My AS is making up stories about me.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
My AS is making up stories about me.
When I discovered my AS had helped himself to money from my bank account to go and buy marijuana and beer with his cousin I called him and told him to return home and bring the money back, otherwise I would call the police. He hung up on me. I then sent a message to my sister who contacted her son, his cousin. I was then told that his cousin wasn’t seeing him that evening. I was baffled and worried. I then sent a message to the cousin informing him that he should send my son back home to return my money otherwise I would call the police. The cousin then sent me a reply saying he wasn’t seeing my son and was out dining with his girlfriend.
I wondered where my son was and why he’d lied to me.
The following day my son acted like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. He said he was with his cousin and didn’t understand why he said he wasn’t. He said they went for a walk and had supper together and just hung out. He said he’d taken money from my account because he thought it was okay and I wouldn’t mind.
I told my son that I wanted him to move out and he could stay with his father and that it wasn’t okay to help himself to my money from my account. He said it was all a big misunderstanding and he didn’t want to move out and stay with his father. He liked it here with me and we could work it out. I had had enough though. I couldn’t handle it anymore.
He then created a massive scene, yelling and shouting at me that he was a great son etc. Then he called his father to collect him and spun him a yarn about how horrible I was to him. As he was leaving he told me he’d never speak to me again. I was heartbroken. I’d given him so much and tried to help him straighten his life out.
That happened two months ago but I am still thinking about that night. Yesterday I called my sister because I couldn’t understand why her son had lied to me that he hadn’t seen my son that night. He’d gone to such great lengths to lie, even sending me an old photo of him and his girlfriend together in a restaurant.
My sister said that she called her son that night and he had passed the phone to my son and he told her to ignore me.... that I was always creating a drama. He said I was nuts and he’d had to walk on eggshells since he was a child around me because I was such a drama queen. My sister sympathised and felt sorry for him! She said that it was awful that I was going to kick him out into the street and call the police.
I couldn’t believe my ears! It’s not true at all but I’m now the bad guy.
I’ve lived a quiet and peaceful life. The only drama I’ve had has been the drama my son has caused with his lifestyle and me bailing him out financially for years.
That’s his story- that his mother is always creating a drama and he’s had to put up with it all his life! That’s how he’s been able to manipulate his father into giving him money.
I now know my sister isn’t my friend either.... she’s known how difficult it’s been for me over the years with my son. The rollercoaster ride. How could she spread such lies about me? I can only think it’s to deflect from her own problem with her pot smoking son who turned out to be my son’s supplier.
I guess addicts and codependents have to make up stories like this.... part of their sickness.
I wondered where my son was and why he’d lied to me.
The following day my son acted like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. He said he was with his cousin and didn’t understand why he said he wasn’t. He said they went for a walk and had supper together and just hung out. He said he’d taken money from my account because he thought it was okay and I wouldn’t mind.
I told my son that I wanted him to move out and he could stay with his father and that it wasn’t okay to help himself to my money from my account. He said it was all a big misunderstanding and he didn’t want to move out and stay with his father. He liked it here with me and we could work it out. I had had enough though. I couldn’t handle it anymore.
He then created a massive scene, yelling and shouting at me that he was a great son etc. Then he called his father to collect him and spun him a yarn about how horrible I was to him. As he was leaving he told me he’d never speak to me again. I was heartbroken. I’d given him so much and tried to help him straighten his life out.
That happened two months ago but I am still thinking about that night. Yesterday I called my sister because I couldn’t understand why her son had lied to me that he hadn’t seen my son that night. He’d gone to such great lengths to lie, even sending me an old photo of him and his girlfriend together in a restaurant.
My sister said that she called her son that night and he had passed the phone to my son and he told her to ignore me.... that I was always creating a drama. He said I was nuts and he’d had to walk on eggshells since he was a child around me because I was such a drama queen. My sister sympathised and felt sorry for him! She said that it was awful that I was going to kick him out into the street and call the police.
I couldn’t believe my ears! It’s not true at all but I’m now the bad guy.
I’ve lived a quiet and peaceful life. The only drama I’ve had has been the drama my son has caused with his lifestyle and me bailing him out financially for years.
That’s his story- that his mother is always creating a drama and he’s had to put up with it all his life! That’s how he’s been able to manipulate his father into giving him money.
I now know my sister isn’t my friend either.... she’s known how difficult it’s been for me over the years with my son. The rollercoaster ride. How could she spread such lies about me? I can only think it’s to deflect from her own problem with her pot smoking son who turned out to be my son’s supplier.
I guess addicts and codependents have to make up stories like this.... part of their sickness.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi codimum....
I am sorry for all the drama you've been experiencing with your son. And although not all active addicts and alcoholics act this way, it is common for lying and manipulation to be part of their behavior.
I've been referred to as a "naive s***-kicker" and a "gold-digging trophy wife" by my stepson--a young man who really doesn't know me that well at all because I met my now-late husband in the midst of my stepson's active addiction.
The lies, story-telling, and name calling are all how the addiction is protected. And while actively drinking/using, some will do *anything* to protect the addiction--it is Number One!
What Mr. Seren and I learned to do around his stepson is not leave anything of value out. I have read that some mothers started to sleep with their purses under their pillows or locked in the trunks of their cars with the keys under their pillows.
Also, we learned to let what he says roll over us like the tide of nonsense it can be.
Although I did not raise my stepson (he was an adult when the late Mr. Seren and I met), I can imagine what a total heartbreak it must be to see your precious child become this complete stranger with a single-minded mission to get drunk or high.
Hang in there! As Ann would say, being the parent of an addict is not for sissies!!
I am sorry for all the drama you've been experiencing with your son. And although not all active addicts and alcoholics act this way, it is common for lying and manipulation to be part of their behavior.
I've been referred to as a "naive s***-kicker" and a "gold-digging trophy wife" by my stepson--a young man who really doesn't know me that well at all because I met my now-late husband in the midst of my stepson's active addiction.
The lies, story-telling, and name calling are all how the addiction is protected. And while actively drinking/using, some will do *anything* to protect the addiction--it is Number One!
What Mr. Seren and I learned to do around his stepson is not leave anything of value out. I have read that some mothers started to sleep with their purses under their pillows or locked in the trunks of their cars with the keys under their pillows.
Also, we learned to let what he says roll over us like the tide of nonsense it can be.
Although I did not raise my stepson (he was an adult when the late Mr. Seren and I met), I can imagine what a total heartbreak it must be to see your precious child become this complete stranger with a single-minded mission to get drunk or high.
Hang in there! As Ann would say, being the parent of an addict is not for sissies!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Codimum
I hear you loud and clear. My son did exactly the same to me. He called me every name under the sun, made threats about having me taken away and killed, and like yours, told lies about me to anyone who would listen.
They really do know how to hit you where it hurts, don't they.
I always got told " you have no son", "you'll never see me again". In the "early days" those words used to send me into a blind panic. Then I realised it's all part of the game. Manipulation! Anything goes, if it gets them what they want.
Let it slide, like water of a ducks back, Codimum. Concentrate on you, and leave them all to it. Spend the money that you're not giving to him, and treat yourself.
Much Love
Bute x
I hear you loud and clear. My son did exactly the same to me. He called me every name under the sun, made threats about having me taken away and killed, and like yours, told lies about me to anyone who would listen.
They really do know how to hit you where it hurts, don't they.
I always got told " you have no son", "you'll never see me again". In the "early days" those words used to send me into a blind panic. Then I realised it's all part of the game. Manipulation! Anything goes, if it gets them what they want.
Let it slide, like water of a ducks back, Codimum. Concentrate on you, and leave them all to it. Spend the money that you're not giving to him, and treat yourself.
Much Love
Bute x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
Yes you’re right. I’m doing okay here on my own. I won’t let the words.....the lies get to me. I know who I am and I’m not the person my son describes. Shame on my sister for siding with him. She’s shown her true colours. Good to know.
I’m going to let them all get on with it and keep holding my head up high.
My son can’t hurt me more than he already has. I want him to keep away from me now. I want my sister and her lying son, my ex husband and his horrid family to keep away from me too.
Yes Bute. I can spend my hard earned money on myself now and enrich my life with good friends and people who have love in their hearts.
I’m going to let them all get on with it and keep holding my head up high.
My son can’t hurt me more than he already has. I want him to keep away from me now. I want my sister and her lying son, my ex husband and his horrid family to keep away from me too.
Yes Bute. I can spend my hard earned money on myself now and enrich my life with good friends and people who have love in their hearts.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
We had a member here who used to say "What other people think of me is none of my business." And when you are dealing with active addiction and the enabling behaviors of family members, it is something I have had to put into practice often!! 
I hope your weekend has been peaceful, codimum!
I hope your weekend has been peaceful, codimum!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
That’s quite true Seren. People can be so cruel and hurtful.
The worst part is being shut out in the cold, not knowing what my son is doing or where he is.
His father stopped speaking to me about 6 months ago and I have no idea why. Though I’m now thinking that perhaps my son had something to do with it. He didn’t want us to talk to each other.
My sister lied to protect her son... I had no idea until all this happened that he was a dope addict too! My son said he was ‘thick as two short planks’ and yet he frequently went to visit him when he realised there was a supply of marijuana. The difference is that my sister turns a blind eye. It suits her to do that.
I couldn’t ever turn a blind eye to my son’s addiction because I see how it’s ruined his life and ruining his future. It’s also affected my life and our relationship.
I had to ask my son to leave. I shouldn’t have threatened the police unless I was prepared to carry it out though. He’d helped himself to money from my account to buy marijuana and for that he had to suffer the consequences of his actions. Had I brushed it under the carpet, my son would likely have repeated it and taken more money and bought more marijuana. Turning a blind eye to someone’s wrong doing isn’t the right thing to do.
And my way of dealing with it.... asking him to leave and threatening to call the police was the right thing to do. Whether that makes me a ‘drama queen’ in some people’s eyes is up to them how they interpret it. As you say, it’s none of my business what anyone thinks.
I didn’t take such action lightly. I was in a quandary about what to do. I knew that my actions would have consequences too - that I would lose my son.
I have to live with that now and it’s very painful to lose my only son. But only mother’s of addicts can understand how difficult it’s been and how it had to be this way. The only chance he’s got is to be held accountable. Tough love.
I sent him a message today as it’s my birthday and he ignored it as expected, as he ignored mother’s day last week. I don’t want it to be like this. What mother would? I told him that I cared about him and loved him and to know that everything I have done has been because of that. I let him know that I was here for him when he’s ready. By that I meant when he’s ready to stop. No more enabling. I need to get well myself and stay calm.
Thank you for your support.
The worst part is being shut out in the cold, not knowing what my son is doing or where he is.
His father stopped speaking to me about 6 months ago and I have no idea why. Though I’m now thinking that perhaps my son had something to do with it. He didn’t want us to talk to each other.
My sister lied to protect her son... I had no idea until all this happened that he was a dope addict too! My son said he was ‘thick as two short planks’ and yet he frequently went to visit him when he realised there was a supply of marijuana. The difference is that my sister turns a blind eye. It suits her to do that.
I couldn’t ever turn a blind eye to my son’s addiction because I see how it’s ruined his life and ruining his future. It’s also affected my life and our relationship.
I had to ask my son to leave. I shouldn’t have threatened the police unless I was prepared to carry it out though. He’d helped himself to money from my account to buy marijuana and for that he had to suffer the consequences of his actions. Had I brushed it under the carpet, my son would likely have repeated it and taken more money and bought more marijuana. Turning a blind eye to someone’s wrong doing isn’t the right thing to do.
And my way of dealing with it.... asking him to leave and threatening to call the police was the right thing to do. Whether that makes me a ‘drama queen’ in some people’s eyes is up to them how they interpret it. As you say, it’s none of my business what anyone thinks.
I didn’t take such action lightly. I was in a quandary about what to do. I knew that my actions would have consequences too - that I would lose my son.
I have to live with that now and it’s very painful to lose my only son. But only mother’s of addicts can understand how difficult it’s been and how it had to be this way. The only chance he’s got is to be held accountable. Tough love.
I sent him a message today as it’s my birthday and he ignored it as expected, as he ignored mother’s day last week. I don’t want it to be like this. What mother would? I told him that I cared about him and loved him and to know that everything I have done has been because of that. I let him know that I was here for him when he’s ready. By that I meant when he’s ready to stop. No more enabling. I need to get well myself and stay calm.
Thank you for your support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Codimum,
I agree with you 100%. No mother wants to HAVE to call the police, on their son/daughter. Sometimes it's the only choice we have. I've had to do it on numerous occasions. I got to know the officers quite well. Infact, one time they appeared at my door, and the male police officer said " Hi, do you remember me?" I said yes I do. He then said, " would you mind if my colleague saw your puppy?" (I'd not long got her) and from around the corner of the porch, out stepped a female officer! LOL.
It doesn't matter who it is, if someone's behaviour is detrimental to you, or having a negative impact - you do what is best for you. I can totally relate, as I was becoming both physically and mentally unwell, with my sons shananigans. Total madness to accept that!
As for your son and ex - leave them to each other. Same goes for your sister! It's horrible when your family behaves in this way, but you know, just because they are family, doesn't mean we have to like them! Or put up with their sh*t! Boot them into touch!
Head up Codimum!
Much Love, and a great big hug
Bute x
I agree with you 100%. No mother wants to HAVE to call the police, on their son/daughter. Sometimes it's the only choice we have. I've had to do it on numerous occasions. I got to know the officers quite well. Infact, one time they appeared at my door, and the male police officer said " Hi, do you remember me?" I said yes I do. He then said, " would you mind if my colleague saw your puppy?" (I'd not long got her) and from around the corner of the porch, out stepped a female officer! LOL.
It doesn't matter who it is, if someone's behaviour is detrimental to you, or having a negative impact - you do what is best for you. I can totally relate, as I was becoming both physically and mentally unwell, with my sons shananigans. Total madness to accept that!
As for your son and ex - leave them to each other. Same goes for your sister! It's horrible when your family behaves in this way, but you know, just because they are family, doesn't mean we have to like them! Or put up with their sh*t! Boot them into touch!
Head up Codimum!
Much Love, and a great big hug
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Codimum.
My opinion? People can be very judgemental about women and, especially, mothers.
I think society holds women to a tough standard.
Never mind what others say. You know what’s true and what isn’t.
If family members are going to be swayed by what your addict son tells them, that is on them, not you.
The heck with them!
My opinion? People can be very judgemental about women and, especially, mothers.
I think society holds women to a tough standard.
Never mind what others say. You know what’s true and what isn’t.
If family members are going to be swayed by what your addict son tells them, that is on them, not you.
The heck with them!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
I am very grateful for your support. It is tough being a woman on my own but over the years I've grown quite a tough skin - except where my son is concerned. For him I've bent over double and double again as he was my only precious child. I wish the adult of the child I brought up was half as delightful and lovable as the little curly haired cherub. Alas, we never know how they're going to turn out.
I got a message today from my AS. He responded to my previous message (that the therapist told me I should never have sent and told me that in future I have to follow his instructions, no matter how tough it appears).
My AS just said "Would you like to meet me tomorrow?" . My heart jumped a beat and immediately responded "Yes! Where?" Big mistake!
After that the following messages were attacking and accusing. He accused me of sending messages to family members that he was a crystal meth addict and was suicidal and that they obviously thought I was demented etc. I didn't send anything of the sort.
I asked the intervention guy what I should do and he called me. He said that my son was a narcissist and in future I should follow his instructions as it was very important to any chance of recovery. I should never have sent the message telling him that I loved and cared for him and that I'd always be here etc.
He told me that I should say I was sorry for any misunderstandings and that I wouldn't send any messages in future and that I didn't want him to meet with me tomorrow.
It was a hard message to write as I really wanted to see my AS before he returned to America. However, in my heart I knew what he was advising was the right thing to do. I had to regain my power, otherwise my AS would have once again wiped the floor with me..... and quite honestly, it would have crushed me.
So, I'm patting myself on the back here - I've done the right thing. Even though it feels totally wrong because I've been doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same result. Changing my reactions feels like wearing my shoes on the wrong feet - but somehow I know it will straighten my toes!
Does that make sense to you AS mothers?
I got a message today from my AS. He responded to my previous message (that the therapist told me I should never have sent and told me that in future I have to follow his instructions, no matter how tough it appears).
My AS just said "Would you like to meet me tomorrow?" . My heart jumped a beat and immediately responded "Yes! Where?" Big mistake!
After that the following messages were attacking and accusing. He accused me of sending messages to family members that he was a crystal meth addict and was suicidal and that they obviously thought I was demented etc. I didn't send anything of the sort.
I asked the intervention guy what I should do and he called me. He said that my son was a narcissist and in future I should follow his instructions as it was very important to any chance of recovery. I should never have sent the message telling him that I loved and cared for him and that I'd always be here etc.
He told me that I should say I was sorry for any misunderstandings and that I wouldn't send any messages in future and that I didn't want him to meet with me tomorrow.
It was a hard message to write as I really wanted to see my AS before he returned to America. However, in my heart I knew what he was advising was the right thing to do. I had to regain my power, otherwise my AS would have once again wiped the floor with me..... and quite honestly, it would have crushed me.
So, I'm patting myself on the back here - I've done the right thing. Even though it feels totally wrong because I've been doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same result. Changing my reactions feels like wearing my shoes on the wrong feet - but somehow I know it will straighten my toes!
Does that make sense to you AS mothers?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Codimum
Yes, it makes complete sense!
We have to retrain our brain, and start responding in ways which are alien to us, as mothers. But, we have no choice. If we continue to allow our sons to treat us badly, then we are doomed to a life of misery - and I ain't about to let that happen!
I'm not ready for the boneyard yet, and have alot of living to do - and by god, I'm going to live it!
Onwards and upwards :-)
Much Love
Bute x
Yes, it makes complete sense!
We have to retrain our brain, and start responding in ways which are alien to us, as mothers. But, we have no choice. If we continue to allow our sons to treat us badly, then we are doomed to a life of misery - and I ain't about to let that happen!
I'm not ready for the boneyard yet, and have alot of living to do - and by god, I'm going to live it!
Onwards and upwards :-)
Much Love
Bute x
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