on vicissitude and vacillation
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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on vicissitude and vacillation
Been unhappy lately. Not unhappy exactly. Not happy though. Content. But discontent. And I don't want to go back to drinking. Actually, I do. But I don't. I don't miss it. But I do miss it.
What I do miss is the reprieve. It's short-lived, barely euphoric, but damn, 3-4 ounces of vodka dulls the mind in an instant. But 3-4 oz. turns into 12-15 ounces. And if I drink on any given day, I want to drink the next morning. And if I drink the next morning, I figure I may as well drink that day. If I drink 2 days in a row, I'm going to drink the third, then the fourth, and all of a sudden I have 10 days of being thoroughly intoxicated under my belt. Then I'd deal with mild withdrawals, which I'd want to avoid, so I'd keep drinking. By then I'd have been drinking for 2-3 weeks, daily, and after 6-7 weeks of daily drinking, I'd need medically supervised detoxification, so I'd drink to avoid that.
So I don't miss it. Not too much. But I sometimes think sporadic intoxication is detoxification for the soul.
Sobriety forces me to face life. Being bored. Sober, I have to either sit on my boredom, or be uncomfortable enough to do something about it. I either have to sit with my psychological discomfort, or I have to address it. I have to sit with my feelings, or act on them. I have to sit with my aspirations, or I have to work towards them. I have to sit on my ambition, or listen to it. Rectify my thinking, or allow maladaptive patters on thinking consume me.
Vacillation and vicissitude are binding in their own right.
What I do miss is the reprieve. It's short-lived, barely euphoric, but damn, 3-4 ounces of vodka dulls the mind in an instant. But 3-4 oz. turns into 12-15 ounces. And if I drink on any given day, I want to drink the next morning. And if I drink the next morning, I figure I may as well drink that day. If I drink 2 days in a row, I'm going to drink the third, then the fourth, and all of a sudden I have 10 days of being thoroughly intoxicated under my belt. Then I'd deal with mild withdrawals, which I'd want to avoid, so I'd keep drinking. By then I'd have been drinking for 2-3 weeks, daily, and after 6-7 weeks of daily drinking, I'd need medically supervised detoxification, so I'd drink to avoid that.
So I don't miss it. Not too much. But I sometimes think sporadic intoxication is detoxification for the soul.
Sobriety forces me to face life. Being bored. Sober, I have to either sit on my boredom, or be uncomfortable enough to do something about it. I either have to sit with my psychological discomfort, or I have to address it. I have to sit with my feelings, or act on them. I have to sit with my aspirations, or I have to work towards them. I have to sit on my ambition, or listen to it. Rectify my thinking, or allow maladaptive patters on thinking consume me.
Vacillation and vicissitude are binding in their own right.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by daredevil 
But I sometimes think sporadic intoxication is detoxification for the soul.
It takes a good amount of time - months, maybe even years, for our brain chemistry to get back to a "non active addict" level I think. I won't say "normal" because there is no such thing, but honestly for me it took probably a full 2 years to get a handle on living sober and dealing with the other underlying issues. Along the way I found several things that can re-inject that "good" feeling - exercise, music, video, even meditation. Yes it's not an instantaneous intoxicating feeling like slamming a couple of beers or snorting a line of coke, but you can re-teach your brain how to relax.
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I think it's fairly usual to believe that life without alcohol will be boring and sad. But, as others have said, if you stick with it and have patience, you will see positive things and joy in your life.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
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Ding ding to this one DD!
I get those contradictory competing feelings of annoyance, self worth, utter ennui, simple sore neck status, ambition knocking and wanting to ignore.
In the end every single time I relieved I didn't drink. Because I run down that same, nasty road you perfectly described.
Lord what a compulsion.
Here's to sober life.
No one is coming to save us.
I get those contradictory competing feelings of annoyance, self worth, utter ennui, simple sore neck status, ambition knocking and wanting to ignore.
In the end every single time I relieved I didn't drink. Because I run down that same, nasty road you perfectly described.
Lord what a compulsion.
Here's to sober life.
No one is coming to save us.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 150
You described what I pretty much just went through. Felt sort of bored and a little unhappy and wanted to just "lose myself" for a bit.
But as you said, a few ounces turns into multiple bottles. And it you stop getting things done and it takes such a toll on how you feel.
But as you said, a few ounces turns into multiple bottles. And it you stop getting things done and it takes such a toll on how you feel.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by daredevil
Been unhappy lately. Not unhappy exactly. Not happy though. Content. But discontent. And I don't want to go back to drinking. Actually, I do. But I don't. I don't miss it. But I do miss it.
As you say (albeit in more wordy words)... if we're gonna stay sober we can choose to stay restless, irritable and discontent, or work on our recovery.
Originally Posted by daredevil
We can sit on our boredom,.... or choose to do something about it.
We can sit with our psychological discomfort.... or choose to address it.
We can be a puppet to our feelings, or .... Work a program of recovery that allows us to learn to let them go .
We can sit with our aspirations, or we can choose to work towards them.
We can procrastinate and grandeurise everything , or .... choose to stop complicating everything and just get on with it.
We can allow maladaptive patters on thinking consume us, or.... learn new ways of thinking.
Vacillation = plain old indecision
Vicissitude = plain old change over time
We can sit with our psychological discomfort.... or choose to address it.
We can be a puppet to our feelings, or .... Work a program of recovery that allows us to learn to let them go .
We can sit with our aspirations, or we can choose to work towards them.
We can procrastinate and grandeurise everything , or .... choose to stop complicating everything and just get on with it.
We can allow maladaptive patters on thinking consume us, or.... learn new ways of thinking.
Vacillation = plain old indecision
Vicissitude = plain old change over time
BB
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Yep. Restless, irritable and discontent. I was told this is the typical state of any alcoholic / addict without working on their recovery.
As you say (albeit in more wordy words)... if we're gonna stay sober we can choose to stay restless, irritable and discontent, or work on our recovery.
Jeez man. You do like to keep things complicated dontcha!
.
BB
As you say (albeit in more wordy words)... if we're gonna stay sober we can choose to stay restless, irritable and discontent, or work on our recovery.
Jeez man. You do like to keep things complicated dontcha!
.
BB
When I chose to do the work, almost immediately life got a lot simpler, and sufficiently worthwhile that I didn't drink. I didn't consciously "not drink" I just never thougt of it in the way I used to.
Of course I had no way of knowing this until I took the action and had the experience.
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