeypig did, almost word for word in fact.

My ex is not an evil person but he is a very damaged person. His demons lead him down some very dark and scary paths, I THOUGHT I was being dragged along with him, but the truth was I was the one hanging on allowing it to happen. When I finally let go I was able to start the process of getting myself healthy again.

Hurt people..hurt people. It's up to us as individuals to decide how much abuse we are going to take from those hurt people. I think as long as they keep hurting themselves with alcohol/drugs it is usually in our own best interest to step away from them if we want to stop hurting ourselves.... It doesn't matter how much you love the cactus, if you hold it tight it is going to cause you pain.

I will always have love in my heart for the father of my children, but that doesn't mean he has a place in my life any longer. Learning to love from a distance has been a great gift to myself and enabled me to move on to a much happier and healthier life.

Hang in there, I know what you are going through right now is some really rough stuff.

*hugs*

NYCDoglvr

When I asked myself if I trusted and respected the ra, it was obvious I had to leave.

helcat2846

I have over 13 years in Alanon and I highly recommend it!! Alcoholism is a family disease. In saying that, I mean we all have a role. Some of us learn our own behaviors from being raised in a family with alcoholism/addiction. 5 years is a good investment into a relationship with an alcoholic so I am curious as to why the investment if he is not the one? You may need to ask yourself that question first. There is a reason you have stayed and there is a reason you are struggling to break it off. That is about YOU and not the alcoholic.
You will often here people say "I came into Alanon for the alcoholic but I stayed for me". Find yourself an Alanon program and give it 6 meetings. My guess is that before the 6th meeting you will find you are right where you belong. It truly is not about the alcoholic. You need to learn to value yourself and take care of yourself!! Majority of us do not even put ourselves on the list!
If we want something different we have to be willing to do something different. One of my favorite sayings today is NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. Like I said, this is about You. You can choose to keep doing the same dance (even with different relationships) or you can choose to do something different.
Today I can find such gratitude for all if the alcoholics and addicts in my life because they lead me to a program that absolutely saved my life.
Prayers~

2kind4me

You’re very insightful. Thank you. I am stuck because of me. That’s true. I was stuck before I knew the extent of his drinking. I will look at meetings