Kan

I posted the other day about my husband that left me and took up with a woman that is well known for what she does for her addiction. My question is, from the time he left going on nine months ago he will tell his mother, me and our kids that they are getting straight. Quitting drugs and trying to help each other. Can two addicts really help each other quit? I find it hard to believe this due to her being married to a friend's son and she said that he told her the same thing when him and this woman were together but instead of getting clean he got worse and when he finally left her had to get checked into rehab. My husband told our son early in the relationship that they had agreed to quit and he came home to her doing meth. He told our son that they had no money and he knew how she got it but instead of fighting he just did the meth with her. I just find it hard to believe that they are really going to get clean. I know how much addicts lie. I guess he is wanting me to believe that this is the perfect relationship and they both are going to live happily ever after. I find that hard to believe due to her losing her daughter and never trying to get clean to get her back. I think he has this idea that he is going to save her but instead he continues to spiral downhill. I know that I should not be concerned and I am focusing on my life and going on with the divorce but it bothers me that he puts more of an effort with this woman than he did in our marriage. Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.

AnvilheadII

they have a bond called drug addiction. he can SAY a lot of things, but that's just to cover the truth. their lives are a mess......

Noor

He's putting the effort into the addiction and everything tied to it.
Addiction/alcoholism is delusional thinking among other things.
He most likely believes the delusion.
Don't feel bad because it seems like he is making more effort with her.
Truth is, it's all about the drug.
If he thinks he can save her then that is more delusional thinking,
he can't even save himself and it's the blind leading the blind.
Be happy that you are not in this mess with him.
God bless

Troubledone

One of the hardest things for a sane person to understand is how an addicted person can, with all seemingly authentic sincerity and wide-eyed innocence, tell you to your face that they plan to do or have done things they have not the willingness and/or the ability to follow through on.

Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance - when there is a contradiction between two opposing ideas (like your addict saying I'm getting clean while they are actively using). People can resolve this dissonance by either facing the raw truth, or going into denial - Denial being the brain's defense against a truth a person is not yet ready to accept.

Someone else's denial will boggle the mind of someone who is viewing reality objectively. In the past, I found myself constantly trying to struggle to resolve the contradiction in my own mind between what my addict said so sincerely (and maybe even believed) and what they actually did.

This is the power of addiction and the necessary delusional thinking that allows an addict to deny their disease and continue using. If they allowed themselves to see the truth, it would be harder to stay in their addiction. It would be painful to them.

Defense mechanisms like denial are very powerful. I have seen this not only with addicts, but those with OCD or ordinary people to some degree - and frankly, even in myself. The mind has the power to blind us to what we are not yet ready to see.

For me it all came back to trying to see reality for myself, beyond my hopes, fears or my own defenses. I had to be gentle with myself because, frankly, I couldn't take the whole truth all at once. But little by little (and even now) as I allow myself to feel the pain of the reality that is before me, and have compassion on myself for what I am suffering in the face of it - I can take more and more of my own reality.

that is the only way to find some peace and the solutions that work for me.

And, as said by Noor, this is not about his relationship with a given human being - it is about the drug. For me, this was the hardest thing to accept - the sadness that someone I loved was so possessed by a drug that it eclipsed all the solid, wholesome, good things in life.

Hoping you can find the clarity that will bring you peace.

zoso77

Quit what? Drugs? Behaving selfishly?

I'm not trying to invalidate your question. But step back for a minute and look at this from 10,000 feet up. Your AH left you for another woman who happens to be an addict. Do you, for example, believe that she's going to hold him accountable for his behavior? Or vice versa? Not bloody likely. The most likely reasons he took off are the chemical rush in his head from being with her was too intense to ignore, and she's not going to hold him accountable for his behavior. They're going to enable each other's worst impulses and actions, and this will continue until he decides he's had enough.

Also keep in mind that using drugs will mask the true nature of a person...

Kan

You all are enlightening me so much. You will never know how much I appreciate the advice. It just bothered me and still does when he tells his mother how much in love he is with the other woman and one day everybody will understand his choice to leave me for her. Oh, but he is so happy and in love. You all have shed some much needed light and allowed me to see things in a different perspective. Thank you to each of you.

zoso77

Just remember: someone in active addiction is not capable of behaving like a responsible partner in a romantic relationship. That's because they're too busy indulging their chemical habits.

Sorry you have to go through this, but have faith in the coming moment where you realize you can , too.

Gm0824

These are words of an active addict, Kan. They do not hold a lot of weight in your recovery. Of course he is going to tell anyone that will listen that his life is all peachy. That doesn't make it so. From what you've shared on what you know of his current life does not sound like anything I would want to be a part of ... anymore! What other people think, well, who cares. You know your truth and more will always be revealed. Other people may or may not see the truth for what it is and that is ok to.

Sounds like he may be saying all of those things hoping you'll drop all of your boundaries and play the "pick me" dance. Like they say, you can't un ring that bell, you are doing a great job building a brighter, healthier and addict free future!

Kan

GM0824, you are so correct about him wanting me to drop my boundaries and do the "pick me" dance. Just the other day he texted me and said he could not believe that I was going through with the divorce, if I really cared then I should have not filed. Really?? I should put my life on hold while you live with another woman who is also an addict?? He also stated that he felt like something was going on with his brain and he would never be normal again, you think? It is so messed up.

Gm0824

Kan .... this is eerily similar to my xah. For a few years towards the end we lived in this weird roommate arrangement where the unspoken rules were don't ask/don't tell. He wasn't in my face with other women and his friends would joke that he was "harmless" and a "flirt" ... but that probably did more damage to my self esteem than his substance abuse issues. I wasn't gone more than a few weeks before he was living with another woman. It hurt beyond words and I felt betrayed and easily replaceable. Honestly, a few years out, I can't even count the gf's .... that I know about. Sad to say but for me it does get easier to hear something and let it go. If a third party starts to tell me the latest happenings it's almost as if someone is telling me the weather ... in another city. It no longer applies to wear I live. It has been hard for me to separate the abuse from the addiction, either way I shake it up though, I am happy I am out because I no longer saw any resemblance of the person I once knew.

I believe my xah used addict logic that no mater what he was doing he wasn't that bad because he had a wife and kids at home. I was a pawn in his front at faking normalcy. Once gone, he was just loud and imo, tried overly hard to convince everyone that he was great. Xah also liked to use the "poor me, I didn't want the divorce" card for sympathy from unwitting friends/family. Sadly, it worked for him ... for awhile. I kept my mouth shut to mutual friends and let people see first hand for themselves what my life was like.

Just curious if you still respond to his texts or have you started to limit contact at all? And that was probably one of the most honest things my xah ever said ... that something was going on with his brain. I can see it when looking at old pictures, the eyes changed. Lost their shine. The person I loved was no longer there. It is messed up, so hard. Hugs to you, friend.

Kan

Gm0824, Your words ring so true to what I have lived in and am going through. I was also the pawn and the one who picked up the pieces every single time. I also kept my mouth shut until this last time and my kids advised me to address his parents about his drug abuse. They had no idea and he had always blamed me for the not going and visiting. Now they are seeing how he has shut them out and they asked me why did I not tell them sooner. My reply was, I just felt as if he would change and I did not want him portrayed as the bad person. In reality he was portraying me as the bad one. As you mentioned, I can see that the person I once loved is no longer there, it is as if I am looking at an empty shell.
I had not responded to his texts in awhile and he asked about the divorce and for me to call him. I called him and he started telling me that if I loved him and wanted it to work that I would not have filed. I replied that I was going on with my life and I could tell over the phone that bothered him. Almost as if I was a backup plan. I told him I was not option number 2. Told me that he did not think his new relationship would work out and that he would come back to win me over if it didn't. I said nothing. Later on that night one of the kids's told me he had posted a picture of him and his girlfriend on his page stating she was the love of his life and he was proud to be her man. His life is complete lies. I have decided no contact will be best for me from here on out.
Thank you for telling me that it does get easier, it is as if he knows exactly how to pull those heart strings and I have to realize that he is a liar. Thank you for sharing your story. It really helps.

Gm0824

I think you handled that convo wonderfully, especially with everything being so relatively "new". The F.O.G. can get really thick at times, Fear, Obligation and Guilt. I know for me, that is what kept me from seeking help sooner. I accepted the crumbs. Sounds like that is what he is doing to you. Giving you crumbs. Trying to plant a seed of doubt in you. Trying to make himself seem like the catch. They can be very skilled and cunning in this game, we don't even know the rules to. They know you to lie and manipulate far more than we could ever sit here and worry and ponder over "what will happen next". They know us better than we know us. Well, they knew the old us. They doesn't know the new us! And that is so awesome!

No contact for me, was the only way I could get out of the FOG and begin to see clearly again. In the early days I had to tell my family (not children, because they are still young) I didn't want the "updates" anymore because it wasn't healthy for me. You can hold your head high that stated your intentions of finalizing the divorce to him. You really don't owe him anymore than that.

You are doing a kick butt job!

Kan

Yes, Gm0824 he definitely tries to make himself appear as a catch. You are absolutely right on about how skilled and cunning they are in their game. Given the time of day he will text me or call and tell me how much he loves and cares about me and is upset I am getting a divorce from him and in the next breath he will post on Facebook pictures of him and her and how in love he is. I do believe that is what gets me the most, is how much he does know me. I have decided the no contact will benefit me the most.

Thank you for your encouragement, I long for the day that it no longer bothers me about what he is doing or who he is doing it with. I have no social media because I do not want everybody knowing about me. Especially him. I do have family and friends that keep me posted on his craziness. Thank you again for giving me insight.

Kan

I received several texts from my husband this week, to which I did not reply. He always starts to panic when I do not answer him back. The text messages spoke about how he was sorry for blaming me when he was indeed the problem. He stated that when he was in his right mind that he missed me, the kids and grandkids terribly. He ended with he hoped that I could forgive him because he would always love me. At times he seems that he is having a brief episode of clarity but then again I question his motive. Addicts seem to know how to say all the right things. It was difficult to not respond but I was proud of myself for just deleting them. He speaks out of both sides of his mouth and one minute he loves and wants me to forgive him. The next minute he is posting on Facebook or telling his mom how he loves his addict girlfriend and she is everything he wanted in a woman. He sure doesn't have high goals for his life. I believe that methamphetamine won this battle that I fought against for 23 years. How do you compete? The only choice is to move forward with my divorce and pray one day he wakes up. Frustrating

Gm0824

That is hard. You are smart to recognize the initial "nice things" they say are bait to get us to engage. Actions speak so much louder than words. He can tell/text you whatever he wants but he is doing an entirely different thing. You can't compete, or I suppose you could but you would just be getting right back on the roller coaster. You can save yourself.

I know deleting is the safest bet. If you feel strong enough, I had about 5 or 6 friends/family that I would text after my xah text rant was over to move it down out my line of sight on my screen so I could use an app to print them out with the date/time stamp in case I needed them in court. Or you could screen shot and email them to yourself to a folder labeled "court" if you wanted to and then just delete the picture and the messages.

Kan

I think they are bait to draw us in, that is when the text messages come consistently is when I do not engage. Then he will try to call. It is like he wants the best of both worlds. He told me before that he is in love with two women but he knows that he can't have both but he continues to stay with his addict girlfriend. He has not made any effort to change.That is a good idea to screen shot them and email them to myself, never thought about that. Gm0824 thank you for your advice and support. It truly helps when others have been through it because not everybody understands this journey.

Gm0824

The saying "sorry you are here, but glad you found us" sums up exactly how I feel about this group and Al anon ... just being able to share with others that "get it" has been helpful for me. I felt connected to your original post and wanted to cheer you on. It's not easy but you are worth it!

GM

Kan

Over the weekend I got a text that had a youtube song listed in it from my AH. He has been sending several texts and I refuse to answer. Seems like he is grabbing for straws and anything to draw me in. The song was nice but actions speak louder than words and he has taken no action to change. Why does the panic come when they feel the anchor is picking up and sailing their own journey? Why is it okay to live his life but not for me to divorce and start living mine? Control issues, maybe? He is a jealous individual. Any advice is appreciated. It is really frustrating.

zoso77

Block him, put him in your rearview mirror, and move on.

Mind you, that's difficult, but it's preferable to what you're putting up with now.

Kan

Great advice, zoso77. It is difficult but I know that is the only solution and definitely better than what I am dealing with now. Thank you for your advice.